ALL CAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Apple Pie for Your Cinnamon Roll Cravings

You may be asking yourselves, best beloveds, how apple pie can sate your cinnamon roll cravings. Have a seat at my kitchen table, let the smell of pie crust oozing syrupy apples waft over you as I enlighten you about the goodness of this dish.

Best part? It looks like you SLAVED away in the kitchen for hours upon hours, painstakingly making an edible gift for your family. In reality, it is easy-peasy, as the kids would say. It's even easier if you use store bought refrigerated pie crust (go ahead, you know I will keep your secrets, culinary and otherwise).

Ingredients (makes 1 delectable apple cinnamon roll pie)

Two store bought pie crusts, enough for a top and bottom crust (if you're feeling EXTRA, you can make your own)

2 tbsp unsalted butter, melted

4 tsp ground cinnamon or more to taste - I don't know your life

8 cups apples (Granny Smith is always fine but whatever floats your boat. Lovely Assistant like to use Granny Smith and a couple other kinds for the different textures)

3/4 cup sugar

1 tsp cinnamon

3 tbsp flour

2 eggs, beaten with 1 tsp of water for an egg wash

Pinch of turbinado sugar if you have it

Assembly

Get your oven up to 350 F (or 180 C, for the international crew)

Peel, core and cut apples into thin slice; toss in a bowl with sugar, 1 tsp cinnamon, and 3 tbsp flour

Butter up a pie dish and set aside

Roll out one pie crust - thinly. Definitely not thicker than 1/4 inch though.

Pour about half the melted butter over that sucker and about half the cinnamon. Smear it around with a spoon or your hands, if you're nasty like Janet. If it doesn't look like enough? Add MORE! I don't judge.

Carefully roll up the pie crust toward you, keeping it tight. DOn't worry if butter or cinnamon oozes out, just smear it over the crust as you roll.

Slice the roll into rounds, roughly 1/4 inch thick.

Repeat with other pie crust.

Place half the rounds in the pie dish, starting with one in the center and moving around the pan (see second picture above). 

Now if you have any REPRESSED RAGE, now's the time to let it out. Smash those rounds down, starting in the center, working your way outward, and up the sides until you have a bee-yoo-tiful bottom pie crust.

Brush with half the egg wash.

Pile lovely apples into the bottom crust, along with any lovely syrupy juices in the bottom of the bowl

Get two pieces of parchment paper and arrange the remaining cinnamon rounds on one, repeating the pattern you used for the bottom crust.

Place the second piece of paper on top and roll out with a rolling pin, until it's as thin as you can get

Peel off the top piece of paper and verrrry carefully, slip your hands under the bottom paper and flip the flattened cinnamon rounds onto the top of the apple pile.

DO NOT WORRY!! This top crust may break, but you can easily patch it by pinching bits of dough together.

Pinch the top and bottom crust edges together. Trim off any excess.

Cut 2 or 3 small slits in the top of the pie, in an X or any pattern.

Brush the top of the pie with egg wash and sprinkle with turbinado sugar, if using.

Bake for 45 minutes, until the crust is golden brown.

Let cool for about 20 minutes.

Allow your guests to recognize your kitchen prowess and then put IN YOUR FACE.