Donut Delinquent Pages 9-10
Added 2021-07-19 03:03:45 +0000 UTCFirst off, I encourage everyone to check Page 8 out again. I've made a couple edits, most importantly replacing the entire second panel. It was part of a subplot I felt overcomplicated the first chapter, so I dropped it. Hopefully these edits become less numerous now that I have some help on the story, I really don't wanna turn into George Lucas on ya'll lmao.
Now, onto the main course! ya'll get not just one, but two pages! I got page 9 done a few days ago, but I felt like I'd save and pair it with the next page, since the tone is a little heavier than usual.
Page 9:
-Hopefully I got the point across with this, I kinda struggled getting the dialogue to sound right. As I've said before, Leo's condition is fictional, but loosely based on things I've experienced. I'm sure it's obvious he comes off as a little self insert-y at times lmao, but I try and not make it too blatant.
-The bunny! It's been through a lot, and seen quite a bit of wear... but Leo still keeps it incredibly close.
Page 10:
Fat girl not made for hilly city...
-Fun fact: When I was first developing what eventually became Donut Delinquent, Kimi was going to be in the place of Lisbeth here, being Leo's long-time friend and the "intended" love interest before Hana comes into the picture.
Ultimately, I realized Lisbeth would be a better fit with a lot more potential, both with Leo and Hana.
She's uh, also a little cuter :p (though that's not to say I don't love Kimi!)
-Kinda debated going not full weeb with Lis calling Leo Senpai and all that, but I feel in the context it works. Leo is older than her, and should be a year ahead, but his illness got the better of him.
Finally, are you guys enjoying Donut Delinquent so far? I know we're only ten pages in, so the story itself can't really be judged, but how is the art and dialogue so far and all that? I'd love some feedback.
Enjoy!
Comments
The art and dialogue has been good so far because you can get a feel for what the setting will be and how it kinda plays out in the future. Like the small details of Leo still having the bunny, or Lisbeth nervousness when meeting with Leo. Pacing also seems to be good as it is just right with the story building and how everything will slowly build up it seems. So, I would say keep up the great work you have done so far!
Oim8
2021-07-19 14:19:55 +0000 UTCAs always, this is as sweet as the pastries that will fatten up a certain buck-toothed bunny. I like how the exposition’s worked into page 9. Could be his thoughts, could just be explaining things from his perspective as the ‘narrator’, most likely the latter but the important thing is that It doesn’t break immersion by making us think ‘why is he explaining this to himself?’ I think the lack of lines connecting the bubbles to him helps exponentially. And the bit he actually says aloud seems natural rather than forced. Page 10; Not as much to say here, but doesn’t mean it’s worse. Am particularly fond of how it displays Lisbeth’s nerves and general awkwardness around Leo while also showing his concern for her well-being despite his own health complications. Reckon your decision to replace Kimi was a good one, her comparatively level-headed demeanour probably wouldn’t have made for as interesting a group dynamic were she in Lisbeth’s position.
Scryer
2021-07-19 04:21:09 +0000 UTC
