My gainer origin story

I had my Gainer Origin Story posted on my Grommr profile but then felt embarrassed by it when some whiny bish made a caustic post about oversharing on your initial profile. He and I don't naturally click anyway, so fuck him. But at this point, it seems like this might indeed be a better place to post it. 

When I was a young boy, my father took me to an old barber who had a huge round belly. He gave *terrible* haircuts- this is back in the 70's when boys had longish hair and unisex was the look for kids. So my classmates at school made fun of my terrible haircuts and of course I internalized the shame of it all. But I was obsessed with the shape and power of the barber's belly- I even remember his name, decades later.

Among my first crushes was a fellow fourth grader with a beautiful round belly. I had to be near him, to stare at him. He played the clarinet, so, of course, I had to play the clarinet too. That story arch has a life of its own.

I had a big gain in middle school, with my dick raging hard all the time. I had no idea this was a sexual response. I just know I was obsessed with my belly and other guys with bellies. My dick kinda got in the way of the profile and was annoying. It seemed pretty stupid and worthless.

I never associated gaining with a sexual predilection until I joined AOL and got online in May of 1996. I stumbled on Big Belly M4M and eventually GainrWeb and Belly Builders and suddenly, all the puzzle pieces started clicking together. So what do I do? Lose 30 pounds, of course, and try to push it all away.

I landed a big new job in my late 20's with a sadistically narcissistic boss who (surprise surprise) was also an encourager. He would employ younger guys whom he loved to take out to lunch and fatten up- to a point. Our relationship was a train wreck in slow motion. I gained 65 lbs with him in 8 months and we were never overtly sexual.

Through a series of hardships I'd turn to food and gaining as distraction and consolation and to sublimate whatever I was feeling. Can't lie about that. So I wonder how much of this is *me* or *trauma response me* - but I do know that I love my belly. And there's a part of it that will always be a part of me.