Merry merry.

Merry Christmas & happy holidays to all of you.

Good news, bad news, and uncertainty. 

Good news is that my grandfather was able to come home just in time for Christmas. He's adjusting to his new situation, and his new electric recliner. 

This Christmas is a bit different than what I'm used to. My mother and sisters live 8 hours away, and my grandmother is no longer with us. Christmas Eve we used to spend here, with our grandparents and little cousins. Christmas Day would be spent at Mom's. 

This year, my aunt, uncle, and cousins spent Christmas Eve making their gingerbread house and watching movies, while my grandfather slept in his new chair. I was feeling pretty somber, until a long time friend invited me to his family's Italian Christmas 'seven fish feast.' It was a wonderfully warm evening, which helped to take my mind off of the stress of my situation. I returned home to my family members snuggling around the tree, watching National Lampoons.

Bad news; My grandfather still is suffering from his infection. Additionally, he is filled with overwhelming anxiety and the accompanying psychosomatic pain, due to the uncertainty of his recent diagnosis. He still can't sleep in bed, so he stayed in his recliner, and I stayed beside him on the sofa. But there was no sleep to be had. Between his infection symptoms, his back pain, and nerves, he was up literally every 20 minutes with a new crisis for the entire evening. This has been his trend for the last two weeks. I got maybe two hours of accumulative sleep all night, and I woke up sick. My body is definitely sounding all of the alarms. 

Christmas day has been just the two of us. He can't eat anything special today, because he has a PT scan tomorrow to stage his cancer. So maybe we will do something special after his scan. 

Uncertainty; Essentially, this Christmas season has been ultimately about hanging on and embracing uncomfortable change. I am preparing to be thrust full throttle into the unknown in the coming days. Please bear with me through this time.

I have appreciated your support and concern through times like these. Knowing that I can channel my grief through imagery and writing and be supported in the process is such a gratifying privilege. I hope your holidays are as warm and wonderful as you have been to me.

xo