Cinematic Quarantine: The Adventures of Captain Marvel

I know I told you all that I was done doing film stuff in video form, but I actually found something I wanted to talk about in the public domain, so here we go, a short one for y'all.

The story of Captain Marvel is one of childhood wonder and fantasy: what if, with a single word, you could become someone bigger and more powerful than you were, imbued with a spectrum of strengths pledged from everyone from Greek Demigods to Biblical Kings. That by speaking the name of the Wizard who took these great strengths and wove them together into the Spell That is His Name, you would be given individual might that is infinitely beyond the ken of your fellow mortals, but also expected to wield such power with an equal amount of responsibility.

When you get down to the brass tacks of it, it’s a parable about growing up, and becoming an adult, created by adults for children to have a clear set of goals to achieve- lofty ones, sure, and ones rooted in certain culture groups only, but: consider the time and place that this media was made, and then think that the very first power on Shazam’s list of ingredients, here? The Wisdom of Solomon. Above all else, Wisdom. Even in this age, even with my mindset of being fed-up unto armed against Old, Weak Bullshit, I will tell you straight: seeking the Wisdom of Solomon isn’t bullshit, because seeking to be Wise never was and never will be bullshit.

But right now, we’re looking at The Adventures of Captain Marvel, the 1941 serials, a series that ran for 12 episodes, entertaining folks through the early days of World War 2. And there’s a hallmark of this series’ portrayal of ol Captain Marvel, here. See, this is not a Captain Marvel who is particularly big on the Wisdom of Solomon.

No, he’s more about that second A in Shazam, that one right there: the Courage of Achilles.

The Courage of Achilles. You know, the Courage.

[Nathan Jones is fatally neckstabbed]

Courage.

“Sing to me, O muse. Sing the Rage, the Rage of Achilles.”

“Tonight, let us bring the Greeks some advice. Trojan advice, written in blood: ABANDON THE LANDS OF TROY!

[A man is thrown to his grizzly death off of a very tall building while worlds_loudest_orgasm.mp3 plays; cut to logo drop]

Folks, I’m going to keep this short, because I kinda swore off doing film content on my channel, as Youtube isn’t exactly a kind place for people to make this sort of stuff. That said, this’ll be a short one, about something that’s in the public domain, so I think I am relatively in the clear to talk about something Geizt put across my screen one day, something I was fully unaware of:

That 1941 Captain Marvel is the most nakedly homicidal superhero I’ve ever seen, that isn’t like, actually The Punisher or Deadpool.

You think I’m joking, you think I’m overexaggerating. You think I’m just being ha-ha-ha-ha Doc Destructo putting shit over the top before I cue the funny sound effects, start the montage where I play some argent metal over guys in suits getting rocked through balsa wood furniture, and I edit in some bone breaks, and Shao Khan saying FATALITY.

Yeah, okay, but on the other hand, [a group of fleeing soldiers is shot in the back with a machine gun; Captain Marvel is firing it from the hip, and when he’s done, he smashes it against a berm.]

Dude. They were retreating. They were broken and fleeing. What are you, a fucking World Eater?

It’s about this time that I put up this quote from Quinten Tarantino, a filmmaker I have issue with, but also: there’s no lie here. Not a one.

["the most homicidal berserker of superhero cinema"]

Because this is not an anomalous occurrence. Because adventure serials are action packed things, and in them, bad things happen to good people. Ladyfriends get kidnapped by nefarious types, that sort of thing. Except usually, they don’t involve head trauma both martially applied, and also self-inflicted through an inadvisable use of a convertible. Ma’am, I gotta ask, are you okay, because that’d probably fuck someone up pretty hard in my estimation.

Oh no, you’re driving. And you’re driving, and you’re driving, and I am really glad this parking garage is so empty, because this is just death on wheels we’re looking at. But luckily, this is a superhero picture, so our man is on the scene to save the day, and bring these villains to justice, even as they lie in wait for his retaliation with a trap at the ready.

He administers this justice by catching the engine block they drop on him, targeting the weakest and sickest of the herd, and then fatally concussing him with about 300 cubic inches of Detroit steel. The filmmakers try to obscure it behind the box, leave it to the imagination, but then homeboy lurches out from behind, doing a lite-version of the sell the guy in Texas Chainsaw did when Leatherface hit him with the pocket-sledge, only to collapse like a drunk whose organs just explosively shut down. He is never shown moving again. [FATALITY]

These men are correct to flee. For a predator has picked up their scent, and is vectoring to intercept their egress.

[Captain Marvel dives on them, and it’s a really fucking impressive stunt for how big they go on it, jeez]

Alas, the predator has found another lesser prey; Captain Marvel can intuit that this man knows nothing and has no use to his cause. So he politely deposits him a trash can, on street level, about 18 storeys down. [FATALITY]

That scream you heard? That’s known as the Republic Scream, and it’s the Wilhelm of its era. And now I’m going to replace it with some of my favourite screams of all time.

[do the thing]

And please don’t make my assessment of these serials sell short the overall quality of the short films themselves. Because yes, they were very of their time, but even with that consideration down? Taken in their original 20-minute runtimes, they’re easy watching, fun, well made, with some interesting notes of imagination and some surprisingly solid performances.

[show the bit about the golden scorpion and its alchemy lenses]

C’mon, tell me that’s not a cool maguffin. You’re making mental note of that, for use in a tabletop campaign, because that’s just a neat idea.

Beyond the imagination and sincere effort, though? When it’s time to throw down, this production’s stunt team is as game as you’d expect from a modern martial arts film. To borrow a pro wrestling term, these people are bumping like complete maniacs for each other. These are people that aren’t afraid to throw each other across the room or catch each other with potatoes planted directly to the skull. You can practically see the worker’s pride on screen as these people, with enthusiasm, take to destroying a set with each other’s flying bodies, reducing prop furniture to rubble with every press slam and judo throw. It’s glorious.

And in the matter of Captain Marvel, who I will remind you is actually a boy wielding an adult demigod’s body, who sees being shot as a cause to smile, then gleefully render the mortal man with a gun in a coma. That’s the Strength of Hercules and the Power of Zeus ringing off of a doughy guy’s head. Tell me he’s waking up in anyplace that’s elsewhere from Narnia? This is when you realize that Shazam, the Wizard, is yet another reason why Wizards are not to be trusted: because look at the power he put in the hands of a literal teenager.

[Captain Marvel punches a man so hard, he goes flying and digs a trench on impact with the ground]

[Captain Marvel flipkicks two grown men to sleep]

[Captain Marvel throws a screaming man headfirst off a bridge into a dry riverbed]

Which I believe, in all sincerity, is the most accurate depiction of what a Captain Marvel empowered by Achilles would look like.

So seriously, if you’re looking to dabble in something old fashioned but action packed? Check out The Adventures of Captain Marvel. You will be surprised by what rises to greet you. Or falls. Falls to greet you.

[a man is thrown screaming from the building; the scream reverses, as he’s carried off into a Shooting Stars gag, for the Credits]