"Date Everything!" - Jean Loo's Raps

For those who haven't heard yet, I was one of the staff writers on "Date Everything!", that new visual novel that's taking Twitch by storm where you romance a bunch of humanized pieces of furniture around your home. I'm a freak, so I wrote a branching musical for my chair character Chairemi and over 40 minutes of rap battles for Jean-Loo the toilet.

I talk more about my time on the project in the Chairemi post. This one is just for Jean Loo, because he was an absolute monster to write.

I was randomly assigned the toilet and had zero interest in him until I saw his design and that he was a weird french rapper, at which point I suddenly had seven thousand ideas for the toilet.

These are most of my demos for both Jean Loo's raps that I submitted along with his script. To romance Jean Loo you must beat him in three rapping mini games: The first is basic rhyming. The second is basic couplets. The third is a full-fledged rap battle with branching options depending on the player's stats.

It's very hard to organize these raps into a singular file including all the fail states (many of which have raps), so I've mostly just included the "successful" choices here.

TIMESTAMPS:

0:00 - Meeting Jean Loo
0:52 - Player leaves
1:10 - Intro - Crap Battle 1
1:16 - Intro - Crap Battle 2
1:42 - Crap Battle 2 (Call and Response)
2:30 - THE FINAL BOSS RAP BATTLE
9:06 - Returning after the Rap Battle (Hate, Friend, and Love endings)
9:44 - Extra Failstates I like

I will... Do my best to convert the original text to lyrics. For this 10 minute stretch. Yikes.

You might just want to use crtl+f to find the one you're looking for.

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LYRICS:

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--- INTRODUCTION ---

Little Crapper the rapper he knows how to go
Plumbing and drumming are both about flow
You block his pipes he'll be ending your life
When he slams your head into the bowl!
Oh! On a (toilet) roll!
Jean Loo Pissior, out of control!
Over? Under?
Never blunder!
Spittin' more words than an an ancient scroll.

---

You come to hear his beats, eh?
Or maybe you ate a pizz-a?
D'jou come to take a seat
So you can deposit the foods you eat, eh?

---

"To know me"?
"To know me"?!
This human thinks that they own me!
There's always one thing on my mind
And always one thing only!
I'm a rapper!
The best you've seen
A shining dream in por-ce-leen!

---

I'm like a bidet only spitting the truth.
Going down quicker than gin and vermouth.
They call me a pottymouth
Letting the naughty out
But that's the way to appeal to the youth.

---

The ladies, gentlemen, and those between
Will be hanging off your arm in a limousine
Provided you can preen
If you can caterwaul
But without rapping you will not be dating at all!

--- PLAYER BACKS OUT ---

Sometimes the Crapper's too lyrical.
Sometimes his words are mysteri-cal.
Frankly it's sort of a mircale that
His listeners aren't left weary, y'all

Some need a restroom with whistles and bells.
Faucet and sink in the shape of a shell.
Can't understand all the words that he spells.
Figures the sheep would return to their cells.

...Though some of them say that it's just 'cause he smells.

--- CRAP BATTLE 1 INTRO ---

When pairing these couplets, there's only one catch:
The final two phonemes, they both have to match!

--- CRAP BATTLE 2 INTRO ---

The smoothest rhyme isn't really smooth
If the rapper don't know how it's used.

--- GOOD AND BAD EXAMPLES ---

My NAME'S Lee-uh CRAP-per
I LIKE to CRAP!
The WORDS come OUT of my YAP!

My name's Lil' Crapper, the master of rap.
Hopin' to pull out potential untapped.
Liftin' you out of the deathtrap
Up by your bootstraps
Better rhyme? Choose that

Notice the assonance that I am choosing
The vowels of words in a row I am using.
internal rhyme every time, I am cruising
You're trippin' like Beverly when she is boozin'.

--- CRAP BATTLE 2, CORRECT RESPONSES ONLY ---

[JLP]
Walk into the bathroom, early mornin'
Everything is fine, then without warnin'
Suddenly you're ass-up over feet...

[PLAYER]
Turns out I forgot to lift the seat!

[JLP]
Now you're late for your date after cleaning up
And you make it out the door, but you're feelin' rough
Then you look, and you're shook, and you just explode...

[PLAYER]
You turn around to find that your car's been towed!

---

[JLP]
You want words that ASSONATE.
Want words that RESONATE.
Want to ALLITERATE.
Or you're ILLITERATE!

---

La mer, la mer
Comment j'aime la mer
Others claim the same but they don't really care.
Hopped up in their yacht
Their morals elastic...

[PLAYER]
Dredging her depths with their mastheads of plastic!

[JLP]
Her water's my blood
Her pipes are my bones
Connected to the ocean when your bullshit gets thrown
Every barge-full of garbage
Makes me an anarchist.

[PLAYER]
This shit won't be done 'til the one who's in charge is!

==== FINAL CRAP BATTLE ====

[JLP]
Little Crapper, he taught you 'cause he is the best
But his professing's over, now here comes his test!
There's only one lesson that's left for this fool!
It's time Jean Loo taught you the meaning of "schooled"!

[PLAYER, basic response]
You think you're the best, that's why you're here alone?
White knight up on high on his porcelain throne?
Think you're too hot to touch? Man, you think that you're boilin'?
The truth is that no one will hang with a toilet!

[JLP, basic response]
Oh! So slick!
You cut him to the quick.
It's possible his solutide is just 'cause he's a dick.
But, zut alors! You're so poor at even basic chores!
You're not allowed to throw hands
When you don't even wash yours!

(or)

[PLAYER, fast response]
Oh! Is that it?
Oh! All you got?
You keep on talkin' big, man
Shit or get off the pot!
I been sittin' here for a million years
And your basic rhymes got me bored to tears
You act like you're too cool for school?
No one hangs with you 'cause you're frickin' weird!

[JLP, fast response]
Whoa! Okay!
Whoa! Alright!
I try to take it easy but you itching for a fight?
When you came to me it was plain to see
That you barely understand
What can you expect from a human wreck
That doesn't wash their hands?

---

[PLAYER, poise response]

Poor Jean Loo, eh? What's he gonna do?
He thinks he got me cornered but it's just not true.
If he were observant he'd see that I'm itchin'
To get away from him. I use the sink in the kitchen!

(or)

[PLAYER, empathy response]

He thinks that I'm dirty
He's gettin' so wordy
But he's just projectin', this poor little birdy.
He's feelin' stagnation
From his lonely station!
Ooh, so much frustration!
If they could only see.
Try a decoration. Try some pot pourri
Because "Being from France"
Is not a personality!

(or)

[PLAYER, sass response - this is probably the best chunk in the whole route imo]
So I don't wash my hands
That's 'cause you're not worth it
You're lower on the totem
Than the worms in the earth is
Lower than the dirt is
Smaller than a germ is
Ask anyone else
I assure they'll confirm it.

---

[JLP]

All this bravado
These brash words you're hashing
These teeth you are gnashing
It's trash, you're just thrashing!
Your ass ain't a match for this porcelain seat.
Come face your defeat.
I say "c'es la vie."
You're like a bull in a china shop
Tryin'a stop me.

[PLAYER, poise response]
Not a bull, but I am an an-i-mal
Ain't a set 'a rhymes that I can't handle.
Without care, I am the hare
And bitch, you just a turtle
You set these rhymes an inch high
And try to call 'em hurdles?
I run 'round you in circles!
I set the pace
I win the race
I leave you in the dirt! Oh!

(or)

[PLAYER, smarts response]

Big words from the man who's a bowl himself!
You're lucky you ain't china, you'd get left on the shelf!
Overzealous, you jealous this bull's a better breed
Man, you gettin' smoked more than a bowl that's fulla weed

(or)

[PLAYER, charm response]

What a lovely chorus
How'd you know that I'm a Taurus?
The thing about us bulls
We're good at recognizing red
(I bet you kinda like it when my ass is on your head)
(And when I start to spread)

[JLP]
Huh?!

[PLAYER]
Ooh, he starts to blush!
Ooh, he's got a crush!
You try to hide the fluster
That you got from what you just heard
The flushing's just too obvious
It doesn't cut the mustard
Too much! Too much!
Oh, did I say too much~?
You act like you invincible
Yet shudder at my touch!

---

[JLP]

You act like an ace
But that card ain't worth much
Even four of them aces
Can't beat a straight flush!
Your meter? It's whack!
Your rhymes? Obtuse!
I'm dropping a beat
While you're dropping a deuce!

[PLAYER, empathy response]
Like the French word for bird
Got rhymes out the oiseau
I'm better than you
Better than Jean Loo
Oh, he knows that it's true
I'm performin' a coup
De grâce
It's a faux pas to think
He has a shot
He's sure to surrender
When he sees what I got
He'll have to agree
I outshine him like chrome
When he's gone he'll say
"Oui oui oui" all ze way home!

(or)

[PLAYER, smarts response]
He thinks he so clever, then I turn this lever
In only a moment, the overflow's severed
You ain't off the chain, bro. When I turn his handle
That chain always breaks like a cheap tabloid scandal!
"I'm dapper!" "A rapper!"
Calm down, whippersnapper
He flushes forever 'til I fix his flapper
He whines, wasting water
I'm runnin, he todders
When I face the Crapper?
My God, it's a slaughter

---

[JLP, final rap]

Fightin' like a betta but you're only an omega
A fish inside a net, you're only' gettin wetter
Smaller than a zetta
No chance for your vendetta
The letters in my bars are simply alpha-better

AB, AB, maybe a C
'Cause you can't beat me
And soon you'll see

I hit you with a triplet, then I go and triple-it
If your rap is slow, then bro, I'm gonna cripple it
Home run on ev-er-y throw, you're always wiffin' it
I'm rollin' in the dough, you're only wishin' it

Every single, every album, always printin' cash
Faster than you wipe a dingle from your ass
Upturn the cistern, I got a secret stash
Measure the treasure here that I've amassed
How you think I fund all of those famous capers?
I got more rolls of hundos than toilet papers!
More TP than a Cherokee!
Eventually, they always mention me!
All the honeys see my money wanna marry me
But this funny dunny doesn't pay alimony
Slinging words like Lemony Snicket
If I see a litter you know I get the pick of it
Group against the shitter? You know I'm gonna picket it
Got a pair of titters? I'm always in the thick of 'em!
Haters think I'm shitty? Guess what, bitch? I'm sick of 'em!

[PLAYER, smarts]

You're fast at both rap and securing your loss
An ass who grows on me more slowly than moss
Or a lichen, although all your lines are like lightnin'
This shit's ahistorical man, it's just frightnin'!
The likening hurts! This blabbin'? the worst!
He can't tell a tent from a cabin or yurt?
Like a tree you will see that the mighty can fall
'Cause the Cherokee never used tepees at all!

(or)

[PLAYER, empathy]

Oho! He's a demon
Ooh! He's an oni
Wants you to forget he's one-trick pony!
Wearin' a crown
Spittin' nouns
Like a clown
The undisputed king
Of this two-horse town

Trapped inside of this water closet-ed
That a hominid
Deposited him—in!
Now he spends all his time vomitin'
Up all these promises
Fillin' up his li—id!

He tells himself he's gotta be the best
Pass the test
Cause soon, someone will come for him
And in the meanwhile
He's always mean. Why?
He rejects the others here that come and try to comfort him.
Some advice from an angel I find to be true:
"Give up on the world and the world ends with you."

(or)

[PLAYER, empathy or charm]

Yeah man, you got money
You got the skill and fame
But who cares that you kill at a one-player game?
These people you slander,
You say they can't handle
Your ironclad standards?
I'll hand you, Jean Loo, you've got talent to spare
But you never to share it, so why would we care?
I think that deep down in the depths of your mind
You know that there's one thing you just cannot find
Someone who can blend
With your rhymes and your beats
Someone you call friend
Maybe it can be me?

(or)

[PLAYER, sass response]

Oh! Urine-a whole lot of trouble, man!
Burst your bubble, man
Here's my master plan:
Bash this disaster, kick the can!
The can, the can
The can can't kick it
If there is a landing he will never stick it
This dunny is a dunce, the John don't know what's goin' on
Don't know that he's face-to-face with a phenomenon
Impossible to read, I'm like the Necronomicon
The million ways that Jean's been beat? I could go on and on!
Ooh! This latrine's been treated!
The cess pool tried to mess, now he's defeated
This sorry lavatory can't take another hit
You can tell he's experienced at eating shit

--- Hate ending ---

If you can't understand Jean Loo's rhythm and rhyme
Then he shouldn't have bothered or given his time!

--- Friend ending ---

[JLP]
Hey, hey, hey, hey
It's my protégée
Seein' the pro today?
What have you got to say?

[PLAYER]
While I respect the man,
Yo, I respect the wordsmith
I'm here for the toilet's
Intended purpose

--- Love ending ---

[JLP]
It's my partner in crime, my confidant
Little Crapper, he wonders what they could want?

[PLAYER]
Yo, enough of that prattle, I'm here for a battle!
I'll beat you so hard that your bowl's gonna rattle!

[JLP]
A rattle and binky are just what you'll need
A bottle to pop in your jaws of defeat!
I think maybe, this bébé, they should've abstained
Now open wide, child, 'cause here comes the pain!

--- PLAYER FAILS THE SMARTS CHECK IN THE BULL VERSE ---

[PLAYER]
Yeah I'm like a bull! An un-flap-a-bull!
My scientific name is especially cool!
They call me Bos Taurus, 'cause I'm the boss of us!
Uh...
Vulcanization is a process in... rubbus.
Rubber. Is what I mean.
Um...

[JLP]
Sounds like you got a beef but you sure ain't cookin' it
The burger heard "well-done", but it sure ain't lookin' it
You want a grade of "passa-bull"?
I'd say that is improba-bull!
Impossi-bull! Unstoppa-bull!
You're on a bun, I'm on a roll.

--- PLAYER FAILS THE POISE CHECK IN THE BULL VERSE ---

[JLP]
Lil' Crapper the rapper's an expert on asses
Sat on by the masses
He knows which one passes
The debonair derrieres
They sit on him without a care
Thick enough skin that an insult won't scare-em.
Thought you could bare-'em!
Jean Loo, it seems his insults, damn how they must hurt
Considering your ass I didn't think you'd get butthurt.

There are more, but it's impossible to format all of them. Hope you enjoyed! Which rap is your favorite?