July 1, 2019 *mini set

Hi friends. I turned 28 years old today. I posted this on my personal Facebook, but thought I'd share with you, because this is where I'm at.

Here's what 28 looks like:

A few days ago, I was sitting alone at my kitchen table binge-eating a disgusting amount of ice cream... in secret, obviously. There's a knock at the door, and it's my mom, Jeffreeze sundae in hand, to sing 'happy birthday' to me. If you laughed, good. Because it's hilarious.

BUT ALSO-

I've struggled with sugar & binge eating ever since I quit drinking alcohol a few years ago. It's all good, but like everything/everyone, some days are better than others. You can easily decide to stop drinking alcohol, but you can't just stop eating.

It's unfortunate how surprises are so much more easily wasted on adults, who have learned about the aches and pains of life, and are perpetually (unconsciously and compulsively) looking for the next little fix to restore that void we all live with.

I still haven't figured it out yet. But I have learned that a major issue is expectation and the residual anticipation. We expect our lives to happen a certain way. We expect a particular kind of treatment from loved ones. We do not expect to lose loved ones who were so good to us that we did not feel the need to have expectations of them. After a few experiences of pain, loss, heartbreak, disappointment... we come to anticipate storms in our life, especially when the skies are clear.

This conditioning robs us of our relationship with our inner children. Children walk around with their hearts and minds open to the world. They have no expectations of what should or could happen. They do things fearlessly and with hope. They are completely present for their surprises, because they haven't been shoveling distractions into their faces.

Obviously, having a measured sense of caution and responsibility is what helps the inner child to survive walking around in a very dangerous world. But what good is walking around in this world if we are not really PRESENT?

The moral of the story is, I think I'd like to spend my 28th revolution working on nourishing my inner child. Right now, that means turning moments of grief, anxiety, expectations, disappointments into moments of gratitude. Right now, that is a constant challenge for me that I'm taking (literally) one breath at a time.

This morning, I gifted myself a yoga workshop with Elena Brower. I was sitting right in front of her, and she is unbelievably beautiful in every aspect. It is clear that she takes very good care of herself, inside and outside. Very inspiring.

I was ready to really push my body through a lot of healthy stress and into a rhythmic state. I was surprised to learn that 2/3 of the class was meditation. Holy shit. After 10 years of practicing yoga/meditation... I am so terrible at just being still with my thoughts. This was a pretty good indication of where my work lies for my 28th year.

After the class was over, with everyone hugging and saying their goodbyes, I left with a realization of what a solitary existence I live. I might even be more lonesome when I'm home than when I'm traveling- especially with my family having moved and my grandparents having passed on. Being the 'nurturing' type, it's probably good that I learn how to focus on restoring my inner child, before I become a bitter old lady.

But in this moment, I'm an adult. I'm at a coffee shop, where I'll be until all my work is done. Then I'm taking my inner child for a swim in the ocean.

What's the point of this post? I don't know. Does anyone know?

Anyway, 28 is weird. This life is weird, but I'm really grateful to be of (mostly) sound mind and able body. I'm grateful for everyone who thought of me today. I'm grateful for my loved ones who show up for me regularly. I'm grateful for nature and the ocean, music and art, and the freedom to explore all of these experiences. I'm even grateful for pain and the clarity that it brings.

Oh, and I'm grateful for all the fireworks. Thanks guys.

I'm also very thankful for YOU for supporting me through this creative journey. Thank you for hanging with me through all the ups and downs. I truly appreciate the freedom and creative autonomy your support allows me.

I've been hanging onto this set that Photosensualis shot of me during a dreamy trip to Northern California in my absolute favorite environment - OCEANSIDE. It is a smoking beautiful set of images taken by one of my dearest friends, and I felt that today was the special day to share it with you. Enjoy. 

(Higher tiers see more of this set)