ernaburn

Craving peace

Added 2023-03-18 14:48:56 +0000 UTC

I've been doing this for a long time. Modeling for 16 years, being a "creator" for 7. Full-time independent artist for 3.

All around me I have watched others get excited by what they think is easy money, I watch them think they can become an overnight success. I watch them fight their way to come up in this world. Then some of them come into my sphere, and make requests to use me. Use my advice, my name, use my followers, my apartment, my body. "Friends" or "Creators," they call themselves.

I'm nice, I'm from the Midwest. I want to believe in the best in everyone, but I do not operate naively these days. No, not at all.

I have a very low tolerance for the adult content creator world. I get 10 DM's a day asking to collaborate with new people, and I guilt myself for not exploring that sometimes...I'm not making enough, not doing enough. But I don't trust them, because over and over I've watched them lie, manipulate, and instigate drama.

It makes me want to quit, to be honest. I've spent over a decade thoughtfully building an art career, one based on a tool with an expiry date - my body. I really want to know if after a few years lf that grind, they too will feel tired and crave peace.

I have a list of probably 10 people I've "fallen out" with, and each one makes my job harder. With each one I became vulnerable and let them in, and each time I get burned it makes it harder to want to do it again. I have lost money over principal. I've been gaslit. But I don't publicly out that list of names, no...I sit back quietly and watch them continue to use the hundreds of fans or valuable advice I handed them on a silver platter.

But shit keeps me up at night. I don't want any part of their world. It makes me want to quit. And I might, I'm considering going back to a "normal" job for my mental health. Maybe I'll be your next bank teller, or Walgreens cashier. I kind of just want to feel peaceful again.