Medical update: Failed experiment number 2

So..spent the last 8 days on my higher dose of bupropion.... No,,nope... fuck this... Fuck this medication. I'm done. I'm going back to my old dose and asking to be off of it entirely. It is literally eating my will to live and my desire to be creative. Its like I don't care about anything anymore and I hate it, I just want to be me again...

I've given it the 8 weeks to let it work it's way out but I've just gotten more and more apathetic, less creative, more emotionally blunted, more cold to the people I love and can feel my care for my friends and family slowly slipping into the grey void of... "Meh...It's okay I guess"

at first I thought the sudden drop in desire to play video games was a good thing but I'm realizing that it's a lack of desire to really do anything at all. Occasionally I can force my self to go through the motions but deep down I don't really care about what I'm doing. I Feel the same way with my art all of a sudden. It's so hard to be creative when everything feels like different shades of grey concrete brutalism.

It wasn't even prescribed to me for depression. I WASN'T DEPRESSED. I never said to my doctor I was depressed..I said I was stressed and disappointed in my self because my ADHD made it difficult to work. But instead of an actual adhd medication they decided to put me on....This... Welbutrin may work for some people but it definitely does not work for me. If my total prospects were to work in a cubical in a grey corporate hell then this version of me could probably be perfectly productive in society. But I'm feeling my kinks,desires,loves,passions and driving inspirations slip away from me into a slowly melting abyss of boredom...

I wanted this medication to work. And for the first week? It was like a miracle. like someone suddenly turned my ADHD off, I could wake up on time every morning, get to work, everything was great. I had so much motivation. the second week was still pretty good. I stayed in good spirits but I could feel something changing. I didn't find my self spending time with friends as much, basically stopped writing. Could manage menial tasks and tedious work easily but creative things escaped me.  Saving money because I have no desires, losing weight because I don't really feel hungry or want to eat. The first dosage increase threw me into the worst depression I've ever felt in my life. and after a few weeks my doctor tried increasing the dose again, this time I didn't honestly feel as depressed as the first time but quickly that feeling of apathy and melancholy just got stronger, and stronger. and for a few days it almost felt okay because it sorta didn't matter to me...

I wanted to be free from the shackles of my ADHD to pursue my dreams,instead I was given freedom from my dreams so that I could embrace my shackles. 

I want to apologize to everyone who has been waiting for content. I have very much not been my self lately and from the deepest part of my heart, I am sorry.