Green Gamer Guys 4: Regularly Scheduled

More monstergirl world video game review podcast! I was sort of out of it today so writing some dumb dialogue and worldbuilding felt best. So I finished up an old piece of them having what's basically a normal Green Gamer Guys episode is like when they're not stumbling into (completely) sex-based talk.

Gruul, Xats and Skrat settled down at their table, headsets and microphones in place. The orc pulled up his notes, nodded to his incubus and goblin cohosts, and started to record.

Gruul: “Okay… we’ve got squiggly recording lines. We’re live.”

Skrat: “We exist once again.”

Xats: “I fucking hate existing. Turn it back off.

Gruul: “Wish we could.”

S: “Only for Xataeus? Can I get some of this sweet life button action?”

G: “Don’t tempt me. A few choice words and I can bring this podcast crashing down.”

S: “But why?”

X: “Cuz fire good.”

G: “Very insightful, Xats. Anyway, this is the Green Gamer Guys. We got Skrat, Xats and me, your Gruul here to talk to you about this week of video game content.”

X: “And there was a good amount this week.”

S: “Yea!”

G: “So we’re not resorting to stories about who fucked what for a change.”

X: “No promises.”

G: “So what’d you guys do since last time?”

X: “Well I fucked a lot of people…”

S: “HA!”

G: “Come on.”

X: “For food! God! You people act like I can’t eat through my penis sometimes!”

G: “You’ll absorb sunlight through your skin like the rest of us and like it, young man.”

S: “You will eat through your ass like a MAN, Xats!”

X: “Don’t fuckin’ pretend that’s not an option for me.”

S: “Have-”

G: “I already know too much about Xats’ life. Anything with video games, bro?”

X: “I put some more time into Killossus, that giant monster roguelike thing. Got my kaiju evolving nicely so I don’t have to reset every time the humans throw a nuke at me.”

S: “They grow up so fast.”

G: “I remember when I hit puberty too.”

S: “You became too powerful.”

G: “Mom and dad couldn’t threaten to get out the nuke anymore.”

X: “And I got a look at the new Super Fast-Dog movie trailer.”

S: “How was it?”

X: “Still boring dog shit.”

G: “Was it SUPER fast dog shit?”

X: “Nah just regular kind. I don’t know why everybody cares.”

G: “Cuz it’s Fast-Dog. Everybody grew up playing that shit.”

S: “And now the games suck but everyone remembers him because people online wanna fuck him.”

X: “Yea, but people wanna fuck everything. So what?”

G: “I mean YOU might wanna fuck everything…”

X: “Oh do not pin the internet’s entire perversion on me. I at least sleep with sentient living things.”

S: “The forums at Tablefuckers.com are gonna go bananas on us now.”

X: “Gonna pull their dicks and clits out of their bananawood tables and go ‘HEY! We heard that!”

S: *laughter*

G: “We ALSO care deeply about video game pop culture while we make sweet love to these tables!”

S: *laughter increases* “SWEET love?!”

X: “It’s romantic, Skrat. Shut up.”

S: “But they’re on Tablefuckers.com! They’re too degenerate for Tablelovemaking.com!”

G: “Have you…?”

X: “No, but I’m buying these domains right now.”

G: “No, I mean, do you think we’re partly responsible for the… depravity of the world? Like as the united race that we are. As walking talking people.”

S: “No.”

X: “Absolutely not.”

G: “But think about it! Couple centuries ago, my great granddad had to think ‘You can marry someone from this clan of like twenty-thirty people or you can strike out and hope you get lucky fighting for a wife in that other clan you may or may not find. Humans took forever to go ‘You know what? Maybe it’s okay to marry that other skin color after all.”

S: “So you think our horny power levels have expanded beyond galaxy brain levels.”

G: “Kind of. Like has variety of options encouraged people into being hornier? Now we have people telling you in Youtube videos and PSA’s and tv shows that ‘hey, man. It’s not only allowed for you to date another species, but we encourage it.”

X: “We will give you twenty dollars to go date this halfling.”

S: “SOLD!”

X: “There you have it. Skrat’s dick costs twenty bucks.”

G: “What a steal.”

S: “It’s more of a markup, really.”

G: “But all those lifetimes, we were living like ‘Wow. This vanilla stuff is pretty tasty. What the fuck do you mean there’s a rocky road?”

X: “What is the rocky road of pussy anyway?”

S: “It’s just regular pussy with marshmallows in it.”

G: “I’m getting hungry already and I do not feel guilty about it.”

X: “Gruul, as a man whose species is largely immortal, let me put it to you this way… I’m part of a special breed of my kind who EVOLVED to live off human depravity.”

G: “Go on.”

X: “The guys who got horny from sticking their dicks in guns or trees or the state or Oregon were around way before we showed up.”

G: “That’s fair. Alright.”

S: “I thought we weren’t talking about fucking this episode.”

G: “We’re talking about people who fuck. That’s different.”

X: “I mean if you’re talkin’ about one, you’re talkin’ about the other…”

G: “Skrat, what’d you do recently?”

S: “You know. Had lots of sex like a cool person.”

G: “No, but really.”

S: “That’s not very ‘yes and’ of you, Gruuls.”

G: “I’m willing to accept that as a label.”

S: “Well I finally got around to playing Bully.”

X: “Which Bully?”

S: “The newer one.”

G: “Gotcha. Not the one with the kids…”

S: “Nah, nah. Different game, different company. This was the actually cool one.”

X: “You can play as a shitty teen or you can play as Teddy Roosevelt shotgunning time traveling ghosts to save the future president. Why not be America’s most powerful president?”

S: “With way better graphics.”

G: “Was he shitty?”

X: “Scuse me?”

G: “Roosevelt. I assume he was shitty?”

S: “He was a president.”

G: “Asked and answered.”

X: “Not like our prime ministers! Wise and infallible pe- I can’t finish that without laughing.”

G: “We’re just more polite about it. So’s it good?”

S: “The good Bully? Yea, it’s just balls to the wall crazy and dumb and it knows it. Little outdated but not enough to stop you from liking it. Oh, and I went by Paladin Pizza.”

X: “So? It’s good shit.”

S: “Yea, but did you know they put in one of those sex dungeons around the corner from them?”

X: “Oof. I can’t eat sex and pizza on the same day. I’d just get fat.”

G: “Wait, you’re gonna have to specify, little man.”

S: “Hm?”

G: “We established that we live in pervy times.”

S: “At this perv of the century. Yes.”

G: “Are we talkin’ they tie you up and spank you leather dungeon? Some kinda place where you can get pizza waitresses that’ll suck your dick?”

X: “Oof. Feeling full just thinking about it.”

S: “No, this is not the Hentai Pizza Parlor anime. It’s one of those new things…”

G: “Ah.”

S: “Like they talked about them on the internet like a month ago. The roleplay puzzle room kinda dungeons where you play an adventurer and you go through hallways with traps and stuff with your fake weapons.”

X: “Ah yea.”

S: “And you meet monsters there that put up a bit of a fight but are mostly just DTF.”

X (bored voice): “Please, sir. Don’t kill me. I have so many boobs to offer you instead.”

G: “What if the guy’s a necro?”

X: “Well necromancy is pretty illegal, Gruuls.”

S: “Yea, get with the times Grandpa Gru.”

G: “I get it. So you fucked some hookers. Good job. Grats.”

S: “NO! I didn’t go in! I was just like ‘oh shit, they’re real.’ I’m not that guy who pays for sex…”

X: “Yet.”

S: “Please, Xats. I’m a podcaster. We’ve got supermodels throwing vaginas at us.”

G: “Literally. Those undead supermodels.”

S: “I’m just saying if I were to rent a sex worker, I don’t need a whole worldbuilding tutorial for us to fuck. Regular sex is fine.”

X: “So I’m told.”

G: “Well not much on my end. Took Miss Melee on a zoo date. Got some of my tattoos touched up. I keep hearing goblin tattoos last longer on orc skin, but they also do it with like, mild acids so I can’t imagine it feels great.”

S: “Greater than stabbing yourself repeatedly with tiny needles?”

G: “Well I’m not stabbing myself. I’m hiring a professional when I do it. Oh, and we watched some shows on Pictomancy. They got that old show Moonlighting picked up.”

X: “The werewolf one? When they had a real werewolf or the really old stuff?”

G: “Both. They did the one season with a regular human before the crew was comfortable hiring one on. Kind of vague soft reboot for season two.”

S: “So does it hold up?”

G: “Kind of? Like it’s fine, I wanna say…”

S: “You wanna, but…”

G: “Were we always this stupid?”

X: “Yes.”

G: “Like it’s the lamest copouts sometimes. Like the guy turns around for 2.3 seconds and comes back to see his wife gone, her clothes ripped to pieces, and a bigass wolfman there, and he’s like ‘Oh there’s my trusty family dog. I guess my wife ran out of the room just now.”

S: “Like an OLYMPIC sprinter!”

X: “While so excited she flexed her way out of her perfectly good clothes.”

S: “With her OLYMPIC muscles!”

G: “Like I don’t know why old tv shows had to make such big leaps and swings with its logic.”

S: “I don’t know if we were stupider back then, cuz I think my parents used to watch that… but I think we were just…”

G: “Naïve?”

S: “No…”

X: “We hadn’t seen shit back then. We barely knew monsters were a thing. They used to make movies that made people shit their ye olde pants because a train was coming at them on a fucking screen. It takes very little to entertain a person, Gruul.”

G: “Ever killed a half hour just twirling a pen around on your fingers and trying not to drop it?”

X: “There ya go.”

S: “Didn’t the actress they hired for that go crazy or something?”

G: “No, she uh… Melee mentioned this. She got all vocal about trueform junk and refused to transform when it wasn’t a full moon. Talking about what was natural and shit…”

S: “So crazy.”

X: “Yea pretty much.”

G: “She had like some pseudo-religious spin to it. I dunno. Like the opposite of those full-time werewolf people.”

X: “Your full-timers, your furbaits, your daywalkers, your woofer waifus. Whatever. Right.”

G: “But that’s me. So let’s move on to the news afterrr…”

S: “Oh boy.”

X: “Skrat, you hear that? That’s Gruul thinking. That means money.”

S: “He’s an economic genius, this Gruul fellah.”

G (off mic): “Not helping me find paper…”

X: “Some say his dick’s made of solid gold!”

S: “Very impractical! ‘Please don’t,’ doctors advised.”

X: “Screw ‘em all! I’m podcast rich!’ says bigshot Gruuly ‘The Ghoul of Wallstreet’ Hodginson.”

G: “I appreciate you forgetting my real last name. So this week, we are sponsored by Online Alchemist. Any of you boys use potions?”

X: “Depends. You’re not a cop, right?”

G: “I’ve been told I’m not.”

X: “Then hell yea.”

S: “Cops famously hate it when people drink fluids.”

G: “You ever go to a pharmacy or something and you’re squinting at labels trying to figure out which ones make you lose weight and which ones change your hair color?”

S: “Not an easy feat when you’re a three-footer, sir.”

G: “Well Online Alchemist cuts out the bullshit. With Oalchemist.com, you can search by effects, side effects, components, and all sorts of factors to find exactly the potion you need.”

X: “I actually have a true story about this. A friend of mine tried this place out cuz they wanted to refill their monthly allergy potion. They couldn’t remember the brand so they put in ‘allergy the blue one’ in their search engine. Got it in one.”

G: “Online Alchemist even offers do it yourself virtual brewing. Custom order potions by selecting ingredients and it shows you what that combination will do. There’s tutorial guides and live chatting experts available to help walk you through getting the results you want and cutting out the big name companies adding on their fees.”

S: “Now, Gruuls. I’m just a simple country goblin lawyer with a digestive tract like a black hole. I know not all potions work for my kind…”

G: “Easy. Just filter the options by your species and it’ll find what works for you.”

S: “I retract my statement and do a little dance instead.”

G: “And if you order from Online Alchemist with the code TRIPLEG, spelled out all one word and all caps, your first order comes with free shipping AND your choice of a free gift. A direct-connection transporter crystal for faster delivery OR a free bottle of Gender Fluid.”

X: “Ooh. That one.”

S: “That’s the one that gives you boobs?”

G: “Changes your gender. For about an hour or two.”

S: “Okay… gears turning.”

G: “So that’s Oalchemist.com with the code TRIPLEG for free shipping and a free gift. Treat yourself to a drink.”

X: “So is the ad over?”

G: “Yep.”

X: “Cool. Did you guys ever see a girl drink a titty potion…”

S: “Oh boy!”

G: “Hm…”

X: “And it just clearly went too far. But just a little bit? And you’re like ‘ah, take it back a notch.”

G: “I have not, but I HAVE just heard you admit to being a COWARD.”

S: “Yea! Boobs forever!”

G: “To infinity,’ Skrat says!”

X: “You guys are assholes.”

S: *chanting* “Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!”

G: “Alright alright. Onto the actual game news this week.”

S: “Xats hating tits is in the news?”

X: “Alright, that’s it…”

G: “Game producer Marcel Tordaux at Parallel Studios was found and arrested after confirming earlier reports of robbing his programming team of free will via mental charm magic.”

S: “Oof. Good for him.”

G: “Tordaux insisted that this was not forced upon the team, and that this was mutually agreed upon for the sake of finishing Armored Barrage 2 ahead of schedule.”

S: “Did he ever consider like… letting the game come out in September instead of breaking the human mind?”

X: “Or take the shortcut and don’t program in grass you can actually smell? Cuz I mean, I charm people all the time. But it’s with my good looks and stunning personality-”

S/G together: “Eh.”

X: “And I promise you, I would NEVER use it to make somebody program giant robot titty physics.”

G: “That was the weird part, wasn’t it?”

S: “Yea, cuz what am I gonna do with titties that humongous? Get out a pair of skis?”

X: “Oh so suddenly tits can be too big? Huh, Skrat!?”

G: “Yea, but now we’re talking about robots. Not people.”

S: “Yea, Xat. Don’t be stupid.”

G: “Back on topic though. I know some people are real defensive about when you should and shouldn’t use magic in creating your video game. But it’s done a lot for VR and I think it has its place.”

X: “Fair.”

G: “But as soon as you’re making a video game and you have to say to yourself or anybody else ‘You know… a mortal soul is-’ THERE. You stop right there!”

S: “When you’re not sure if you’re suggesting employee practices or making a supervillain monologue?”

X: “When you’re asking yourself ‘What would I tell the cops?’, maybe take a step or two back.”

S: “I mean the last question paid off for him in the end.”

G: “Anyways… may he rot.”

X: “Cheers to that.”

S: “Patooie, I say.”

G: “Next up… Subarctic Games has announced they are finally ready to reveal City of Blades at this year’s various major game events. The game’s been in development for over five years now with few details up until recently. It will be in the genre people have been calling ‘new fantasy,’ featuring nonexistent playable races such beastmen, fauns, gremlins, cait siths, bugbears and trolls. Bunch of classes and a lot of focus on urban exploration in a past environment. You guys all watched the teaser trailer?”

S: “Yea.”

X: “Uh huh. So… here’s my thought.”

S: “Just the one?”

X: “It’s the only one I’ve got, but it’s my favorite: who do they think they’re kidding?”

G: “Clearly no one. Go on.”

X: “Their gremlins are gonna be different goblins. Their trolls are gonna be orcs or ogres. They’re swapping some labels and colors and calling it a day I’m sure.”

G: “With six pages of lore each, I assume.”

S: “At this rate, if they made the gremlins act badass, I don’t care. Like they never even got goblins right in the old fantasy stuff. We were never stab-crazy monsters or greedy inventors. We were horny idiots in the swamp who would one day make a very successful podcast.”

G: “Was it Heinman who said, um…? ‘Everyone quit being actual monsters once we learned about toilet paper.”

X: “Yea! So then fuckin’ don’t bother! Your monsters are different than our monsters! By which I mean me! They’re still making Doom games and I’m not pissed off that they’re misrepresenting Hell.”

G: “It’s a bit of a relic, but I think they’re playing it safe. Ish. I’m at least glad they’re setting it in some kind of fantasy past at least. I’ve had enough adaptations of the modern stuff.”

S: “Like SWAT centaurs with their big, 200-pound dumptruck asses?”

G: “Let’s not get too hasty now. Just that we weren’t around, or at least we weren’t known or big enough to be noticed in medieval times or whatever. Seeing what that’d be like is kinda neat.”

X: “If Lincoln would’ve got out of the way if there was a succubus suckin’ his dick?”

S: “That’s…” *laughing

G: “Too… soon?”

X: “Aw, man! You know people were making Lincoln jokes a day after he went! You know it! The man sounds like he did some good shit, but he looks like a cartoon character!”

S: “Bold political statements from Xat!”

G: “Cold off the presses!”

S: “So in summary, fuck Subarctic games?”

X: “STILL fuck Subarctic.”

G: Here here. What else, what else…? New trailer out on Gothic Spice Witch is out.”

X: “Hells yea!”

G: “Any thoughts?”

X: “Looks great! Worth the wait!”

G: “Something that should be the mantra of more studios. Mithril Studios knows how to do it right.”

S: “I mean it looks great, but I cannot stop staring at that chick’s ass long enough to watch the gameplay.”

X: “OH!”

G: “Oh.”

S: “What?”

X: “Oh that!”

G: “That’s um… Skrat, that’s a man.”

X: *cackles away from the mic

S: “That’s… huh. Well fuck me, I guess.”

X, still away from the mic: “Oh he will!”

S: “I mean if we’re objectifying the guy this much, you’d think there’d be a bulge somewhere…”

G: “You want boner jiggle physics, Skrat?”

S: “Not the point I was making, but… you’d think, right?”

G: “They’ve got so much hair physics going on they don’t have time for that shit.”

X: “Okay but maybe… if we use our influence as very popular podcasters… we can get Skrat his floppy dong graphics.”

S: “Or just make him a girl sounds easier.”

G: “Y’know what’s even easier than reprogramming him to be a girl?”

X: “What’s that?”

G: “Get yourself a free dose of Gender Fluid from Online Alchemist! Sponsoring this week-!”

S: “Oh man! He’s stuck in shilling mode!”

X: “Just dunk some of that into your homey’s gamer fuel and let the fun begin!”

G: “Finally! The big titty gamer gf you always wanted in the form of your bro!”

S: “Oh god!”

X: “Give it to your shapeshifting dragon friend and leave them slightly confused for like five seconds! Let the alchemical prank wars begin!”

S: “Send help!”

G: “Alright, alright. Let’s get Skrat out of the commercial zone.”

S: “It’s so fucking cold in the commercial zone!”

G: “Lastly, Rosalyn Applebrush, game designer behind Cursed and Conditioned, the game that simulated being a vampire or werewolf, had left behind a data rune at her local Stackers location.”

X: “Haven’t we all?”

G: “It was decoded to find screens and basic information outlining I Can’t Believe I Got Stuck in Every Generic Anime Plot! It appears to be an upcoming title for the Fulse.”

S: “I still feel like that’s a weak name for a full magic simulator video game system.”

X: “What’s your bright idea for a name again?”

S: “Fake World.”

G: “Boom. It prints money.”

S: “Slogan: real world can suck it.”

G: “Almost pays for the fines you’d get for putting up ads with ‘suck it’ on them.”

X: “But yea, it looks like it’s giving people what they wanted while being tongue in cheek about it. Bunch of big titty anime waifus with little twists here and there.”

G: “You know there’s gotta be a twist in there though.”

X: “What? You think this is Ros’ evil plan to trap us in her machine?”

S: “You mean it turns out apes were our masters?”

G: “No, because it’s the lady who made like… Empathy: The Game. The game that was about feeling bad because everyone feels bad sometimes. Do you think she’s jumping from that indy artsy shit to big booba goes boing?”

X: “I mean… I would.”

S: “Same.”

G: “Buncha sellouts. Well looking at the game data, the leaks report that there are damage counters on the party members. There are two trackers, and one of them relates directly to the size of their chests. The popular theory about the ones digging deep into this…”

X: “Is big tits are statistically superior?”

G: “They think that your party members can inflict damage on you. Intentionally or not. When you get glomped by a giant pair of cowgirl tits or barbarian mommy? Or if you piss them off?”

S: “Ah! Booba bad!?”

G: “That’s the idea. I’m telling you, there’s a twist in this somewhere. A little lesson for creeps like you two.”

X: “Gruul, if touching my waifu’s butt costs me 10 hit points, I’m never going to beat that game. And you know what? I don’t care.”

S: “Daaaamn, girl. You do HOW much damage with dat ass!?”

G: “Once again… I look at my replica katana, consider seppuku to atone for my friend’s joke, and whisper… ‘Not today.”

X: “Yea, Gruul. Edit the episode and then sudoku yourself.”

S: “I had a bowl of sudoku in Little Worldtree last night.”

G: “Well that’s all the news and patience I have for today. You folks stay safe out there.”

X: “Don’t die of ass damage out there.”

S: “Or do. It’s totally worth it.”