This is Suze

Hey Patrons

Added 2022-04-07 17:48:56 +0000 UTC

I feel really strange. It felt like my world has just flipped upside down, one minute I was feeling great, and now it feels like everything I was working towards feels like a game of snakes and ladders, one minute i'm up the ladder and now I slid down a snake again. When does this end? Do we ever get to stay up the ladder permanently? That's what I would like to know. In these times, and living with CPTSD is really hard, it's hard to increase my income, it's hard to make forward progress and it's hard to have good relationships. seeing Daniel brought up so much pain, it has kind of thrown me off centre, I feel physical pain in my heart, chest and belly. Emotional wounds are weird right?Seeing Daniel brought up so much pain, it has kind of thrown me off centre, I feel physical pain in my heart, chest and belly. Emotional wounds are weird right?

I wish I could just take a holiday but unfortunately because I often have to take time off for flashbacks, that rules out on my income the chance of having a holiday, I think my last one was 2017. Of course, I don't work 9-5 so it's a little different, I do get to plan my days how I like, but yeh, I'm in the lows right now, which is not where I want to be. The other thing that always stresses me out is knowing what content my patrons are excited about and feeling under pressure to provide and that takes me right out of authenticity. Being authentic means being myself. I know I have some really loyal followers who are along for the ride, and all sides of me, but I also know there are some who are only here for one aspect of me, and when I'm feeling like this, that means if I don't provide that content, next month those patrons leave, my income gets even lower and i'm trapped into doing things I don't want to do, and I don't want to do that. Snakes and ladders and roundabouts.

I'm getting some support tonight from my EFT teacher because I am in quite a severe state of disregulation. I am hoping he can get me out of it before depression hits.

I do have content for you, I am just struggling to get anything done at the moment, but rest assured I am doing my best.

with love

Suze