Monster Essays: Cuisine

Felt like something quick and easy today, and Monster Essays always go over well. You know how goblins can eat garbage and I’d have dwarves running a fried chicken place? The idea of monsters having their own food cultures was always super cool to me but kept slipping my mind. I threw in a lot of tidbits in this one about existing food comments that I’d made in stories (whether finished or not). The restaurant settings pop up as well as Manasnax, for a few, and the fate of Chick-A-Boom was actually a super early worldbuilding piece I used in a commission once.

The whole idea of “Do you want me to pick up Chinese, pizza, or halfling for dinner?” is just a really fun thought. I’m not a huge foodie, but it’s clear that there’d be some major shifts and leanings in dining when the other species showed up. From way back in the Goblin Diaries, I was cataloging the weird shit that Scrappa would eat from under the sink.

Ogres in particular was a weird but definitely clear choice for me. I honestly based it on an old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon where a guy’s wife was turned into an ogre. He’s briefly bummed out before learning that ogres are great cooks. I realized there’s kind of a lot of little bits of fiction about them cooking and preparing things. I had slid it into an ogre gf story I started a couple weeks ago too. So I ran with it and used the excuse that they’re easily 300 lbs each and need to eat, so they might as well make it enjoyable.

Dylan Eywind

Interspecies Relations Masters Study

To Serve Man. A History of Monster Cuisine.

A-. Very Insightful in providing origins for recipes, notable names and reasons and history behind the dishes. This does remind me that there is one monster I never did assign you, so I’ll make a note to bring it up at our next discussion.

The discovery of other species led to many other developments. While the public and professional use of magic was considered groundbreaking, many smaller revelations came in its shadow. Cultures were shared through art and traditions, but the introduction of food between species was subtle yet unavoidable. When our ancestors fought over food and traveled the world to find spices, the idea of reaching beings from another dimension or with entirely different (or dulled) senses of taste had likely never crossed their minds.

Generally speaking, few new foods were actually introduced between races. Most species only lived in hard to reach areas, if not the same land entirely, so breeds of cattle or vegetables were largely the same. Dwarves and gnomes were known to herd large breeds of subterranean moles called budges, but they were generally viewed as a necessity over preference. Several factions of elves had uniquely crossbred fruits and plants in their magic-rich soil to create a few offshoot species, such as the manana.

As mentioned in earlier entries, nearly every race frowns upon cannibalism for one reason or another. However, unfertilized lizardfolk and harpy eggs are not considered alive by their species and are often consumed rather than wasted in their culture. A small market exists for those willing to sell them, but most consider them similar to oversized and overly expensive chicken eggs. There is a more lucrative market in minotaur and holstaur milk, but these are often small, family-managed companies and a considerable portion of its buyers tend to be fetishists.

When it comes to individual species, size is a factor. When creatures vary in size from fairies to ogres, the notion of a serving size came into debate. While the standardized serving is still judged in human scale, most restaurants adjusted their menus to include sizes accommodating to such creatures. Giant-sized are for larger creatures, or more prone to eating more on average such as ogres, centaurs or halflings. Smaller creatures like imps or fairies are often called Morsel sizes in shorthand. Either can be referred to as “Portioned” meals (i.e. Portioned Large or Portioned Small), but the average consumer seems to consider these pretentious or overly sensitive.

Numerous sub-types of cuisine and eateries were opened in the wake of the newcomer races. Magically infused snacks and drinks arose, such as the Red Potion energy drink or the novelty candy Rocket Poppers. Online networks and eventually the pop-up business of Manasnax developed to arrange hookups for races that incorporated mana through sex into their diets. Stackers emerged with its mix of shortstack waitresses and filling bar food while M.C. Kraken’s fast food famously hires and caters to all races with meal options and seating. Individualized restaurants for most species can be found where their population is dense enough, with some more common than others. A famously poor campaign at Wendy’s attempted to add a goblin menu to their chains, but it quickly received backlash from all sides. Goblins heavily preferred the human food and the humans that did try it ended up variously sick or revolted, leading to a PR nightmare as the Wendy’s Goblin Challenge trended across social media.

In most specific cases, demons were unique in that they hold little attachment to their homeworld. Their debut on Earth was to escape their life in Hell, where famously little of flavor or nutrition grew. Demons require little food to maintain themselves as more magical than biological, particularly as corruptor breeds can live off of mana. Early testing found that demons had much duller taste buds than humans as a result, leading to them preferring bolder flavors. Especially spicy dishes go famously well with them, given their resistance to heat and fondness of strong tastes.

Goblins were particularly unique in that they had little food-based culture of their own. As scavengers, they frequently resorted to consuming barely cooked meat or the trash left behind by humans. Their powerful digestion led to them being capable of living off moss and Styrofoam as needed, so nearly anything of human-make was considered massively appealing to them. Their evolution in eating carrion or rotten food has led to them leaning towards bitter or sour tastes, though meats and sugar are highly appreciated. Few goblin recipes and creations exist, but most of them are ritualistic and not well received by other species. The invention of grupjug, for example, is a highly potent poison that they created from rotten mushrooms specifically to become intoxicated when mundane human chemicals and alcohol would not be powerful enough to affect them.

Another notable case of social backlash came in the form of Chick-A-Boom. During the early introduction of monsters, the restaurant took a bold humans-only stance and particularly refused to serve goblins. Goblins protested in their own unique way as they staked out their restaurants and consumed their garbage from their dumpsters, harmlessly confusing the staff while also obtaining their cooking for free. The restaurant chain’s owners ultimately apologized shortly before closing down.

Elves and fairies share a similar cuisine, if served in different portions. Magically-infused ingredients were commonplace, with leanings towards pasta and vegetables. Vegetarians commonly appreciate elven cuisine as a result, but its validity can be based on the mana content in the ingredients. This led to what is called “half-elven cooking,” a cheaper stand-in with substitutes such as jasmine rice over spellgrain.

Mermaids and harpies showed very similar interests, though these did not take off well with other races. Their more brutal habitats left them with limited resources, and evolving with teeth that could break through bones made their classic dishes of bony fish less than popular. Mermaids did start the strange habit, however, of requesting to keep a bone from a particularly appreciated meal, much to the confusion of human hosts.

The isolated islands that gorgons and lizardfolk lived in resulted in highly tropical dishes, specializing in citrus fruits and sea fish. Many early immigrants to mainland countries were quoted as missing such specific flavors. Winner of one season of Monster Chefs Mog Silktail famously imported a large personal aquarium for his ingredients.

In terms of sheer popularity, dining journalist Branson Plake said that “You want a creature that thinks with their stomach behind your restaurant. Even more than goblins and humans, it’s hard to go wrong with ogre, dwarf and halfling cooking.”

Halflings were reclusive creatures focusing most of their lives on comfort. Their big appetites and cherishing of the small things made them capable of cooking with just about anything. Stews, baked goods, and other hearty dishes are common meals of theirs, combining a surprising subtlety of spices with their gathered mishmash of foods. The popular halfling dish of rumble pot actually has no set recipe or ingredients; while beef, potatoes and beans are common choices, the oldest instructions describe it as simply using everything you have left over, pouring gravy and water over it, and boiling it in a covered pot until it starts to run over the lid.

Dwarves emerged into the world eager for opportunities, both in business and the urge to perfect all that they do. Many strange remnants of their experimental stages on the surface still remain, often in sarcastic posts quoting old dwarven cookbooks or notes from attempted dishes. Dwarves soon settled into a traditional specialty shared with many human cultures, and dwarven restaurants are very common for their love of beer and fried food. Their culture’s access to heat from their underground forges and excess fat from hunted animals made frying an easy means of cooking food quickly but tastily. As a matter of pride, traditional dwarven cooks and restaurants may feature “challenge plates” on their menu or advertisements. While other businesses would tempt visitors with a “secret sauce” or “old family recipe,” a master chef of a dwarf finds it more appealing to offer their exact recipe. It is called a challenge plate as it states a message of “you couldn’t do better, so come eat it here.”

It should be noted that despite living as neighbors to dwarves, gnomes were found to be much more accustomed to processed food. Their strong senses were commonly satiated by milder foods, or when they wanted some flavor, concentrated sweet potato sugar was a popular treat that was applied on most foods in the way American humans may consider ketchup or butter.

Ogres were the true surprise when it came to cooking. Among the bigger races, the stereotypes of their eating whole goats or the bones of children were quickly refuted. Spike Clan representative Dohg Valgur explained in an early interview that ogres “need to eat by the bucketload, and that takes a lot of time. If you’re going to spend a whole chunk of your day eating, you better make sure you enjoy it.” Studies believe that ogres have among the most complex senses of taste and smell in the world, if not as long-ranged as goblins or werewolves. Common dishes that became very popular in today’s society include rauph (a mix of seasoned meats, rice, and a faintly tangy sauce), crumb roll (a layered dish of vegetables and friend dough surrounding a spicy piece of chicken or pork), and darish (heavily crushed or chopped up beans and mushrooms in a rich gravy, sometimes served over thick noodles).

In the spirit of keeping the reader from getting too hungry, a look at monster food is a subtler but every bit as distinct a method as examining a race as their appearance itself. The needs and preferences of each speak volumes in their preferred tastes and needs, even when they have nothing to bring to the metaphorical table. The more varied and widespread human cultures incorporated their way into those of the other races, leaving every individual with some preference for a country or species’ cooking. It once again proves that the most effective spice of all is variety.