Milfquest 4: Hot Spring Mamas

I’ve just started binge-listening to this especially funny podcast lately Dungeons and Daddies. It’s just what if four dads go into a portal to D&D world to save their sons where they keep making dad jokes and don’t know how much gold is worth. It hits a lot of the same vibes as my Milfquest storyline so I got the urge to come back to this one.

I realize this story’s not completely about sex or fighting like my others are. More about humiliation and the absurdity of their situation as they’re forced to go through their stripperific abilities and horny quests while being repeatedly punished for not knowing the rules. I keep the assumption that if their kids had opened the game like they were supposed to, they would have been turned into hot ladies and it would have been another transformation story entirely.

This chapter in particular, I wanted to bring out their mom-ness for a while. They each show their personalities and natural abilities over their classes and comical flaws. I.E. Hanako complains a lot, but when she needs to, she’ll roll up her sleeves when she needs to and improvise a tasty meal. Mitsuki is quicker to think and act than any of them and actually knows how to fist fight. Izumi’s actually in good shape while also being the most patient and reasonable. Kyoko is the most outdoorsy and well-traveled of the group, which proves pretty useful when it comes down to it.

I also wanted to address some of the game world’s mechanics while also being able to let the moms forget or ignore them later on. Just a peek at the background and that they’re doing everything wrong, and probably will for the sake of their dignity and presumed safety. Definitely need to put up their hot spring scene onto the reward art polls soon.

The four mothers were well into their epic quest to save the land of Galdael (however vague its level of realism was). That was to say that they were dirty, tired and lost as they gathered around the campfire.

“This is the worst,” Mitsuki grunted. The moody mom and more recently, “necromilfer,” sat in front of the fire, pulling at her dark cloak to air it out. “I’m a city girl and a smoker. Who the fuck thought I was a chosen one for anything that involves walking through the woods? My skull thong’s riding up every couple minutes.”

“We just need to make do until we get out of here,” Izumi assured them. The tan yoga teacher/warrior came back with an armload of wood and started throwing it on the fire basically at random. Apart from a couple of camping trips when they were young, none of them were very outdoorsy. It was by magic alone that they had figured out how to get a fire going by piling up wood and chucking mystical fireballs at it.

“And just how do we get out?” Hanako huffed, the pudgy healer planting her fists on her hips. “Nobody explained the rules! The king said we need to beat the dark lord something or other-”

“Uliok,” Mitsuki grunted.

“Whatever! So do we need to kill him? Stop him? Is this like one of those old movies where we’re actually supposed to learn a lesson about letting out kids play violent video games?”

“Maybe… the game has a 2-player mode,” Kyoko offered. The short ginger woman (even shorter since she was transformed into a dwarf) sat by her summoned boar. She pet its head idly as she glanced up at the sky.

“I sure have learned MY lesson! I’d love to play this game with my kids sometime!” she called out theatrically. She sighed when nothing happened.

“Ladies, I think we’re just worn out,” Izumi explained. The warrior-looking woman dusted off her hands for a second time, trying to wipe the leftover bark and mess on her armored loincloth. Much more of her tan skin was exposed than she’d like, but that went for all of their costumes. At least her armor should have been doing its job as actual armor.

“We need some rest and some food so we can think straight. I tell my kids, if you’re crabby and you don’t know why, you’re either hungry, tired or need a bathroom.”

“Which, I’ll add, I haven’t seen a damn bathroom this entire time,” Mitsuki grunted. “Not even an outhouse.”

“Does this world not have toilets? Like do wizards make us not need bathrooms here?” Izumi theorized.

“Oh that’s disgusting!” Hanako blurted. The busty brunette frowned at the idea. “I don’t want some unholy Satanist wizards messing around with any of my insides!”

“Standing right here,” Mitsuki said dryly as she flicked through her spellbook to pass the time.

“But not by choice! None of us even want to be here!”

“Or maybe it’s just like… our bodies being really reserved, you know?” Kyoko offered more brightly.

“Like I had this long road trip once to visit the in-laws, and I’m a shy pee-er so I didn’t want to go and use any dirty public places in case they were really gross. But I got to place after place until I didn’t even realize I hadn’t done a proper pit stop for two whole days til we got there.”

Kyoko trailed off and sighed again. “I’m just getting hungry is all.”

“Well we burned through the food from the inn in one day,” Izumi reminded her. “Too used to packing bag lunches for the kids to think that far ahead on rations or anything.”

Bitsy, her animal companion and oversized boar, suddenly got up and walked away. He disappeared into the woods. Very literally, he faded out of existence as he reached the trees, reappearing next to her a few seconds later. He opened his mouth and dropped several mushrooms at her feet.

“Ooh! Girls, look! Bitsy can scavenge!” Kyoko proudly held them up to the group, who eyed them curiously.

“They aren’t poisonous, right?” Mitsuki asked. “I was never huge on mushroom stuff.”

“I think so?” Kyoko hesitated. “Maybe? How do we find out?”

“The hard way,” Izumi frowned. “When it’s too late. But all our other food’s gone or covered in goblin slime, so it’s not like we have a choice. Unless we can magic food together.”

“Hate to break it to ya,” Mitsuki scoffed as she flipped to another page. “But this shit’s almost entirely ways to kill people. Grocery Shopping is not a spell I got here.”

Hanako’s eyes lit up. “Oh! I might have one! Jesus did all sorts of miracles with bread in the bible! It’s just figuring out how this pagan nonsense wants me to say it…”

She frowned and fumbled through a few prayers asking God for food, only to finally stumble across it a minute later by yelling the word “Food” hard enough. A soft crinkling sound could be heard as several sealed plastic sandwich bags fell to the ground around her.

“Carrot sticks and rice balls,” Izumi muttered as she picked one of the bags up. “Snacks are better than nothing, right, ladies?”

Hanako sniffed and stepped forward, rolling up the sleeves on her robes as the only thing on her that wasn’t skimpy.

“You’re thinking too small, Izumi-san. Let me handle this. I may just be a simple Japanese housewife on this stupid adventure, but I can still do some things of my own. Holy Shield!”

Hanako held out her hand and a golden shield of light appeared in her hand. She flipped it upside down and tossed a couple carrot sticks into it, satisfied to see they stayed inside the magical shield.

“Excellent. This magic whatchamacallit should make for a suitable wok.”

---

The ladies were surprised at how good a meal she could whip up with the improvised ingredients. Hanako even recognized the mushrooms from one of her cookbooks and mixed them in with a quick seasoning of some of the crushed-up fruit they received from her spell. It did a lot to lift their spirits before they went about their nightly rituals as best they could.

Kyoko updated their map as best she could. It wasn’t perfectly accurate, with more than a few frowny or smiley faces drawn on it, but it served as a decent log of what they’d gone through. Mitsuki got bored of reading so much and ended up just drumming her knuckles on top of her spellbook, playing whatever metal music came to mind in the back of her head. Izumi went about her stretching yoga routines, finally getting over the embarrassment of her outfit enough to perform it with her friends around. Hanako had found some cloth and needle on the goblins they had popped earlier in the day, so she went back to her stress relief hobby of trying to sew together some clothes. It wasn’t even out of modesty; she was just missing her kids the last couple days and making children’s clothes that she would sell to locals or people online made her feel better.

They spent the night on their simple blankets in the clearing and woke up to a chorus of their own groans.

“I cannot keep doing this,” Mitsuki complained. She eased herself back to her feet and cracked her back. “The inn was one thing, but who the hell sleeps in the dirt like this? They couldn’t put a hotel every couple miles like in Tokyo?”

“How can my back hurt?” Kyoko whined as she crawled back up. “I’m so tiny! I don’t even have that much back to hurt anymore.”

“With boobs like yours I’m surprised it’s not more of a problem,” Izumi pointed out. The freckled bust on the shrunken mom hadn’t gotten any smaller when she was changed into her fantasy form.

“Alright. This has been long overdue,” the tanned would-be warrior decided. She clapped her hands a few times. “Let’s get stretching, ladies. Limber up, cuz this yoga session’s on the house. Get in your warrior pose!”

Mitsuki groaned about it but the flattened out area made for a level spot to run through some basic poses. There was a bit more popping than anyone would have liked at their age and with all their travels, but it was a relief at least. Hanako summoned another quick breakfast before the moms started to pack up their few possessions.

“So number one question on my mind,” Mitsuki brought up as they started walking. “Is what the hell would have happened if our kids opened this game?”

“They’d be… chosen warriors too? Stuck in a video game?” Kyoko offered.

“Oh I’d be worried sick!” Hanako gushed dramatically.

“That’s assuming time even works like that between here and there,” Izumi warned.

“Yea. Scifi bullshit,” Mitsuki nodded.

“Orrrrr…” Kyoko started. “Would they be stuck here as sexy lady warriors? Do you follow me? We got stuck in these naughty outfits, so maybe they’d be turned into girls to like, learn a lesson about treating women with respect or something or other.”

The women weighed that thought in their minds for a moment.

“I’m sure my little Kenichi would have made a very lovely woman,” Hanako said in a sort of begrudging pride to her voice. She got some puzzled looks before Kyoko gasped.

“Wait! You smell that?”

The others paused and sniffed the air.

“No?” Mitsuki offered. “Just woods and leaves and shit.”

“No, more than that… this way!”

The huntress ran off ahead of the group, who easily kept up with their shortstacked ranger. She didn’t run far before they reached a rockier area, leaving the forested line of trees. They were left a few dozen yards away from a waterfall and the hot waters below it steaming with heat.

“Oh my good god,” Izumi muttered. Mitsuki nearly dropped her pipe from her teeth beside her as they all stared in awe, apart from Kyoko who beamed and skipped giddily in place.

“I knew it! I remember when I first came to Japan and I went to the local hot spring where I ended up meeting my husband, and it was such a good, weird smell that I’d never forget it.”

“I know I said we didn’t have to go to the bathroom, but I could piss myself right now,” Mitsuki gawked. “I haven’t had a proper bath since we got here! Kyoko, you fuckin’ genius!”

“I can wash my clothes!” Hanako gushed, almost weeping at the sight. “I can wash my clothes! Hallelujah!”

“Well don’t stand there, ladies!” Izumi reminded them. The tanned fighter stripped out of her minimalistic clothes as she hurried towards the waters warming her skin before she even reached them. “Get in there!”

After a bit of testing and toe-dipping to ensure it wasn’t some kind of sauna monster or acid illusion, the ladies happily dove in. The unheated baths at the inn and the rinsing off in cold rivers was nothing compared to the steaming hot soak they were used to. They washed themselves off eagerly before Mitsuki caught Kyoko in a headlock from behind, noogying the redhead’s puff of hair.

“Do you smell that,’ she says! Loookit this genius over here!” she laughed.

It was one of the few times the former delinquent turned single mom had laughed since she’d arrived when it wasn’t at someone else’s expense. Kyoko giggled and squirmed in her hold until she let her go again, letting the dwarven milf to paddle lightly to stay above the water. Even Bitsy had jumped in to swim around the outskirts of the spring.

“You watch,” Izumi warned. “There’s going to be some of those hot spring monkeys or a steam monster or something that’s going to come and jump out of this at us. Just like everything else that seems easy… but I don’t care!”

Izumi slumped into the steamy bath and sighed, rubbing down her skin that had been chafing from all the jiggling and stripperific armor.

The naked mothers relished the moment of relief and relaxation for a while before starting to settle down from their elation. They laid against the edge of the spring and soaked in the soothing noises of the waterfall until they started to hear something else. Voices were heard, drown out by the falls as the sloshing steps of several other people in the water started heading in their direction.

The cliff that formed the falls circled around, creating a larger space than the ladies had been bothering to use. Coming from around its edge were several scowling and dangerous-looking women. They were all tanned, muscled, scarred, or some combination of the three. They had thick and fit figures, clearly looking more like actual warriors than Izumi and her casually exercising mom bod did.

“Hey, sisters. You’re looking a little lost,” one of the thinner strangers with a scar going down her cheek said. She had wolf ears and a fluffy, curled tail, flashing a sharp-toothed grin at the ladies.

“Oh, I’m not a sister!” Hanako laughed as she broke into a smile. “I’m a woman of God, but married my husband before I could consider being a nun. I’m so glad you can tell a good Christian so easily though.”

The scarred woman stared at her blankly, trying to catch up to where her menacing talk went wrong. A larger, older woman, broad-shouldered and muscular with a thick, long trail of silvery white hair stepped forward. She was as nude as the rest, but carried herself with a grim expression and a variety of scars that seemed to set her as the one in charge.

“This is Dread Knight territory,” she warned in a low, serious voice. “Everyone knows that, and everyone knows you don’t pass here without paying a mighty big price.”

“Oh! Uh, sorry. We’re new around here!” Kyoko piped up. Mitsuki gestured for her to settle down and stood up from the water.

“Don’t worry. I got this. Listen here, bitch…”

“AHAHA!” Izumi suddenly broke into loud laughter, jolted back up and taking Mitsuki by the shoulders as she smiled nervously.

“Oooookay. Mitsuki, maybe you don’t speak for the group on this one…”

“Me and my girls have been through a lot of shit,” Mitsuki went on, ignoring Izumi’s grip. “We’re not fuckin’ with you so don’t fuck with us and we’ll all be a lot happier. So step back and won’t be nothin’ if you don’t start nothin’.”

Kyoko stared wide-eyed at the scene while Hanako held her lowered face in her hand. Izumi gave some more nervous laughter as the leader of the knights stepped forward.

“You know who we answer to, stringbean?” she warned gruffly. “Uliok himself formed the Dread Knights as his most loyal soldiers, and if you-”

The large leader suddenly gagged as she was cut off by a swift punch in the lower ribs. Her legs faltered and Mitsuki snapped another punch, this one across her face and sending her reeling back. Both sides stared in shock as the largest warrior looked stunned by the blow.

“First rule on the streets; don’t let them decide when the first punch goes off,” the pale milf smirked.

The tension finally broke as one of the other four bandit knights tried to charge at her. The dark green skinned woman in dreads tried to grab Mitsuki when Izumi tackled her clumsily from the side, sending them both grappling awkwardly into the water.

“I want to remind you!” Izumi shouted at her friend. “That you have ACTUAL magic and THAT was your strategy.”

“Can’t sucker punch with magic,” Mitsuki smirked back as she put up her dukes. The other thuggish knights started to rush them as Hanako popped back up.

“Ah, um… ice! Cold! Ummm Freeze!”

She fumbled through her unclear magical vocabulary until suddenly a patch of ice sprouted in the water around one of the ladies’ waists. She was stuck in the spot as the ice rapidly melted around her, but it bought Mitsuki time to sidestep a punch from the wolf-like girl. She drove a knee into her crotch and grabbed her by one of her breasts. She rattled off a few quick magic words and with a thunderous boom, she was launched out of the water and her body slapped wetly back on the surrounding stone.

“Little help!” Izumi yelped as the orc woman started to shove at her head, wriggling free of her clumsy bearhug.

“Kyoko! Kneecap her!” Mitsuki ordered as she took a punch to the face. The slim necromancer’s head bucked with it, a bit rusty from her old days but her instincts still sharp. She caught the arm on the rebound and slammed a couple quick hooks into her attacker’s ribs before sweeping her leg, shoving her over backward into the water.

Kyoko hastily swam through the water and latched onto the orc’s leg. She hugged it with her entire body and pulled until Izumi could get the other one, both lifting to flip her over upside down in the steaming waters.

“Guys, that is NOT what kneecapping means!” Mitsuki yelled.

“But appreciate the effort,” Izumi added as the leader stormed back towards Mitsuki at last. Hanko gave a frustrated sigh and stormed through the water as best she could. The religious brunette’s face grew red with frustration as she hurried towards them, jiggling all the way before she threw up her hands.

“Alright, stop this! All of you!” she shouted sternly. “We’re new here because we were chosen by God or video games or something and we don’t know where we are! We were sweaty and tired and we just needed a bath because it’s the last thing we have because we are JUST trying to get back home to see our fucking kids again!!”

Her voice peaked angrily at the end. For all the complaining she could do, it was hard to out-rant Hanako. The burly leader stopped in her tracks, fist still clenched to clock Mitsuki as she looked at the naked unwilling priestess.

“You have kids?” the white-haired warrior asked quizzically.

Hanako pursed her lips and glanced down at her plump stomach and huge chest. “Is it not obvious?"

"I do try to keep in shape, thank you very much," Izumi added, her struggle with the orc having come to an awkward crawl.

“I’m a little bigger, usually,” Kyoko added. “Normally anyway. So this whole… short thing is usually more spread out, but it’s the same kinda build…”

“I didn’t imagine you’d be moms this far from civilization,” the lead knight admitted, her expression softening a bit. “How many do you have?”

Hanako puffed up a bit with pride. “Three. Two wonderful sons and a lovely daughter.”

“Just the one,” Mitsuki replied warily. “He’s enough of a handful.”

“Two,” Izumi answered a bit more cagily.

“One, unless you count the puppies,” Kyoko joined in, barely keeping her head above the water as she kept her deathgrip on the orc’s leg just in case. “I’d have pictures, normally, but you know…”

“You carry paintings of your children?” the big woman asked with a puzzled look. “Doesn’t matter. I just didn’t imagine I’d meet another mom out here. It’s been a while, honestly!”

The scarred muscle woman laughed as she jerked a thumb at her comrades.

“My troop’s all pretty green and fresh from their own villages. They don’t know what it’s like raising a litter of their own yet.”

“Oh that’s such a shame! It’s so rewarding,” Izumi said, carefully releasing the orc as things seemed to be cooling down. Kyoko sent a quick punch into the confused knight’s stomach just in case before she slipped away, not that the orc noticed.

“Right!? Teaching them to fight back in my tribe was so rewarding!” the leader gushed with a widening smile, her eyes curling with it to bend the scar going past her eyebrow.

“I’m not so sure about THAT part…” Hanako admitted.

“I am,” Mitsuki smirked. “Nobody fucks with my boy for a reason. Name’s Mitsuki.”

“Captain Havan Longstride,” the lead knight replied, taking and shaking Mitsuki’s hand.

“I have to say, you speak a lot of strange words but you can certainly throw a punch for a wizard.”

“I’m new to the wizard thing. We all are,” Mitsuki said with a smirk. “We’re still sort of figuring this stuff out.”

“That’s for sure! Look at their gear!” one of the other bandits piped up from nearby. The adventurous moms looked over to see her staring at their clothes and weapons left nearby.

“What about it?” Hanako asked in a worried tone.

“Ooh, she’s right,” Havan said with a frown. “That’s basic starting equipment. Even if we beat you, we wouldn’t even be able to buy enough healing potions to make up for the damage selling that junk off.”

“What do you mean by junk?” Izumi asked, folding her arms. “That’s the biggest sword I’ve ever seen, and we killed dozens of jelly goblins with all that ‘junk.”

“Jelly goblins that I only JUST got out of my hair,” Kyoko added moodily.

“You’re STILL fighting goblins?” Havan asked, looking surprised. “You must be stupid under-leveled then. Why haven’t you traded any loot in for extra gold to upgrade your armor? Or found any good grinding spots for XP before you wandered straight into Ghull territory?”

The group of moms stared at the scarred captain blankly before Hanako cleared her throat.

“Ma’am, any ‘grinding’ we happen to do is between us, our husbands, and The Lord, so…”

“Hoo boy…” Havan sighed, folding her muscular arms over her breasts. “You ladies really are new at this. You know what?”

The knight captain jerked a thumb over her shoulder towards the way they came.

“Why don’t you finish cleaning up and come stop by our camp over past the waterfall? I can catch you up on some basics, and we’d make more of a profit trading with you than rooting through that mess.”

---

The moms were left to their own devices, and after a frantic and brief discussion they decided to take their chances on the camp before heading out blind. It was a much bigger camp than they had ever been to beyond Kyoko’s camping trips with her family, clearly set up for a long stay at their outpost. Several campfires blazed and guards watched various locations around the perimeters as one waved them in.

Havan was easily spotted by one of the larger fire pits, roasting what looked like a horse-sized dragon. She and her knights were properly dressed now, or at least more than they were before. The amazonian captain wore a tiny, armored loincloth that barely covered her privates and a leather bikini with a single armored cup while the other was a revealing patch of simple red cloth.

“My fellow moms! How are ya!?” she asked boisterously, raising a frothing mug towards them. A few other guards around her cheered and raised their drinks just to be a part of the moment.

There was a distinct separation between the men and women of the camp; while the male knights were fewer, they wore massive plate mail or large, fancy robes that covered basically everything from chin to toe. The female guards wore chainmail bikinis, skintight leather, armored skirts that barely went past the hips and other much more revealing outfits.

“Fine now, thanks…” Izumi said, eying a gathering of other guards that seemed to pay them little mind. She had all sorts of questions, but the roasting dragon a nearby pot of stew got their stomachs growling.

“Come on and help yourselves. We’ve got plenty and basilisk meat doesn’t keep long!” The eyepatched woman from earlier waved them over and started dishing out plates.

“Wow! We appreciate it!” Kyoko blurted. She hastily took a plate of meat and stew and took a bite before anyone could warn her otherwise. “It’s not bad! Not that it’s as good as your cooking, Hanako!”

“You just ate monster meat,” Mitsuki pointed out to the diminutive milf.

“Yea, but it’s fresh. My family and I once ate crocodile while we were traveling, you know.”

“Actually, I was wondering if we could talk about that trade you mentioned,” Izumi brought up. “You said there was better… ‘gear’ to get around here?”

“I’m not sure how much we can afford though, Izumi,” Hanako warned. “We did spend all that money on the inn the other day.”

“Yea, but we beat up the goblins too,” she corrected, but Havan raised a warning hand for them to hold.

“I’m sorry… you spent how much at the inn?”

Havan was soon laughing her ass off as they ate and recounted their tale. One absurd detail led to another and soon they were telling their whole story and learning all sorts of things about the world. They didn’t retain all of it, but the actual worth of a gold coin was a shocking surprise to them. The warrior woman explained how the world worked in terms of experience points and stats and classes, not that it did them much good now.

“Well knowing all of that…” Izumi summarized. “It sounds like we should go invest in some armor. Keeping ourselves in one piece sounds like the wisest way to spend our paycheck.”

“Agreed,” Hanako nodded. “So where can we get some of those? It’ll be nice to wear something that isn’t so… sinful.”

The priestess pointed to one of the towering men in black and spikey armor. Havan stared at him before staring back at Hanako.

“Are you serious?” the captain asked.

“Of course. Why not?”

“Think we can’t afford it?” Mitsuki asked as she finished her post-breakfast smoke.

“Because that armor’s a joke. Those are the scrub new recruits you’re looking at! Forget jelly goblins! You’d be getting your ass kicked by angry trout and territorial pigeons!” Havan laughed and took another gulp of her beer.

“So then you all…” Kyoko started, eyes wandering over their fellow women and their revealing outfits.

“I’m the captain, aren’t I?” Havan thumped a fist on her scarred chest, making her breasts wobble in the tiny top. “Top of the line armor for me! Material’s so effective that you only need a few pieces to get more protection than an entire suit of armor, and it gives you plenty of maneuverability.”

“So like they’re action heroes or something?” Izumi asked the others warily. “Or is she messing with us?”

“Hey, new guy!” Havan shouted at one of the large and ominous men in armor. “Take a shot at me, would ya?”

“Captain?”

“With your bow. C’mon!”

The man shrugged and took out his shortbow, aiming and firing a shot at the captain. She tipped her mug back as the arrow’s head struck her right in the bare skin of her breast. A faint, luminous ripple ran across her skin around it and the arrow shattered without even making her flinch until she was finished chugging.

“You see? Smaller pieces of magical materials work better than bulky metal. You should try them out!”

Havan waved towards one of the larger tents nearby.

“Tuck in there has some good deals. Tell ‘em I said you’re a couple of well-meaning moms and he’ll make sure he gets you a fair price.”

Izumi breathed a careful sigh. “You do realize we’re trying to dethrone your master with this equipment, don’t you? If this is a conflict for you, we can just move on and leave you be.”

“Zumi,” Mitsuki hissed, but Havan shrugged her broad shoulders.

“I serve the dark lord. It’s good work, if you know where to cut corners and loot some people on the side. But I still take time off every month to go back to my tribe and see my kids and harem of husbands, because that’s what a mom does. They take care of ‘em and look after ‘em. And you’re stuck off on another dimension where you can’t do any of that.”

“I’ll just ignore that part about polygamy and possible slavery,” Hanako said hastily. “Because the rest… is very important. Thank you, captain.”

“Worst comes to worst, we don’t need an overlord to stay out here looting and hunting. We’ll be fine.” The captain gave them a casual salute. “Feel free to stay for the day while you stock up, but you ladies do what you have to and get back to your kids.”

The moms were left in good spirits after this morning of comforts, so they quickly made their way into the tent. It was full of weapons, armor, and things they couldn’t even recognize hanging on racks with changing booths and smithing tools beside a simple countertop.

“Shit. Look at all this stuff,” Michiru muttered, poking a gleaming silvery polearm. “If you need like, twenty spears for something, I guess this is the place to go.”

“Excuse me!” snapped an impatient and high-pitched voice. What looked like a floating black orb of light with black fairy wings poking out flew in between her and the weapon.

“If you need help with the merchandise, please ask. We do not support a shifting morality mechanic in this shop! Also, that is not a spear but a Bohemian earspoon.”

“You must be Tuck!” Kyoko piped up. “We were told by the captain we could get some armor and stuff in here!”

“Oh certainly!” the dark glowing sprite replied, buzzing through the air excitedly. “If you could step right into the dressing rooms, I can whip up some magic and show you the finest we have available.”

---

“Girls? I’m starting to believe that Havan wasn’t fucking with us.”

Izumi grimaced as she stepped out of her changing room. Frankly, she thought her new costume looked more like a tattoo than armor. A length of sleek green material ran over one shoulder, across her chest and down between her legs where it snaked around to meet the other end. Some high-heeled, snakeskin hooker boots boosted up her toned ass.

“Actual drake scale!” Tuck proclaimed proudly. “Guaranteed double your elemental protections plus striking fear into lesser monsters while the unique pattern of the scales emits a physical forcefield that’s easily three times the armor you were wearing.”

“I don’t know if I’m wearing mine right,” Kyoko admitted as she stepped out. The dwarvish milf winced as she tugged on her outfit, barely more than a dozen large leaves that formed pasties over her crotch and part of her big freckled boobs.

“Ah, the druidic guardleaves,” Tuck praised. “A brilliant pick if you ask me! Perfect for camouflage and repelling beasts.”

“It sure doesn’t look like armor,” Kyoko pointed out, blushing as she wrapped an arm around her chest. That alone seemed to cover more flesh than the leaves did. “I look like if Poison Ivy started molting.”

“I assure you, if it were poison ivy, you would know by now,” Tuck chuckled. Kyoko’s eyes widened as he missed her reference but she caught a troubling mental image.

“Nope. Not sure this’ gonna work,” Mitsuki said gruffly. She stepped out in glittery open-toed shoes and a black leather sling bikini dotted with cutesy skulls and spikes on her nipples and a thin strip of leather going between them. She glared at the sprite irritably.

“Ah, but it’s perfect! The glitter attracts spirits and lesser demons for their magical strength. Even comes with a pouch with ready to go imps on command.”

“YEET!” something squeaked from Mitsuki’s cleavage. She looked down as a few six-inch-high purple gremlins jumped out of her small pocket of leather, scrambling all over her skin. She shuddered visibly as she grit her teeth, just for a fleshy smack to ring out. Some purple smoke came from her ass as Kyoko smacked one of the imps into dust.

“Got one,” she chimed helpfully.

“Preciate it,” Mitsuki grumbled. “Hana! You coming?”

“NOT ON YOUR LIFE!”

At least her displeasure got Mitsuki to crack a smile. “Come on, choir girl! We all tried on our trashy Halloween costumes, now you do too.”

There was a heavy silence before Hanako stepped halfway out of the stall. It was enough to see that she was wearing a micro bikini that didn’t even cover up all of her nipples let alone her areola. A snug thong vanished between her broad ass and pussy lips with just enough material visible around the waist to show a vaguely ankh-like holy symbol above her crotch. There were gold symbols that were larger than the bikini’s fabric itself along it, many of which looked like arrows pointing at her crotch or breasts.

“This… is UNACCEPTABLE!” she fumed, already beat red as she inched out.

“But the holy symbols have so little fabric to interfere with their channeling-”

“NO you don’t! I demand to speak with your manager!” Hanako barked, starting to storm jiggling over to the tiny shopkeep. He flittered away as Izumi stepped in front of her, acting as the peacekeeper once again.

“Hanako-san, he’s pretty clearly self-employed. Asking for a manger won’t get us anywhere right now,” she cautioned her calmly. When Tuck seemed to relax as well, the barely-dressed warrior spun around and grabbed him, squeezing the talking orb of light in one fist.

“But he has FIVE SECONDS to get us some actual armor that doesn’t make us look like a traveling band of circus hookers before I FUCKING LOSE IT on this entire GOD DAMN HORNY DIMENSION!”

“Woo! Izumi-chan!” Mitsuki laughed as the weapon merchant gagged in her grasp. “Takin’ names!”

“I’m so used to Hanako yelling at people I didn’t see that one coming,” Kyoko admitted quietly.

“You should try it sometime, tiny,” Mitsuki snickered. “Shit’s fun.”

“Oh I try to let my words do the talking, not my volume…” she muttered sheepishly.

“Okay!” Tuck gagged. “Okay! Just let me… breathe…”

Izumi warily let go as the dark light glowed on and off for a second. “Okay… if you’re not willing to show any more skin than you have, I don’t have any armor that can improve your defense.”

“Bullllshit,” Mitsuki growled.

“This was a waste of time!” Hanako huffed.

“BUT!” the pixie added warily. “I have accessories. Magic items. They’re not the same potency as armor, but they can give you buffs, bonuses, special effects… less perks, but more dignity.”

“Finally,” Izumi said, rolling her eyes. “Can we see what you have in that then?”

“Of course! You only needed to ask,” Tuck huffed. He started to fly behind his counter indignantly when Izumi flicked him with a finger, sending him speeding off like a shot. He bounced off a wall of the tent before vanishing behind the counter, just to pop back up with a large rack of various oddities.

“Here you are! The Ring of Peeping! The Fortifying Thong! The Vibrating Egg of Detection! The Hot Lips Lipstick! The Seductive Perfume! The Tramp Stamp of Warding…”

The moms all sighed before exchanging glances. “This is as good as we’re going to get, isn’t it?” Izumi asked them dejectedly. They returned her frown.

Izumi groaned and picked up one of the items. “Okay. Fine. How does the Fortifying Thong work?”