CPTSD

Dear Patrons,

I planned to Vlog tonight, but I am exhausted and I need to take some pressure off myself.

Yesterday was a good day, I went to Kundalini yoga in the evening. If you haven't experienced it before, it's a powerful yoga, where you repeats movements (kriyas) for 3 minutes each, it produces heat in the body and allows the body to work on different areas like the kidneys, liver etc. It's freezing here and Gozo is not equipped for winter, so any kind of heat is welcome!

After yoga I headed to a friend to pick up my new phone. New to me at least, he had it for a few months and was getting the screen fixed and selling it on to me. But this is Gozo and everything takes time. Opening a bank account as a foreigner think 6-12 months. I'm serious. So, it's no different wanting a mechanic to fix your car or getting your phone fixed. Island style is tomorrow, tomorrow....it's a miracle that post even gets here! So, I got to my friend, and the phone wasn't ready. He was holding an ecstatic dance night and so I caught the end of it and managed to dance in front of the fire and warm up. After this we had soup, and I ended up staying the night after a few hours dancing to Beat Saber on Virtual Reality. 

The next morning three of us woke up and did some wim hof breathing together and then headed to town to chase up the phone. It wasn't happening again, so my friend offered to swap phones with me until it got fixed so that I can make my Vlogs from my phone. We get back to mine and he starts the swap over whilst I get online and get on with some work. And then without warning my whole Whatsapp history gets swiped. Gone forever. This whole new age "let it go" thing was the last thing I wanted to hear. Yes, I have to let it go! I have no choice! But I was still mad and frustrated, and felt completely rushed and completely let down by my friend. I ran a bath. I was so cold I couldn't bare it any longer. I am literally wearing my coat inside my house! 

I left the bath running too long and it went cold. So frustrated, I decided to retreat to bed, the only one place where I can get warm with an electric blanket. Sometimes when stress triggers a CPTSD flashback the only way to set the reset button, is to just sleep. When I woke up it was 7pm. I was so mad. Today for the first time I did not feel exhausted and so my plan was to devote my whole day to Patreon and to my writing homework for the book writing course I'm about to begin. And because losing all my whatsapp history upset me so much, 2 friends of mine that died, all their last messages gone, and just nothing i can do it about it, it completely through my day off. it wasn't just the data lost, it was that my friend was being so blasé about what it means to me. That was the bit that hurt. This lack of care, and his impatience, because in order not to lose my whatsapp history it would take a little time which he didn't have the patience for and didn't check in with me before making changes. 

I'm also coming to terms with moving out of my house. I'm letting go of a man I fell for. It feels like I'm having to let go of everything all at once and before I'm ready.

So I've worked for 3 hours and now I'm going to go to bed because emotionally I feel battered. I feel exhausted from having to provide for myself, feeling like life is a machine sometimes, and sleep is the only place where I can get away from it.

The Authenticity Challenge is a challenge to accept all sides of myself in public. I still don't accept people seeing me in these lows. It makes me feel annoyed when life disrupts my plans, and I feel like the best thing to do is to retreat and keep away from the world. But not you dear patrons, I shall look forward to Vlogging with you tomorrow, and I hope a better day is on its way. 

Goodnight