Patreon, R&P Q&A #297
Added 2024-12-11 22:24:55 +0000 UTC
Comments
yeah, it's a good one. For me the important thing is to be your own mental point of origin. "What am I trying to do(work on) here?". So when I answer a question did that go well, the answer is, "I did good with eye contact, but posture posture was poor" as opposed to "yes/no, I got a great/shitty response"
Op Sec
2024-12-16 16:27:03 +0000 UTCwhat is the point of this report? what have you messed up in? what have you learned?
Owning My Shit
2024-12-14 23:14:32 +0000 UTCwhat the fuck is a "codependent vibe?". you don't attract shit or any other of that gay stuff. you allowed him to act like that and so he did.
Owning My Shit
2024-12-14 23:13:11 +0000 UTCHave you read Day bang? It helped me a lot in the social animal stuff. With practice you'll find baits that more people bite and that turn conversations into interesting directions. For example, one favorite of mine is "When I was living abroad...".
Owning My Shit
2024-12-14 23:10:07 +0000 UTCYou cold try agree and amplify, but yeah, if she doesn't deserve it, I'd not even fog, I'd just walk away. You had the benefit of practicing though.
Owning My Shit
2024-12-14 23:08:31 +0000 UTCWife tried to pull me into a fight last night. Made several statements about a situation that had nothing to do with us and wanted to create dialogue surrounding same. Told her it had nothing to do with us and that I was not going to have the discussion. She proceeded to attempt to manipulate me into the argument, fog and broken record. She eventually huffed and puffed and shut it down, saying fine, some marriage we have, I’ll just mind my own business and you mind yours. I said I can see how you feel that way, I will just have to agree to disagree. funny thing is if her behavior had been good as of late, I would not have minded having the conversation, however, I didn’t feel it was apropos to reward bad behavior given the lack of intimacy over the last 45-ish days
Volare Alto
2024-12-12 19:08:24 +0000 UTCI aim to continuously improve my social skills. Fit the practice into my life. Three times a week, when I’m not lifting or fighting I’m taking a stroll around the park across the street from my house. I say at least “Hi” to everyone that I come across. I’m not worried about the response. I aim to say it well. Sometimes “Hi, good morning”, “Hi, how are you?”, etc.. When I go grocery shopping I’ll strike up a conversation with someone. If it has to be the cashier so be it, but I prefer a cold approach. It’s a win if I make an attempt, and usually someone does talk to me. Last approach, good strong initial hook but fizzled out. Boring. What do my better interactions have in common? Teasing. Ok, that’s what I need to work on now. Other times it’s been eye contact. Or better language. Last year, I had three work conferences. These are like bootcamps, I aim to talk to as many people as possible and make the most of them. From showing everyone a good time bar hopping, by gathering cool people and enjoying the time. I do it sober, it’s work, I’m there to practice and retain/remember. These have been step functions improvement. I visit my family a few times a year. Their job is to trigger me. One time I called my dad an asshole, and learned about calling your wife a cunt and losing frame. The last time they couldn’t trigger me, but boy did they try. Sometimes I had fun with it, and other times I lost interest in them. Now I have a better relationship with my family. The wife, I get the most opportunities with her.. Ok, let’s practice some of the vocal stuff, I learned from Owen’s free event, or eye contact, or let’s do some asshole shit (it no longer pisses her off, she just giggles). The gym. I’m there to workout, and somedays I’m dragging myself there. I let myself off the hook here. If I’m feeling good I’ll talk to people(dudes and chicks), if I’m not, then let’s just get through the workout.
Op Sec
2024-12-12 19:02:26 +0000 UTC71. Lessons learned Loosing frame to a mooch I met ‘Mooch’ about 4 years ago. He was the father of my kids friend. We saw each other often. I went to his house as my kid hung out there. To me it was an acquaintance that was a temporary friend due to logistics. He got destroyed in a divorce and made every blue pill mistake you can imagine. He latched on to me and another mutual father. Effectively zeroed out grasping at anything. Initially my nice guy (codependent) traits kick in. Same with the other father. We both try and help him and we get the same results. Example: We give him work that he shows up late for and has his hand in his pocket the entire time. I storage some of his things. Other dad gives him some money. (I refused to give money) We both are turned into tampons listening to his endless victim pukes. ‘Mooch’ loses all his friends, his family turns on him and I end up being the last resource he can mooch off of. I evade,avoid, make excuses. I act nice. I finally take his calls, and do tiney favors. I tell him directly: “you are a constant victim that blames everyone…. Step 1:get a job.. step 2…”. I give Standard advice and it is a Waist of time. I find myself getting mad and wasting brain space being a “save a hoe.” Final text event: Him: “keep me in mind about your storage unit.?I need to storage stuff by the end of the week.” Then ‘victim puke’ about his ex. Me:”no go on the storage. Sucks about your ‘victim puke.’ Good luck”. Him:” ok.. more no’s, more denials. That has been a consistent thing with person 1 and person 2 and family…” I block his number. Nuking him from existence. I spotted the manipulation and acted: He was trying to make me feel guilty for saying no. Unacceptable I think “Why am I allowing this person in my life at all. “. I owed him no response, no climatic blow off, no drama… I owed myself the use of the Block button. I learn: —-i am still telling the world I am a nice guy (co dependent vibe). And it attracts narcissist. —-Any victim talk is a relationship red flag and should be tested and acted on early. Language: “ she did this to me”. (Red flag) Instead of: “ I messed up and married her.” (Green flag) —-As I get healthier I need to fill in my time with my mission. The thought “get bent I am buisy”. Should come more natural to me. This thought is repulsive to mooches. (It is to narcissistic for them).
Cousin Eddie
2024-12-12 18:49:09 +0000 UTCField report 28 General LTR- 6 years (Age 30 both of us, no kids - engaged) Physical Current weight – 93. KG down by 2.5kg from last week- Fat down (-3%) Gym – On Track Emotional: I have not written a field report in a while. Things have been alright for the past 1.5 months. Sex life has been great, the missus has been pleasant to be around, and I have been leading in the ways I know how. I’ve been planning how I would like us to move forward, have kids, etc. Made up names: Me (Bob) Fiancée - Susan Last week Sunday, towards the end of a nice evening dinner, my mother raised a concern regarding my fiancée not being able to cook our traditional African foods in front of other family members. As soon as my mum raised this issue, I saw my fiancée start to panic: Me: Mum, Susan is feeling attacked right now. Fiancée: No, I’m not feeling attacked. Me: Yes, you are. I can see your veins starting to pop out. Fiancée: (Rolls her eyes) Me: Don’t roll your eyes at me. I know you are feeling attacked. Mum: Son, when you get married, I am not going to be cooking for you the way I used to. I am going to retire from the kitchen. It will be Susan’s job, and I saw how much you like to eat your African food. Aunty: What seems to be the issue here? Bob and Susan have not had any issues about this before. There are always restaurants if Bob wants to go eat some African food. Mum: No, I want Susan to come to my house and learn how to make the dishes for my son. Susan: Your son is African and I’m not. Why can’t he learn how to make the dishes if he wants to eat them? We should both learn to cook it. Me: Susan, it’s up to you if you want to learn how to make it. I would love it if you knew how to make the dishes. We have been going to restaurants to eat them if we want. I don’t mind learning how to make some dishes (the quick and easy ones) with you. Since moving out of my parents’ home, my mum doesn’t know that I now cook a lot at my own place, and I don’t mind cooking from time to time. Mum: Son, if you don’t eat African food, I am worried that you might go “somewhere else” to get it. You should be getting this at home. (Insinuating another woman) Me: This conversation isn’t going anywhere, and I don’t like the direction it’s going. There seems to be a miscommunication—(Panicking) Aunty and my Fiancée: No, there is a miscommunication between you and Susan (me). Me: I have not gone out of my way to tell my mum to bring this up. I don’t have an issue with this. So while we are here, Mum, Susan, I want you to say everything you want to say here in front of everyone. Susan, I don’t want you and me to be talking about this issue when we get home. Aunty: Listen, if I was in Susan’s position, I would be having a meltdown right now. Susan, are you okay? Bob, isn’t Susan a good cook? Susan’s mum and my brother: Yes, she is. She cooks great. Me: Mum, Susan is a great cook, and I cook a lot at home. When Susan is ready, she will come around and learn the dishes she wants to learn, and I don’t mind learning some of them too. Mum: Susan, this is coming from a place of love. Fiancée: I know, I know. I will come and learn how to. My frame was completely broken here. I couldn’t look my fiancée in the eyes. I felt guilty for the way I responded, and it looked like I was defending my mum rather than her. From Monday to Wednesday, the missus has been stressing and highlighting some key points: • Why don’t you know how to speak for yourself, rather than letting people speak for you? • Why did you bring attention to me by highlighting that the veins on my head are showing? • Why do you let people speak for you? I fogged most of these statements: Me: I see your point. I will keep an eye on these things for next time. I have been in these situations, and I didn’t know these things bothered my mother. Main takeaways: Learn to speak up for myself and don’t let (my mother, father, brother) or other people speak for me. In general, I know that I get triggered with food conversations, especially when we don’t have food in the house. I constantly have to tell my fiancée to make dinner. It’s not in her nature to take the lead to cook on days when I don’t. I often have to tell her before it happens. (I have not communicated this to her. Oh shit.) My observations are that when I’m thrown into a situation that I have been in before, I freeze (hard). Especially when it comes to family, I don’t use my attractive tools. I use them mainly with my fiancée, and it just clicked as to why she often mentions that I treat her so differently compared to others (FUCK). Lesson learned.
Cocky_funny
2024-12-12 18:41:38 +0000 UTCFR: * Clearly long distance is harder than I thought. But since I'm busy preparing for job interviews and don't want to waste time going out on dates, I'm fine with continuing this situation with the Indian chick. I also have a lot of sidebar stuff to learn as well and I think this girl would make a good sparring partner for me to practice. I see her more as a long-distance plate than a relationship. Once I change jobs I'll have more free time on hand and then I can break up with her to go back into spinning plates * She visited me last weekend and spent 4 days with me. Finally got her to orgasm; she was on her period and I wasn't offering much affection when she was here so she offered to give me a blowjob on Sunday night. I declined and said I wanted to play with her ass. She was ok with that but wanted to go clean up first. We used plenty of lube and condom and I started fucking her ass. She was also using the vibrating wand toy on her clit and within a few minutes orgasmed. She then blew me until I nutted on her tits. Tuesday I took time off from work and we hung out the whole day to smash and play some video games. Tried the same anal + wand combo and got her to orgasm again. Later we fucked again in the afternoon this time in her pussy, later she took off the condom and blew me again until I nutted. She wasn't fazed that I had some blood stains on my crotch. We showered together and played video games until she went back to her city that evening. * She's still on good behavior and even more physically clingier now. She wanted to come visit again in 2 weeks. I told her my onsite interviews are scheduled for mid-January and I won't be free to hangout for next 4 weeks. She was a little disappointed but offered any support I want from her.
Ban Mido
2024-12-12 17:37:07 +0000 UTCThe one thing I'm seeing consistently in your report is that she doesn't give a shit.
Op Sec
2024-12-12 17:30:16 +0000 UTCTake action and write about the action you took. Too much of this is a diary entry(navel gazing), or a new years resolution(future tense). The one action you took: > I’ve contacted the main guy with connections to all the jobs in my local area It's not much, but build on that.
Op Sec
2024-12-12 17:28:02 +0000 UTCPre-ordered the book, looking forward to reading it tomorrow. Spent past couple months recovering from bronchitis. I was concerned about balancing time spent recovering vs going to the gym. I took two periods of a week off each when I was at my worst, but thankfully, I was still seeing progressive overload when I went back. I’m mostly recovered now. I had one-itis for my ex. I broke up with her last January, but was angry with her and thought about her pretty much every day. Most of that anger went away during the fall, but these past couple weeks were the first time I felt like an idiot for wasting so much mental energy thinking about her, which affected me from pursuing other priorities. The gym habits are on lockdown. Right now, my main priority is transitioning from the sabbatical. I’ve contacted the main guy with connections to all the jobs in my local area and will be talking with him over the next week. I’m most likely going to have to go through a training transition period to get back up to speed. While it’s going to be a little more effort on my part, the sabbatical was worth it for the long run because I wanted to recover from the burnout and spend some time doing other things besides working on the career.
lemon
2024-12-12 16:15:26 +0000 UTCYes, I haven't handled my shit. No, I'm not putting it someone else. And no, the validation post doesn't apply to me anymore. There is no act or special requirement for sex. I've gotten out of her head when it comes for sex. But, it focuses the issue. I'm not attractive enough, and my wife has decided she wants to generally be a frumpy mom. I've put up with it, which is on me. I still don't want that, and I am not Nice Guying it up with begging/wheedling. At the same time, I can't change her or expect she'll change because therein lies the covert contract again. She has other health related issues that she isn't addressing that make intimacy more difficult. I'm sure it's because she has her own covert contracts related to the family. Again, I can't fix them. So at what point do you throw in the towel? That's where I am now. I haven't done catch and release for a year or so. So rusty. I didn't mention my plans to restart since that's just a New Year's Resolution.
CovertContractAttorney
2024-12-12 14:31:59 +0000 UTCPay attention to what the fuck your doing and why. How did you handle the shit you got about wanting her to chip in? Treat yourself and your time like it has value. Right now you are treating yourself and your time like they are worthless and giving them away. Like you have nothing better to do. When she says something about not feeling good about the dr's appointment, why give encouragement. It's not your job. It's probably not what she was looking for either. She is treating her time as valuable, but wants to think she's a good person. So looking for acknowledgement that she is doing something for you. The power dynamics playing out there is that you need her for this. The one who needs the other the least has all the power. oh and all that stuff covert said is spot on.
Op Sec
2024-12-12 14:14:25 +0000 UTCIt looks to me like you haven't handled your shit and that you put it all on the wife. Getting ready for a divorce, not a bad step, but I doubt you are ready to file yet. How is your catch and release game? See if this applies to you. https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/ab7vt5/validation_needs_that_can_poison_your_sex_life/
Op Sec
2024-12-12 14:05:20 +0000 UTCNice latent / pre-latent anger phase. (I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on a latent anger phase, but that's only because it's almost Christmas.) Why did you invite your woman to a date night? Why did you give her encouragement if you're needs aren't being met? Can you pick out the covert contracts yet?
CovertContractAttorney
2024-12-12 05:38:12 +0000 UTCLet's start with the second most important thing first. My firm had its holiday party Saturday night. I invited my wife, and she accepted. I live a good drive from where the party would happen, and I decided to rent a hotel room fairly close by the event. It was pricey, but I splurged. I got my parents to watch the kids and the dog that evening. My wife complains about not having anything to wear but ends up buying three dresses from Amazon. One looks cute. I wear a suit that barely fits due to my weight loss over the last year. Put a pin in this but I of course build a covert contract in my head about having a sexcapade of some sort in my head about having space without the kids and dog. On the drive up, my wife mentions she needs workable underwear for the evening, asking if we can stop at a store to get something normal. She's embarrassed to ask, saying I'll take it the wrong way. I tell her something along the lines of "It's okay dear, I'll buy you something skanky even if you're embarrassed." Covert contract builds on the drive down. I tell myself that she's not that way. We stop at a department store, and she does buy something practical. I suggest something I would like, specifically mentioning it would make me happy. She still gets something practical. I get angry. I recognize my anger over a covert contract regarding her getting sexy underwear. I STFU, stewing in the store about my stupidness for falling for the covert contract. I eventually get called on my stewing/STFU, and I agree and amplify rather than owning it. In the moment, I decide agree and amplify was better to try to salvage the evening for later. I don't engage much pre-event, reading WISNIFG as much as to deal with my assertiveness with my wife as with my work situation (to be discussed later). We go to the event. I have a blast, hanging out till the wee hours. We go back to the hotel. I imitate but no dice that evening. Fitful sleep. Early next morning, initiate and I get her off, practicing dirty talk from SGM. Then sort of smash. I go hate fuck but she's just off her cycle and pushes me off to take a moment after lying there not really engaging. I decide to just paint her ass. Day proceeds from there. Since the weekend, I've stewed on the lingerie/sexy undie situation. In my mind, the medium is the message. I want to be with someone who wants to please me in that way. That ain't her, at least not with her now or her with me. The why is unimportant. I've obtained recommendations for family lawyers in my area so I can conflict them out. Next step will be to schedule meetings with them to confirm my estimation of various practical issues and, again, conflict them out. What sucks is that my sister has planned a destination wedding with my wife and I in some important roles. Navigating those issues over the next several months will be annoying but doable. I'll be giving my boss the heads' up so she doesn't put my up for partner, that way I can avoid further salary increases/going for partner. As a humblebrag, I'm getting a significant automatic salary increase that I can't turn down this fiscal year--it's ironic that I'm at the stage where I seriously consider turning down raises due to being an adult. In the interim, I'm doing the scorched earth playbook. I'm taking care of the house to my standard. I took care of Christmas for everyone of everything. I'm handling housework and everything else. I went to a bar tonight to do work. I came home and didn't engage. Moving onto the first most important thing: continued work on assertiveness with my opposing counsel/case from hell situation. I heavily re-read WISNIFG this week to buttress my frame issues at work. The chapter on Fogging/Negative Inquiry was especially illuminating after dealing with the opposing counsel from hell. I recognized multiple instances where I let the counsel's town/wording cause fight/flight responsiveness of a child rather than an assertive adult, where the tone manipulated me. Coming back to these chapters with fresh eyes cements the better way to handle the opposing counsel. The biggest difference I've noticed is that I'm not running away from the e-mail communications. The month prior, I would avoid reading the other side's emails, deferring to another attorney on the case. I didn't want to see how they challenged me. Now, I just look, process, and move on. It's a rudimentary thing, but no criticism from the other side ultimately matters because they aren't the judge of me, the boss of me. I should have always realized that, but I hadn't. As described in WISFNIG and your sidebar serious of this key chapter, I retreated to a form of depression because my frame was weak. Going through this was important so I could forge the better frame, but it still sucked, and it sucked hard. Weight, down another 4 lbs. Staying on the generic Ozempic till 190lbs to 200lbs depending on look (another 25 lbs to 35 lbs). Finding clothes that fit with my current body look is easier than my fat ass days but not super easy because of where the weight hangs. As mentioned during a stream, Santa is buying me two new fitted suits for Christmas. Finally, for navel gazing purposes since it's that time of year: It's odd going back to old streams to see how you handled things then versus now. You've grown up--not that you were young to begin with, but the difference is stark (Take the backhanded compliment Couch). As always, it's also strange/cringey to go back to my old stuff to compare. But, the sadder part is how as much I've taken many strides forward, I'm in the same sorta general place. I think it's because of a soft or more long-term dancing monkey regime (4 years v. 2 years). I thought I'd dealt with the routine before, but the way I've handled certain things over the last few months indicates otherwise--especially with the WISFNIFG backtrack I mention above. Whatever.
CovertContractAttorney
2024-12-12 02:53:35 +0000 UTCFR #5 MAP: Grind balls to the wall until the end of 2025, then revaluate what I really want out of life. [Bear mode] Goals: 1. Weigh 172lb. by the end of Winter 2. Weigh 184lb. by the end of Spring Currently 160.7lb [School/Work] Goals: 1. Graduate in the Spring with Business Degree 2. Use Degree to secure a government job by Fall Working 60-65 hours between both jobs. 3 classes, Week 7/8, All A's [Finances] Goals: 1. Save $1000 for an emergency fund by the end of January 2. Pay off all CC debt ($8000) using the snowball method by December 2025 Christmas shopping is putting a hold on things for now, but I'm selling my biannual employee stock next month, which will fund half of my emergency fund. [Social/Game] Goals: 1. Get comfortable opening everyone 2. Practice opening then teasing women 3. Cultivate as many options as I can No change here. [Relationships] Goals: 1. Destroy all Covert Contracts 2. Figure out what my boundaries are, then enforce them 3. Stop being afraid of my wife's emotions 4. Increase Dread Got shit when I invited my wife on a date and waited till the last second to let her know that I wanted her to chip in on it. Should've been more upfront from the start or just not have gone altogether if I knew I didn't have the money for it. Also, it was during shark week, which was brought up by her. I already knew this, so it should've been in the back of my mind anyway. Also, I don't even know why I'm taking her out if she hasn't done shit to deserve it anyway. So I just ended up nuking the complaining with "you can just stay home if you want to," and we ended up going out and having fun. Her and the kids I have been sick for the past few days, so I've been helping with the kids more when I can. I provided firm encouragement when she had thoughts of not feeling well enough to take the kids to follow-up Doctors appointment. I would have brought them myself, but I didn't have time between working and sleeping. Provided comfort when I got compliance on that. I've noticed how effortlessly flippant and more aloof I am with the bullshit I receive when I'm focused on doing things around the house and getting more shit done in general. It's like I'm literally too busy to be bothered to give a fuck.
Aqua
2024-12-12 02:51:39 +0000 UTC
