The Green Gamer Guys Podcast

Sort of a rebound off an unplanned joke I used in Manasnax in the Ghetto Goblin setting. When I was writing about the app for dark elves, I was listening to a lot of podcasts as usual. The idea of it having podcast ads felt funny so I threw together an ad between the Green Gamer Guys, an orc, incubus and goblin who review video games. It was mostly a light-hearted jab at the Super Best Friends with some dashes of Game Grumps and My Brother, My Brother and Me in there, but the SBF are definitely the voices I’d imagine for them. 

Their personalities and opinions evolved, as most of my joke characters do, and a quick-paced script of them discussing their weirdest sex stories on a slow news week came to mind. It’s a lot more funny than sexy, but it builds up their world and drops some neat trivia about mermaids, driders and more.

The Green Gamer Guys podcast was a cult classic of sorts. It started out as a trio playing video games together online before they became real “influencers” in the online community. They’d landed ads with Manasnax and Gamer Gear and dropped merchandise when they were able, and between the downloads and everything, they were able to more or less live off their online presence.

Their gaming knowledge was enjoyed, but their characters were what shone through. Their diverse little group of an orc, a goblin and a male succubus (incubus was considered a date term in some circles so he tended to avoid it) brought in a variety of life experiences and their playfully clashing attitudes brought viewers back to meme them and wait for the latest inside joke to emerge.

Gruul Hyde was the brains and editor behind the whole thing. He was more broad and chubby than muscular, as far as orcs went, but he sported purple dreads and  a few traditional tattoos. Also a few non-traditional ones like the one of the Goon Squad protagonists.

Skrat Burbal was the everygoblin. Happy to be the butt of a joke, the lanky guy with the shaggy orange hair was game for anything. His interests were simple and he was there to laugh and have fun, pitching in on occasion with his own ideas or his talents with the actual hardware of the show.

Xataeus Loom was better known as Xats, or Hell’s Fury Xat on his Twitch stream. He was a fit and handsome green demon with a purple ponytail and thin moustache. He was known to ride on his good looks for so long that he came off as quiet or casual compared to the rest. His insight on being a sexualized demon combined with his  tendency to stream shirtless still won over his audience.

They were a fair way into their weekly episode when they came across the interesting twist...

“So… this is where we do the news,” Gruul noted with some hesitation.

“Yea, so… what do we do instead?” Skrat asked. 

“Yea there’s just no news this week. I’m as shocked as you are at home to realize that there is no shocking or revealing news about the gaming industry within a single week.”

Skrat: “I guess they’re all waiting on the big Elecon next week. Playing it cagey.”

Gruul: “Playing those cards close to their…”

Skrat: “Tits?”

Gruul: “I was thinking something more… metaphorically corporate.”

Xats: “Nah, it’s tits.”

Skrat: “Tits.”

G: “Okay, that’s two votes for tits. I am outnumbered. Fine.”

S: “Tits win again!”

X: “All hail Dictator Tits.”

G: “Okay then, smart guys. What do we do instead? You know the… the algorithms? The stats? They show that our episodes are best when they’re a nice and neat 3 hours or longer. Really cover those long commutes and shit.”

X: “I could say the fuck word as long as possible. Would that help?”

S: “ASMR: Xats says the fuck word to you.”

X: “Fuuuu-”

G: “Ok, no.”

X: “uuuuu-”

G: “Nope. Muting your mic.”

S: “Aw man. Now we’ll never know which fuck word he was gonna say.”

G: “The worst one. You know it was gonna be.”

S: “You mean fuck fuck?”

G: “Obviously.”

S: “Well speakin’ of fuck…”

G: “Am I gonna regret this?” 

S: “Nah, it’s what you think. I was gonna ask what’s the weirdest fuck you did.”

G: “Huh. A bold strategy. Hang on, getting a text...”

X: “Yea, I’m done. I just want to hear where this is going.”

G: “I mean… I’m with my girlfriend now. For like…”

S: “Oh do not get this wrong…”

G: “Seven years now.”

S: “Phew. Hope you’re right.”

X: “Facebook says it’s right.”

S: “Stop dodging the question.”

G: “What question!?”

S: “What was your weirdest fuck!?”

X: “Weirdest thing you fucked!”

G: “Hold on, now. Okay! The chat’s a fuckin’ waterfall of the fuck word right now.”

S: “The people want to know, Gruuls!”

G: “Well I mean that’s the past, man.”

X: “The past’s interesting.”

S: “Fun fact: the past has sex in it!”

X: “Gruul, are you telling me your girlfriend doesn’t know about your exes?”

G: “Doesn’t come up.”

X: “But this is an open and honest relationship you have…”

S: “Yea!”

X: “So why would she worry about you talking about past sexual experiences that have nothing to do with her. Which, as you said yourself, is in the past?”

G: “...you know the worst part about this?”

S: “Yes.”

G: “It’s that you’re both pretending like you care about my relationship more than you care about hearing my weird sex stories.”

X: “I’m wounded.”

S: “I’m tryin’ not to laugh cuz I was gonna say that.”

G: “You shithead bachelors know nothing.”

X: “Then teach us.”

S: “Yea! Teach us about weird fucks, clan brother!”

G: “Look… all I’ll say is that I dated a centaur.”

X: “OH!”

S: “Yeaaaaa!”

G: “And that’s all.”

X: “No it’s not.”

S: “Fuck yea! My big green bro got himself some horse vagoo!”

X: “No, you can’t drop us that morself of a story and leave us hanging.”

S: “This is bait.”

G: “You guys MADE me say that much!”

S: “But we want more!”

X: “Yea, Uncle Gruul. We want the deets.”

G: “...ok, this once.”

S: “Fuck yes.”

G: “And you all have to do the same thing.”

X: “Uh oh.”

G: “We are going in a circle. We are all sharing our deep, horny secrets, or I swear to god I’m deleting all our archives.”

S: “Oh he’s serious.”

X: “He’ll do it.”

S: “He’s got that deleting look in his eye.”

X: “Gruul’s a fuckin’ madman.”

G: “Are we doin’ this? Are we laying this out on the dirty fuck table?”

S: “Of course. I shake your comically large hand on it, sir.”

G: “Good because, Skrat, you’re going first.”

S: “Agh! Hoisted on my own spear.”

X: “Is that your weird sex story?”

S: “”Nah, nah. I know a guy who dated a doppelganger, and I hear that got wild.”

G: “Nope. No cop-outs. You gotta give us something that had you and your juices involved.”

X: “Not my precious juices!”

S: “Alright, alright. So I like tall girls.”

X: “Who doesn’t?”

G: “Yea, the fuck you think we are? Beta ass bitches?”

S: “Well I’m a goblin so it’s either that or I date fairies. But y’know, there’s big and there’s BIG. So I had gone out with an ogre for a little while.”

G: “Oof.”

X: “That’s big game huntin’ there.”

G: “Yea, no offense to ogres, but from what I hear…”

S: “Yea, size is a factor. I’m used to that.”

G: “Not just size! I mean it’s like hitting a brick wall when you get in there. Their bones are like concrete or something.”

X: “Actually, bone is tougher than concrete. It’s just the matter of weight distribution and density…”

G: “Yea, not the point.”

S: “So I mean we fooled around a little but only really got to the sex thing once before we ended up like ‘Yea, this probably won’t work out.”

X: “Beta bottom bitches.”

S: “I don’t know what to tell you! You know I’ve got those rubber band goblin guts, but there’s only so much weight you can put on top of me. That weight is apparently roughly ogre sized.”

G: “So how weird did it get?”

S: “Like we’d messed around with oral and fingering. I kind of knew what I was working with, and she seemed okay with… y’know.”

X: “Your pathetic goblin peen?”

S: “Hell yea. That one. Your words not mine, but yea. Like she’s got ridiculous titties. Like the size of me, puttin’ minotaurs to shame with just sheer titty mass.”

G: “Gotta have that titty mass.”

X: “Where else you gonna put that mass?”

S: “But like… I’m in there. I’m sexing. She’s getting into it, telling me ‘More, more.’ I keep going in, doing my little best. I’m up to the hilt, then balls in, then thighs are getting wet.”

X: “Huh…”

S: “I swear to gob I think I had like… most of my leg in there when she starts rolling on top of me. Cuz I guess she hadn’t been with anything but an ogre before...” 

G: “Oof…”

S: “So I’m buried in titty, half stuck in pussy, literally covered in bitches. And I mean, I was hard and all, heat of the moment but I remember having the thought of ‘If I live through this, I am gonna have a freakin’ complex or a major fetish.”

X: “And if you die, you’ll have died a warrior’s death. Just waist-deep in a woman.”

G: “You kid, but… as far as warrior deaths?”

S: “Ooh boy. History time with Gruul.”

G: “We just had some chiefs. Chiefs with tastes. Tastes they didn’t always keep in check in the old days.”

S: “So that’s how I almost wound up drowning or put in the hospital having sex. Who’s next?”

X: “Well Gruul gave us the centaur teaser.”

G: “Yea but we’re going across the studio. You’re next.”

X: “Is this some Daffy Duck bullshit you’re pulling where we tell our secrets and you bail?”

G: “Swear on my blood’s honor.”

S: “So come on, Xat. You must have had some crazy succubus sex or something.”

X: “Ohhh no no no. Other demons, yea, but you don’t do succubus on incubus. It’s… wasteful.”

G: “A waste of good sex?”

X: “I mean, kinda. Like I’ll fuck for fun but it’s also the main way we eat. If you fuck another mana-eater, it’s like barfing into your own mouth to try and feed yourself.”

G: “Oofa. That’s in my head now.”

X: “Good.”

S: “Xats, you continue to have a hand in all my worst thoughts.”

X: “When you suffer, the world suffers with you. Or it should. My legacy continues. So yea, I’ve been with a bunch of fuckbuddies. Most succubus will tell you that getting a loyal partner is the easiest way to keep yourself fed, but I’m like… nah. That’s not as fun. If I live in a grocery store, I’m not just gonna eat the granola bars.”

S: “That’s fine?”

G: “I guess. But you know what I’m not hearing?”

X: “I…”

G: “Your weirdest fuck!”

X: “Okay, okay! So I got invited to a drow party. And those can get wild.”

G: “I thought…”

S: “Yea, so… as our lovely sponsor Manasnax has established, dark elves are people who… sustain themselves on mana. Kinda like you.”

X: “Kinda. We need it for food while they need it like they need medicine. Or botox, sometimes. We need it, for them it’s just nice. Anyway, the way they do it is okay. Cuz they’re elves, they like, grow up on magic and live long enough to know how to do a lot of shit with it. This party takes place inside a planar bubble doohicky that just makes the dorm like a mana ball so we don’t worry about that.”

S: “Magic happened. Got it.”

X: “Which i mostly say because… I met a drider.”

G: “Holyyyy shit.”

S: “What?”

G: “You didn’t!”

X: “I did.”

G: “HOW did you do it!?”

S: “I’m missing something. Namely, whatever the fuck you guys are talking about.”

G: “So did you ever play those… the fuck am I talking about? You’ve played those old fantasy videogames they don’t make anymore? The ones that they say are super racist…”

S: “But we all love because it makes our species look like badasses?”

G: “Exactly.”

S: “Ohhh.”

G: “Yea, so remember those boss monster ladies who are like, half-spider? Titties on top, spider on bottom?”

S: “OHHH!” 

X: “Yup.”

S: “Gob damn, I would’ve have a fuckin’ heart attack, my dude! I didn’t know those existed!”

G: “So here’s my problem… I didn’t know the dark elves actually did that.”

X: “Here’s the funny part, Gruuly: they don’t.” 

S: “Huh.”

X: “Driders are not a thing. There’s no culty ritual or religious reason for them to do that. There was just one chick…”

G: “Huh.”

S: “One gross, crazy chick…”

X: “Who must have went ‘Y’know what? I think I’m supposed to be a spider. I drink people. I hide in holes slash dimensions. I like the color black. I think I’m a spider. BUT… I don’t wanna lose these rockin’ titties. And did some magic to herself to change her lower body into a fuckin’ giant spider.”

G: “So the titties were good?”

X: “Yea, titties were good.”

G: “But the real question is… howwwww?”

S: “Yea, cuz do spider girls have coochies? Cuz I don’t think the real ones do.”

G: “I mean, mermaids don’t because they’re part fish. They can do whatever else you want, but they lay batches of eggs once in a while. Cuz I knew a guy who-”

S: “XAT, DO DRIDERS HAVE PUSSIES?!

X: “GREAT question! Guys? I don’t know. I didn’t ask questions. I had no idea if this would ever happen again. So I found a hole that seemed to be in the right place and I stuck it in. Like any goddamn demonic-american would.”

G: “You’re a patriot, Xats.”

X: “Damn right.”

G: “You’re a patriot who once fucked a spider.”

X: “A spider with rockin’ titties.”

S: “Was it even good?”

X: “I mean… I didn’t do it more than once. ...after that party, anyway.”

G: “Well on that note… that ends our podcast this week…”

X: “NO!”

S: “X! Get ‘em!”

G: “I’m joking!”

S: “Give it to ‘em, X!”

G: “I’m kidding! I’ve got your stories.”

X: “Better be good, you suspenseful son of a warrior bitch.”

G: “Alright alright alright. So centaur, right?”

S: “Go on.”

G: “So they were like… y’know, big and all. One of the heavier species alive cuz y’know.”

X: “Of course we know. Go on.”

G: “S it was roomy. Comfortable, and only so many positions we could do safely, but it was nice. But… with all respect, cuz we live in a diverse-ass world and there’s a lot of types of people listening… she had both.”

X: “Both…”

S: “You were dating a horse dick!?”

G: “She was much more than a dick. That was what you might just call a bonus. And it was centaur dick, thank you.”

X: “I don’t think anyone’s going to be offended if we point out that centaurs have horse lower bodies and with them, giant retractable horse penises.”

S: “I WISH people would say that about me more often.”

G: “Not that I really did much with that part myself.”

X: “You heard it here first, people. Gruul loves horse dick.”

G: “Hey, my girlfriend does NOT have anything like that, and I did not say any of that.”

S: “Nah, but X did. You can take that man’s word to the bank.”

G: “And have it instantly refused because a professional liar’s signature is on there. So that’s not the weird part. Cuz I can say with a clear conscience and pride in tact I never took a horse dick in the ass. Not that… well, I’d say not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s probably dangerous as fuck takin’ something that big.”

S: “So where’s the freakmeat in all this?”

G: “So it wasn’t really about me… or really about me. Didn’t involve me as much as you think.”

X: “Boo.”

S: “Not humiliating enough.”

G: “So they jousted for me.”

X: “Pardon?”

G: “Turns out, that multiple genitalia is not absurdly uncommon in their kind. Probably something to do with being half of one species, they can have two sets more commonly than most species. And she had a friend who did too.”

S: “So by joust…”

G: “She had a kink. I was willing to roll with it like an open-minded and moral individual. Two ladies with horse lower bodies-”

X: “And horse dicks.”

G: “Basically wrestled for me. Had a sexfight.”

S: “Ugh. Those. Lame fetish.”

X: “Prude.”

S: “I’m from the smallest non-magical species with the biggest genetic inferiority complex. How much do you think I like these competitive sex fetishes!?”

G: “You gonna act like I’m done.”

X: “No, sir!”

G: “So they grappled around a while, then they go up on the hind legs and started just mashin’ junk together. Horse dick on horse dick, then just stuffing it in their horse pussies. Just tryin’ to fuck the other one into giving up. My girl ends up mounting the other one from behind, cuz some reason! I don’t know the details of horse dickfights. But she’s plowing the other centaur and asks me to get thee behind her. So I’m fucking her while she’s fucking the loser, and it was a fucking LOT to take in. Broke up for unrelated reasons later on. Personal stuff.”

S: “Cuz the crazy war-fucking centaur horse dicks isn’t personal. That’s public knowledge now. That’s on the internet forever!”

X: “So is me talking about barfing in my own mouth.”

S: “Mutual destruction. Well-played, boys.”

G: “Are we saying not to release this episode?”

X: “Nah, fuck it. I wanna see what this all brings out of people.”

S: “Mostly grossed out responses. Others who are like, ‘Hey…”

G: “Hey now.”

S: “Hey, maybe I should find me a centaur waifu who would have a dick-fight for me.”

X: “Or jizz silk all over my dick that doesn’t wash out for a day and a half.”

G: “Probably not a puss then, huh?”

X: “Probably.”

G: “Well. I hope you are all suitably horrified or aroused by our escapades.”

X: “Yea, if you’ve got a crazy freaky sex story, email us at GGGpodcast@email.email.”

S: “Or just me personally. I’d be interested.”

X: “And I totally won’t blackmail you. Probably.”

G: “I think I’m going to be very cautious about what I open on our email account for a while. But until next time, fanzos… keep it clean, keep it green.”

S: “But a little dirty, apparently…”

X: “We are BAD role models…”

*theme music