The Described Wrestling Project: That's the Wall, Brother (Script)

Coming Next Week: A look into the spiralling instability that is the latter-days of Hulkamania. Available as PDF at the bottom of the page!

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It’s the night of March 27th, 2000. We are watching WCW Monday Nitro, and it’s a special treat for viewers, despite this show being well within the decline of World Championship Wrestling. Because we are at the beautiful Sheridan Hotel, in South Padre Island, Texas, and the ring is set up right on the beach. That’s right folks, it’s a spring break Nitro, at night, meaning rather than the typical arena, hall or studio settings that wrestling is typically shot under, we’ve got a setup here that genuinely looks like a fighting game background. Fans are spread out over yellow sand, with the ring set up on what appears to be the resort patio, with a nearby pool and artificial waterfall. About a third of a kilometer away, the Sheridan towers above, the lights of its rooms providing a backlight to the blaring ring lights, mounted atop polished steel trusses.

Spring Break Nitros are actually astonishingly cool to look at, is what I’m trying to get at here. Hell, one year? They floated the ring, outside mats and guardrails on the pool of the place they were at, and the wrestlers entered via a little bridge!

Here in the red-roped ring, stands the legendary Mean Gene Oakerlund, one of the greatest backstage interviewers to ever pick up a microphone, a strategically-small fireplug of a man whose diminutive stature made large wrestlers look larger, who apparently made a small fortune running WCW’s hotline. Y’know, one of those “the guy talks about everything yet nothing for at least two minutes so you’ve already spent 3 dollars by the time you start hearing ‘insider’ news that’s probably all made up anyway” pre-recorded things that the wrestling airwaves were rife with. Remember the one that Brian Pillman ran, just for himself? One Nine Hundred Pill? Yeah, don’t call that number, ever, for any reason. I’m pretty sure that puts you on at least twelve government lists just by dialling it.

As we fade in from commercial, Gene makes a sly “Well young lady, you’re certainly proud of those” just as the volume begins to come up. 3 guesses as to what happened there. From that joke, he proceeds into his introductions, as Jimmy Hart’s “American Made” begins to play over the PA system. Yeah folks, here he comes, a man who assuredly will never say or do anything at all that’s incredibly awful in the following years, “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan.

Please clap.

Hulk Hogan, having previously enjoyed a long run as “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan, his black and white heel persona associated with the New World Order, the heel stable that revolutionized wrestling. I want to say that WCW milked the nWo to their full extent and more, but that would be using the past tense, and four years after their debut, an incarnation of them is still active in the company.

No, it is not a good version.

This means Hogan is in an odd place in his career with regards to his looks. He’s returned to the yellow and red of his Hulkamania days, and being the American Hero instead of the Arrogant Star. There’s just an issue here: Hogan is an older man than he was in the days of Hulkamania, and one who has wisely chosen at this point in his life to revert to a more natural physique, as opposed to one that’s more chemically pumped. This means instead of the days of his nWo look where he wore long tights and boots with a weight belt, he’s back to his yellow trunks and boots and well…

The guy looks just vaguely understuffed in a way that provokes a psychic reaction, it’s what I’m trying to get at. I’m not going to lie and say this is a dad bod, as he’s been clearly hitting the gym like it’s nails in a roof. It’s just that age has a way of enflappening us all, and especially with this man’s nigh neon-orange tan, it’s not a flattering look. He’d later remix his nWo-style tights and weight belt outfit with his Hulkamania colours, which created arguably his best look during his later career. Yeah it’s a digression, but it’s one worth noting.

He gets a vociferous response during his walk to the ring, but the view from the hard camera side paints a picture as to the sort of mixed reaction Hogan is provoking at this point in his career: to the right of the screen, above Hogan’s left shoulder, is a sign that says HULKAMANIAC with a little arrow pointing down; over his right shoulder, directly above Mean Gene’s head at center screen, is a sign that reads PLEASE RETIRE, HOGAN.

The duality of man.

Hogan tears his shirt to ribbons, which seems sorta strange to do for an interview, but whatever, get your stuff in, it’s wrestling, show the fans. That’s when Mean Gene goes to work:

MEAN GENE

HULK HOGAN, FIRST OF ALL I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR BAILING ME OUT LAST WEEK. SID VICIOUS TAKING MANY LIBERTIES HERE IN WCW. ALSO WHAT ABOUT THIS GIGANTIC PRICE THAT HE’S PUT ON YOUR HEAD?

HULK HOGAN

WELL YOU KNOW MEAN GENE, FIRST OFF BROTHER, I WAS LOOKIN OVER THE BALCONY IN MY HOTEL ROOM WAITING FOR JIMMY HART TO COME OUT AND GET ME FOR MY INTERVIEW, BUT THERE WERE ABOUT THREE OR FOUR LADIES IN ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINIS, MAAAASAAAAAAGING JIMMY HART DOWN, TAAAAAAKIN CARE OF HIS NECK, AND MAKING SURE HE WASN’T CRINKLED UP FROM BIG NASTY SID VICIOUS LAST WEEK, SO EVERYBODY OUT THERE: JIMMY HART IS GONNA BE OKAY, BECAUSE ALL THESE SPRING BREAK NURSES ARE TAKING GOOD CARE OF HIM, BROTHER. [THUMBS UP]

We are immediately bombarded by the sensuality of the Hulkster in describing the tender ministrations of an indistinct number of bikini nurses tending to his diminutive and high-pitched manager, Jimmy Hart. Perhaps it’s due to Hogan’s severe nearsightedness that he was unable to determine as to whether or not there were three OR four bikini nurses, though frankly I doubt there was even one, because how often do you see someone in that sort of profession outside of certain film industries?

Hogan is referring to an altercation in which Jimmy Hart, a small, pompadoured, mustachioed man who looks bald and shaven without his giant sunglasses and trademark airbrushed jackets, had his neck lightly wrung by Sid Vicious. No, not the dead bassist from the Sex Pistols, the giant, wild-eyed man with lunatic charisma and curly hair, who could easily be the compound that reacted with Race Banyon from Johnny Quest to create Brock Sampson from the Venture Bros. Jimmy, by the way, is fine. Not only was he seen in segments earlier in the show with Canadian Luchador Vampiro (yes, that’s a thing, he’s a luchador originally from Canada), but he was also shown in a segment with shock-jock Mancow, in which he slapped, knocked over, mounted and choked Mancow. Removed of all context? Very satisfying to watch.

MEAN GENE

NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE GIGANTIC BOUNTY OF FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, HULK HOGAN?

HULK HOGAN

WELL THE FIRST THING WE NEED TO DO IS GET THIS CAMERAMAN BACK JUST A FEW FEET AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR ARM BROTHER, THAT SAYS NOBODY IN THIS PLACE IS GONNA DO ONE DARN THING ABOUT IT, AND AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED BROTHER, IF SID VICIOUS HAD THE GUTS TO COME OUT HERE IN FRONT OF ALL MY MANIACS BROTHER, I WOULD SHOW HIM EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD DO IN FRONT OF ALL MY PEOPLE. YOU KNOW THAT EVERY TIME I FACE THAT DUDE, MEAN GENE, HE TURNS TAIL AND RUNS TO THE WOODS, BROTHER.

Sid Vicious has put a half-million dollar bounty on Hogan, in order to keep him out of the picture, which Hogan claims his single giant arm will ward off. The cameraman obliges him in moving a few feet backwards, though this magical arm was frankly still fully in frame when he said that. Whatever, this is a man who once claimed that Andre the Giant died days after Hogan bodyslammed him, as opposed to living another decade in which he continued to wrestle and also feature in the film ‘The Princess Bride.’ To paraphrase “Macho Man” Randy Savage, Hulk Hogan is a figment of his own imagination.

GENE

YEAH, HE DOES AS A MATTER OF FACT, AND HE IS CONSPICUOUS BY HIS ABSENCE I THINK HERE TONIGHT. I DON’T KNOW IF HE’S ON THE GROUNDS OR NOT.

HOGAN

WELL Y'KNOW, I WILL STAY OUT HERE, ALL NIGHT LONG IF I HAVE TO. I’VE GOT FIVE HUNDRED GRAND THAT IF SID VICIOUS WANTS A LITTLE PIECE OF HULK HOGAN BROTHER, I’LL TAKE HIM ON RIGHT HERE IN THE CENTER OF THE RING. THERE WON’T BE ANY OTHER MATCHES TONIGHT, BECAUSE I WILL BEAT HIS REAR END UNTIL THE SUN COMES UP, BROTHER. I’M SO SICK OF THIS DUDE, I WANT IT OVER AND ALL, I WANT DONE ONCE AND FOR ALL, BROTHER.

This is a threat, though the crowd do not react to it as such, given that they generally cheer what they’re hearing. Understand, though, that if you’ve never watched professional wrestling, that Hulk Hogan is highly competent in kick, punch, bodyslam and leg drop wrestling. He is not bad, and he is the opposite of clueless in the ring, but his style is a relic of a bygone era, a time which moves forgot. To be clear, without his extreme charisma and ability to present himself, Hulk Hogan would be considered skilled at a very dry style. Sid Vicious, on the other hand, is a different kind of charisma, a different kind of extreme presentation, and about 2 or 3 great power moves and a fair bit of stumble and bumble elsewhere. Him going long? Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare, nightmare.

So you can see how this is a threat, is what I’m saying. I say this as someone who enjoys Sid.

GENE

YOU KNOW, I’M CERTAIN WITH THAT KIND OF A BOUNTY OUT THERE, I’M SURE THERE ARE GONNA  BE A LOT OF TAKERS [CHANTING] YOU CAN HEAR THE CHANT OF THE CROWD HERE, I KNOW WHERE THEIR ALLEGIANCE IS: THEY’RE TO YOU, HULK HOGAN.

HULK

WELL Y'KNOW BROTHER, THE WAY IT GOES, MY FATHER TOLD ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE TEENY HULKSTER ONE DAY, THE GREATER THE GLADIATOR IS, THE MORE ENEMIES HE HAS. AND LATELY, THEY’VE BEEN COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK, BROTHER. THAT BOUNTY’S ON MY HEAD. I HAD TO PUT DUSTIN RHODES IN HIS BABY BED LAST WEEK, IT’S ONE AFTER ANOTHER, SO I EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. BUT I KNOW ONE THING, IF SID VICIOUS COMES AFTER HULK HOGAN, IT’LL DEFINITELY BE FROM BEHIND. [POINTS BEHIND HIMSELF PERFORMATIVELY]

There’s a lot to unpack here. There is just so much to unpack here.

So first, we are to believe that Father Hogan gave little Boy Hulk Hogan advice regarding gladiators and their enemies, assuredly instilling the man with his hierarchical views on the world. All must be Hulkamania, and all that is not are barbarians to Hulkacivilization. The more I think about this, the more I feel uncomfortable about the implications. Secondly, of the enemies listed here, only Dustin Rhodes is named, and all others are implied. Is this a personal shot at Dustin Rhodes, or is he the only one Hulk could remember the name of before giving up on this line of thought? We will never know, for the answer lies in the deep recesses of the Hulkamindscape. Lastly, he did not need to point behind himself like that to indicate the direction Sid Vicious would attack him from behind, but the fact he did, and the fact that he made a profound glance into the camera upon turning back around… I don’t know that Hogan thinks much of we, the viewership.

GENE

ALRIGHT. HULK HOGAN, JIMMY HART. JIMMY HART NOW ALL OF THE SUDDEN BY YOUR SIDE, WHAT IS THE STATUS OF HIM? YOU WERE WITH HIM WHEN YOU WALKED IN AND I KNOW VAMPIRO BUZZED YOU PRETTY SERIOUSLY BACK THERE.

HOGAN

WELL YOU KNOW VAMPIRO, HE’S THE WRESTLER OF THE FUTURE BROTHER, I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS DUDE, I’VE BEEN WATCHING HIS MOVES, AND THE GENERAL CONSENSUS IS, AMONG ALL OF THE MANIACS, IS THAT VAMPIRO’S GONNA BE THE MAN. AS I WATCH HIM BROTHER, I’M GONNA MAKE SURE I WATCH HIS BACK, BECAUSE WHEN I CAME IN HERE, THE BROTHER GAVE ME THE COMMON COURTESY. HE’S THE FIRST ONE TO STEP OUT OF THE SHADOWS, TO TELL ME THAT THERE WAS A FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR BOUNTY ON MY HEAD, MEAN GENE. SO IF ANYBODY MESSES WITH THE MAN VAMPIRO BROTHER, I’M GONNA BE RIGHT BY HIS SIDE, DUDE.

As mentioned before, Vampiro is a Canadian wrestler who found his success in Mexico, where his gothic presentation and especially element of hardcore style made him a standout against a more traditional lucha landscape. This made him tremendously over in Mexico during his time in-country, so much so that WCW went on to sign him in order to capture his buzz and maybe draw eyes from across the southern border.

In short, Vampiro’s time in WCW is not fondly remembered, especially by Vampiro himself. It was majorly marred by a completely lukewarm program with Sting, which feels like it should be the most natural pairing in the world: two face painted gothic mystery men who dwell in the shadows. Except that they had no chemistry together and did not even slightly seem to like one another, meaning that even the moment in which a stuntman dressed as Sting was lit ablaze by a tiki-torch armed Vampiro and he fell off WCW’s screen ablaze felt like an Eric Andre “We’ll Be Right Back” gag, instead of the horrifying moment it was supposed to be. A notable moment of his run was a promo in which he declared that he was frightened by “thinking all these bad thoughts and, and, and wanting to do bad things” with the cadence of a 15 year old boy in the “where’s mom, I need an adult” phase of his first mushroom trip. His outward sobriety did not appear to improve anytime afterward during his time with the company. This man was put into a tag team called the Dark Carnival with the ICP and Great Muta, who then proceeded to get jobbed out like they were a stable composed entirely of NWA-era dumpy guys in mismatched gear, with names like ‘Ron Gruntle’ and ‘Jeffry Suitcase’. This included one time when Sting beat both Vampiro and Muta, one of the most influential high flyers in history, in a handicap match where they got basically no offense. This man was put into a feud with a member of the booking team that he needed assistance from the shitty Jerry Only-version of the Misfits to win.

WRESTLING!

GENE

IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT WE COULD SEE YOU AND VAMPIRO AS A TAG TEAM, HOGAN?

HOGAN

WELL IF I HAD THE CHANCE TO STEP IN THE RING WITH VAMPIRO, IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE, BROTHER, BECAUSE WITH THE MO-MOMENTUM HE HAS, IT KINDA REMINDS ME, OF WHEN HULKAMANIA FIRST GOT ROLLIN. EVERY TIME I LOOK OUT INTO THE CROWD, EVERY TIME I LOOK AROUND, I SEE MORE PAINTED FACES LIKE VAMPIRO, HE’S BUILDING MOMENTUM BROTHER, AND BY HOOK OR BY CROOK, I’M GONNA MAKE SURE I WATCH HIS BACK. BUT I’M HERE FOR ONE THING TONIGHT: SID VICIOUS, YOU COWARD, STEP OUT OF THE SHADOWS, AND I’LL CHOP YOU DOWN WITH THE EDGE OF MY HAND, BROTHER.

In everything the babyface Hulk Hogan does, the heart of a heel lurks. Watch his matches when he was the Real American during the Hulkamania Era of the WWF: you have never seen the babyface, the good guy of a wrestling match, go for his opponent’s eyes as much as Hulkaoptometrist. To use the previously mentioned Dustin Rhodes as an example, him as a babyface Goldust made sure to only performatively kick a guy in the dick once per match, and Hogan goes for the eyes, man, the eyyyyyes. 

So it goes, that in paying Vampiro a compliment, he has to directly compare Vampiro to himself. Specifically, comparing Vampiro to himself when his fame was just starting out, as he was some sort of new sensation. This is neglecting to point out that Vampiro was hired in the first place because of his absurd levels of popularity in the lucha world, to the point that from this point in time, looking back? I’d say if you were to promote two shows in Mexico, on the same night, at the same time, with Hogan as the main event of one, and Vampiro as the main of the other? Vampiro would draw more. He was just that over.

Hogan also completely dodged the question, which basically means that’s a no on that tag team from the Hulkster, brother.

Also, shoutout to Voodoo Child, which was Hogan’s nWo theme music, a song that I’m pretty sure WCW can’t afford to play any more.

MARK MADDEN

SOMEBODY COLLECT THE BODY NOW, I’M BEGGIN’ YOU.

GENE (OVERTALK)

WHAT’S HE’S GONNA DO?

[THUMPING MUSIC; HOGAN AND GENE ARE CONFUSED]

While WCW colour commentator and standard issue on-air annoyance Mark Madden chimes in his thoughts on the promo, and Mean Gene hits one of Hogan’s own catchphrase- watch the gimmick infringement there, brother -thumping music begins playing over the venue’s PA system. Mean Gene, Hulk Hogan and the commentators are confused as to what’s happening, when all of the sudden, Gene sounds off like he’s seen Batman.

TONY SCHIAVONE 

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

GENE

UP THERE!

[A DISTANT FIGURE IN A TIE, CUTOFF DRESS SHIRT AND SHADES POINTS FROM THE TOP OF A VERY TALL HOTEL. HE IS EXTREMELY FAR AWAY. HE IS SO GODDAMNED FAR AWAY IT’S COMICAL.]

TONY SCHIAVONE

THAT’S ON TOP THE HOTEL, THAT’S ABOUT FIFTEEN STOREYS UP IN THE AIR, LOOK AT THAT, THAT’S THE WALL!!

Folks: we got there. Mission accomplished.

The camera switches to a shot of a large man looking slightly out of breath, standing upon the ledge of the hotel. His muscularity, blonde flat top and shades give him more than a passing to Duke Nukem, though his taped wrists and fingers, cutoff dress shirt, business slacks and tie denotes him as a different species within the same genus. I say he appears slightly out of breath, because something tells me he may have had to climb a few flights of stairs to get to his current position, and that trek may have been what caused that in-ring promo to take its odd, meandering direction.

This is The Wall, a man who gets his name from a previous pairing with German wrestler Alex Wright, who under his heel Berlyn gimmick, had a large henchman in The Wall. As the camera zooms out on The Wall, he is presumably given the signal that yes, he is on camera now, and he throws his hand up into chokeslam position suddenly, effectively speedrunning that version of a classic giant’s taunt. The camera pans out farther, and farther… and farther.

And farther.

Until The Wall is effectively a blonde pixel, atop a white pixel, atop a black pixel, illuminated by a spotlight. He is so far away from the ring. He is so incredibly far from the ring, it’s ridiculous. His distance from the ring is actively taxing the capabilities of a Turner Network Television live camera, an assuredly expensive and then top-of-the-line piece of equipment given how clean the footage is despite its older formatting. He’s so far away, that any presumed verbal communication that occurs within the next few seconds is on a level of futility with trying to shout a takeout order from the moon. He is so far away from the ring, it would be somewhat challenging for Agent 47 to assassinate Hogan, despite the completely open sightlane.

He’s about a half kilometer away and literally 15 storeys up, is what I’m trying to say.

MARK MADDEN

MAYBE THE WALL WILL CHOKESLAM HOGAN FROM THE TOP OF THE HOTEL?

HOGAN (SUDDENLY HOARSE, PARTIAL OVERTALK)

THAT’S THE WALL, BROTHER! HEY WALL, IF YOU WANT SOME, COME GET SOME, THAT’S THE WALL UP THERE BROTHER.

MADDEN

NO, NO, YOU GO UP THERE. BECOME AN IMPACT PLAYER, HOGAN!

As Mark Madden thinks homicidal thoughts, Hogan makes it known to those in the audience, who are assuredly having trouble seeing a large man writ tiny without the aid of some sort of binoculars or opera glasses, that we are all in fact looking at The Wall, brother. He makes sure to reiterate that it is verifiably The Wall, and begins to issue a challenge to him through the live microphone. Despite the amplification, the distance and the assured high altitude winds have rendered Hogan indecipherable if not totally mute to The Wall’s ears.

Also, this is where I point out that Hogan suffers from poor eyesight, and wears glasses out of the ring. What is a speck to us at home, is probably a blurred eternity for him.

SCHIAVONE

LOOK AT THAT HAND IN THE AIR, THAT MEANS CHOKESLAM! COULD HE MEAN HE WANTS TO CHOKESLAM HIM OFF THE SHERATON? WHAT IN THE WORLD?!

Tony Schiavone has picked up on Mark Madden’s homicidal train of thought. All is lost in the commentary booth; sound the alarm, purge the rabid, and get Mike Tenay and Don West on the line.

HOGAN

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, BROTHER? I’M GONNA PUT ANOTHER FIVE HUNDRED GRAND ON TOP OF THAT. GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE, WALL, BECAUSE I’LL KICK [BEAT] YOUR ASS TOO!

In this moment, it becomes clear that Hulk Hogan does not know what a bounty is, or know what it’s purpose is. Is he trying to claim that he’s going to somehow throw an additional 500 bands atop what Sid Vicious is offering? How does he intend to merge that with the initial pot of 500 bands? Is he just going to bring it to the ringside, in a yellow and red attache case? Is Hulkster building a machine to thrash he own ass?

[THE WALL GOOZLES THE SKY MENACINGLY, PRESUMABLY ROARING WITH JOY, THOUGH AGAIN, HE IS VERY, VERY FAR AWAY]

We are once again shown The Wall in close up. He’s still goozling the sky with his chokeslam pose, and the starkness of his white shirt against the blackness of the night sky makes it look like he’s making his threat from Mars. He does appear to be roaring with delight, however, so at least he’s happy to be there.

I mean, he’s technically there, on camera, and on location.

SCHIAVONE

FIFTEEN STOREYS IN THE AIR, THE WALL STANDING APPARENTLY READY TO COLLECT THE BOUNTY, TO ATTEMPT TO COLLECT THE BOUNTY! LOOK AT, LOOK AT THE DISTANCE, LOOK AT WHERE HE IS! AND HE SLINKS OFF INTO THE DARKNESS! THE WALL HAS LAID DOWN THE GAUNTLET HERE TONIGHT, HERE ON WCW MONDAY NITRO!

To be clear, it’s somewhat difficult for a man the size of The Wall to slink off into darkness, because a much more realistic thing to say is “the ring crew turned off the long-range spotlight.” Which is an appropriate descriptor for how far away The Wall was, as I’m pretty sure you could use a light that bright to aid antiaircraft guns in shooting down Stukas.

But that is the scene as we cut and throw to commercial: confusion, atop of sound, atop of fury, and amid it all, a challenge by the Wall laid down to Hulk Hogan, apparently for 1 million dollars, of which valiant babyface/easily bamboozled nitwit Hogan has pledged half the pot. Understand that on a night in which Ric Flair and Lex Luger teamed against Sting and Vampiro in a no DQ, falls count anywhere match, in which a plant disguised as an overacting waiter was hurled into a swimming pool by a blustering, enraged Luger, that ended after a piledriver and pinfall by Sting on Luger into the Gulf of Mexico, Hulk Hogan versus The Wall was the main event. In fact, Flair/Luger versus Sting/Vampiro wasn’t even the semi-main, it was the end of hour one. You know who got to follow that match? La Parka and Meng, and for as much as I love those two, they were not capable of beating the energetic and hilarious carnage that preceded them.

No, instead, two matches later, following the end of a schmozz between Terry Funk and “Laughing Man” Hugh Morrus, Hulk Hogan returns, this time with Jimmy Hart in tow, but otherwise silent. Hogan has replaced his cut up t-shirt with one of a different colour scheme, and proceeds to reiterate what was previous described in this episodes, only save for the absolute non-logic of the narrative path he chooses for his promo.

You see, Hogan recognizes that because he’s on the beach, he is nearby water, and so includes a bit about The Wall’s potential to flee via that water. He speculates that Wall may attempt to flee their match, via a boat that he assuredly has, and specifically, that he will flee to China.

You know, famous home to Walls, China.

But not to worry, Hulkamaniacs, because Vampyro, as they say, so Hogan claims (but he calls him Vampiro, brother), Vampyro? He’s going to get the hammerhead sharks on him.

I assume because they have teeth? But also, what control would a vampire have over beasts that dwell in moving water, his only ability to survive in such a place would be in a coffin of his native soil HOGAN YOU DO NOT KNOW VAMPIRE LORE, WHAT DO SHARKS HAVE TO DO WITH GODDAMNED ANYTHING??

He then says that he’s going to take the Wall and beats him like he owns him, because Hulkamania practices a very specific form of abusive Hulkaservitude. This man has never been endorsable in any way. He is a spicy italian sausage man with impulse control issues that render him resistant to media training. He is an orange hobgoblin that is one verbal stumble from a hard R.

Hogan then ejects more words without meaning into the ether, before forgetting his own catchphrase, perhaps giving into the brain parasites that have taken him over after eating some tainted spring break seafood. He states, and I quote:

WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN I BEAT YOUR ASS BLARGHARGHARGH.

I have never known what’s going on less in this man’s head than right now, and believe me when I say that Hogan is a nominally inscrutable individual who can only be trusted to lie, sometimes outrageously, but sometimes subtly. This, however, is something different, a deeper mania than is typical from his performance, which is saying a tremendous amount. I somehow think Hogan found Doctor Gonzo’s adrenochrome supplier from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and this man is on the high of his Hulkalifetime after not knowing how much to take.

And you would think, you would think, that this led to some sort of major conflict in the main event. On one level I guess it did, in the respect that in this epic million kayfabe dollar conflict, there was approximately five bucks of selling for one another’s offense. There was punching by Hogan, and some biting by Hogan, which of course is very babyface. More punching, and then an eye-rake from Wall that sends Hogan to the outside, where Wall hits him with a chair, and sets up a table. Hogan no sells the chair, picks up the chair himself, and hits wall with it multiple times, throwing him in the ring. Wall no sells this, and the two do some minor stuff before Wall suddenly chokeslams Hogan, who not only does not go up for it, but also no sells it. Hogan then Hulks Up, gives Wall a Big Boot, and hits the leg drop before appealing to the crowd.

And Wall no sells it.

It’s when Wall rushes and overwhelms Hogan that this match hits its apex of silly, because that’s when fellow valiant babyface and Wrestler of the Future Vampiro storms the ring and attacks The Wall, interfering blatantly in front of the ref, causing a disqualification. Hogan loses, looking like a weak dope that has to rely on help from a back-jumper to beat a pumped up stiff in a tie whose name isn’t even proper noun. Hogan presumably loses that half milli he put up to, so I guess that’s going to affect him and Vamp’s relationship… oh, no wait, they double punch Wall through the table he set up earlier.

Which he no sells.

Nitro goes off air to the Wall and Hogan in the midst of an intense staredown. Rest assured, this would be the last time they ever clashed, as WCW’s canon would be reset on air a few weeks later. No, I’m not joking, about any of that, that’s just part of why WCW is something wrestling nerds thing of nostalgically, rather than something that still exists.

Wrestling. It lives. It dies. It revives. It persists. And I’ll describe it, here on the Described Wrestling Project.