Green Gamer Guys 3: Guestisode

Feeling like a slow month so far, early as it is. Just got a positive test back on Covid, but thankfully still seem healthy and safe enough. Wanted to break out something comfy and easy to write and Green Gamer Guys was laying around, the unfinished podcast script of an orc, goblin and demon talking about life in the monstergirl setting.

Definitely a sister story to Monster Essays. It’s me sorting out thoughts and writing jokes among organizing the world as a setting. Don’t learn a ton here specifically but get a lot of opinions and jokes from people of its world along with some good zingers, if you ask me. Maybe one day they’ll actually talk about video games in these stories...

Gruul settled into his chair, getting comfortable as he looked to his podcast co hosts. The dreadlocked orc got a nod from the goblin and incubus seated nearby.

“Alright, we going?”

“We going,” Skrat confirmed.

Xataeus glanced at his small monitor. “I got lines go up and down. I hope that’s good,” the incubus shrugged.

“Great. Let’s fuck this up…”

Gruul: “Hey, internet. It’s us. You know who.”

Skrat: “I’m Skrat!”

Gruul: “Ya sure are, buddy. Never get tired of reminding us.”

Skrat: “I’m Skrat…”

Gruul: “Today’s Green Gamer Guys is a crossover, folks. We got ourselves a guest.”

Xats: “It’s tv’s Skrat!”

Skrat: “YEAAA!”

Xats: “We finally got ‘em!”

Skrat: “I cost a fucking fortune.”

G: “You guys done?”

X: “Never.”

S: “I’m done when I die.”

G: “So today’s actual guest… who’s snickering at the end of the table right now… is from The Stack Shack. Good buds with the Triple G’s. Show about shortstacks and for shortstacks and those who love ‘em.”

Keena spoke up with a gentle Irish trill to her voice. The plump and busty halfling had straight, dark blonde hair that curled at the tips, which was currently dyed a grassy green.

K: “Which statistically, that’s just about everyone. We’re delightful little bitches, we are.”

G: “A thousand subscribers can’t all be wrong.”

S: “But I can be wrong a thousand times.”

X: “So what all am I looking at here? Tell us about yourself.”

K: “Well, I’m a halfling. Have been since I was born. I’m what the cast on my show call the sexpert of the team.”

X: “I’ve used that line before, but they haven’t gave me a degree for it yet.”

K: “You haven’t taken the right courses at your horniversary yet, Xat?”

S: “HA!”

G: “My horniversary is next month, actually.”

X: “Ok, you got me. But call me Xats. Otherwise it doesn’t register for me right away.”

K: “Right, what’s the story with that? You’re Xatis?”

X: “Oh right, you’re new to the show. My folks called me Xataeus, and they were like ‘He’s gonna grow up to be a self-respecting demon with a traditional name like that!’ Then like a couple weeks into me being a baby with like an ancient Greek-sounding name…”

G: “Just nah.”

X: “Yea, it’s just Xats now.”

G: “So before we get into the details of why you’re here and today’s topic… we did ask you about coming to the show…”

K: “Yes. Went through our show’s email.”

G: “And second question we asked…”

S: “Can you go green?”

G: “It’s VERY important that we keep our brand going…”

X: “Otherwise we’ll give you a swirly and call you a non-greener. All the best gamers are green.”

S: “Humans can’t game. It’s true.”

G: “Unless they get a horrible disease.”

S: “Yea, then they’re great at them.”

K: “But I said yes. I went to some of the girls and we had a night dying my hair green for the day. And I feel like a fucking leprechaun, thank you very much.”

X: “It matches the accent.”

K: “Oh I’ve heard no end of that already and it’s been a bloody day.”

S: “So it’s funny you mention ‘fucking leprechauns…”

G: “Yea, so our show has gotten unexpectedly horny lately. Like video games, they’re a little horny.”

X: “Oh jeez. The times I’ve just put Horny Gun Witch or Doom Daisies on auto-play…”

G: “And you’re what we might call an expert, right?”

K: “Right. So last I checked, I’ve slept with someone from every species.”

G: “Cuz spirits above, we’re finding them left and right.”

S: “If we’re not meeting new ones, we’re fucking new ones into existence with our non-stop perversions.”

X: “Thought you’d filled out your pokedex? Caught ‘em all? Boom, we got giants now.”

K: “To be clear, we’re not perverts for fucking other species, right?”

S: “Oh fuck no.”

G: “We were perverts way before that.”

X: “LITERAL sex demon over here.”

G: “He’s got a permission slip!”

X: “Doctor’s note says I will DIE if you don’t suck my dick right now.”

K: “Which is an exaggeration.”

X: “Oh jeez, you haven’t talked to me at all if you haven’t seen through that.”

S: “People are still sending in comments like ‘Is Xats a big fat fuckin’ liar?’ and I just have to keep being like ‘Very yes.”

X: “Except for the fat part. And all the other parts.”

G: “Fuck you, dude. Never a straight answer.”

X: “I’m from Hell, dude. Whatta ya want?”

G: “You are from WISCONSIN, you ponytailed bitch!”

K: “I’m starting to see a trend already.”

S: “Yea, guys. C’mon. We have a guest and she’s going to tell us about dicks.”

K: “Why, Skrat, you gentleman.”

S: “Yea, I’m a boss like that. Kind of the president of the podcast.”

G: “So we have a list here. A lot to go through. The latest Wikipedia entry on recorded species of monsters in the modern usage.”

X: “Walks around, talks, can figure out how to work a computer.”

G: “Right. Not griffons or leviathans or anything that’s like…”

S: “A very ugly horse.”

G: “Kind of, actually? Like a people species. I’ve got a list and we’re gonna cover them all.”

K: “Well can I start with just… us?”

X: “What do you mean by ‘you people?”

G: “She didn’t say you people.”

X: “Nah, I just like saying that.”

K: “I mean halflings. Just like… how we are in bed.”

G: “Oh please do.”

K: “I mean we’re creatures of comfort. We were the species that didn’t want to go out on a Friday night cuz we had beer at home. Now if you lot come to us, we’re onboard.”

S: “Something something, cum to halfling porn…”

G: “King of podcasts, ladies and gentlemen.”

K: “So all I’m saying is me personally, if you know where to approach you can shag a halfling no problem. Sit me in a real comfy chair and I get a little soggy, ya know?”

G: “So you like a man who can cook, I guess?”

K: “Oh jesus, yes. I’m all yours if you can wine and dine me. And by that I mean just pay for my combo meal.”

*general laughter*

K: “But halfling boys, they’re really in for a pound. Y’ever seen a halfling prick?”

G: “I have made it my life’s goal not to, personally.”

K: “They’re up there with humans and orcs in terms of inch by inch. Looks ridiculous to some folks. You get a lot all at once, so you best be planning to make a whole night of it. Course, this is a whole bloody species, so don’t take this to mean everyone. This’ just me.”

S: “This is just one or two specific penises.”

K: “Exactly.” *snickers* “I’ve had sex with every species exactly once.”

X: “And went ‘Checked off! I’m done!”

K: “Oh I’m just being adventurous. I’ve known people with actual checklists and that’s just awful.”

G: “Sort of de-orc… I mean, de-humanizes you.”

K: “I like to think I’m sexier than a check mark. So what’s next? What do you guys want to hear about?”

G: “I mean I kind of know, but I think sort of going around the table…”

S: “JUDGE US! Call me a dirty boy!”

X: “Yea, call Skrat a dirty bitch.”

S: “I got upgraded to bitch somewhere in there…”

G: “Yea, I guess clear the room. How do our kind stack up.”

X: “What do you mean ‘you people?”

K: “Alright, so Gruul. I hear you’re an orc.”

G: “And would you say the rumors are true?”

K: “Yes.”

G: “Then go on.”

K: “Orcs in the bedroom… you’re an intense people.”

G: “Yea, we went over this a little on a recent episode. I’m dating a gnome and we… stay careful.”

K: “Right. It’s a bit easier for a halfling. We’re sort of deep and thick, built for breeding. Even then, you know orcs have to keep that nomad instinct going.”

G: “Yea, muscular ADHD seems to be the term I’ve seen sticking.”

K: “I like to think orcs are a bit of an investment. You’re more effort for more results.”

G: “I can accept that.”

K: “Girls who want muscle and size, hard to go wrong with an orc.”

X: “But when it does go wrong…”

K: “Painkillers or healing potions are advised… just in case. And some stretching beforehand couldn’t hurt. But if you like a challenge, absolutely go for it. Sort of poke the bull a little.”

S: “Wait, what now?”

K: “Just if you like it rough. Give ‘em a slap with your tickle. Take a bite or dig your nails in and they just fire right up.”

X: “Just look ‘em in the eye and say ‘I bet you twenty bucks you couldn’t break this bed under me.”

G: “Hoo boy…”

S: “Too far?”

G: “No I’m just… I’m gonna have to let Miss Melee listen to this part.”

S: “The part about how great your dick is.”

G: “Yea, that part…”

K: “Now Skrat.”

S: “Aw yea! Here it comes!”

K: “Goblins are an acquired taste…”

S: “No, we’re horrible. I get that.”

K: “I mean that’s your biggest problem right there. There’s a lot of ego going on when you’re going out with a goblin, good and bad.”

S: “It’s bad.”

K: “But yea, you’re going to find some of the smallest boys in there. Not going to shy away from that fact, so hope size doesn’t matter for you ladies.”

S: “So I think… like, yea. We know. We’re little guys all over. But I think the best thing you can have as a goblin…”

X: “Yea?”

S: “Is a SPH thing.”

G: “Excuse me?”

S: “Small penis humiliation? You ever-”

G: “Ohhhhh!”

S: “You ever hear-”

G: “Yea yea yea. I getcha. I didn’t know the cool new acronym for it.”

S: “Like SHIELD. Except instead of doing conspiracies and starting the Avengers…”

K: “We all just laugh at your dick.”

X: “I fucking hate Marvel’s new direction.”

G: “Is that a non-sequitur or a part of Skrat’s thing?”

X: “It can be both.”

K: “Don’t get me wrong though. Right mood, I will absolutely grab a goblin at the bar and take ‘em for a night.”

S: “And we will be desperately grateful for your spare coochie, ma’am.”

K: “Xats… I’m not going to lump all demons into one, because I’ve been all over your whole family tree.”

X: “Like mine personally?”

K: “Like all the types of demons.”

X: “Ok, cuz my dad’s been asking about you lately…”

K: “So as a whole, pretty middle of the road. Not too big, not too small, kind of humany with your own little flavors to ya… you’re all over the place with demons.”

S: “Even up the butt?”

K: “But it takes a very special someone to stay with a succubus. Or incubus.”

X: “Yea, we’re just using succubus as a blanket term now. For fuck demons. It’s… really stupid, if I’m being honest.”

K: “But it’s a bit like the goblins.”

X: “What now?!”

S: “Aw yea! Give it to ‘em, Keen!”

K: “You literally eat sex. It comes with that same kind of neediness, and their partner has to ask ‘Am I part of his diet or part of his life?’ It’s the objectifying thing from before.”

G: “With the guys who are just like ‘I want to get an anime harem with every monstergirl who wants my dick.”

S: “And I’m just like ‘Whaaa?! What’s a boob?! I’m so super horny I can’t pick just one!”

G: “Anime is garbage.”

S: “Yea. I love garbage.”​​​​​​​

K: “Same.”

X: “Now I’m not one to think about other peoples’ feelings… like, ever… but that’s not because of sex. That’s because I’m a jackass.”

K: “Oh absolutely not always the case! I know this beautiful couple. Sweetest bloke married to a succubus. But you know we’ve gone a long way in interspecies and universal beauty standards when…”

X: “Gluttons?”

K: “Oh lord, yes. Some of the most beautiful souls in there. Oof. Underrated for sure. Just big, warm, soft balls of cuddles I just wanna bury myself in and go ‘So this is what everyone else feels like when the tallfolk call me a little teddy bear.”

G: “I don’t really know a lot of them. Are they just like… always fat?”

X: “Yep.”

K: “They can lose weight like most people and get down to just like… a stocky build. But it’s harder and yea, they’ve got a limit on how much.”

G: “I mean, I knew a glutton in high school that played some sick football. Hit you like a truck. So it’s not ALL fat, I think?”

S: “We are professional podcasters, Gruuls. We know everything.”

K: “It’s why podcasts hold authority over the supreme court.”

X: “I got a question. Or rather, something I want verified.”

S: “When Xats had a question, it’s never a good one.”

K: “Nah, go ahead.”

X: “No, he’s right. So elves…”

K: “Yeaaa. They’re rarely packing. When your race evolves to do everything magically…”

G: “You’re not jocks.”

K: “You’re getting a whole lot of garnish on that meal.”

S: “Literally don’t know what that is.”

X: “Learn what a meal is already, Skrat.”

S: “But  I will say… goblin guy with elf girlfriend is like…”

X: “Gross?”

K: “Hey now. C’mon.”

X: “Sorry, that just comes out whenever I think of Skrat and sex. Goblin chicks are hot.”

G: “Dude, you don’t have to remind us.”

K: “You absolutely don’t.”

G: “I’ve got strangers in the streets running up to me like ‘Yo have you tried that goblin pussy!?’ TO! DAY!”

K: “So getting back to what Skrat said…”

X: “A dangerous maneuver, but go on.”

K: “I could see it. I think, on average and just biologically, the two of them get along.”

G: “The handshake is compatable.”

S: “I mean I’d like more than a handy, but I’ll take what I get.”

K: “It’s a lot more common than you’d think these days. But your species’ hangups are usually on the opposite ends of things. Now ogres...”

S: “Ooh, been there.”

K: “Exactly. On your first hornycast.”

G: “Are we just the hornycast now?”

X: “No, we’re a groundbreaking revolution of insight and bravery. ...about video games and farts.”

K: “Ogres aren’t anything too shocking. They’re big folks. Big big big. And they get that.”

G: “Yea, there’s like, bone density and muscle tissue stuff going on that makes them literally built different.”

K: “And nobody knows that more than they do. If they’re the type that would be dating or flirting with a lass like me, they know… okay, let’s be careful. Ok I’m gonna start out slow and you let me know when it’s getting too much. They’re much sturdier and so used to taking things slowly by nature.”

G: “Like elephants.”

X: “Say what now?”

S: “Yea, what? Cuz they’re big…?”

G: “No, because elephant’s can’t run. Can’t jump either.”

X: “Wait, I call bullshit.”

G: “What? Why?”

S: “Because that’s stupid. I’ve seen movies. Elephants run.”

G: “Yea, but that’s movies. In real life, elephants can’t run. They can stomp the shit out of you and like, trot quickly…”

X: “Noooo no no you don’t.”

G: “...but like the way their bones work, they’re so huge that if they hurried…”

S: “No, this is some Gruuls bullshit. Keena, don’t listen to this old timey huckster and his snakeoil sales pitches.”

K: “Don’t think I’ve ever heard this one.”

X: “Cuz it’s a lie!”

G: “Look! If you weighed a billion pounds…”

X: “A BILLION pounds!”

S: “Yes. Like a real scientist would say, ‘Look at this billion pound elephant!”

G: “...you guys suck. Just that if one of them went down, gravity would crush them under their own weight so they can’t risk it. I read that once.”

K: “That’s really interesting.”

S: “Gruuls, you can’t fool us. This is a podcast. None of us can read or else we’d be writing a book instead.”

X: “Nobody creates a podcast by choice. It’s a god-given duty when you have the gift.”

K: “Just saying, in this god-given message, more often ogres are perfectly willing to be on bottom. And you get the reverse with fairies.”

G: “Yea, how does that even work? Like…”

X: “Oh I saw this once before.”

K: “So sometimes a bigger one can fit a lot of the upper inch or two in there, but… you know how bottle rockets work?”

S: “My dick is often full of gunpowder, so this makes perfect sense to me.”

G: “Holy shit, they ride it?”

K: “Well just for the sensation, a lot of fairies may like being on bottom. They’re not toothpicks, remember. They’re about as strong and sturdy as a human being is because…”

X: “Magic guts.”

K: “Yea. Good sum up. And believe me, I’ll admit size can matter...”

S: “Dammit!”

K: “But it works both ways. Fairies can be small enough to get in there and get all the right places.”

G: “Some people like Pixie Stix for a reason, man.”

K: “Oh, also they cum in rainbow colors.”

G: “Whoa, wait…”

X: “Gruul, when you get home tonight…”

S: “Turn on private search first!”

X: “There’s some links… yea.”

K: “Gnomes and dwarves, you’ve got kind of that same… similar but opposite issue popping up. Shortstacks, so about my size, but yer gettin’ a whole different experience.”

S: “Oh, cuz of the uh… skin?”

K: “Sensitivity issues. Right. Grew up in the same environment together in different ways. So it’s a bit less of an issue if they’re born on the surface but fuckin’... generations of livin’ in bio suits or just eatin’ poison mushrooms will still set ya apart.”

G: “So would you say it’s a different approach to them, or…?”

K: “Oh, generally I’d say approach every person the same. See what they like, see what they can handle. But it’s going to be more about how they approach you.”

X: “Do you want your shortstack to be made of paper mache and jizz when you pet them, or to just take your dick like they’re holding against a siege?”

G: “Wow.”

S: “Xats, how are you such a romantic?”

X: “Cuz I know fuck words.”

K: “Like ‘siege.”

G: “And ‘them.”

K: “I’ll stop being ultra general in a sec, but werewolves and vampires have some similar factors going on.”

G: “That they’re conditions?”

K: “Kiiind of.”

S: “Man, that’s still so weird to me. I never called my human buddy with asthma an ‘asthma.’ He was my thumber buddy.”

G: “Sure, but did you ever call him asthmatic?”

S: “He what?”

K: “It’s a person with asthma.”

S: “Dude, I STILL don’t know what asthma is! We don’t get diseases in the swamps. We’ve only got like 3 of them!”

K: “I mean that’s a whole other discussion, but I think… the fact that you’re with someone who has this condition or label that is a stacked factor is something. Like they’re not just a human but they’re a werewolf. They’re an orc with vampirism. Probably by choice or by birth, these days, but it’s something we learn about in health class and we understand it but we’re just...”

G: “Jumpy.”

K: “We’re creatures! Being with someone who has a disease and we try to remember we have these special rules for them, we try to be really careful to adhere to those. Like we make those the front of our mind. I think a big part of sex with some of those people is being past that to some degree.”

G: “Yea, I’d think don’t make it a fetish, but…”

S: “But you’re GONNA.”

G: “Yea.”

X: “Fuckin’ everything’s a fetish now. We’re so super into being open with each other’s races and cultures that we’re GONNA wanna find out how they fuck before long.”

K: “Just to be fair though… keep in mind that they’re going to be a little more intense than most people.”

X: “Hey, if I was twice as strong as a regular person that I was gonna fuck…”

S: “Which you are.”

X: “Yea, but I didn’t wanna brag.”

K: “I mean more that werewolves have that sort of extra animal instinct. Like clearer input from their senses gives them and vampires more predatory instincts. Especially since vampires can’t reproduce like that, so it’s strictly for pleasure.”

X: “I do have a tip for that… don’t just like… assume your new goth gf is a hundred years old.”

G: “Ohhhh.”

X: “Especially if she looks-”

S: “Nuh uh. Xat, you’re on a slippery slope here.”

X: “Hey, I card everyone who wants into the Xats Shack. And I was gonna say she looked 21, she WAS just 21. Fresh turn.”

G: “The chat says… ‘Just like my very gross animes.”

S: “Can we move on? The chat catching up to us is always a bad sign.”

X: “They can never know our inner secrets.”

K: “Let’s see… witches, no surprises there. Expect some possible quirks from their upbringing to come up but basically humans. Cyclops, sort of the same with ogres for the boys and halflings for the ladies. Gorgons, use extra protection. Double up.”

X: “That’s on both eyes, you mean, right?”

K: “Yep. Fun to look at but not many of them are going to be happy to curse you into stone and let them do all the work. What else here…? Oh! Mermaids!”

G: “I was kind of waiting to hear how this one works out.”

K: “Lovely people, of course. Bit lacking below the waist.”

X: “Yea, they have literally nothing that interests me. It’s all tails and scales.”

S: “What!? Tits, my dude! And the mermaid accent is adorable.”

G: “It’s that gill accent.”

S: “That Cthulhu accent.”

X: “Look, when you eat orgasms you start to recognize tits…”

K: “Careful now. As a titty owner...”

S: “Hold me back. Gruul! This man’s badmouthing boobs!”

X: “I’m not badmouthing them! They’re great! But they’re not the best thing in the world!”

S: “Hold me back! I’m getting my slappers out!”

G: “Why the fuck would I stop you two from being idiots?”

K: “It wouldn’t be much of a show without it, eh?”

G: “See? Keen gets it?”

K: “And there’s days when I could go for oral or outercourse like nothin’ else. They’re a gorgeous people and just because they don’t have the same genitals doesn’t mean they can’t appreciate intimate contact just as much. All that muscle makes for a lot of sensitivity.”

X: “So speaking of scales and tails…”

S: “He says after being pummeled unconscious by me.”

X: “And being brought back to life by Keena’s love. Correct.”

K: “Happy to help.”

X: “So what’s up with dragons. You actually slept with a dragon?”

K: “Oh it’s more common than you think. That’s not even my real shocking one.”

G: “Yea, so many… like the lazy answer you get out of ‘who’s your dream monstergirl?’ is dragon. Like when you’re drunk and what-iffing each other and some assholes like ‘Cuz they can shapeshift into whatever.”

X: “Yea! So go date a whatever instead, dumbass.”

K: “Just go find a clone of yourself and fuck it instead, you free spirit you.”

S: “Isn’t that the opposite of what they want…? Variety or whatever?”

K: “Just an example.”

X: “Would you say it’s an extremely hypothetical situation that just leapt into your mind for no reason?”

K: “I like your phrasing of it. But full on, actual dragons that look like dragons… you probably couldn’t handle it. I didn’t go with that form with them because I had heard from them and several other people… don’t. They’re huge and reptilian and it’d probably destroy you.”

G: “A real go big or die trying thing?”

K: “Both, I suppose.”

S: “So dragons are just like, ‘Please don’t ask them to turn into your ex or something?”

K: “I mean they might want to mix it up, but it’s just going by the person. But expect experience in the bedroom. Dragons can be whatever with whatever parts they want so they’ve experimented. Probably more than you and in a lot of ways.”

X: “Gotta be adventurous to slay that dragon.”

G: “So body image issues probably in there?”

K: “I didn’t pick up on that personally. But probably couldn’t hurt.”

S: “So about this ‘they’re too big and will crush you with their dragon nuts’ part…”

K: “Go on.”

G: “Yea, Skrat. I dare you.”

S: “How even centaurs? Cuz we know Gruul’s a big strong boy who can sleep with a horse…”

G: “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

X: “It’s on recording, you madman! Thousands of people have heard you talk about it!”

G: “So I don’t have to again.”

S: “What kind of climbing or safety equipment do I invest in if I were looking for a centaur?”

K: “Well you can’t go wrong with the outdoors sex, or at least someplace you’ve got a lot of room for them to move or reposition in.”

X: “So how degrading is it if Skrat had to bring a stepladder?”

G: “Ouch.”

S: “Ouch, but fair.”

K: “I mean mostly for Skrat. Centaurs are very interested in partners in general, just because they can’t reach their entire bodies like we can. An extra set of hands goes a long way no matter how short they are.”

G: “Anything beats grinding on a tree or a pillow.”

S: “But what if the pillow was like, really hot?”

X: “And the pillow called you ‘daddy.”

G: “Then… my pillow is haunted? And that ain’t sexy.”

X: “Gruul, when you get home… I’m gonna send you another link.”

G: “Please don’t?”

S: “Please do.”

X: “For Haunted Pillow Sluts.com.”

G: “You know what? I take it back. Send it over. Cuz what the fuck?”

K: “Actually, can I get that too?”

S: “Just to get it off your bucket list?”

X: “New sponsor! Thanks from Slutty PIllow Tits dot com, promo code Green Game for a free pillow slut.”

S: “It’s changing every time he says it.”

G: “Yea, it’s a terrible ad read. This is why Loot Chest doesn’t want us.”

K: “Penis size though…”

S: “Yes, let’s keep talking about Loot Chest’s penis size!”

K: “Just to wrap up that centaurs are plenty big. If you’re not one of the more stretchy or large races… take your time there. Don’t be too intimidated, but be careful. And while we’re doing taurs, minotaurs. They are messy! That’s my biggest takeaway!”

X: “Guests in the front 3 rows will get wet?”

K: “The males put out a lot of juice. The females put out a lot of milk. There’s fur just about everywhere that was in my hair and bed for days. I understand why people haven’t settled on them as their go-to big dick species over humans. They’re a fuckin’ delight, but a smarter girl than I would ask if they’re worth the effort.”

S: “Hehe. Fucking delight…”

G: “But some of our listeners who are like… ‘Yea but I still want big mommy cow milkers…”

K: “Oh go for it. They love the attention. Must be something about having a lot of fur that gets you loving those rubdowns.”

X: “So not a lot left that I can think of… cuz we’re not talking hybrids right?”

K: “Oh I’d never. I’d be glad to try them out but they’re so uncommon and varied that you know how it is.”

G: “Not enough of a sample size.”

K: “Right right right. So lizardfolk! Very fun people. They have an incredible grasp on sex for pleasure, if you don’t mind that your partner has a tail and scales and all.”

X: “Can we shittily name this episode tales and scales? Cuz we keep saying that.”

G: “To confuse everyone? And bury the lead on our guest?”

X: “Yea. To shittily name it!”

G: “I’ll consider being shitty later.”

S: “So why are lizards the perfect lovers, Kee?”

K: “Well it’s mostly that they can’t get us pregnant. They can’t even get each other pregnant unless it’s the right season and process and everything. You just can’t accidentally have a fertilized egg. So sex itself is just companionship and feeling good together.”

G: “Lucky.”

S: “My gamper always told me sex was for making as many kids as possible.”

X: “My dad said it’s because it’s easier than cooking a casserole.”

K: “Important thing to note is harpies ARE compatible with us. Same general layout down there between the feathers, basic cum and ovaries setup so there you’ve got your usual infertility charms going on.”

G: “So how do they stack up? And did you go with a girl or a guy, cuz the guys…”

K: “Well the males are much bigger and scarcer. But that’s more for intimidation, you see. Being very obvious so you stand out in the sky to others.”

S: “So down there, uh…”

K: “Let’s call them aerodynamic.”

X: “Don’t want your huge flappin’ donger causing wind resistance.”

K: “Not a concern. Don’t worry. The females are something kinda special though.”

X: “Are these the legendary pillow sluts I’ve been hearing about?”

K: “What now?”

G: “He means the feathers.”

K: “Oh! Lord no. Not nearly as much of a mess or a bother as you’d think. They’re real lightweight, so you can lift them around like goblins.”

S: “We do love that…”

G: “Makes you feel like a big man?”

S: “Makes me feel like a baby so I can go ‘Wheeee!’ during sex and feel justified.”

X: “Oh my god…”

G: “Thinkin’ about Skrat doing it again?”

X: “No, I just knew a goblin chick who did that… weirded me out.”

K: “Well let me add that harpies are just natural cuddlers. Fluffy little ladies who will instinctively latch onto you when they’re done. They call it brooding and it’s absolutely precious.”

S: “So… is that it? All of the-”

K: “Oh no no! I was saving my favorite for last!”

X: “Orcs, gnomes, gorgons… ah jeez. What’s the acronym we’re supposed to use to remember all these again…?”

G: “It’s always changing.”

S: “And Pluto’s not a planet anymore!”

K: “You’re forgetting the yetis.”

X: “Ohhhh okay!”

S: “Everyone forgets the yetis.”

G: “Big white fluffy guys, yea. I knew a couple at university. Good dudes.”

S: “So wait? They’re the best?”

K: “Oh my good lord, yes! They’re huge and soft and fluffy and it’s like being seduced by a big warm blanket! Whole skin’s tingling when they get on me and then I’m just curled up in them and I can’t even bother not trying to fall asleep!”

G: “Who’d have thought?”

X: “So dragons and yetis are the most rare and wonderful pussy you can get?”

K: “Personally? Maybe. Again, gluttons are a delight, and humans, they’re your bread and butter right there.”

S: “You guys all fuck bread and butter too, right?”

X: “Ugh.”

G: “You got your lube and everything right there.”

X: “Ugh! You’re all disgusting.”

S: “OH!? Okay! So it’s gross when WE fuck our food…”

X: “Oh fuck you.”

S: “But when you’re like ‘I’m gonna go get laid instead of dinner tonight, you guys go ahead…”

G: “I mean I can’t blame him. You’d be surprised how many times I’m late to a meeting with you guys and it’s uh… might be Melee keeping me busy.”

S: “Well this is what our listeners… want? Our awkward sex lives.”

K: “Oh get over yourselves. Everyone’s sex lives is awkward. Some of us just learn to like it that way.”

​​​​​​​G: “So that IS everyone, right?”

K: “Yes. That’s my list.”

S: “If there’s more, she hasn’t fucked it yet.”

K: “Yes. Yet.”

G: “So where can they find you, Keena? You’re on The Stack Shack…”

K: “Yes! The shortstack show, it’s on… just about everything now.”

X: “Grown and sold at your local mom and pop podcast shop.”

S: “Oh can we make a show that’s called that?”

X: “Ok, but you have to be the mom.”

S: “Deal.”

G: “So we’ll post a link in the show notes, in case anyone reads those. You can get Keen with questions about who and what to fuck, or, y’know. Whatever’s on your mind.”

K: “Stack Shack, we like to say it’s about what life’s like down here. But please go ahead.”

G: “We’re podcasters. We crave acknowledgement and like buttons like everyone else out there.”

S: “Same, except I’m a goblin and a podcaster. So double that.”

G: “So shout out, comment, ask for more intriguing and embarrassing topics. We’ll see what we can do.”

X: “And if we’re changing the name of the podcast to drop the word ‘gamer’ out of it.”

S: “Normally I’d be all for it, but we would lose the triple G in our name.”

K: “Speaking of, have you guys heard about this Steampunk 3030 game? Because I’ve been having glitches like crazy…”

All: “OHHH!”

G: “Oh she hasn’t heard!”

X: “Oh fuck, this is like Christmas…”