Last day

I've been processing a lot while I've been here.  Like what it means to be 34 and naked on the internet.  What's next?  Where's next?  When was the last time I had sex with love?

I think the reason that people have been drawn to my modeling work is not because I'm the prettiest or youngest or hottest.  But I feel like (beyond those who just simply love pale skin gingers) my biggest fans are interested in my turmoil haha.

I've been watching a lot of documentaries about artists, painters.  Many of them had pretty unhappy lives.  Whether it was poverty or substance abuse or troubled marriages and relationships, or just restlessness, it's so rare to find a happy artist.  I don't think good art necessarily NEEDS to come from pain...but why does it so often seem that way?

I've been in pain for a while.  Yes I am incredibly lucky and privileged, I don't ever forget that.  But it is a very bizarre position to be in, to be so physically vulnerable all the time, but without love.  Nakedness is vulnerability, p0rn is the most intense vulnerability. And I invited it in, I'm not naive - I literally asked for it.

Yet for all that, all those looking at my body or watching me literally have sex, I have no love.  I haven't experienced love for many years.  I know what it's like, I've felt it twice. Which makes me more acutely aware of its absence. I have met lovely people and made wonderful friends, I've had some very fun sexual experiences with great people.  But to constantly be VIEWED and seen, maybe even worshipped or doted on in a digital format...it does not translate to real, tangible love.

I am grateful for the living I've made from it, the opportunities and the friendships.  But money has never been what I'm after.  I've quit my professional design career twice to forfeit money for joy and freedom.  I've given up a salary and benefits to end up back on food stamps, for artistic and creative freedom.  I'm probably a fool, ha!

I am considering doing a project.  Call it performance art, if you will.

Hear me out.

What if I refuse to be photographed until my 35th birthday (6 months from now)?

No modeling, no shoots, no self portraits.  No selfies, no instagram stories, no candid photos with friends.  No viewing myself, no being viewed by others.  Just my art, drawings and paintings and writing, and perhaps glimpses of myself turning away just before I am seen.  

On my 35th birthday I would then release a raw self portrait, documenting the changes I have undergone after 6 months of being hidden.

Listen I know this is stupid (my original plan was 1 year lol).  Don't unsubscribe yet, it's just an idea I'm formulating.   Welcome to feedback and ideas!

Wow that was a lot, thank you for listening!  Back to the city now....