This is Suze

I put myself in a box

Added 2019-08-26 14:53:17 +0000 UTC

I have had a really profound revelation for me. Mostly thanks to a conversation with one of my Patrons over Skype. He said to me "you've made a trap for yourself". We were talking about NSFW content, we were talking about how if you make something your sole income then it can stop being the creative spontaneous expression it started out to be.

I've totally fallen into the trap.

AND it feels totally freeing, to call myself on it. To unravel this trap that I made, and find my way back. To be authentic we first have to know what it in-authentic. And if we start to veer towards the inauthentic path, then our internal compass will start beeping, quietly at first and then louder and louder until it's like an alarm that you cannot simply snooze. The discomfort becomes an ever present presence, that starts to consume your thoughts days and night.

I am finding my way back, through transparency, ownership of this niggling voice inside, and to make peace with the shame I feel for falling into a trap of my own making.