authenticity magnified

Authenticity. What a journey. I think there was a point where authenticity to me was all about being natural. Natural hair, natural body, speaking honestly, transparently, sharing your behind the scenes in a world of showreels.

Being real is a confusing conundrum, in a world where we have grown up conditioned out of our natural nature. 

I started my journey of authenticity by sitting in front of the camera just being myself. That has moved onto times where i have felt really happy and free and excited about being naked. it was fun. Then there have been times where i have been moving through really strong flashbacks of trauma, and started to feel ashamed. My values and society's didn't match. I've never felt fully free.

The other morning I woke up and noticed some fear within me, and I just decided to play with the energy and see if I could turn it into excitement.

I went down to my local coffee shop overlooking the sea and did some writing and asked my inner desire about my work. I was surprised to read the words in front of me. I don't mind the work I do on patreon, it's only worrying what other people think.

Worrying about what other people think? who are these people that we worry about?

The tribe. The rules set by whatever tribe we grow up in. These people are never our friends. Our friends don't mind what we do, they celebrate and support us no matter what. They are not judging us. Anyone judging you is not your friend.

I started playing with my excited energy and realised how strongly this energy has been with me all my life, from a young age, but I never felt free to really be myself. 

this is why the other day, I wanted to explore this energy, to allow my desires, to give myself permission. I want to feel free to play and play in an adult way. 

I don't want to make any promises. This is not designed to tease, this is an exploration, and i am looking into all the options. Ways in which I want to explore my sexuality. in ways that excite me, and only lead from that energy. When i let this inner sexual energy lead, I feel excited about life in so many ways. I can feel the depression moving away like a distant fog. I once heard a woman on the london subway (the tube, for anyone not from London) and in the 5 minutes we sat next to each other as strangers I remember her saying to me just before she got off the tube that "Kink healed her trauma" as much as her comment always sat with me, I think I also felt that it was an avoidance of some sort. But there's only so much trauma work one can do, only so much inner reconciling. And now I think it's. a bit like staying in university so you don't have to go out and live life. 

Authenticity is letting whatever is wanting to flow through you be released, free from shame, free from judgment, safe to be yourself, exactly as you are. it is really challenging in this opinionated judgmental world, with its double standards and a thousand voices that are all chiming at once so you can't hear your own.

I have new desires, away from the current community i find myself in. I want bigger hair, I am also asking myself, toying with the idea of bigger boobs, I want money, I want some luxury. I'm exploring the idea of findom, financial domination, I'm wondering about being a sex phone mistress, I just want to explore whatever I want without limitation. I'm also exploring starting a business with another woman, teaching women to tap into their turned on energy in order to create a more exciting life. and then once i had money, I might record an album, sing on stage, so much to do, and only today to start. Only fear getting in the way.

I'm craving for summer to get here. To get naked. To feel warm. I know that the sun melts all my worries away....

I want you to reach out to me, email me, message me here on Patreon, show up for my lives and talk with me, let's explore this transformation together, free from shame, exploring the naughty side of life, where excitement is the leader. I want your ideas, your possibilities, where could I take this experiment......

No more good girl.