Monster Essays: Hobgoblins

I’ve been thinking about adding hobgoblins for a long time but didn’t have the exact direction I wanted for them. I’m not sure when I’ll actually use them but wanted to set some ground rules for them. Mostly that they’re bigger, more violent and capable goblins. MASSIVE boobs and dicks, but they’re rare, picky and use casual violence as a sign of affection. Not just physically active and tough like orcs, but actually like to hurt their friends a little.

In just about everything, hobgoblins are just bigger, meaner goblins, so ended up running with that. With some googling, for some reason my favorite thing about them (beyond the weird punch girls culture) was their big square noses. Kind of like a koala or those weird animal-man hybrid OCs that aren’t quite furry but close. So they’re sweet and sexy and all, but get ready to have some insults thrown at you (and probably a couple of knives). Might tweak a few things, but it’s just an essay so wouldn’t be hard.

Dylan Eywind

Interspecies Relations Masters Study

Putting the Hob In Your Gob, A History of Hobgoblins

**A. Excellent job for how sparse consistent information can be and how dangerous it can be to obtain. More information on the clans you encountered or researched would have been a nice touch to it.**

Among one of the last to be discovered races of monsters, hobgoblins have proven to be a unique species of their own. Some were completely overlooked, assumed to be a minor mutation or crossbreed among goblins before being officially recognized and welcomed into the fold of other races. Their kind appears to be an ancient evolutionary offshoot of orcs and goblins that ventured off to further lands. Hobgoblins are widespread and tend to live in small, tightly knit communities, making them relatively rare and thus difficult to study as a whole. Research was sporadic and sometimes inconsistent, so only information gathered from more than one source at different regions will be used for this essay’s purposes. Much like hobgoblin culture, this paper is best approached by experts.

A hobgoblin is generally labeled as something between a goblin and an orc, but differ from each on several aspects. Hobgoblins vary from 4 to 5 feet tall with broader, thicker builds than goblins. They possess broad, angular noses and long, pointed ears. Skin tones are known to vary between shades between yellow and red. They possess more average muscle mass as well as more exaggerated curves than the already fertile builds of goblins, commonly compared to the size of potato sacks or garbage bags. They possess sharper claws and thicker teeth than goblins, making them much more capable at confrontation than goblins. They have a much weaker ability to regenerate than goblins, and as more capable hunters they lack the goblin ability to digest almost anything. They are almost completely carnivorous, with the presiding theory being that their offshoot species evolved through hunting rather than scavenging.

Hobgoblin culture is centered around having an outgoing nature. A goblin’s commonly flirtatious nature is a snap response to a race that was used to hiding and stealing for the last several centuries. Hobgoblins are socially and biologically very active, possessing a higher heart rate than expected of creatures their size. Casual affection between hobgoblins may be expressed by punches, small scratches or even brief wrestling or sparring matches similar to wolf pups or lion cubs. Scars and blood are often romanticized in their language and storytelling, idealizing this kind of friendly aggression. This can easily create a barrier between other races who would otherwise be interested in getting closer to them.

Socially, hobgoblins actually resemble dwarves more than anything. Their etiquette is much less elaborate than the old dwarven codes, but hobgoblins appear to revolve their culture around loyalty. One’s family, mate and closest friends are to be trusted completely, and a breach of that trust is considered highly offensive. This can create confusion among those unfamiliar with them; they may be curt and standoffish with strangers, but more familiar faces will be met with laughing punches, bites or even reports of shallow stabbings. These are meant as signs of affection. Dellick Moor, one of the more outspoken hobgoblin storytellers in the US, said that some of their proudest stories are of leaders or brothers nearly killing each other and nursing them back to health as signs of their deep bonds.

“An enemy would kill someone when given an opening. To show that they saw so many openings and didn’t make them fatal mistakes is a show of real trust in the old ways.”

This level of loyalty also led to their separation as a species. Distrusting other clans made them prone to move to farther territories rather than infighting. This led to many of them traveling to live on their own, preferring isolation over risking exposure to other races and cultures. This limited their choices of mates and since hobgoblins have rather long gestation periods (averaging 2 years of pregnancy before delivering a litter), they did not reproduce nearly as fast as most races. With their numbers so limited, experts estimate roughly 500 hobgoblins exist in the United States. Other countries tend to have similarly small populations, with slightly heavier numbers in Russia and Germanic regions.

Hobgoblins, as stated earlier, tend to be wary and aggressive towards those outside their immediate clan. Posturing, profanity, threats and insults are common in interactions with strangers with no real offense meant, but hobgoblins rarely move to actual violence without proper provocation or a very familiar relationship. Exactly when a friendship develops to that level is up to the individual, so the escalation of their kinship can be surprising when a warming up hobgoblin punches a human friend in the ribs after a good joke or act of kindness. The term “virgin punch” or “sister fister” are commonly used for the first blow delivered as a sign of affection to welcome one into a hobgoblin circle. Moor also noted several parts of their oral history where acts of aggression were mistaken as fondness, with vicious swordfights escalating into sex or marriage among the clans.

Sex is predictably wild and painful between hobgoblins. Their vicious and ruthless nature continues in the bedroom, where “sharing blood” is a common colloquialism for sex in both Japanese and Russian clans. Hanging on with claws and teeth are commonplace amidst their passion, easily causing bloodshed in the process. They have similarly stretching insides like a goblin, creating a tight yet slippery sensation in females and large, flexible penises on their males that swell to fill whatever orifice is available. Continuing until at least one partner is crippled with exhaustion is expected in most hobgoblin circles. The general consensus of people who intermingle with hobgoblins is that it’s an overall pleasant experience, but not one of the inexperienced.

“Like being with the bustiest, thickest goblin ever,” reported Miles Wilson of Viewtube’s MonsterVine channel of personal monster research. “Except you won’t walk straight and you’ll have less blood than you did when you went into the bedroom.”

Hobgoblins tend to be highly protective of their mates, treating them as a particularly important part of their clan. A serious relationship or a proper marriage (one involving several kinds of knives in full hobgoblin tradition, but this is not always required), implies that the two of them are enough for each other when it comes to the usual aggression in their affection. A serious partner is expected to be spared of most physical affection from others. This makes hobgoblin partners commonly possessive and clingy, keeping close to their partner to administer adoring punches or pinches and to remind others not to do the same. While requesting to end a relationship is met with shocking civility and respect, dishonesty or cheating are hugely offensive acts. Several hobgoblins have been imprisoned over injuring or killing unfaithful partners, all of which were quietly approved and ignored by their clan’s codes as a suitable punishment for the cheater.

So while most people won’t even encounter a hobgoblin, they are labeled by many as a “higher level” sort of monstergirl. The temptation of huge breasts and intense loyalty can be quickly dulled when one learns of the amounts of etiquette, roughhousing and aggressive surprises that can be involved. Hobgoblins being as isolated and loyal as they are makes them rarely leave their initial circles, making the melting pot nature of the world less effective on dulling their cultural values. Still, those who truly find themselves attached to the taller shortstacks (sometimes dubbed mid-stacks) and willing to put up with the bumps and bruises will find no love more steadfast than a hobgoblin’s.