Looming Shadow

On a frigid morning in January, 2015, Sekaa and I got up at 5AM on about four hours sleep to drive 1.5 hours to Big Talbot Island for a sunrise shoot. We were exhausted from many long days of travel and shooting. We pulled into a dingy gas station for a restroom break. There, we regrouped, bought coffee, cranked the heat as hot as it would go, and screamed at the top of our lungs. Whenever we had to do a shoot like this, in the freezing cold and on very low energy, we would scream it out to amp ourselves up. 

We had never worked with this photographer before, but his references all checked out and his work is decent. But in the two days leading up to the shoot, he came off a bit domineering in his communication style. This is not uncommon for men in this industry, unfortunately. The morning of, he text messaged for us to meet him at a nearby truck stop, where we would carpool with him to the location. This is a huge red flag. I replied that I would rather meet him on location, but he said that the GPS would not find this location, and that it would be easier to carpool. After debating whether to forfeit the work and the effort it took getting there, we went to the truck stop and waited anxiously. 

A large-ish middle aged man arrived in a dark colored SUV and we hopped in. As he tore out of the parking lot, he auto-locked the doors and said "I'm gonna tell you girls something right now. I'm a retired police officer..."

Sekaa and I looked at each other in the rear view mirror, terrified. In less than 5 seconds, I had run through countless scenarios in my mind. I thought about dialing 911 discretely. I was also prepared to behave as though I was willing to cooperate, and at the opportune moment, shank this guy in the throat. Not that I am a violent person, but I will do what I need to do to survive.

Then he finished:

"...and I drive like one."

A rush of relief swept over me.

After being severely injured in a car accident 15 years ago, I'm typically very paranoid being a passenger in the car with someone I don't know; Especially someone who is an aggressive driver. However, I was so relieved that we were not being abducted and trafficked that I didn't have any anxiety left to be worried about dying in a car accident. 

As it turned out, this guy was definitely a bit domineering, a little blue collar and quite outspoken, but we actually liked him. He did make a few perverted remarks to which I responded very directly. Rather than shying away from him, I paralleled his brusqueness. To my surprise, that earned his respect. 

For example, he asked me "has anyone ever told you that you have really great..."

I finished, "breasts?" 

Sekaa laughed, "she's never heard THAT one before."

When we laughed at his expense, he was happy to be the clown of the hour.

In the end, he was just an average, middle aged white man with a few uninteresting hobbies, and easily amused by beautiful women.

Fortunately, everything turned out fine... which is more than I can say for many shoots over the last decade and a half.

In any case, this photo illustrates that shadow that is always looming. It's looming in the male gaze and in human nature... There is light and darkness in everything.