16.

16.

I  awoke very abruptly after an extremely intense dream. In this dream there was a man. Strong, muscular, blond, somewhere between gladiator and shaman. His energy was very pure, very direct. There was no confusion, no flirtation, he was very clear why he was here; to deliver me a message. 

He asked me to pick a card. I looked down at the cards before me, ready to make my choice, when he held a card up before me. There was very much this feeling that he already knew what I needed, there was no messing about, no time to be wasted. The card read “reclamation”

I found myself in front of a mirror on the wall, with him standing behind me. 

He looked at me through the mirror, asking me what I wanted. This word reclamation seemed to be about claiming what I want. In the dream I wanted to cuddle with a friend of mine, but there was this girl there and she had a prickly energy, and I didn’t dare ask for what I wanted. It was such a simple request, and yet there was such resistance to voicing my request. His responses were so fast that he barely waited for me to reply. He wanted me to think fast, to not delay. I couldn’t even say the name of this person I wanted to cuddle. I gave another name. It was as close as I could get to the truth. I was afraid of speaking my truth. It felt unsettling. It felt that there would be consequences for expressing my desires.

With a jolt, I awoke. I had fallen asleep on the couch with Marvin. He was all stretched out and purry. I gave him a stroke and then relocated to my bedroom. The dream jolted me. It’s the only word I can think to describe how it made me feel; alert, awoke. There was a calm sense of urgency about this dream.

Many years ago I was collaborating with an American actress and an Irish filmmaker, to create a short film which ended up, incidentally becoming officially selected in three film festivals. The actress and I were outside having a cigarette, when she said something that has stuck with me for years.  

“ You don’t ask for what you want. You hint at it.”

Aimee has a way of delivering messages so they really land. She’s from Los Angeles, and the best way to describe her energy would probably be L.A. producer. Cut to the chase, no nonsense observations.

I felt surprised that she recognised this in me. Up until that moment, I didn’t know it of myself.

Since Iboga, I have to say that my Disney projections, developed from endless re-watchings of romantic and Disney-esque movies in childhood, have almost disappeared.

I’ve recently started seeing a man. It’s a fun story of how we met, but one that will never be reminiscently recounted amongst friends over a dinner table. He is engaged to another woman. He hasn’t seen her for some time as they live in different countries. This is not to excuse our affair, but simply to state the fact that his physical distance from his partner may have something to do with us meeting.

He is the neighbour of a good friend who I visit very frequently. The first time we met, we simply passed each other in our cars. Even though we could barely see each other through the glass, even in just that physical passing, I could feel some energy between us. Whenever I saw him, he was always smiling. He had this very “I love my life” energy about him. It felt infectious and I also feel this way too.

Life after all is exciting. 

The next time we met, outside his house, I could feel the attraction between us, and I felt his attraction towards me, despite my shaved head! 

“I’m Susannah” I said. “People call me Suze”

I’m David, he said. “People call me Dave” 

(Dave is not his real name. I’m making one up to protect his privacy)

And that was that. 

It was written that we would meet, it was written that we would get together, and we did.

The next time I saw him was at a little bar that was open during Covid. Police had chalked lines on the concrete ‘seats’ which read ‘sit here’ and ‘don’t sit here’! Designed to keep everyone at a 2metre distance!!! No one paid attention, and no one enforced it.

The day before I had been dancing away by my friends pool, lost in my own world, I had thought I caught someone watching but I wasn’t sure. At the bar that night, Dave told me he had seen me and had been mesmerised. It felt like he was telling his truth rather than flirting, but when he left he told me to come over any time, and I noticed that he only said it to me. I felt a hint of-game on. 

I didn’t feel confident enough to go over. I hoped he would pop round to my friend's house, but he didn’t. Until one day I noticed, my desire to see him overruled any other preference. I decided to go look for him whilst venturing out for a pizza. He was where I thought he would be, at the bar. I drove past, and tried to hint my intentions, but I didn’t feel his invitation to join him, so I just managed to tell him I was going to pick up pizza. What kind of hint that is supposed to be is anybody's guess, but it was the best I could do to try and express to him my excitement at seeing him again and my desire to see more of him. This is where it gets fun, because he was also excited to see me too as it turns out. He later confessed that he was about to leave, and as soon as he left he was trying to work out where I would be buying pizza from! Every little white car he saw driving past, he checked to see if it were mine. I confessed that I was doing the exact same thing. In fact I had no reason to be in that area of Gozo. I was purely there with the desire of bumping into him, and I did. 

How funny to think of two people desiring one another, driving around in circles hoping to bump into one another, both not knowing any other way to tell the other of their desires, but both coming up with exactly the same plan to casually bump into each other whilst making it look like a random accident.

Of course we met; on the hill. It made absolutely no sense now that I was going back down the hill again! But this detail seemed to be overlooked, it didn’t matter, what we had wanted had manifested.

“I’ve got my pizza. Fancy a glass of wine at yours?”

I said, boldly initiating and inviting myself over.

Sure, I’ll see you up there. I turned around and very sweetly he waited for me to catch up to him up the hill.

Game on. 

I certainly didn’t plan to sleep with him, certainly not so fast and certainly not that day. When I came down from the bathroom at his place, he met me at the bottom of the stairs and looming over me from his great height, he lent in to kiss me. I was surprised and impressed that he cut through the charade and went straight to the chase. This is why we were here, this is what we wanted. 

I may never be able to recount that sweet story of two people driving round Gozo on the off chance of bumping into each other, at a dinner table with mutual friends, but it will be one of those fond but private memories hidden away for me to reflect on. A memory that will make me smile. One that may even give me the confidence to trust that if it happened once it could happen again, and that it could also happen with someone who is not engaged to be married. A reminder of life’s good surprises. No matter how quickly they end.