Patreon Exclusive: Challenging The Gods part 1

Challenging the Gods
By FC Punk

Part One: The Blessing

Housing is a bitch in this city and beggars can’t be choosers.

I’d just gotten done with one chapter in my life and needed a new place, but with how high rent was I would definitely be needing housemates if I wanted to live in this prospective house. One thing led to another and I managed to get something together with some woman named Brandy. She had two other friends of her own and I thought that was perfect, she did half of my work for me! We’d need two other people just to make rent and utilities so I thought that was just great.

When it came time to meet Brandy and her friends the first thing I noticed was their size. All three of them had to be pushing like 800 pounds, they’re like way above that TLC show you know? Sharing a house with a bunch of landwhales was definitely not something I’d willingly choose, but, beggars can’t be choosers.

We first met over lunch, shocking I know.

I know I’m being a bit bitchy, but….at my current size I feel like I have a right to complain.

Fucking Gods. I’ll explain later.

So anyways, we met over lunch in the neighborhood dive bar The Blue Crow. To be perfectly honest Brandy is actually stunning despite the...well, it’s hard to call it anything other than blubber. Great big rolls of blubber hung off her and that muumuu she was wearing couldn't hide a damn thing. It’s like a sheet covering a small car, you can’t hide that shape.

Her friends Sherry and Margarita were debating with each other over whether french fries or onion rings were the better bar snack. I can still remember the passionate intensity in Sherry’s fleshy face at defending the merits of onion rings to Margarita’s precious french fries. Brandy insisted we do shots to celebrate our new arrangement.

Now, this is kind of embarrassing to admit, although really this entire thing is embarrassing on many levels. There’s layers to the embarrassment over my current hoggish state. I’m something of a lightweight when it comes to liquor. It took three shots before I was slurring my words.

I can remember her shaking her head at me in pity while she was already collecting eight empty shot glasses so far. “Heyy now!”  I slurred at her, “You’re only sober cuz yer fat!”

The smile she grew is etched in my mind. How she leant over and whispered “Actually, it’s because we're Gods.”

I obviously didn’t take such a claim seriously, especially not then. When our food came I was already shit faced drunk and when I get drunk I get competitive. I’m naturally competitive, it just gets really amplified when I’m all liquored up. Seeing these huge women eating such large amounts of food on top of so much liquor ignited the fire of competition inside of me and I tried to match up with Brandy bite for bite. I ordered cheeseburger sliders and those went down pretty fast, I didn’t even bother to savor it. I figured, if they weren’t savoring it why should I?

After the sliders were gone I actually had to undo my belt, I felt so bloated. Ha! Can you believe that’s what I thought. Now I have a better understanding of the word “bloated” than I did back then.

I leaned forward, holding my distended flat belly and saw Sherry and Margarita sort of snickering and looking like fat smug pigs. It just poured more fuel on my competitive fire and I ordered nachos and then some chili fries. Unfortunately while I was pigging out all the booze caught up with me and I vomited all over the bar.

That’s it, I was done.

Apparently Brandy paid our tab and took me home. I woke up the next day sprawled on my bed, my hair everywhere, and with a raging hangover. How did they know where I lived? That was the 100 dollar question.

“We’re Gods.”

I remembered that little part and laughed.

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A couple of days later we all moved in and celebrated with pizza.

It seemed like there was always a time to celebrate.

We spent most of the day out by the above ground pool the house had. Looking back on it now it made sense why they liked this house. Single story so they wouldn’t have to go up stairs (some Gods, but we’ll talk more about that in a bit) and a giant pool in the back? It’s no wonder these God Hogs wanted a house like this.

I was in my string bikini floating on my little pool raft when they came out with the pizzas and to my shock they were all wearing bikinis too. Back then, my views were more orthadox: Fatties shouldn’t be wearing bikinis.

There was so much bloated flesh on display, from Brandy’s huge boobs which were spilling out of her top to Sherry’s sagging sack of belly fat covering the front of her bottoms and smacking against her thunder thighs with each step and Margarita’s cellulite deformed ass hanging out of her thong.

They set up a few tables to set the multiple pizza boxes on and each got into the pool with me. After Brandy and Margarita came in and especially after Sherry joined us, the water in the pool got higher and overflowed the edges, spilling on the grass below

“Oops” the pink haired Sherry giggled, a tad embarrassed.

“Well don’t worry about that, there’s more water where that came from,” Margarita pulled her purple hair into a long ponytail while trying to reassure her friend.

“You’re right Margarita, it's like the old poem, “Water water everywhere so let’s all have a drink!”

“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t go like that,” I mumble around a mixed drink. Margarita and Sherry were both a little silly for me, but I enjoyed them nevertheless. Sip my cocktail, sip sip sip, these Gods were complete alcoholics who supplied the house with a seemingly unending flow of booze, I was constantly day drinking, if only to keep up with these drunks.

Brandy grabbed a paper plate and put a slice of pepperoni on it before placing it on my thigh. “Here you go, the first pizza of many celebrations.”

“Thanks Brandy,” I slurred around my powerful drink. Brandy’s huge boobs held her own drink which she was sipping from via a long silly straw. Through the transparent straw I could see the brown liquor moving, going through loops until it exited past Brandy’s plump lips like she was drinking lemonade. She paused her drinking to say, “Gods like us are always wanting to provide.”

“You keep calling yourselves Gods, why do you do that? Are you trying to be funny?” Like oil on a stuck door the liquor loosened me up and I was able to be confrontational and ask the questions I would be unable to do sober.

“No, we’re quite literally Gods. Margarita is a God of weather, Sherry is a God of spirits, and I am a God of good fortune.”

I looked at the two of them floating around the pool like a couple of hippos and then at Brandy with her booze in her tits and burst out laughing.

“You’ve been blessed to have us as roomies,” Margarita told me while I continued to hold my sides in laughter.

“Hahaa, sure. You control the weather, right? Prove it.”

“Look at our neighbors.”

I turned my head and looked at our neighbor's backyard. There was nothing out of the ordinary...until I really started to look. It was grey and cloudy. In fact, it was cloudy all around us except for our house. All around us it was sunny and perfect as could be. I looked up at the sky and there was a circle of blue sky and sunshine above us like the eye of a hurricane.

“W-what?”

“And where do you think all this booze is coming from?” Sherry asked, pulling a bottle of whiskey from below the pool and cracked it open, “It’s because I am a God of Spirits.”

I turned my head to Brandy who put her hands up in a sort of shrug, “It’s like I said, I’m a God of good fortune, you probably wouldn’t have gotten this place without us. You might say you lucked out.”

Unable to find words I took a long, hard gulp of my drink. This was all too much. After I finished it Sherry handed me another one out of thin air, a rum and coke that was mixed to perfection, not a single bit out of balance.

“How.”

Brandy began to explain, “We’ve always been around, mostly in Europe. We inspired the Greeks, the Romans. In England we were called fairies.”

“Nowadays we’re more likely to be called Aliens,” Margarita rolled her eyes while Sherry scoffed. “Which is totally lame. I much prefer being called a God. Oh! You need one more thing,” Sherry pulled out a long silly straw and put it in my drink.

“Where do you come from?”

Brandy chuckled, “Olympus. Asgard. Tír na nÓg. Avalon. Take your pick, it’s been so long we’ve kinda forgotten exactly where we came from.” “Yeah, after thousands upon thousands of years you just...kinda forget where you were born,” Sherry nodded her head as Margarita added, “If we were born. At this point I really wonder about that.”

“So were you always...um...look, I don’t want to insult you people and then you place a curse on me…”

The three of them laughed with Brandy saying “You can ask us anything. We’re all rather fond of you, so we’re not going to curse you.”

Relieved I took another sip through my silly straw and asked “Were you always so huge? Even back in Greece?”

Brandy and Margarita both looked at Sherry who waved her hands defensively, “Hey now! Don’t go blaming me!”

Brandy played with her belly fat with her hand “We’ve only been together for a little over a hundred years and ever since we hooked up with Sherry…”

“I told you, it’s not my fault!”

Margarita once more rolled her eyes, “It certainly is a very big coincidence.”

“Now hold on,” Sherry produced a beer and started to defend herself. “A hundred years ago there was no such thing as television or video games, or the internet. When television first came out I couldn’t get you two to go out at all, we all turned into a bunch of couch potatoes as a result. It’s only natural we’d put a few pounds on.”

“A few dozen hundred pounds in under a hundred years,” Margarita deadpanned with Brandy rubbing the bridge of her nose with her two pudgy fingers, “Between Margarita’s weather control, my good luck, and Sherry’s endless supply of booze our combined blessings turned out to fuel our Godly obesity. Our combined weight is 4,577 pounds of God lard.”

“So wait,” I interrupted their bickering, “That means you’re all over a thousand pounds, right? And you don’t feel pain?”

“Oh heavens no,” Sherry shook her head with Brandy explaining “We feel all the pleasure and all the pain mortals do. If I stub my toe it hurts just the same. Over the past hundred years we’ve all endured plenty of health problems from our massive obesity.” “Heart attacks, strokes, diabetic comas,” Sherry started to list them off while Margarita went on to say, “We go through all those complications, only we can’t die. In fact our biggest fear is decapitation because while our bodies would die our heads would live on…” All three Gods shuddered at the thought.

Another long sip from my silly straw emptied my rum and coke.

“Here you go!” Sherry giggled, handing me another one. “Why don’t you just turn the water in this pool into wine,” I mumbled while getting increasingly hammered.

Sherry tapped her original chin in thought before Margarita interrupted “Absolutely not!” Brandy shook her head, “Yeah stunts like that rarely turn out good.” Sherry sighed, “It’s true. I could turn this pool into wine but I wouldn’t be able to turn it back. It’d be a real waste of wine.”

“Swimming in wine,” I let out a sigh as I looked up at the circle opening over our home and how it was starting to rain on our neighbors while our backyard was sunny and 80 degrees. Laying on my little chair raft I said, “I still want some wine. It’s going to take a lot to process all this. Sherry pulled a wine bottle and a glass from behind her back.

“I won’t need a glass,” I tell the Booze God before grasping the bottle and pulled the cork out with my teeth. Drinking straight wine was enough to get me shitfaced to the point the pizza on my thigh looked mighty enticing. Gobbling it down I reached for a stray pizza box and put it in my lap.

The competitive fire sparked inside me and I went to town on the pizzas, getting cheese and oily sauce over my mouth.

“I wouldn't advise you to eat like a God,” Margarita warned me but my flaming competitive spirit drove me on.

“Hnnng, you Gods better not start believing you’re better than us mere mortals, I’ll show you girls up!” I drunkenly boast, finishing the entire box with a big boozy belch and move towards the second.

The girls just shook their heads with Sherry saying “Trying to challenge Gods never ends well for the challenger.” Brandy shrugged, “Let her try. It won’t be the first time a mortal has tried to compete with us. With my luck she might even win and ascend.”

I couldn’t listen, I was too smashed and too stuffed, only getting half way through the second box before I had to tap out. I laid on my pool floaty rubbing my once more distended stomach that forced my trim waist out that made me look pregnant. I felt so sick in my stomach from booze and pizza I leant my head over and threw up in the pool.

“Ewwwww!” The three Gods collectively squealed and I watched them struggle to hoist their immense thousand pound bodies out of the pool like a couple of beasts escaping danger. “This is why I don’t turn pools into wine, some drunk will inevitably puke in it and ruin it for everyone!”

I was seriously afraid of falling into the water and waved my arms around like a child wanting to be lifted by her mommy.

“Come on little one,” Brandy cooed and grabbed me out of the pool and guided me back inside. Sherry yanwed, “All that day drinking makes a God of spirit tired.” Margarita’s eyes were heavy as she concurred “Day drinking makes anyone tired.” Brandy looked down at me, “Do you wish to sleep little Mortal?”

I looked up at her and it dawned on me just how tall these gods were too, all close to seven feet of giant. Why didn’t I notice that? I suppose with their sheer size it was harder to notice. When you see a mountain of a woman, which do you take notice first, their width or their height? Either way I nodded, I was too smashed for all this. They led me to their room where their beds were all massive pillows, the kind where you expect Gods to lay on and be worshiped.

The three plopped down on their pillows which made the house shake. I collapsed face first onto Brandy’s left thigh and moaned at the soft impact. It was like falling into the softest cushion you could possibly think of. It was sooo comfortable. I felt like a baby snuggling into Brandy’s leg, my lithe body fit perfectly on it.

Unknownst to me I was so comfortable that I started to suckle on Brandy’s knee fold, leaving her knee with a red and blue colored hickey…

To be continued...