Lesbian Dream Detective (800 words)

"Sometimes," said Mr Dennis, "God speaks to us through dreams."

It was 2006, and I was pretty sure I was a lesbian.

I had figured it out after a really intense dream of my own. At first, I wasn’t sure what the dream meant, but then I googled "why do I want to kiss Shego from Kim Possible", and the first result said I was probably gay.

I wanted to research more, but my dad had needed the computer. So I came up with another plan: find another lesbian and ask for advice.

My first opportunity was at girls’ bible study. There were ten other girls in the group, and I had heard that one in every ten people was gay, so that meant one of them was a lesbian too. I drew up a table in the margin of my teen study Bible:

I ruled out everyone with a boyfriend. Lesbians didn't have boyfriends. That was the whole point.

I marked off both Lee sisters as well. They were identical twins, so if one of them was a lesbian, the other one must be too. But that would throw off the maths, so it couldn't be them.

Out of the five girls left, Beth Ledecky seemed like the best bet. She was 17, which was 3 or 4 years older than everyone else, and she clearly didn't respect Mr Dennis at all. Plus, she wore a lot of black, and she smoked, and Rukmini Singh said that Beth was friends with her big sister Samrudhi, and one time she walked past Samrudhi's room and Beth and Samrudhi were in there making out.

Beth was sitting right next to Mr Dennis, very pointedly texting instead of paying attention.

"Beth, please put your phone away," said Mr Dennis.

Beth made to pass her phone to Mr Dennis, but at the last second she snapped it shut, almost slamming his fingers inside.

Mr Dennis sighed, "Well. Anyway. God told Mary in a dream that she was pregnant with baby Jesus. And God can tell us things through our dreams, too."

I raised my hand, "Mr Dennis, maybe we should talk about our dreams, and you could help us understand them?"

"Great idea, Laura," he said, "Why don’t you start?"

"Um," I hadn't expected that, "I... dreamed that I was lost, and a man dressed in white came and found me."

"Hmm," Mr Dennis frowned.

"And he had a beard," I added quickly, "And he was nailed to a cross."

"Ah," Mr Dennis nodded, "Sounds like God telling you Jesus is the way."

"That’s awesome," I said, "Gemma, how about you?"

"I dreamed my boyfriend dumped me," said Gemma McDonald.

"Which is weird," she continued, "Because I've never had a boyfriend."

"Which is my greatest regret in life," she finished.

"I dreamt that a black goat was before me," Michelle Chen announced, "And he told me to rise up over all the nations of Earth."

I rolled my eyes. Michelle’s new year’s resolution had been to convince Mr Dennis that she was the Antichrist. It was almost June and she hadn't broken character once.

"Cool dream, Michelle," said Beth.

Michelle turned to her.

"You will be his trusted lieutenant," she intoned.

I considered Michelle Chen for a bit. Her dad was from China, and I wasn't sure it was possible to be gay and Chinese. Then again, there were a billion people in China. That meant 100 million lesbians.

I got that queasy feeling in my tummy that told me I might be being racist.

"I dreamed I met Seth from The O.C.," said Sarah Finch, "And, um..."

She blushed and trailed off.

"And then you had to go to the bathroom," said Sabrina Chapman, "With your electric toothbrush."

Everyone laughed at that, including me, even though I didn't totally get it.

I sighed. That ruled out everyone except Abigail Dennis, and she was Mr Dennis’s daughter, so she probably hadn’t even heard of lesbians. 

“I dreamed I got married to Laura Mitchell,” said Abigail.