Grief

It's been 14 days now since Marv left. Marv is my closest friend and this loss is the hardest I've had to face. It seems to come at a time even harder when some friendships have ended too. I seem to manage to push people away, some of them it's my choice, some of them it's theirs. Either way I'm grieving more than the loss of Marv. A friend warned me it would get harder as the memories of Marv returned, he was right. 

The first two weeks, the first two days I had such immense support, mostly online and one friend here on the island who came over to be with me the afternoon he died. That was incredible.

The second day we buried his body. It's important for me to affirm that it's his body that has gone and not him. I found it hard to work. I needed to be close to God. I feel like i am. 

Day 13 the memories returned, and I could see him everywhere, his furry body and all the places he sat. That part is getting worse. The nights are hard, I cry painful tears. The loss is irreplaceable.

Last Sunday I had had enough of the pain, I made it bourbon day. 12 drinks later and the pain had not gone away and I was not even drunk.

Luckily I dropped into meditation once I got home and had a breakthrough. I realised that the journey i signed up for was the spiritual path, was the journey of inner healing and inner transformation. This is why I often feel like such a failure in the material world, the world that told us to be stars, drive fancy cars and own lots of property. The same world that is telling us to own nothing and you will be happy. Imagine a world where everyone is told to attach to money as a representation of their inner nad outer worth and then several decades later told their money could be worth nothing? Don't you think those same people will also have a crisis of identity?

Am I supposed to be getting ready to help those people?

I'm not sure who to trust anymore.

Tonight I went to bed at 8.30pm. i have been focussing on as much meditation as i can to feel through the pain, to allow what's underneath to rise to the surface. Sometimes what's underneath hurts too much. Hence why Bourbon Sunday came about. I just needed a day off from the suffering, a day off from. doing all the right things to take away the pain and still feeling it. Sometimes a "fuck it" moment is in order. Even my spiritual teacher will recommend it, well the fuck it, not the bourbon.

My father, sister in law, nephew, niece and my sister at least reached out to send their condolences even if my mother and other siblings did not. It seems my two brothers and sister do not stay in contact anymore. I don't know exactly what it is I have done other than be myself.

Nights are hard. The crying is hard but waking up and realising that the only being who loved me unconditionally has gone. 

I want to get off this island. I know running away solves nothing, but I don't feel loved here. I know that I have to heal my wounds from the inside. Changing the environment only helps to distract a bit. And of course it's possible to find somewhere where you fit in better. I feel like the ugly duckling, and i still haven't found my home. My home was with Marv and so it made up for all the other stuff that is missing like a partner, family, community.

Now that he's in spirit now, I have the option to leave, and I'm waiting for the courage and the guidance to go. Hawaii came to mind today. 

I know this time of grief is an opportunity for me to grieve so much on top of this loss, everything that's underneath the surface. Tonight i woke up feeling such a failure, feeling so hated. I know the friend I lost to suicide last year was probably feeling much like me, and I can completely understand why people choose to leave. The pain is unbareable but so far I have managed it. Something I've realised about suicide is that it's the pain you want to kill, not yourself. Yourself is not killed as you are spirit, you are consciousness, it's the body you kill. I wonder what disturbances this creates in the spirit world, if you take your life before your death is planned. I hope it doesn't leave the person in the same pain they killed their body for, that would be my fear. The releasing of the body is temporary.

Marvin had the most beautiful soul, my friend. I miss his soul. I know that i have reframed it so that his spirit is inside me, but I miss his physical form now so much it aches. His love was the only proof that I was loveable. He loved me no matter what. It really cemented it for me when I came home from hospital and he seemed so sad and depressed I realised he thought I had died, and he was in the same mood I am now. I had to convince him I was not a ghost and he didn't leave my side as I hugged him back to life. Unfortunately there are no ghosts of Marvin walking in, like Jesus returned, saying todah! I'm here. 

There's just the emptiness as I will myself to accept this as a sacred journey of grief with the courage to feel everything that's underneath. It's hard and the pain is so bad, I am actually surprised I don't feel suicidal. I trust at some point maybe this pain will end. I pray that there will be a time when life feels good. For now I at least keep up with my patreon posts, I don't want to lose you too. 

Thanks to those who have stayed and thanks to those that returned. I need you here. 

Suze x