Why'd you pick up???

Now look, contrary to what you might hear in the media, or read from those smartest-guys-in-the-room sports journalists, I don't consider myself to be an arrogant guy. You know, we were coming off of another big win, and it doesn't matter who scored the winning goal really, we're a team after all. I don't like to call myself a hero or stuff like that. Other people can say it if they want.

All I'm saying is, I was feeling pretty good, I felt like I'd put the work in that day and all I wanted to do was head back to the hotel, relax, maybe have a drink, and spend some time with a travel-ready smokin' hot, city-bred, hunked out rat god, is that asking too much? And things were mostly going in the right direction, we were hanging on the couch, clothes were off, and I wanted to do...something. Hadn't made up my mind what yet, but I was feeling inspired, crawling up under his leg, kinda just...scooching myself in there, right up between his thighs, not altogether sure where I was going with it but I knew I wanted to be in that general...area, that locale. He was like, the fuck are you doing? And I'm like hey, you've never complained before when my face was in this proximity to...parts of you, so just let me cook, eh?

So I'm getting in there, I'm getting ready for whatever, and I'm looking at him, I'm giving him my...well, I don't wanna say sexy face, but I dunno, I think it's pretty good. Then the music hits. It's Lorenzo's phone, interrupting the silence, threatening to delay my good time. He grabs it, looks at it.

"Whoever it is, tell 'em to fuck off," I said, figuring he'd be in the same boat, given where my head was and everything.

Instead, he goes "...Shit," and HITS THE BUTTON ARE YOU SERIOUS.

Puts the phone to his ear, and I here him say, "Hey ma."

Fucking. Hell.

So I'm laying there, basically using his other leg as a pillow, figuring he'll shoo her off the phone in short order and instead he just...keeps going. He's not saying much, like a lot of "uh huh...right...." And I'm steamed, I mean I'm so over it already, and I look up at him like, what the fuck, dude? "Why'd you even pick up?" I mouthed at him.

He just looks back at me with this expression like, what do you want me to do? Then he goes back to talking.

"Uh huh...yeah ma, she sounds like a real bitch, for real. Don't nobody need that many cantaloupes...."

So I lay there for another minute. Life essence slipping away. Finally I look back at him and I just whisper, you know, angry-whisper, "Can't you just hang up on her?"

You should've seen the look he gave me. Like mellow out dude, I was just joking. Kinda. Well anyway, he covers the phone, leans down and goes, "Yo, you ain't a real rat, so I'll let that pass on ignorance. Nobody hangs up on Big Mama."

Like...rude??? I'm not out here trying to claim to be something I'm not, I didn't choose the term 'kangaroo rat,' and I know we're basically seen as like...enhanced mice. I'd like to think we're a step up from a regular mouse, no offense. But he doesn't have to act like I'm a fake rat, either, like it's some kind of appropriation. I'm just saying...do me! I shouldn't have to ask, you're the one getting the good end of it, here!

But he wasn't even looking at me anymore, he went right back to it. "Yeah, for real, don't even shop there no more if they wanna be like that about it, go to...Sunglow or Daggott's or some shit."

So what choice did I have, I just had to wait it out. But I'll tell you one thing, if I were on that phone, I'd give that lady a piece of my mind and then some. Not that I had to because 'Zo was on the phone and I mean, I don't want to be rude I guess but if I ever meet her in person, I'm gonna lay down the law. But I mean, why would that ever happen to be honest, I'm so busy with the team and everything.

But I'll have Lorenzo pass the message, you'd better believe that.