The Desert Adventure

In honor of the upcoming spring sessions for The Desert Adventure, here is a lovely series done by R. Allyn Saroyan during the era of MonSekaa. 

I'm going to be personal with you. For the longest time, I was apprehensive about sharing these images, because of a body dysmorphia that I had never experienced before. For most of my career, I always had a confident, positive body image... And it is not as though I have had the exact same body for the 14 years I have been modeling. As a matter of fact, when I started modeling, I was only 85lbs. I gained and lost, my physique changing considerably over the years, and it never affected my confidence.

However, in the last few years, while I cared for my grandparents, I gained about ten pounds. This has partly to do with my body and hormones changing (which is normal for a woman in her mid-late twenties). A lot of it was due to stress, given the constant transition and the demanding responsibility of caring for my grandparents. And much of it had to do with my diet, obviously, and especially after I quit drinking alcohol. 

My grandfather's whole purpose in life shifted once my grandmother passed away. He cherished and doted after her, and cooked for her every single day. After she passed, I moved in with my grandfather to comfort and care for him. 

As a Greek man, he lived up to the reputation of force feeding me huge meals, and would actually become angry or upset with me if I refused to eat. He would even go on a hunger strike if I did not join him.

While he was still healthy, he cooked for me every day. I would wake up every morning to tea and toast, with eggs and spinach, waiting for me on the table. This was an adjustment for me, as someone who has never been a morning eater. But it was therapeutic for him, and nostalgic for me. I enjoyed sharing the mornings with him, watching his favorite game shows on television.

Coping with the loss of my Nana, my grandpa spent quite a few months eating a steady diet of ice cream and other comfort foods. As for me, struggling with having just given up alcohol, ice cream became a very natural replacement. So we indulged together. The above images were taken during that time period.

In time, I was able to get my grandfather out of the house every day, and we walked a great deal, when I was not on tour. I eventually was able to get him back on a normal routine of eating healthy meals. Over the course of the year, his health improved considerably. His diabetes had completely disappeared, his blood pressure regulated, and he was walking 3-4 miles a day with me. My health had begun to stabilize as well, but at that point I had already developed a disorder.

When I began working with Sekaa, (2014) she was about ten pounds heavier, and I was ten pounds lighter. In the four years we worked together, she gradually lost weight, and I gained. Posing with someone with such an athletic physique when I was not comfortable with the extra weight I was carrying was challenging; especially because everyone had come to expect excellence from MonSekaa, and we were known for our very physical work. I was hard on myself about it, at times.

Being on tour became progressively more difficult, especially with eating at photo events, or fine dining after shoots. There was often alcohol involved, which was an obvious challenge for me. The same photographers who expected a very specific look, would encourage us to 'treat ourselves' for our hard work; not realizing we do this work every day. I developed a very disordered relationship with my body and with food. I would pick up alcohol again, then put it down. Sugar became the replacement for that fix. To compensate,  I would exercise to an extreme, pushing my body to the point of injury. Then I would have to take a lot of time off to heal. I would be extremely regimented and restrictive in my diet, and then binge eat the absolute worst foods in secret. Then I would eliminate the bad foods altogether, and then binge eat the good foods to the point of making myself ill. Either way you look at it, I was punishing myself. This is an issue I'm still dealing with, but I've come to accept myself and my challenges.

Not long after 2017 TDA, as you all know, my grandfather suddenly became very ill, and it was a downhill spiral from there. Each month was a progressive challenge just to get him to eat anything at all. He could only stomach his absolute favorite comfort foods (mostly, the worst foods for you; pizza, lasagna, french fries, apple pie, and ice cream) and he would only eat if I ate with him. Although I had secretly resented him for my weight gain, I can't even begin to express my sadness when he would lose his taste for yet another food he once loved. It was a small tragedy, when my grandfather had reached ninety pounds, and could not even eat apple pie. That was his favorite.

Today, one thing that I can say with confidence is that I do not regret a single moment that I spent eating ice cream with my favorite human on the planet. My only regret is corrupting and abusing myself with some vain idea of permanence that is simply unattainable. I will undoubtedly ebb and flow through life. I will gain and lose weight. My skin and hair will change. I might get sick, and I can only hope to heal. But I know that I will look back on these moments, and my only regret will be that I tainted some beautiful moments punishing myself needlessly. Going forward, my work will always be to celebrate these beautiful moments in present time, and appreciate myself and my beauty, wherever I am at. 

One more thing; yesterday would have been my grandfather's 85th birthday. Coincidentally, it also marked one whole year without alcohol. (I hadn't planned that, it just happened). I am currently in the desert, enjoying the sun (and the full moon!) and getting ready for The Desert Adventure 2019. Each day is a new opportunity to experience this life in the most present way, with those who matter the most. I'd like to think my grandfather is proud of me for making positive changes that help me celebrate each moment, and not the contrary. Thanks for reading.

Tonight I'll be posting an image set that I took of Sekaa during TDA 2017 for $5+ tiers.

Stay tuned.