Act Natural - Ch. 5 (3k words)

Chapter 5: Improvisational Theater

GROVER?

I never stressed out about exams these days. In fact, I’d already had my final exams for all my other subjects, and I hadn’t worried about them at all. I didn’t even bother revising for Marketing 202. I showed up to my Finance 211 exam fifteen minutes late. They were just dumb college tests, after all. Sure, my parents would be mad at me if I beefed it and had to retake a bunch of classes, but it wasn’t worth getting worked up over. 

But the night before the play, I couldn’t sleep. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about Maude. Gorgeous, confusing, imaginary Maude. Maude’s green eyes. Maude’s curly auburn hair. Maude’s cute little freckles. 

Maude’s soft lips. 

It wasn’t just that she was pretty, okay? And it wasn’t just that she was a really good kisser. If I was just kissing Thomas Macaday in a dress, I would’ve puked, I swear. But Maude was more than that. The same way Thomas’s features somehow transformed when he put on that dress, his personality changed too. Maude was like a different person, or at least like a different side that Thomas usually kept hidden. She was smart, full of knowledge and infectious passion for her craft, but she wasn’t condescending at all. No, she was patient and supportive, and so sweet and gentle with me when I got overwhelmed. And she was funny, too, in her own sly, clever way that I never got to see before we started spending so much time together. The more lessons I spent with Maude, the more I could feel myself falling for her. It was so hard to remember that she wasn’t real, when she seemed so full of life, so much more than Thomas ever was.

And then she introduced me to Serena, and that had been its own kind of freaky. 

But Maude had helped me through it. She was so good at that, so sweet and smart and thoughtful. And the way she blushed when I teased her, god, it sure didn’t help me fight down that crush. But she had shown me that it was okay, that I didn’t need to overthink things, that I could just slip into Serena and feel happy and beautiful and complete, even if it was just for a couple of hours. Just until the play was over. 

The play would be over tomorrow. Opening night was also closing night – the college theater was in high demand, and the faculty were not eager to grant more than one night to another of Professor Lennox’s experimental productions. I would have one more chance to be Serena, and then I would take my participation grade and say goodbye to her and Maude forever. 

Maybe there would’ve been a chance to continue. I could’ve claimed that I had caught the acting bug, and I wanted to keep doing our private lessons, just so I could really, really hone my character work. But I had blown it. I screwed it all up, by going too far and kissing her. Cause, yeah, those first few kisses I really was just trying to work on my acting. But after a few? I was just kissing her because I wanted to kiss her. Really, really bad. And I knew that was wrong, but…

What did it mean that Maude forgot her line? She had the whole play memorised, every character, every stage direction, every word of dialogue. She had never slipped up when running a scene. Not until that kiss. 

Did she like it?

Did she like me?

And if she did… what did that mean?

At some point in the early morning I must have finally fallen asleep, because when I woke up it was the afternoon, and I had to hurry to get to the theater by call time. It was the end of semester, with Christmas break right around the corner, and snowflakes were beginning to fall as I rushed across campus. I didn’t know what I was going to say when I saw Maude, but I would figure it out when I got there. 

Maude wasn’t in the boys’ dressing room when I got there. In fact, nobody was. Somehow I was the first one to show up. I groaned. When had this happened to me? When did I slip back into being an overachiever? Well, whatever. I used my time wisely, getting dressed in my costume which had evolved to be much more extensive than just the red velvet dress, now including heels and accessories and even, y’know, more intimate things, and taking my time to style my makeup and wig to perfection. The other guys slowly trickled into the dressing room, responding to my efforts with wisecracks and wolf whistles. I wasn’t the only one in a dress, but I was definitely putting in a lot more effort than the rest of them. I cracked a few jokes back at them, but my heart wasn't in it. I was waiting for someone. 

“Doors open in five minutes, thespians!” Professor Lennox called from outside, “This work of art has left my weary hands and is now yours to imbue with the gift of life! I look forward to seeing your Frenkensteinian creation strut its first steps upon the stage!” 

What? That couldn’t be right. The show was about to start, and the most dedicated actor in the cast wasn’t even here? Something must have gone wrong. 

I left the dressing room in a panic and almost collided with Ruby Oyama. For a moment I didn’t recognise her. Her curvy figure was shrouded in stout men’s clothing, her hair was back in a low ponytail, and she had used makeup to thicken out her eyebrows and give herself a hint of manly stubble. Of course. She was playing Duncan, after all. 

“Oh my god, Grover?” she gasped, “You look incredible! Wow, I knew your acting had come a long way, but I wasn’t expecting all this. Talk about going the extra mile.”

“Ruby,” I said, “I need to ask you something.”

She grinned, “Oh, absolutely. You definitely earned it. And, spoiler alert, I think you’re gonna like my answer.”

I was too stressed out to even try and put together what she was talking about. 

“Do you know where Maude is?” I asked. 

She looked confused, “What? You mean Thomas?”

I nodded frantically, “Thomas, sure, whatever. He wasn’t in the dressing room. Do you know if something happened to him?”

“Oh,” Ruby frowned, “He said he wasn’t really feeling well. I think Professor Lennox brought in one of the seniors to cover his role.”

“What?” I gasped, “No! She needs to be here, Ruby! We’ve been working so hard on this!” 

“Whoa, okay, okay!” she said, “Geez, I didn’t realise this play was such a big deal to you, Grover.”

“Serena,” I said distractedly, “And it wasn’t. But it’s a big deal to Maude. She shouldn’t have to miss it just cause I screwed up.”

Ruby gave me a curious look. I was aware how panicked and crazy I must’ve seemed, but I just couldn’t let my last chance to see Maude slip away like this. 

“I’ll call Thomas,” Ruby said firmly, “You’re right, this isn’t like him. I’ll make sure he gets his butt over to the theater in time for his scene.”

“Thanks, Ruby,” I said. I turned to go back to the dressing room. I needed to fix my makeup.

“Wait,” Ruby said. I turned back. “Was there anything else you wanted to ask?”

“Oh. Um,” I wracked my brain. During our last class, Ruby had mentioned she had another commercial audition coming up, it must’ve happened by now. “How did the audition go?”

Ruby laughed ruefully, “They said they’d let me know. Break a leg, Grover.”

The play began and despite my distraction, I did the best job I possibly could. I tried to use all the lessons Maude had taught me, letting my given circumstances inform the way I reacted to the other characters' emotions, imbuing my performance with the voice and movement I had practiced for so long. Even if Maude didn't make it, I owed it to her, and to myself, to do Serena justice. 

It was working. I could dimly hear the oohs and ahs from the audience Professor Lennox had brought in (although maybe they were just glad it wasn't another two hours of trees). When Ruby and I were in a scene together, the tension crackled. I tried to stay professional, but she must've been able to see the question burning in my eyes. She caught my arm when we were both backstage.

“She’ll be here,” she said, and before I could ask if she’d just said what I thought she said, she had to rush onstage again for the next scene. 

I thought it would calm me, but it only made the butterflies in my stomach flutter harder. The thought of losing Maude forever had thrown me into a panic, but the thought of actually having to tell her how I felt was even scarier. What would I say? How could I communicate my crazy, mixed up emotions in a way that even made sense?

I was worrying about this right up until the confession scene, when Ruby as Duncan delivered the line that prompted my monologue. I took a deep breath, preparing to deliver my speech, with its complicated layers of affection and manipulation hiding a deep inner sadness, and then as I turned to Ruby, I saw someone standing in the wings. 

It was Maude, in her simple black dress, her pale arms hugging herself anxiously, her dazzling green eyes fixed on my own. 

All my preparation went out of my head. 

MAUDE

I couldn't be Thomas anymore. 

I realised it that night, as soon as I left the rehearsal room. I just couldn't do it, couldn't take another day of feeling awkward and ugly and unlovable. I had spent my whole life trying to disappear into different characters, trying to lose myself so I could feel comfortable just for a few precious moments. And that was how I had always felt as Maude. Not just pretty and confident, but at home in my own skin in a way I desperately craved.

It was still just a character, obviously. At least, that's what I had told myself. Actually becoming a girl in real life was more complicated, and would require doctors and paperwork and intense scrutiny I was sure I couldn't handle. So I tried not to think about it, tried to make sure the word “transgender” never lingered in my thoughts for too long. 

But that kiss tipped me over the edge. 

Serena was just acting, of course she was, but it had felt real. For a moment I had felt safe, and happy, and loved. And I knew that Thomas would never get to feel that way. That was what finally broke down the walls I didn't realise I had built up. I couldn't keep living like this, when something so much better was right there in front of me. So, fine. Forget Thomas. I was going to do it. I was going to stop hiding and face reality and darn well go ahead and transition.

In a little bit.

I needed time to gather my thoughts first, to really and truly grapple with the implications of what this decision meant. I emailed Professor Lennox and told her I was too sick to perform tomorrow, which she believed, because no way would Thomas Macaday willingly give up a chance to perform. I texted Ruby, too. Nobody else in the class cared about the play, so I didn't bother with them. 

Then I just moped in bed, thinking about myself, and my gender, and what my life was going to be like now. Would I still be able to act? Probably, although my chances of going professional had surely decreased. But it sounded a lot more appealing to be an amateur actress than a professional (male) actor. I smiled to myself. Maybe I could teach. I had enjoyed teaching Serena. 

Oh.

That was something else weighing heavy on me. My crush on Serena was worse than ever. But it was pointless, wasn't it? The chances that Grover Lee was a mixed up trans girl like me were so small, and the chances that they could ever actually have feelings for me were even smaller. My face burned with shame. Missing the play was definitely the right idea, even if it still stung. 

That was the plan right up until five minutes before curtains, when I got a call from Ruby.

“Thomas?” she said, “You gotta get to the theater, okay? We need our Maude.”

“I can't make it, Ruby,” I said, “I'm just… I'm not up to it.”

“You don't sound sick.”

“I'm not, I just… I can't do it. I'm sorry.”

“Come on,” she said, “At least tell me what's going on.”

I huffed, “I just figured out I'm transgender, okay? It's a lot to deal with.”

“Oh,” she went quiet, “Ohhhh. Okay, that makes sense. Um. Well. Good for you, girl.”

I blushed, “Thanks.”

“But I still think you should come, okay?” she said softly, “You worked too hard to miss out on opening night. And the guy Lennox got to replace you is, like, super high.”

“I don't know…”

“And Grover… or, um, Serena? She’s freaking out,” she said. 

My heart sank. I couldn't leave them stranded. 

“So are you coming?” I could hear the hopeful smile in her voice, “The show must go on, right?”

I sighed and sat up in my little nest of blankets.

“The show must go on,” I agreed. 

“Yay!” Ruby squealed, “Okay congrats on the transgender thing my scene at the fishmarket just started gotta go bye!”

Thankfully, my one scene wasn't until the very end of the play, so I had time to shower, get myself dressed, rush to the theater and get myself dressed again, this time as Maude. I smiled as I examined myself in the mirror. Whatever happened with… with my former acting student, I knew that this, at least, was the right decision. 

I waited until I heard the slamming door at the start of the big confession scene, and made my way to the wings so I would be ready when the scene ended. From my position, hidden in the darkness just offstage, nobody in the audience could see me. But I could see them, rows of college students and retirees (you could always count on random old people to attend a college production) watching the stage, their forms indistinct and vague beyond the dazzle of the stage lights. On the stage there was Ruby, looking convincingly strapping, her natural star power shining through even when playing a surly fisherman. Just beyond Ruby was Serena, looking more beautiful than ever, glowing under the limelight. She whirled around, parting her glossy lips to deliver her searing monologue, and then she locked eyes with me and froze. 

Oh no. She was disgusted by me, I could tell, even if her face was too still, too shocked to actually read what was happening in her head. I just knew it. I prayed that she would just ignore me, that I hadn’t thrown her off too much, that she would turn back to Duncan and continue with the scene. Her performance was so good, after all, with its twisted levels of emotion and self-deception. But seeing me had distracted her, and if it came out flat and stilted it was all my fault. 

“You have hurt me,” Serena said. Her voice was quiet, full of simmering pain, but somehow it still rang out clearly throughout the whole theater. 

She was still looking right at me. 

“In the months since we met I have felt like a ship tossed upon a storm, although the gale comes not from without but from within,” she said, and I could see the turmoil in her eyes, “You have roused such feelings in me, and I do not know that I will ever find calm again.” 

My knees trembled. In all the times she had performed this speech, she had never delivered it quite like this. All the layers she had built up in rehearsal were gone, and I realised, to my shock, that this wasn’t a performance. Serena was saying her lines, but she was speaking from the heart.

Speaking to me. 

“And yet I find I cannot regret it,” she said, her voice swelling with emotion, “I do not know what will happen when my life of comfort meets your brilliant uncertainty. Perhaps we shall clash, like the mighty waves where two oceans touch. But I know that I love you. That is enough.”

My heart sang. Serena wasn’t disgusted. She wanted me, as much as I wanted her. I didn’t know what was going on in her head, or if she would stay Serena after the play was over, but I realised that right now I didn’t care. 

Professor Lennox wanted the real me? Well, she was about to see her. 

I rushed onstage, brushing past a stunned Ruby. I threw my arms around Serena and kissed her. Deeply. Desperately. Using tongue, which was a total no-go for stage kisses. But from the way she melted into me, Serena didn't seem to mind. 

I heard loud gasps from the crowd, but not for long, because they were drowned out by the quiet, happy gasp I heard from Serena as our lips parted. It was only for a second, though, and then Serena kissed me back, pulling me tightly against her, crushing my skirt and petticoat against my stockinged legs. It was overwhelming, the closeness of her body, the rush of kissing another girl in front of a crowd, and most of all the fiery, burning heat of Serena's lips against my own. 

When we finally separated, the theater was eerily quiet. My stomach dropped. I had just ruined the play, the play we had been working so hard on for months. Oops. Serena squeezed my hand gently and winked at me, and I realised I didn't regret it at all. 

“I’d like nothing more than to be your wife,” she said, and I blushed redder than I had ever blushed before. She giggled.  

“Bravo!” Professor Lennox cried from the audience. We turned, and saw her leap to her feet in the front row, applauding wildly. “Bravo! Brava! Bravissima! T’is an inspired piece of improvisation if ever one I have seen!”

A few people in the audience clapped along with her, not sure if they understood the sudden gay plot twist. Then again, Professor Lennox was known for her experimental theater. The applause spread, rising to a crescendo, and Ruby stepped forwards and took our hands.

“Take a bow, ladies,” she whispered, “I don't think we’re topping that.”

We bowed, to more applause, and then the rest of our classmates came out and bowed too. The play ended there, disrupted, messy, and somehow the most wonderful show of my life.

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Author's Note: Thanks again to Rooibos Chai for suggesting the climax (Serena's confession performance and Maude ruining the show! She is so damn smart. Go join her Patreon if ya rich. There's a whole bunch of Teenage Dirtbag chapters that aren't on Scribble Hub.

One short little epilogue to go and that's all for this story. Although who knows? Maybe we'll see more of Maude and Serena in the future....