At that time many photographers and videographers texted me (Part 2)

The story's going further)

I remember riding in a cab in a white shirt, as loose as I was myself at that moment. Back then the inner baths were filled with other feelings. Now the inner baths are filled from a longer journey and serious thoughts, and the sound of freedom is different now, it is not only in the naked body or self-expression, but now it also sounds in the desire for safety.

We met in a cafe, and I thought he was cute, my kind of guy. I guess that's what I like most about people, to see some kind of similarity. Sometimes it's hard to explain what those similarities are, but I can feel them.

We had never met before, so it all seemed so romantic and funny to me.

There are people next to whom you feel tension, it's hard to relax, words don't flow in their usual stream. And if you communicate a lot with such people or have some kind of relationship, over time you stop feeling like yourself, even your body stops liking you, you look at yourself naked, you know, your chest, waist and arms hanging wrong, and you feel weird, not enjoying your body. Next to uptight people, some of their own magic disappears, some of the grease that makes it so easy for a person to connect to the world. This guy wasn't like that; next to him, I wasn't embarrassed about my English. We sat in a cafe and had coffee and laughed, it was a French spring. I remember the taste of that white shirt in the sun, the nice jeans and the inward focus. Maybe it was the temporary liveliness from the coffee.

We climbed the high stairs to the very last floor to his apartment, dragging my big suitcase. I always take a lot of stuff for some reason, probably to feel free in my clothing decisions, but remain unfree to move around and carry weights lol=)

At the time, I didn't think yet that something big would happen between us and at some point we would fight and I would have to lift that big suitcase by myself and then bring it down. But no, it wasn't going to happen this time, but on my next trip to Paris.

We went up to this French apartment with light walls, lots of books about photography and we started taking pictures and videos and kissing and having sex. it's very nice when you touch a new body, new lips, there's a match in all this and in the nice kissing. Because you can touch a person, kiss, make love to them and not feel anything, but this time there was a match)

And yes, it was spontaneous sex again, but it turned into an affair. And I still have not answered myself the question whether spontaneous sex is good or bad, because very often psychologists say that if you want a serious relationship you should stop with short romances and spontaneous sex. I really do not know how to do it right, morally as you feel and all, sometimes you want something like that. But I can assume that some spontaneity, quick sex, won't hurt if you feel like you own the situation and it's safe for you. I think I just realized, even to myself, what the difference is. Yes, I've had different experiences, and the most satisfying one is when I feel like I own the situation and I really want it, and I don't hesitate inside.

After sex we went to drink wine on a ship with his friends, I was wearing a black leather jacket with "Jean Michel Basquiat" written on the back and velvet blue boots under a short skirt.

I didn't expect anything from this relationship, we had fun, we laughed a lot, he took great pictures of me: the way I saw myself. I was still myself.

Oh! and I also had an unfinished relationship at the time, everything was so badly unclear and confusing with it, that I remember myself as very tired of it all, so much so that I allowed myself to start a new romance in Paris.

Now of course I want to ask, "Maria, why the fuck not to just finish what seems very unstable," and as if nothing was holding me back, as if I was stuck in the swamp of this relationship, we hardly ever saw each other, and I was already building my life in all matters, but the swamp was still inside me.

And the unfinished relationship was with a man who was 17 years older than me, yes, the same guy who was very active in getting into my photographic work issues, and shitting on almost everyone by calling himself an artist! I'm still trying to solve this creative conundrum, to find a formula by which to understand my creative product. I mean, what is really beautiful and stylish looking or sounds with uplifting atonality, and where is it a narcissistic deception offset by a lack of knowledge. Even so, something worthwhile might come out, but it would be just luck, not regularity.

I remember how on a day off, the videographer and I went to a flower market in the center of Paris to buy flowers for him to hang on his windows for the summer. It seemed untimely to me, I thought, why am I taking part in this? After all, I would leave and the flowers would stay with him, I was now going to pick them out, and as if we were playing the role of some couple who lived together, although that was not the case. I felt uncomfortable at this point, it felt like something untimely. I decided to not care, but it felt weird....

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