Crackshot (Hi Res)

So would you please stand by--
Are we out of time?
Maybe I'll feel better;
Give me forty-five.
Staring at the ceiling,
Choking back my feelings.
Can't be one hundred if you're only giving ninety-five.

Melancholy kaleidoscope--it's high time
you shake things up and get the picture in your head right.
Melancholy kaleidoscope--it's alright.
Can't be one hundred if you're only giving ninety-five

(We now return to our regularly scheduled program.)

---

Pfffff. Yup. I think I mucked this one up in the end.

The normal version feels strong, but I just can't get the full version to work how I want. The hands don't, can't match what's in the head. Maybe that's fitting. I'm not sure.

This started as a study that turned into a vent piece, even though I didn't actually want it to be originally. But the past month of AI art talk and general doom-and-gloom have really gotten to me, and I'm feeling like I'm cracking but trying to hide the faults. I'm still keeping myself above water, but there are waves and I don't have any water wings.

So yeah, I guess this became a piece about depression. About faking it. About wanting to appear cool and collected when most of my frustration, my fear, my worry is aimed right back at myself. 

I like doing art. I wish I were better at it and faster at it. I haven't streamed again in a few weeks. I'm too nervous to, to pre-occupied about how lacking I am compared to almost everyone else, and am keenly aware of my age floating over my head adding pressure to the situation. And I don't really have a back-up plan for if things go wrong. I am just going through most days trying my best, hoping the check engine light doesn't come on. "Maybe I -should- have gotten the accounting degree," is a frequent thought.

Bluh. I know the weather isn't helping. It's getting colder. Days are getting shorter. My commission list is still dumb long. I'm scraping by. And what little benefit I may get from federal means or whatever is going to be fought by assholes. I am just hoping I can keep my head above the water.

Sorry I'm so slow. I know it doesn't reflect well on the Patreon, even though I also know it's a tip jar. You guys deserve better. This is just how I'm feeling at the moment, some of what's on my mind, and I don't know where else to put some of it beyond an art piece that didn't go quite right, with a skillset that feels lacking, and a text box.

If you read this far, thank you. Not just for your time, but your continued support. I want to do better for you all. Sorry it's taking me time to do that. Love you all.