February Happenings

Hi there. It's been a bit! Wanted to fill some people in on what's been going on with me after the Wilgeon piece.

Quite frankly, I'll just jump right into it -- I burnt out. Depression flared up at the same time. Became scared of streaming again after watching friends getting spammed by bots or bothered by trolls. Lost confidence in a lot of what I'm doing. So, I burrowed inwards a bit. A lot of my time in February hasn't always been the most productive. But I wanted to share a bit of the noodling and doodling that's been going on.

Kabbu! From Bug Fables, a PC game that you guys should absolutely play if you are fans of the original Paper Mario or Thousand Year Door, its sequel. Builds upon and improves design aspects of those games beautifully, and has so much charm to it. Kabbu was my favorite of the three protagonists, the sort-of level-headed, shakily confident and somewhat quiet rainbow beetle. I started off with this after a week of just burying myself in some games to try to unwind, only to start feeling a biting sense of guilt at not producing something. So, I figured, why not play around in Painter!

I began this using the Thick Paint settings in Painter, only to later decide I would continue using only that on this piece. Unfortunately, while I like where it's at, I sort of lost steam in it as I started nitpicking and fussing over small things, and getting annoyed at myself that they weren't coming together how I pictured them internally. I like some of what's going on here, so I haven't scrapped it, but I have a pin in it for now.

I've also been coping with some D&D. Storytelling and dungeon crawling with friends has kind of been the only thing that motivates me to get out of bed a lot in the later half of this month. Well, that and knowing Goolashe, my husband, could probably use some coffee for work...! I joined a second campaign playing Descent Into Avernus, a pre-written campaign from level 1 to 13 that involves Baldur's Gate, the first plane of hell, and acts as a prequel to the upcoming Baldur's Gate 3.

I wanted to do something a bit oddball, while also filling a hole I saw in the party. So, I made an Aarakocra Paladin! Yes, he can't fly because his suit of armor weighs him down. Yes, he doesn't have access to his claw attacks either because of it. But hey... Bird paladin! I may mix some Bard levels into him down the line, but he's strictly divine for right now. He also fills some gaps in skills I noticed others aren't proficient in, or tools that may be needed, as well as a sort of moral middle point for the party in trying to do good and leading the charge while not being overly "no fun allowed" (the kobolds can graverob, you know, as a treat, as I'm more worried about the Dead Three cult worshipping some nasty gods, for example).

It's been difficult, getting out of my comfort zone to roleplay or, for Kleeck here as he's known, to lead in some instances. I still clam up a lot or freeze on the spot, not knowing how to say something smoothly, and stumbling over my words. But it's been a lot of fun. I just get incredibly sad afterwards, and it also sort of highlights how absolutely shitty this pandemic has been.

I miss streaming, a bit. I am still driven a bit shaky thinking about doing it, but I know I need to again. I think I've just been scared of appearing like a fool or a fraud, or that my work isn't yet good enough or fast enough to be worth streaming. So I figured I might try streaming a game first to ease back in, and Outer Wilds has been on my to-do list for months.

Things have also been rough here. I've messed up a lot in the past month. I've helped ruin things that I was only trying to fix. I've made people spend more money than they mean to, adding more stress onto their plates, or in some instances, wasting it entirely as I can't make balanced, good decisions. I've awkwardly tried to put myself in social situations, to very mixed results ranging from "oh hey this is fine" to "Uhh. Who are you, again?" I've been a mess.

And this sort of ties into it. I mean, part of it IS just a WIP of an image to announce a game stream from time to time... But it's also a bit more than that. I've been feeling adrift in this pandemic for a while, and even feeling like I have no control, I'm still watching things I love, things I've grown used to, things I've trusted fall apart around me, no less internally than externally. And I'm terrified I'm going to end up caught in it all myself, or imploding from the sheer amount going on.

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There are some other doodles that I didn't get far with. Another bodybuilding pinup pose for the husband's character, for example. A running vein through these that isn't apparent in the images themselves though is that... Gosh, I hate how my linework drawings look. I'm definitely embarrassed by my construction lines, my linework quality, and my speed overall.

For March, I'd really like to try to fix that. I want to relearn how to do gestures, how to construct skeletons and distribute weight and muscle. It's been on my mind a lot and as I keep working, I feel more and more like I'm sort of losing that skill. I've been putting a lot of stock into painting that might not be paying off the most efficiently. So... For the month of March, I want to try to share things in that vein, from gestures and construction all the way to long studies and master copies.

I hope this finds you guys well. It's been... A hell of a year. I can't believe it's going to be March tomorrow... A year of hiding away in homes, missing movie theatres, amusement parks, gatherings with friends, restaurants... Even grocery stores. Even -grocery stores- have become something I would enjoy because it got me out of the house with my husband and it was just some fun time going up and down the aisles, talking, joking around, etc.. And yet, here we are, March 2021, Covid New Game Plus -- keep the stats, but start a year over. Ugh.

Please stay safe out there. Still no getting sick. Not allowed. Please keep wearing masks, please keep washing your hands. No getting sick. I learned of an artist today related to some other artists I followed who sadly passed away... Today's been rough. I don't want to keep hearing about this, and I know many others don't either, but until we're all vaccinated, please... Stay home, stay safe out there. I will try to have more to show in March, even if it's only study.