My first time

For me, purity is something that has to do with my body and my clothes, my space. I really love it when the cleaner comes and changes the linens. You go to bed in the evening after a warm shower and wake up clean, on fresh linens that smell of conditioner. You put on light-washed Levi's and a white soft T-shirt without a bra. And then drink Ushang red tea for breakfast.

Lots of little harmonics running and merging into a state of vibration. Harmonics are the little parts of a holistic harmonic that happen in everyday little things, like a soft white T-shirt or a clean bed. From them you then get to feel a state of harmony as a whole! Hmmm this explanation of the word harmonic is possible, but really it is a musical term that means the following: Harmonic is an additional tone that is always higher in frequency than the main tone. Took it from Wiki

This was my last trip to camp. My parents had sent me to camp for a month every summer since first grade, it was a big deal for me. You're always really excited, thinking about what you're going to take with you out of clothes and dreaming about having a great time. and of course imagining meeting some boys and making new friends.

I was 15 and it was my last summer in camp!

In general, apart from the skills to quickly adjust to a new place and communicate, camp roulette is also important. By this I mean which squad and room you get in, which girls you'll be placed with. You really don't understand how the counselors assign you, because each kid with his parents arrives at a different time, but at the end somehow it turns out that someone's room is the most fun and trendy. I would also like to add that one squad carries different ages, for example from 11 to 13 years old or only children 12-13 years old. Each camp is different, there is also a squad of 13-14-year-olds, and if you're 13, you can get into a squad with 11-year-olds or get where you're all the same age, in short it's luck.

It was my last time at camp, and I knew that I would definitely be in the oldest group, where we were all equal in our desire to have fun. The whole squad was lucky: we got very friendly agreeable counselors, so we definitely all had as much fun as we could. Here I mean secret night walks, secret because we also understood that it would not be good to set up counselors, and the typical: cigarettes and alcohol, and just all kinds of stuff =)

I remember when I was younger, we were always looking at the older kids squads, what shows they perform, we looked at them with admiration, but our senior group was not like that... We went to bed very late, and during rehearsals we just freaked out, joked a lot, we probably remained in the memory of the camp as the craziest group, without beautiful performances. That is the squad of raving dumbasses.)

The camp was called Salute, I was there twice and I liked the nature, the high pines, the remoteness from the city and the architecture of the houses where we lived. They were huts, or rather they were all so called, the older squads lived in huts, and the younger squads lived in the buildings with rooms. Our hut was big, divided into 4 rooms for two groups: that is, in one group all the girls lived together, there were something like 10 of us in a room. and you know, it was cool - there was no division between active rooms and lame ones, which I sometimes got into. Yes, it happened, sometimes it was in my room that all the kids were younger than me, but that was a benefit too, I was spending the summer as a kid =)

This was a guy I had started dating since I was 14 or 15, he was 3 years older than me. We were very messy - breaking up, fighting, trying to get each other's attention, and then breaking up again. There was passion, anger and a big difference between us, like a typical relationship of two dumbasses who haven't been taught how to devote time to themselves and their hobbies. How fucking important is it, besides putting a child in school, but helping them find their way, teaching them how to entertain themselves with dance, music, etc.

We were very different, from different families and social circles. But now I realize what we had in common was a desire to get away from it all and an inability to waste our time. Neither he nor I had a passion that we were obsessed with, you know?

So we tried to forget ourselves in our problematic interactions, affection, and alcohol. We needed somewhere to take a break from family and school and friends, I realize now that I wish I could trade that time for some other skills, but I've written about this more than once and will write again, maybe as an excuse to myself, or maybe because of actual circumstances, as an example of how boys are often allowed to skateboard more than girls. And my mom and dad were those parents: I'm a girl and need to learn, creativity bullshit, need a technical education, BUT for some reason they did not resist my dating, that's what I spent my free time on, but the worst part, both free time in reality, and in head.....

...

This guy had a prom in the middle of the summer, and I was just leaving for a last summer camp shift in my 15s. We were talking on the phone and it turned out that the night of his prom, he had hooked up with a girl in the backyard who was known for not caring who she slept with. And, of course, was not a virgin, unlike him and me. Maybe my desire to keep going out with him also depended on the fact that we were both virgins. we talked to each other about feelings, and it seemed so logical to sleep with each other, to lose our virginity together, but reality, unlike my dreams, turned out to be quite different.

You know, often, coming out of a relationship, I thought about how good it was that it ended. good that I didn't have children and I didn't get married. So this story was not at all a sweet hope for virtue, especially since he was always actively taking the place of the bad hero, so why was I expecting anything adequate?

I remember being mad at this girl, but she had nothing to do with it, we weren't friends and didn't even reach the status of acquaintances. And in general it's just another unfairness of the fact that boys are allowed to sleep around a lot and with different partners, but the girl immediately becomes some kind of passing out character with all the fame in the neighborhood, district........

The feeling that creaked in me was revenge, revenge for such betrayal and treason. Total trickery, which was not in my plans, my teenage life was chaos as it was, and I wanted purity, at least in this matter. I wanted that good movie scene of two teenage virgins. And that myth was killed! Jealousy and anger brought me the idea, and I knew there was no going back..... I decided to sleep with a camp dj, my first time....

Now I can assume that this guy wanted to sleep with someone more experienced, maybe he had feelings for me and therefore was afraid of the responsibility, or maybe he was just thinking about himself and what was comfortable for him..... Fuck knows if it was the right choice, but it was definitely my choice to close the gestalt, more like try what it is. To get rid of the pressure of information under the word SEX. We all love to watch movies about such fallen angels, but in life we chase purity by Christian concepts or high moral standards from society. yes, I am a fallen angel, but this is my life and my story that is ticking and I love it so much.

Camp DJ was 5 years older than me: I was 15 and he was 20...... He had a girlfriend, a very pretty blonde girl from a wealthy family, and DJ dated little 14-16 year old girls from time to time during camp time. Basically 5 years is not that big of a difference between 25 year olds and 30 year olds. Although here I am 28, and I already feel that difference between me and a 25 year old. But let me not forget that everyone is different, plus I have friends who are from 23 years old.

More than once I thought back to my 15 when I was in my 20s and thought about this DJ. And you know, at the beginning of January I watched the movie that inspired this story. It's called 'In the Spotlight,' , journalists investigate the subject of priests who have sex with children, molest them, or just force them. Um, no, no one forced me, rather he was even my prey, but it was all so weird.....

DJ and the other PE guys lived in the hut across from ours, and I went over to his place at night, like we had agreed to by text. Got into bed and we did it, trying not to be heard as much as I thought we were..... It was weird and funny and almost painless. In the morning I found a small bit of blood on my panties, and I felt like the job was finally done, I wasn't a virgin.

Then we hooked up with him almost every night in different places in the camp, he knew where no one would be. In these moments I watched my feelings, it was as if my body didn't know what was going on, he was in complete control of me. I felt my first notes of arousal, of vulgarity, of frankness, but at the same time I was embarrassed and sad because I was perfectly aware of what I had done. I was perfectly aware of that thin line that I thought was behind such a huge, thick wall (but there was no wall). There was no wall, there was only action, only one movement, after which there was never going back..... I guess such a fine line for me now is having children.......

There was almost nothing left of the feeling of revenge, only fear and another loneliness, as if all those feelings and worries about sex were gone, leaving me alone. It was as if I had put so much meaning into them. Loneliness in this case means the emptiness you feel, after the experience you thought so much about. and having done it you are left alone again with yourself, inside yourself!

Perhaps as children we learn this taste of purity and harmony through childishness, our loved ones, and growing up we lose it and try to find it in clean clothes, in light colors, in tea and a morning book. It's hard to imagine that sex at 15 is about that. It's more about the desire to lose your childhood, to let a new experience into your routine as soon as possible.....

Now by force of my time on this planet, I can ask myself, who was I getting revenge on back then?

That DJ fucked me like a grown-up girl, as if he was not my first time and I already knew what I wanted, how I would enjoy it. But I didn't understand anything and I was just a 15 year old teenager at a children's camp that my parents came to visit on weekends.

And that's how my sex life began! And as for DJ, I want to say, going back to this movie, there's a very interesting psychological point why priests sleep with children and don't see anything wrong with it. Explaining that they are doing the same thing as they went through. I will allow myself to make an assumption. We are all made up of different parts to some degree, Eric Berne's entire book, Transactional Analysis, and so on writes about this. For example, women are often taught to be adults about raising children or keeping the house in order, but are not taught about earning a living, leaving that process to the development of the child. Or women are taught to be adults about sex, but are not taught how to get information about the world, politics.

I think you've met people who haven't learned how to make friends, but can be good at their jobs and, say, take proper care of their health. There's some sort of missing out on something that happens to everybody. People can be very smart and talented musicians, but, for example, completely unable to manage their finances. Manage it like a teenager - spend it all now. And you're like, "How is that possible, you know such complex processes, but here you are acting like a child!"

And I assumed that priests are taught a lot of things, but absolutely do not let them experience the sexual experience, grow in this sexual experience, they are isolated from the world, and internally they remain children in this sexual matter, although in other matters they are adults. as if a psychological amputation is taking place....

Maybe this DJ was also an inner child in his 20s, and that's why he was comfortable spending time with teenagers and making love to them. There could be many theories as to why this happened. People could be sexually developed and mentally not. Or it could be the other way around for everyone to spend their time on what. Time is a bargaining chip: what you do is what you have. Right now I'm actively trying to trade it in for music. And as for me, it's an interesting tangle. Seems to be an intelligent, tasteful person, but feeding himself off of naked photography. Well if you put all my thoughts on the table, I am so often worried about my work, about selling my naked creativity. And what do photographers who make money not from their naked bodies, but from someone else's? What's the tangle there?

Check out this movie. In the Spotlight.

And yes, I almost forgot, then after camp I was friends with the PE guys who lived in the room with the DJ. Yeah, just friends, they were 2-3 years older than me, were closer to me. One of them shared with me all the details of my hookups in the camp surroundings, then I freaked the fuck out and thought, why was this jerk telling about our sex? That's disgusting. So it turned out that my virginity was a kind of performance that had an audience =)

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