just one photo & some thoughts

I talked a bit about this on Instagram this week, but I'm having a bit of an existential crisis. I think I've really been in denial about this ADHD diagnosis, and I need to write some things down.

I just started taking medication last fall, and then a national shortage hit. I thought I was fine without it, but I've been so stressed and anxious lately. I've been crying a lot, which I never do. I've been experiencing a lot of intense anxiety symptoms. So today I took one from my emergency stash, and immediately felt SO much calmer.

To think I've spent 30+ years dealing with anxiety that at least partially (if not largely) stems from this... I'm left feeling incredibly frustrated. As an adult I've spent so many years of my life and a lot of money seeking help for anxiety, and depression caused by the fallout of that anxiety. I've had five different therapist over the years (that I can remember) but it wasn't until one this year (ironically a former sex worker turned licensed therapist) connected me with a psychiatrist to get tested for ADHD, as she suspected my anxiety was being caused by this.

Even as children, a lot of the symptoms are less obvious in girls, and then of course also in women. The classic hyper active symptoms are associated with boys, while girls might internalize the chaos more. Women are also just better at masking, as we have to, for instance, go to work when our internal organs are bleeding twelve times a year and just pretend everything is fine. While being paid less, I might add.

I think part of the reason I've been in denial about this is because during quarantine we were all hit with so many advertisements for telehealth companies, and suddenly every single thing a human could possibly do was now a symptom of ADHD. I thought it was bullshit, I thought it was predatory marketing (a lot of is, which makes actual diagnosis even harder). Even the way people on social media talked about it, I was like - oh great so now everything is ADHD? That's just an excuse. Entire influencer careers were born out of non-medical, non-expertise "advice" on this topic. I still think those accounts - and getting your medical or psychiatric advice from social media, including from me - is dangerous, by the way.

I think it's important to note that there are so many "symptoms" of ADHD that could be a million other things. Like, simply the way phones and social media have altered our brains and habits. Or, busy life schedules and terrible world news causing anxiety and distraction - who ISN'T anxious these days? Which is why it's easy to connect almost any behavior to this, when it may not be related. Even professionals have a hard time discerning this, clearly.

I appear high functioning. Even in school, for the most part, I appeared high functioning because I had structure. A few years into being full-time self-employed has just made it all so much clearer.

Yet still after being diagnosed by a psychiatrist through testing, I didn't really believe it. Part of me wondered if I had just gotten away with something, a grand excuse.

Nobody really gave me any information about it the other than yes, this test says you definitely have Inattentive type. So I never connected so many different things before, like...as a kid being repeated told by my dad that I was lazy and manipulative. Being shamed for being "lazy" despite being a STELLAR student, albeit one who got in trouble often for being distracted and not paying attention to details.

Before this week I never connected - now as an adult - being motivated by that shame, and overcompensating in extreme ways to hide the fact that I am NOT a morning person, it takes SO much effort for me to be prompt, and using extreme caution to avoid past situations of losing things all the time (passport, keys, favorite hat, you name it). Always forgetting to return texts, starting a million projects and not finishing them. Really struggling with multi-step processing and logistical planning, like booking a vacation or trip. Making myself a meal that has more than one step (including getting groceries). Or trying to coordinate a busy day with multiple people asking me for different things. I'm smart - why are these things so hard for a smart person like me?

Because of the shame, I try so fucking hard to not do these things, without medication. And my efforts have resulted in an elaborate façade of executive function, never revealing what it took out of me to put on that performance.

A female friend pointed out to me that hyperactivity in women sometimes comes out in the form of hyperactive sexuality. Can we all just chuckle at that one for a moment...

There are so more things I could list here, but I'm also I've used the phrase "a million" way too many times in this writing already. I'm not making excuses, I'm making realizations. More than six months after being diagnosed, it is finally hitting me this week.

Do I think and function differently than most people? Obviously. But, nobody thinks and functions the same anyways. There really is no "vergent" to diverge from. I also wouldn't trade my brain for anyone else's in the world. But I really do hope that accepting this will lead me to accessing specific coping tools and treatments that I never knew about before.

Denial, anger, acceptance. I think I'm still resolving the anger, and that may take some time. Many of you reached out to me on other platforms expressing similar experiences, or just solidarity and kind words. So thank you, as always, for listening and caring.

PS - Please remember that anything you write on the internet may live forever, and offering your federally controlled substances is inadvisable. I'm going to be fine!