253 - Expectation

At first, Lexie thought Torin was choking on something. His hand was on his throat, and his eyes were squeezed shut as a bead of sweat trailed down his face.

But the sound he was making wasn't choking sounds. They were intermittent gasps. His breathing was shallow and fast, like his lungs were having trouble completing each breath.

But Lexie could breathe.

And the few people she’d seen on her way here could breathe too. It seemed to only be affecting him.

Did someone put a spell on him or something?

Lexie cocked her head. It didn’t seem to be a physical problem. His hand went down to his chest, and he leaned another hand against the wall, muttering something to himself. Then he put his back against the wall and lowered to sit on the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest.

The scene was so familiar, it immediately triggered a memory of Lexie in the very same prone position, breathing in much the same way. 

The memory tugged at Lexie in such a poignant way that she knew instantly what was happening.

She didn't need DECODE to tell. 

She walked closer to him, and Torin’s eyes finally opened, meeting hers, narrowing. 

“You’re having a panic attack,” Lexie told him. 

He shook his head. “No, I’m not.” 

His raspy denial didn’t convince Lexie. It wasn’t just the shaky breath. It was the flexing and curling of his fingers, the faint tremor, the shoulders squared like he was holding himself together through force of will alone. 

“Yes, you are,” she said. 

She’d been in that position many times before, especially before major tests. She’d nearly had a breakdown right before her PSAT’s…and in at least one alternate dimension, she did have an actual breakdown. The shaky breath, the heartpounding fear, the imposing sense of doom at the thought of failure. She knew those sensations very well. 

The only thing she didn't know was how to help him. Thankfully, no one had ever caught her in the middle of a breakdown. Mickie had almost caught her once, but Lexie had managed to hold it together long enough until Mickie left again.

And maybe that was what Torin had been planning to do. Or maybe he'd been doing it the entire time she'd known him.

But today, he didn’t seem quite like he was up to that.

“I’m fine.” He said it too quickly, too flatly, as he’d rehearsed it. “I’m fine. Just go.”

Lexie did the opposite, even as she felt a presence at her back. Tate had finally caught up to her, his steps quiet as they slowed.

She walked to Torin and slid down to sit beside him. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked him.

He shot her a look as if to say, 'Do I look like I want to talk?'

Right.

That was the wrong thing to say. She'd never wanted to talk about her breakdowns before, especially while they were actively happening. Even if he wanted to talk about it, it didn’t look like he could, given how hard he was breathing.

Lexie tapped her knees and waited. She examined Tate in the distance, and he looked befuddled, too.

He gestured with his thumb and mouthed that he wanted to get someone, but Lexie shook her head. The last thing Torin needed right now was more people looking at him like he was a spectacle. 

Tate seemed to understand, although he appeared as conflicted as she was, about what to do next. Without figuring it out, he just stood there awkwardly, while Lexie searched for more things to say. 

What would she have wanted to hear in a moment like this? Something to distract her? A funny joke, maybe? Or something to show her that she wasn't alone?

“I used to have these too, you know,” she started. “Panic attacks, I mean.”

“I’m not having a panic attack,” he responded. “I’m just…” He inhaled, and Lexie's chest tightened reflexively, like her body remembered the feeling even if her brain didn't want to. “It’s just nerves.”

“That’s typically how it starts,” Lexie said. “You’re nervous about something, and you think that, 'Well, it's fine. Everyone gets nervous.' You think it'll go away after you succeed at whatever it is you're supposed to be doing. Winning is supposed to solve it. But then it doesn’t. Or maybe it solves it temporarily, but it always comes back. And it just grows and grows and grows, and keeps taking new forms and finding more creative ways to torment you. There's always one more test to take, one thing you need to defeat, one more challenge that feels like life or death. Then one day it’s just too much, and you want to run away and hide under a blanket and not come out for a year or so.”

He glanced at her, surprise in his eyes.  

“As I said, I’m very familiar with it.”

"You don’t seem…” He didn’t complete the sentence, focusing on breathing slowly through his nose. 

“I don’t seem like I have panic attacks?”

He nodded.

That surprised Lexie. “Seriously? I thought I looked the type. I’m the second biggest type A control freak I know. You’re the first, by the way.”

That didn't earn her a smile as she intended. He just shook his head. 

“I don’t have time for this.” He muttered under his breath. “The match is tomorrow.”

“Is that what you’re nervous about? Your match?”

He shook his head. It took him another few seconds of trying and failing to control his breathing before he finally managed to say, “I have an interview right after. Biggest one yet.”

“Oh.” Lexie cocked her head. “That’s what you’re worried about?”

He smiled bitterly. “It’s stupid, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yeah, it is. It’s so stupid, I can’t even believe…” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s the PHORBS. I think I would be fine if it weren’t for the PHORBS. Or maybe if there were fewer of them.” He swallowed. “And the people, too. Maybe if fewer people were watching and if I could maybe shut down some of the grids and choose who could watch and who couldn't…”

“Mhmm,” Lexie said. She let him get it off his chest because she knew this was the bargaining phase. His mind was trying to find a logical solution to an illogical problem.

It was still feeding him the lie that his problem was something that could be fixed by just managing the variables. If he could control how many people watched, then he'd be fine.

Just like if she could just make sure she’d passed the test, then she would be fine.

But there was always another test. There was always another person to disappoint, and then the feelings of despair would rush right back.

“Do you just want to call off the interview?” Lexie asked, playing along.

“I can’t. You can't just refuse to do interviews if you’re in the AFC.”

“A Firebringer can.”

He gave a harsh laugh. “Being a Firebringer makes it worse. It means that I have to be an exemplary example.” He let his head hang. “I fucking hate being an example.”

It was the first time Lexie had ever heard Torin swear. It meant they were approaching the other phase. Frustration. 

“I never even wanted to join the AFC in the first place,” he muttered. “I don’t even watch the stupid thing.”

“So why did you?”

“The Association thought it would be a good idea for heroes to join the AFC so that more kids would want to be heroes. They needed a good spokesperson whom kids could look up to. My mom agreed.”

“Oh.” That made sense. “Did they ask you or did you offer?”

“They asked. I was okay with it. I didn’t think it would be like this, with so many interviews.”

“Have you told your parents?”

“No. They won’t get it. Theo’s…Theo. He was born oozing with charisma, and everyone he’s ever talked to has pretty much fallen in love with him. My dad’s never met a stranger, and my mom is naturally charming. Even Thor and Tamsin are good with people. But with me… it doesn’t come as easily,” he said. “When I think I’m being natural, I just end up making people uncomfortable, but when I try not to, they can still sometimes tell that something is wrong with me. It takes a lot of effort for me to get it exactly right and not sound stupid." He gripped his knees tightly. "It helps if I can see their faces. Sometimes I can tell from their facial cues how I'm being perceived, and I can adjust my behaviour accordingly. But that only works one-on-one, or when there are a couple of people in the group. When it's more than a million people are watching me, from every angle, and I can't even see them, and they can see me pretending…It's like I'm some kind of freaky robot."

Who has the personality of a log of wood.

She glanced at Tate, who was standing there, looking vaguely uncomfortable.

She remembered how he’d described Torin when they'd first met, and Lexie had thought the description accurate at the time as well.  

Which was exactly Torin's fear, and it was why he avoided people, not because he thought he was better than them, but because he was scared they would figure out that he wasn't as good as they thought he was.

Or rather, as socially adept.

"I don't know why I'm like this," he continued. "My mom says I overthink things. She thinks I get it from my Grandfather. My uncle’s like that too. She says it's what makes us good heroes, but it's also a terrible burden.”

Lexie nodded. She wondered if this was how Torin was in the game. Blessed with strength and power, but weighed down by keeping up appearances all the time.

It didn't seem like he even got to choose whether or not he wanted to be in the limelight.

Did he even want to be a hero?

“What do you want?” Lexie asked him. 

His head turned. 

“So far, you’ve said all the things you don’t want,” she said. “So what do you want?"

Before he could answer, Tate announced, “Someone’s coming. I think he’s looking for you.”

Lexie glanced at Tate. She hadn’t heard anything, but he didn’t look like he was lying.

Torin also just noticed that Tate was there, and he fixed his mask, getting to his feet. He didn’t really look calm, but he’d managed to get his breathing under control at least, although he still held himself too tightly, as though he were going to break into a million pieces at the slightest nudge.

But maybe that was just Lexie’sstrained eye noticing. She doubted the layperson would even be able to tell the difference. 

“How are you?” he asked Lexie woodenly. “My mom said there was some trouble earlier this morning.”

“I’m good,” she said. “I’m more worried about you right now.”

He shook his head. “Don’t be. I’ll be fine. I always am.” 

Lexie wasn’t so sure.

Sure, he might be able to recover from this current anxiety attack, but what about the next one? And also, would he be able to recover in time for his match tomorrow? What if he froze up during the match? Or in the interview after it?

Just then, someone turned the corner– a lean, muscular man with black hair and eyes so light they looked amber.

“Where the heck have you been?” he said to Torin, sparing a cursory glance at others in the space. “I’ve been calling you for five minutes now.”

“Just needed a break.”

“You’re up for your eval." The man's eyes lingered on Tate, then switched to Lexie.

“Hi,” Lexie said. 

He nodded. “Hello.” 

"Are you his trainer?"

"I'm a little bit of everything to be honest."

“Could you possibly cancel the interview after the match tomorrow? And maybe cancel the match too?"

His eyebrows furrowed. “What? Why?”

“Because–“

“Lexie,” Torin interrupted, and he shook his head with a disapproving look.

“What’s going on?" the man asked, and Torin responded with, “Nothing. These are just my friends, Lexie and ….” His gaze lingered on Tate.

“Tate,” the other boy introduced. Lexie thought she’d told Torin Tate’s name before, but maybe he'd forgotten. 

“I was just saying hi to them,” Torin completed. 

“Well, you can finish saying your hellos later. You need to get evaluated now. And there’s a reporter from Channel 5 who wants to talk to you after as well.”

His hands clenched. “Great," he said and walked away.

The trainer gave Lexie and Tate one more scanning glance before he followed.

Lexie watched them both turn the corner as Tate moved closer to her side. 

“Wow,” Tate said.

Lexie glanced at him, and he shrugged. “I didn’t really expect that from him.”

“What? Didn't expect there was more to him than being a playable main character?”

Tate at least had the decency to blush.

Lexie stared back at the wall Torin was sitting against. “Growing up in the public eye and being saddled with a bunch of expectations from the moment you were born must be tough. It’s like the world has already decided what you’re going to be before you figure it out yourself.”

“It’s better than growing up with nothing and having zero expectations placed on you. Everyone just expects you to be a nobody until you die an embarrassing and ultimately insignificant death.”

Lexie thought carefully before speaking. She didn’t want to invalidate Tate’s own struggles, but she also felt like the way he’d framed it was ultimately dismissive to Torin as well. “It’s a different poison, but the result is still suffering, isn’t it?”

“I guess.” A beat passed. “Did you actually have panic attacks, or were you just saying that to make him feel better?"

"No, I've had them. A bunch of times, actually.”

“Why?”

“Classic tale of the burned-out overachiever. My parents put a lot of pressure on me, and as a result, I learned to put a lot of pressure on myself.”

“Aiden did?”

“No, not Aiden. My parents on Earth 2. Dr. and Dr. Evans.” Lexie smiled at the memory. “When I was born, they thought I was a genius. Not because I got lucky enough to be one, just that they'd specifically bred to create genius children. At least that was my brother’s theory anyway.” Lexie felt a pang as she remembered Logan, but she brushed it away. “When I started reading before I turned four, they figured that they’d nailed it. And everything else they did from that point on was done to sustain my genius. I was never a genius, though. I had above-average intelligence, but there were things I sucked at, like maths, and I needed a bunch of tutors to keep up. I felt like I was drowning all the time, but since I always had straight A’s, that was what everyone expected from me. If I ever got a B, it felt like the world was ending. So that became my life. Studying. Surviving. Succeeding. My entire personality became 'don't fail.' I had no idea what I wanted beyond that. I just knew that failure wasn't an option."

"So what changed?"

"I came here,” Lexie said. “So I guess I have you to thank for that."

Tate cringed, as though he didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or an accusation.

He finally went with, "I didn’t think all that was happening. From afar, your life seemed perfect. You were smart, but not in the obnoxious way, just in a quiet, cool way. You were kind but not showy or preachy about it. You didn't care about partying or being popular, or all the other stupid shit the other kids cared about. You noticed things, but you were shrewd enough to know not to do anything about it.”

Lexie thought he might be referring to when she’d seen him getting bullied and walked away.

“Some people call that cowardice," she said.

“I call it being able to read the room. Playing hero would have made it worse. You knew that and acted accordingly." He paused. "I wouldn’t know you were going through all that shit just by looking at you."

“Did you look at me a lot?” she asked, and suddenly his face turned red.

He coughed.

"We should go.” He said and took off before Lexie could reply. 

They finally caught up to it in one of the rec rooms, where it seemed the entire crew gathered. It was just them, though, so Lexie thought Conrad had definitely used his former AFC champion privileges to get them a private lounging area with nice, clean couches and air that smelled faintly of citrus.

Lexie's arrival was met with fanfare.

"Holy shit, you're here!" Urmas said.

Cara screamed when she saw Lexie and attacked her with a hug. She basically launched herself from the couch over to Lexie's arms, throwing her back into the watercooler.

"You ass, you didn't answer any of my calls!" Cara accused.

"Sorry." Lexie held her so she wouldn't fall. "The dungeon messed up my system access, and I'm not back online yet."

"Seriously? How?"

"Don't know. I have a new number, though, I'll give it to you."

"Hi, Tate," Conrad called. "I know it looks like we only care about Lexie, but we are, in fact, very thrilled you're alive too."

Tate answered with a wry smile.

Lexie also said hi to Urmas, Shadow, Boris, and Jan before Cara got her attention again.

"You can make it up to me by fixing this." Cara materialized the card Lexie had made for her in her hand.

"What's up with it?"

"Ever since I levelled up, it overheats all the time. Urmas has the same problem, too."

"I do not," Urmas said immediately.

"Yeah, he does, he's just in denial. That and his leg is getting worse. This doctor he's seeing tried something new, and now it's like twitchier than ever. It's going to mess with his evals, I'm pretty sure. Is there anything you can do about it?"

"Of course she can't," Lane said. "Team evals are in ten minutes tops."

Lexie thought about it. "There might be something I can do."

She didn't know if she could do it in ten minutes. Then again, Lexie decided to kill two birds with one stone and have two brains do the work of one.

She whipped out a card and told her captive audience, "Brace yourself."

"For what?" Shadow asked.

Instead of answering, she activated and materialized a short Eldritch experimental monstrosity to stand by her.

Chaos ensued.

Cara shrieked and jumped behind Lexie. Even Boris pounced on the couch, and Shadow whipped out his sword in reflex. Urmas froze, halfway between fight and faint. Conrad, Lane and Tate merely stared, still processing.

"So, guys,” Lexie said cheerfully. “This is Pvilycht.”

AN: Happy New Year!