The real me, the real you

This last week has been a challenging one. Symptoms of CPTSD have been rising, and for any of my followers that have known me long enough, you'll know that this is something that I have to live with whether i like it or not. This last week, I would say I like it, not. So much shame has arisen from having this trauma keep arising from new situations, that seems outside of my control. ObviousLy there are tools to deal with it and handle it in the best way i can, but this week has been hard. It's embarrassing when old traumas come up. I don't like to be seen in a way in which I am not handling things well, or not coping. That is really challenging for me. 

But here, on Patreon, with my trusted Patrons is where i share the truth of every situation. I share the highs, the lows, the in betweens. I share my fears and insecurities, good and bad news. I am realising as I do this with you that I also need to find people in my day to day life where I can share these realities with too.

Yesterday, my friend, visiting from Italy, asked me to go to the bar in all my authenticity. To leave the house wearing exactly what I was wearing in the house, to no add makeup, to not check my appearance in the mirror. Just to be me as i am without any interference or effort to "improve" myself. it was hard! "REALLY?" I asked "Like this? Just like this? With glasses on and everything?"

"Everything!" she said "you are beautiful just as you are!"

I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe that any man could accept me  without any alteration. i can't even believe that someone would accept me if i forget to check my writing and forget to make a capital "I". I accepted her challenge. And i went to the bar in daggy pants (trousers) glasses, baggy jumpers, no makeup, and I felt free. I told a few close people who know me and care for me, that I have CPTSD, and have had a bad week and want people to know, that there's something going on with me, that people can't see. It's literally invisible. The challenge to be accepted as we are is the true story of authenticity. 

Sometimes we aren't even aware how much we hide. 

We don't realise how much we are scared to be seen for the real "us", to share who we are inside, with all our fear and vulnerabilities. It is tough. And especially when we fall in love or have expectations, when the stakes are high. 

Where do you find it hardest to be authentic?

Do you even know when you aren't?

As always, I would love to know. i love hearing from my patrons. 

You can leave your words here, or in a private message, whatever feels authentic to you.

Suze :-)