Flexible Thinking for a Modern Life: Chapter 17
Added 2020-07-02 00:19:14 +0000 UTCSummary: A commission series for Alfalfa. Iris Fleurs, the stretchy daughter of a slime mother and a human father, tries to live her best life and feel comfortable in her own skin. Teenage rebellion ensues.
Flexible Thinking for a Modern Life
CHAPTER 17
"...And when you're face-to-face with a bully, remember to be a B.O.S.S.! Don't be a bystander, open your mouth, stand up for yourself, and stick with your friends..."
Iris was hunched over at her desk, her eyes glazing over as she stared straight ahead. She was only paying half-attention to the video that Mr. Hartford was playing at the front of the class. Left alone to her devices, she kept to herself; there was only a handful of students stuck in detention with her, and at least a few of them she recognized as regulars. Iris wasn't keen on getting too familiarized with them; there was no way in hell she was gonna end up back in this dump.
"...That's not how acronyms work..." Iris muttered, her head slumped forward. Burying her head in her arms, she managed to find a comfortable position that would drown out the inane, optimistic lecturing points, now playing for her reference from the convenience of a wheeled-in CTR television hooked up to a finicky VCR. Iris was thankful that Mr. Hartford wasted at least five minutes getting the damn thing set up; that was five minutes Iris wouldn't have to spend watching Norbert Nobulli and his colourful cast of friends.
The VCR whirred in agony. Maybe if she prayed enough, the damn thing would die a haggard death. Or catch fire and explode. Maybe melt down into slag. Then she could at least sit through the rest of this detention in deafening silence.
...Or, at least, as silent as it could get. Fucking Derek was tipping his chair over in the corner, rocking back and forth, producing an annoyingly steady, persistent creaking down. He was at least five desks over, but Iris had half a mind to stretch her leg over and give the rear legs of the chair a firm kick. That would get him to stop in a hurry.
With any luck he'd hit his head and get ushered out into the nurse's office. Then she could have some goddamn peace and quiet...
Her eyes drifted to the teacher's desk, glaring in Mr. Hartford's general direction. He had a newspaper unfurled, and a ballpoint pen gripped tightly. He was muttering inquisitively to himself, his back hunched over like a gargoyle. Goodness, his posture was terrible.
"Heheh. I also hate Mondays..." Hartford snickered to himself. The cartoon funnies and the puzzles were all on the same page, it sounded like.
...He was really into it. Iris wondered if she could try to sneak out undetected.
Her eyes drifted to the window, and the wheels started turning in her head. It wouldn't be tricky at all to slip out. Sure, they were on the second floor, but it's not like she'd get scuffed up from a fall of that kind. Or she could try a more subtle descent...
Though she'd probably have to get the window open. Her body could slip through a crack easily, but her clothes were another matter. And she sure wasn't in the mood to give Sherry more material to work with; a mad streaking campaign across campus would be an equivacable mess.
Ah, but if she opened the window, that'd probably be enough to draw attention to herself. Nobody bothered with oiling the hinges. She'd have to think outside the box. Maybe if she slipped through the ceiling tiles...
Tap tappa tap tap~
There was a melodic rasping at the door. Iris' attention drifted to the entrance, and in no time at all, the door simply jerked open.
"Ah! There you are! Dearest Reginald, darling~ I have a favour to ask of you~" It was Miss Monroe, letting herself in like she owned the place! Still gussied up in her tight-fitting sexy teacher get-up that left little to the imagination...
"Kamika??" Iris gasped silently, not taking long to remember Miss Monroe's true identity. What was she doing here!? Did Kamika know about Iris' appointment in detention?
"Um, Cassandra, I'm in the middle of something..." Mr. Hartford muttered, slinking lower as if to hide himself from the piercing look in Miss Monroe's green eyes. His general cowardice did little to abate the fiery look in her eyes—like a spurned lover.
"Oh get over yourself, Reginald. I thought it'd be nice to raise your spirits a bit, but I guess I should go fuck myself." Monroe rolled her eyes.
"Y-you really shouldn't be using that kind of language in front of the kids!" Mr. Hartford stammered, his face ablush.
"These are hardened delinquents. I think preserving their innocence is optimistic at best." Monroe placed her hand on her hip. "Anyone, I'm not here for you. I'm here to pick up Iris."
"...Iris?" Hartford blinked, pushing up the rim of his glasses. "Fleurs? C-can it wait until she's finished her session here? The movie's almost reached its emotional climax and-"
"It can't wait." Monroe curtly cut him off. "She's my assistant. She can serve detention under my watch, while we're grading papers."
"Y-you have a student grading papers? That's... that's highly irregular." Hartford's mouth flattened. "D-did you run the paperwork by Hawkins?"
"I... I was getting to that." Monroe muttered, clearing her throat.
"Well I got my own paperwork to fill out, and I can't let Iris just walk out." Hartford returned to his crossword. "She'll be out in about forty-five min-"
"Ohhh, I can't wait that long..." Monroe's tone changed. Her authoritative tone took on a sultry tinge; suddenly, the atmosphere of the room changed. It felt like it was getting hotter...
Monroe leaned over the desk, wrapping her manicured fingernails around the front page headlines, sharply jerking them to the desk. All the better to get a head-on look into Hartford's eyes. She had a devilish grin about her.
"C'moooon, Reggie. Do this itsy, bitsy, tiiiiiny favour for me, and I'll owe you..." She cooed, raising a finger to his chin, stroking it tenderly. "I'll owe you a biiiig favour~"
"...???????" Hartford was absolutely astonished at this flagrant display. Beads of sweat were trickling down his face.
"You knooow... I have a lot of stamina. So if you waaanted... you can do aaaanything you want to me~" Monroe winked slyly.
"Cassandra, I'm a happily married man." Hartford explained, not missing a beat.
"Ah, well done! She's happy to join us if you-"
"I have a family I love and cherish very much, Cassandra."
Silence hung heavily in the room. All eyes were locked on the front of the room; no one had ever expected a flirtatious display like this to play out in detention of all places. Well, Iris had a feeling something like this might happen, but...
All of a sudden, it got really, really tense and awkward. Nobody batted an eye. Nobody even noticed that fucking Derek—too distracted by the attempt at seduction on display—had tipped too far back and flipped backward. Now he sprawled along the hard linoleum floor, in mild discomfort.
Monroe's arousing expression quickly shifted to total and utter disdain. Her eyes narrowed, and she shoved the newspaper back in Hartford's face.
"God, you really need to learn to take a joke, Reggie..." Monroe sighed. "Anyway, I'm taking Iris, and there's nothing you can do or say to stop me. IRIS!"
"Y-yes ma'am!" Iris shot up from her desk, and hurried to the front of the class.
"Any objections, Reginald?" Monroe shot such a venomous look in his direction, it was a surprise he didn't die from poison then and there. He had no words; if anything it appeared he was only looking through Miss Monroe.
"Hmph. That's what I thought." Monroe rolled her eyes, placing a hand on her hip as she strutted towards the door. "Come along, dear."
Iris said nothing, casting an empathetic look towards Hartford, before hurrying behind Monroe to exit the class. The door slammed shut behind the two of them, and the class was left much quieter than it was before.
"...And remember that the adults in your lives are there to support you! Stay close to the ones you trust, especially family and friends of family..."
...Well, aside from the dumb anti-bullying advisory. That was still going.
"...Excuse me, students," Hartford staggered to his feet. "I feel I need to tell my wife how much I love her."
---
"I don't know who taught you to get into fistfights at school, Iris. I figured your mother was too spineless to encourage that kind of behaviour." Miss Monroe had choice words for Iris as the two of them travelled down the stairwells.
"I-it's not like I'm looking to fight, but... Sherry's a special kind of retarded that things just don't click right away for her." Iris folded her arms.
"Language." Monroe raised a finger to object to Iris' choice of language. Iris' jaw dropped.
"...Seriously? You were preparing to undress the philosophy prof in front of the class and you're gonna lecture me about my language??" Iris was baffled.
"Nah. Denigrating someone based on their mental faculties or other disability is decidedly low and easy-picking, and there are better ways to get under their skin. Besides, the teachers look for that sort of thing." Monroe glanced ahead. "For someone who gets picked on a lot, you reeeeally don't get how bullies operate."
"..." Iris wasn't expecting this degree of wokeness from a succubus in disguise, of all people. She wasn't sure what to make of it.
The two of them exited through the front doors. There weren't many students left at this time of day—only a few stragglers making late plans with friends underneath the old oak trees that dotted the front plaza. Iris and Miss Monroe walked the main path, headed for the gates.
"Anyway." Monroe looked forward. "I got you out of detention. I believe that merits praise of some sort?"
"So the pheromones weren't working?" Iris inquired, with a tilt of her head. Monroe winced in response, glaring at Iris.
"What the- what kind of ridiculous assertion is that!?" Monroe's cool attitude had quickly 180'd into a defensive snarl.
"Succubi use pheromones or some shit like that, right? And you were deeefinitely pulling all the stops on Mr. Hartford. I think you traumatized him or something." Iris shrugged.
"I-it's different for everyone!" Monroe stammered. "It's more, ah, an art than a science... a-and I wasn't using a lot of it."
"The room seemed pretty steamy to me..." Iris noted. "And there's like this, I dunno, stench about it. Like when you drive by a skunk on the freeway."
"IT'S A SEXUAL MUSK!" Monroe blurted. "THERE'S NOTHING DEFECTIVE ABOUT IT, OKAY!?" Monroe stopped right in her tracks, her face red as a beet. She turned to Iris with a furious expression.
"..." Iris paused in silence, before grinning to herself. "I thiiink I hit a nerve."
"Oh, shut up! This is about you, not me. I wasn't lying when I told that jackass that I still needed you..."
The two rounded the corner just outside the gates. The two of them had finally gotten off school property, and Iris was quite curious as to what her sensei had in mind for her.
"I guess I owe ya, huh..." Iris admitted with a beleaguered sigh. "Alright. I'm nothing if not flexible. What'd you need?"
"Ah, that's a good girl, so forthcoming and agreeable~" Monroe chuckled with a pleased grin. "It just so happened that I was about to go hunting for some special ingredients..."
"Ingredients?" Iris blinked. "Are you doing the cooking tonight?"
"Mmmmm, I'm cooking something up tonight. It's a bit of a personal project, veeeery ambitious, ohoho~" Monroe chuckled mirthfully, her eyes landing on Iris. "And since I'm well-behind on my errands, helping you escape and all that noise..."
Monroe leaned a little closer, and booped Iris on the nose.
"...I was thinking that you could help with the heavy lifting~" Monroe suggested gleefully. "So you can just tag along beside me while we shop around for the goods. How does that sound?"
"...You want me to carry your crap all around town...?" Iris deflated a little with the realization that she was about to be contracted to be her mentor's personal gopher.
"Of course! Nothing like hard work hones the mind and spirit, due diligence, yadayada..." Monroe explained, running through the motions. She hoped her words would be encouraging, but Iris' expression grew increasingly dour.
"...Don't give me that look. Regardless, you owe me, so buck up. I'd hate to stare at a face like that for the rest of the day, it would give me wrinkles..." Monroe sighed.
"...If I have to..." Iris groaned, already resigned to her lot in life. So much for getting a head start on cool superhero activities...
---
Back at the Kamika residence—or as much of a residence as it could be—her other three minions were busying themselves getting the place ready for Kamika's arrival.
"The mistress will be back any minute! Fly, you fools!" Double Double spat, using his inate athleticism to reach for the high, hard to reach places of the warehouse.
"Not sure why you're bothering wit' those, s'not like she goes up there anyway." Trouble muttered.
"Ah, shit, ran outta floor detergent!" Toil cried out.
"Aw jeez... use your spit if you gotta!" Trouble stirred anxiously.
"I'd rather you abstained from such a vulgar practice." Double Double shook his head.
"Why don't we just lay out some sheets? They got whole stacks'a them all around the place..." Toil looked around.
"You kiddin'? They's sheets for kids! Kamika ain't no kid!" Trouble blurted. "She'd put you in the wringer if you went and fetched her a race car bed or somethin'!"
"What!? It's a bed you can drive, dingus! While you sleep! It's the height of multitasking!" Toil explained himself with indignant insistences.
"I for one am most thankful the mistress doesn't trust you to drive her around." Double Double muttered. "Distracted driving like that would pose a threat to her health. And everyone else's..."
"You sayin' I'm a bad driver!?" Toil shouted towards the rafters.
"Ah don't pretend to be so upset. Your eyes barely point straight, you're probably seein' double anyway."
"Pardon?" Double cocked his head to the side.
"Not you, you dunce!" Trouble hollered, craning his neck straight up.
Rattle rattle rattle!
Kchunk!
The vent grate swung open. The three gargoyles immediately silenced themselves, each of them directing their beady eyes in the direction of the sound...
...Only to visibly relax upon the sight of Iris. She was poking her head out from the grate. She kinda resembled a snake—her neck was stretched to incredible lengths, disappearing into the labyrinthine darkness of the vents.
"Hey guys," Iris introduced herself, as one of her noodly arms slipped from the vent's opening, waving gingerly. "Don't mind me, just gotta do this thing..."
Her arm slithered through the air, searching for a small door adjacent to the enormous shuttering door. Her hand reached for the lock and, with a deft twist, unlocked it. Her hand lowered to the handle and, with an impatient jerk, swung the door open.
"Ah, you're a doll, Iris~" Kamika cooed, sauntering into the warehouse like she owned the place. In the relative privacy and security afforded by the alleyway, she dropped her disguise, along with any pretense as to her true nature.
"Couldn't you have picked the lock with your tail?" Iris muttered. "Or get one of your goons to do it?"
"Life is about new experiences, Iris." Kamika flippantly waved her hand. Iris' eyes glared in her direction.
"But I've already- ugh, nevermind." Iris glanced to the paper bags left by the side of the door. "Aren't you going to take your shit in?"
"Ohhh, I know you have that well in hand~" Kamika teased Iris, strolling towards the back of the warehouse. Iris' eyes widened.
"...Ugh." Iris hoped this brand of physical labour would lead to some great revelation. She began to retract her various limbs, slipping back through the ventilation...
A few minutes later, Iris was back in true form, hustling to heave a pair of enormous paper backs over to Kamika's abode.
"Getting this stuff was a pain in the ass, you know?" Iris whined. "Why'd we have to do so much running around? Big 'N Bargain probably had everything we needed, it's a one-stop-"
"It's about the quality of ingredients, dear. And Kamika Malagic is nothing if not a discerning purveyor of the topmost ingredients~" Kamika chuckled.
"Really? Cuz you were making a ton of substitutions." Iris' eyebrow perked up. "There was no reason we had to visit each dumb corner merchant. Twice."
"The recipe calls for a lot of ingredients. And you weren't about to gouge an eye of newt for me, so I guess we'll have to be creative now, won't we?" Kamika muttered, kneeling down to rummage through her bags.
"'Eye of newt', that's insane. I can't just abduct a house pet in broad daylight, for ingredients?? That's disgusting!" Iris sputtered.
"Oh, stop complaining. It's like you've never seen a chicken get butchered." Kamika rolled her eyes.
"I haven't! And I hope I never will!" Iris exclaimed, rubbing her forehead. "Seriously, what's all this even for, anyway?"
"Just a homemade brew. It's time-sensitive, so I wasn't about to prattle on about all the specifics."
Kamika was already lining up all the ingredients they had picked up around the commercial district: black licorice, rosewater, cinnamon, red wine, a single rose, a moonstone that one proprietor wasn't too keen on letting go for cheap. At least the two of them worked out an arrangement, with the help of a five-fingered discount...
"...You're not gonna be summoning any weird demons or anything, right?" Iris wondered with a pang of concern.
"What??" Kamika jerked her head back. "Why in the devil would I- are you implying I can't do anything by my own hands!?"
Iris folded her arms. "You sure couldn't manage to go shopping for random junk by yourself..."
"That's different!" Kamika clenched her fist. "How will you learn if I don't keep you under my wing? Hm??"
Iris didn't necessarily believe she was learning anything useful from being an errand girl. She glanced quizzically in Toil and Trouble's direction.
"Ah, don't take it personally. The mistress alway be running blokes through the ringer." Toil explained with a shrug.
"S'like a right of passage, eh?" Trouble grinned. "Think'a it this way; you'll basically be one of the gang before ya know it!"
"...That was almost encouraging! Almost." Iris sighed.
"Anyway, this project's on a need-to-know basis, and I don't need you distracting me. Your debt's paid, so go on, get." Kamika waved Iris off. "Go do that boring hero stuff you were yammering on about..."
"Oh? Just like that?" Iris blinked. "I'm free to do whatever-"
"Yes! Now go! Vamoose! Shoo!" Kamika repeated herself, a little more irritation in her voice.
Iris stared for a spell, and hurried out the front door. It's not like she wanted an excuse to loiter around this dump any longer.
"...Hah. Finally, some peace and quiet..." Kamika sighed, turning to her spread of ingredients. "Double Double, fetch my cauldron from the back!"
"At once, milady." Double Double bowed, before making off in a flash. Kamika smirked to herself.
"We're gonna need to add a bit more kick to this potion..." Kamika chuckled to herself.
