44.

44.

Anna looked down at her keyboard, shocked that it was filthy and needed a clean. The recurring theme in Anna's life presently revolved around raising her game. What are my standards? She knew she wanted Daniel. She wanted her man to be all the things she dreamed of and here he was, radiant, hot, smartly dressed, fit, intelligent, business savvy, wealthy, he really had his shit together in every area, except emotionally. She was not sure he had done "the work". The deep inner work, the spiritual path, the Hero’s journey, the Shamanic path, and if he were to do that now that he had all the other areas in order, he would be hot as ****. 

Was Anna hot as ****? 

She wondered. She knew her body was hot. Well to some, she could have more tattoos or bigger boobs or longer legs, but to Daniel her body was tops. She could not believe it when the other day he had said

“Maybe my friend could be your boyfriend”

WHAT? Anna had thought and said. That guy? The one with the untight chin, the belly that needed a workout?

“He’s a real man” Daniel remarked

Cave man, Anna thought. What on Earth do you think I have in common with him? What on Earth makes you think I am so desperate for a boyfriend I will accept anyone that is available? Anna was shocked. Being shocked and offended is kind of a regular occurrence for Anna, who perceives herself one way and is shocked to discover that people perceive her another. Do I sound that desperate, she thought?

Hence why the subject of standards was starting to arise. Anna was starting to question if she was in fact lazy. She didn’t want to be unkind to herself. She knew she had had a hard life, she knew she was fully traumatised from life’s experiences, but suddenly under the spotlight of Daniel’s eyes she really had to question if she was living up to the standards she had set for herself as a child before all of the bullying happened, before all of the wounds. 

Absolutely not, Anna admitted. As a child aged 11 Anna would have got up early, stretched, done foot exercises, made sure her homework was ready, ate a healthy breakfast, she would not have smoked, drank coffee, lay in bed self pleasuring, got behind on her vlogs, spent countless hours watching tarot on YouTube in the same way people read romance novels, looking out for a sign that Daniel would march on in with a marriage proposal. 

He did march on in one day, with a beautiful gift, a bracelet that had touched Anna tremendously.

“You got me a bracelet, so I got you one” he said

Anna had so many questions. Does that mean he was thinking of me today? Did he actually go into a shop and pick something out for me? So even though he was busy, he found the time to think of me? Anna was surprised and ecstatic. It meant he was thinking of her. Later that evening, on her balcony, he dropped the bombshell that he had invited another woman to Mexico.

“She’s American, lives in Holland, she’s a musician. Maybe we’ll have a threesome”

Anna was discombobulated. Had he given her the bracelet as a way of breaking the news that their romantic trip to Mexico just the two of them was now a group thing, with some girl and his best firned and anyone else that wanted to join. How could he be so thoughtless, just to throw that in like it wasn't a big deal? She knew she gave off an easy breezy jazzy line where Daniel was concerned. He had no clue of what she did behind the scenes to process all of the wounds she received from him, or the flood of emotions that she needed to process. Like a cat taking to its bed, she would unwind all of the upsets of the day and process them for as long as they took to go away. Sometimes it took a day, sometimes as long as two weeks, and the time it took her four and a half days to process her last upset from Daniel, he had gone out of his mind by the fifth day and was inviting him to his villa for a pool party.

What a night!

One of the best nights of my life! thought Anna

Not that it was plain sailing mind you. It was like something out of a Mexican telenovelas.Oh that night! It was just magic! When she thought back to it, she could feel the glow, the victory of that night. She had played her cards just right, for once. She had been so angry with Daniel she had kept away for four and a half days. No words to give him, she processed everything she was feeling inside in any way she could; EFT, meditation, singing full volume to Janis Joplin “Take Another Piece of my Heart” in the shop while there were no customers. 

She had listened to endless Tarot readers with their karmic messages for her, the DF and her DM (Divine Masculine/Divine Feminine) She genuinely believed that Daniel was her twin flame.

Daniel had written on the Monday, the day after they parted to ask if everything was OK. She had nothing to say. By Thursday he wrote again. This time on Whatsapp not messenger. Same message. Everything ok? Still, she had nothing to say. By the end of the day something had shifted. She had softened. She felt love and compassion fill her heart again. Of course this man didn’t want a relationship!  He had been in a marriage for almost twenty years, at least ten of those unhappy. Of course the idea of a relationship scared the living bejeebers out of him!

A wave of compassion swept over Anna and she felt love again. She still didn’t have anything to say, but she didn’t want to be rude. The next day she accidentally recorded a blank voice note. Oh no! I would hate to receive that. It looks almost passive aggressive. It’s like she was saying, here is some white noise.

She knew she would have to text something

“Taking some time for myself

Thinking about my life

U ok?”

It was true. It was about as true as she could share. There was so much else she was omitting but it was honest and the best she could do.

Daniel replied a long message, reminding her of the music work that she needed to do, that it was her mission to share her message to the world. That he was very good and thanked God for it. See you Anna, he had said.

See you? That sounds final, Anna thought. Not, see you soon or I want to see you. Just, see you.It sounded almost dreamy, movie like, which to be fair was very Daniel. And Anna too. Both big dreamers, both wanted life to look (in Daniel’s case) and feel (in Anna’s case) like a movie. The time they had taken a ferry from opposite ports at exactly the same moment could not be dismissed as co-incidence, it was fate, it was Divine! They had run up to their prospective decks on the top floors of their boats in the dark and flashed their mobile phone lights so that they could be together as they passed. It was wildly romantic and made them both smile from ear to ear. Anna could have danced home all the way from Mgarr to Xlendi without a care in the world!

The trouble was, her dance with Daniel jumped from ecstasy to tragedy in the blink of an eye, she never knew what to expect, which was what she loved about Daniel, the excitement, the surprises, the drama, it was always like being in a Netflix series. Yet when the surprises weren’t good, she crashed so low it took her days to recover. She accepted the lows in return for the highs, and this time her hard work behind the scenes processing her negative emotions paid off.

Anna didn’t have anything to reply. He replied, he gave her advice, he was in positive spirits, he was good and he had said see you.What more was there to say?

That night she knew he had a gig at his venue and she felt herself itching to go. She wanted to rock up looking a million dollars, say hello and then rock off. She knew it was childish, but her childlike sense of fun was sneaking back in and she wanted to do a Sandy in the leather tight pants from Grease move on his ass. She had been working all day and when she went to the mirror to check the damage, she could see that the carefully applied mascara from the morning was now resting under her eyes. She searched the shop bathroom for any form of makeup remover. The shops around her were all closed. She had been dressing up in the best dresses the shop had to offer, contemplating purple or red. Red! Her friend texted, it’s got that wow factor. Anna had even bought heels just in case. But the mascara under the eyes was the dealbreaker. She wanted to rock up impossibly attractive, not with imperfections. Daniel is a perfectionist, he notices everything. I don’t want to take the risk of being rejected, the stakes are way too high. She also had no one to go with and that made her nervous. What if he’s working and too busy to spend time with me? There I am looking almost impossibly beautiful, dressed up to the nines, by myself. No way! Anna determined. I am not going to risk looking like a groupie or a loser. Must not look desperate!

Holy **** did it take all the strength Anna could muster to stay away. As she took the bus and Malta was slipping out of sight as she approached the ferry and saw the twinkling lights in the distant Qawra goading her. Look what you’re missing! He could be with someone else! You could be having fun!

She boarded the ferry, staying true to her wishes. I want to rock up the next time I see him looking impossibly beautiful, and nothing else will do...