Stress.

Yes, I am a weirdo. I don't share selfies with most, but when I do, they are most likely weird. At any rate, here is a true look at one of my real-world nervous ticks. 

Not-so-fun fact: When stressed, I unconsciously clench my jaw and gnaw at the inside of my mouth. In 2016, this habit resulted in my jaw becoming dislocated.

These images were actually taken back in January. Things have compounded quite a bit since then, but I'm hanging in.

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Although he hasn't been in any tremendous pain, my grandfather's cancer symptoms are progressing, and it's ugly. For those of you who asked, he does not have dementia. He is very much alert and aware of who and where he is, and what is happening to him. That is a blessing and a curse.

He is terrified of the imminent, and only takes solace in the reassurance of my company. He feels isolated; and while he is fearful of being alone, he is more fearful of the unknown, and therefore, strangers. Thusly, he isolates himself further and expects me to be the center of his world, and vice versa.

He does not want to share me with anyone, and is resentful of anyone who receives my attention. Any men who speak to me nicely are suddenly his enemy. He gives me guilt trips whenever I have to leave him alone, even after having been with him for 8-10 hours. Fortunately, he is still in a nursing facility with nurses who give him plenty of love and attention. So even when I leave, he is never alone. 

I have been gradually taking space from him to avoid nurturing a dysfunctional dynamic. I want him to know that he is loved and supported; But he also needs to come to terms with his death without using (and abusing) my presence as a distraction and pacifier. 

Today I took my Grandfather to 'Kali Parea' at the Greek Orthodox church. It is basically a large group of seniors who congregate and socialize, drink coffee, eat pastry, play cards, listen to music, etc. He muttered under his breath the entire car ride that he was going to have problems with one 80 year old man in particular, (because he spoke to me fondly).

When we arrived, however, everyone welcomed us in with a warm embrace. He was headed for the empty table in the corner, and several people quickly retrieved him, and wrangled him over to a shared table. He was immediately forced to engage with dozens of Greek men (and some women) his own age. He didn't have the chance to withdraw.

I admit I was worried that I would regret the experience, but I was pleasantly surprised at how my grandpa flourished in the social company. It was wonderful to see him laughing and speaking in his native language with other people he could relate to. 

The women and men sort of segregate themselves to gender exclusive tables, though nobody took issue with me sitting at a men's table, nor did anyone take issue with the fact that I was under 60.  :) I received a bounty of hugs and kisses (on both cheeks). I was made to promise that we would return every single week. That's not bad for our first day.

I realize in this moment, that I don't think any of you know my papou's name: My papou's name is Eustathios, or Stevie, for short. ;)

Here is a photo from 2016, when he was healthy.

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Tomorrow I am spending the morning at home to work solely on Patreon.

I'll be announcing a new Tumblr post tomorrow.

It goes without saying, but thank you all for your support. 

XO.