Patreon, R&P Q&A #253
Added 2024-01-10 19:43:23 +0000 UTC
Comments
@will Hmm… actually I am not sure where conflict avoidance comes from.. fear and a need for validation, maybe… As for the tools, probably WISNIFG? Reading that again and NMMNG again sounds like a good idea. They are the sidebar fundamentals after all.
Am I red yet
2024-01-17 21:48:59 +0000 UTCWhere does conflict avoidance come from? Where can you learn tools to deal with conflict?
will zill
2024-01-11 22:24:21 +0000 UTCWhat are you going to do about it?
will zill
2024-01-11 22:07:05 +0000 UTCYes, very far from an abundance mindset. You’re 100% correct on the internalized toxic shame
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-01-11 21:57:37 +0000 UTCHow many times a day are you initiating? How are you going with separating sex and intimacy? Are you a fun and charming person around her aswell? You say you look attractive. If she isn't fucking you, its because you act unattractive. Yet nothing in your field report hints at this. Why conceal it? "she just got a taste of the validation and dopamine fantasy land lifestyle while whoring it up on work conferences and it’s hard to compete with that excitement with the daily mundane routines of family life with 3" - Wrong! Its not even a competition when you have "functional family"! Not some "super strong family unit BS" Get comfortable with 1 the kids don't belong to you! 2 you turned your wife into a hoe! no sense initiating a divorce until you sort out your trash behaviors. But judging from the way you write, your emotions will get the better of you.
will zill
2024-01-11 21:47:03 +0000 UTCThanks Barbarian, those are the practical steps I need to take. Cheers man
So Woke da Wookie
2024-01-11 19:50:59 +0000 UTCthanks Stripper, I appreciate it.
So Woke da Wookie
2024-01-11 19:50:05 +0000 UTCThx barbarian. The the opaque finances is by design but has always been her biggest complaint. However, since day 1 of marriage I have always insisted on keeping separate finances which has worked well. I have always felt that my car wash biz and personal finances were just that, personal. We keep a joint account for all marriage expenses. I guess when I say strong family unit I mean that we all hang out and do many things as family as we are very active and involved family. Kids have no clue the moms a hoe. Yes I a scared if the D. I’m afraid she will be a vicious cunt and that I need to pre negotiate settlement with her prior to it blowing up while I still have a modicum of leverage. I have several biz deals I am in the middle of and am not in a position of strength enough for scorched earth without screwing some of those up. If I can get those buttoned up and tie up loose ends I would be more comfortable.
Volare Alto
2024-01-11 19:35:20 +0000 UTC@will yeah true. I guess these are bad because they are all about me trying to manage how she feels. I would say conflict avoidance is the biggest motivator for me, with the other stuff sprinkled in
Am I red yet
2024-01-11 18:51:12 +0000 UTC@ban https://checkout.stirlingcooper.com/products/ugpa?utm_source=SC_prodpage&utm_campaign=Checkout_launch&utm_medium=ugpa_link
Am I red yet
2024-01-11 18:45:51 +0000 UTCTrue. For the first girl, I'm not too concerned as I'm in the right general direction (getting matches, more successful first dates, 2 plates) For second girl, I agree the date went too long (about 2hrs), especially as she kept yapping a lot. Also as I take on more stuff on my plate, with work, gym, hobbies, I'm becoming more cognizant of the attention & time I give other people
Ban Mido
2024-01-11 18:40:35 +0000 UTCYou have an open on her end marriage. And dishonesty. Opaque finances. Poor communication. And you don’t like each other. Opposite of her being in your frame. How is this a strong family unit? You are afraid of divorce (covert contract.) find a lawyer immediately. Why are you scared of her? Why six months for scorched earth? You can’t operate on your terms today?
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 18:37:46 +0000 UTCI'm just laughing at that exchange with the girl. As others have pointed, you're feeling bad and being incongruent with your "fuckboy" persona because of some nice guy traits. Review and consciously apply those concepts. Could you link the Sterling guide?
Ban Mido
2024-01-11 18:33:04 +0000 UTCLots of jargon for someone who doesn't fuck. Fear of abandonment Internalised toxic shame These are you hurdles. Until you sort these out your just larping.
will zill
2024-01-11 18:32:17 +0000 UTCMaking your own way (your own business) naturally will put you in this state. You’re swimming with sharks. For me I have to be very conservative with other other arrangements. Decade or decades of fu money saved in safe investments (safe investment is a whole other rabbit hole). Think of it as a keel on a boat. The larger the keel the more you can take risks without turning over. On other side to this coin is how much you spend. Simplify life means one can take more risks. Less anxiety. Does one need a steak dinner habit? If you have a massive keel and you still feel threatened then you need to get introspective on why.
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 18:27:20 +0000 UTCLike @ Erik & stripper I am having difficulty letting go of the family aspect with our 3 young kids. Even though she is a shitty wife and demonstrable hoe, she is a good mother and we have a super strong family unit. Per last questions from last episode, I do not have scorched earth plan in place and will need at least another 6 mos to make preparations for one. I think she would be very nasty in divorce as I have decent multi unit car wash biz that she is not familiar with. This is a common complaint of my lack of transparency with the wash businesses. My only leverage is the shame factor you always mention about them wanting to save face. I have evidence of her with multiple plates that she would be ashamed of unbeknownst to her. Also you had asked if I am fuckable. Good to go there. Super fit/cut, dress well, good work out plan, orange belt Krav Maga 4xweek, good social skills. I have not yet started spinning any plates, but have been more flirtatious with woman in my sphere with good initial feedback. I would love to have sparring partner at least but she is all but dead. No engagement whatsoever, too deep in emotional affair with long distance plate in Connecticut is my belief. Funny that before learning of dread, one on my main tools was STFU. That’s also one of her main complaints is that I have zero communication. We are in a pretty big stand off phase since last sex in October. She is basically like a Roomate passing in the day and night now as we co parent. Thus far has not been noticed by kids as there is no fighting or open disrespect. Just zero emotion. Which they likely sense. She just got a taste of the validation and dopamine fantasy land lifestyle while whoring it up on work conferences and it’s hard to compete with that excitement with the daily mundane routines of family life with 3 youts. “Did you say youts boy?” Lol. I know on 1st show I posted on you mentioned a link for CAD? But I was not on live. Can you list that again? Seems like that may need to be the content I need to explore further. Or any other advice for a dude with 3 kids and a hoe wife lol. I do know a main thing I could work on is mental point of origin.
Volare Alto
2024-01-11 18:22:55 +0000 UTCDisclaimer: been awhile since I dated. The only thing you did wrong in date 1 is trying to figure out a woman. Think of them as cats. Keep working on you (like your house revamp as you said). Keep putting yourself out there. You are the prize: mm. Second date: usually you test throughout the date. Kino. Hold her arm while crossing the street… see how she reacts. Then go up or down on the escalation. Short answer: kiss earlier. The awkward kiss escalation at the end has high failure rate. Also might want to do shorter dates. Test. If kino does not escalate then end it earlier. You might be giving them to much of your attention (your value) Have a backup plan if date ends early: go to a bar, meet friends…
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 18:17:58 +0000 UTCAgreed and thanks for the insight
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-01-11 18:10:54 +0000 UTCCars: I don’t have issues with cars. Enjoying cars…. But when someone gets into cars to solve a problem such as sexual market value. It is outcome dependent. Women sense that, compensating… They take advantage…. Same for other topics: dress, gym, hairstyles… This is just discussion, not related to your field note.
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 17:58:06 +0000 UTC* On Friday, met a 30y/HB6 for a drink. More of the freestyle game with elements of cocky-funny, push-pull, kino. Got some ice cream (she paid for them) and walked back to my place. Tried escalating but she resisted. I pulled back, tried again after a few minutes while watching TV, still resistant, pulled back completely. I remembered your quote from last week's call, "point of game isn't to sleep with her, but to be fuckable" (I'm butchering your words but I get the gist). She showed a lot of interest though; asking to listen to my favorite songs, paying for the ice cream, offering to drop me home after I walked her back to the bar where she parked her car. She went home that night, texted the next morning thanks for the good time. I texted we could go out again next week, no response and she unmatched a day later * I'm not too sure where I messed up. Probably some incongruence somewhere. Also my house is bit messy as I'm currently in the process of cleaning the whole place and rearranging stuff. Could've turned her off * On Tuesday, went out with a 34y/HB5, a tall woman in heels. Kept it light, flirty, strong eye contact. Kino'd from the beginning by having my arm across her shoulder on the bar couch. I thought my game was exceptional the way she was talking and laughing; turns out she can't seem to stop talking. She barely asked me anything. Half-way I got bored and considered cutting the date short; I've reached a point where I can be picky with who I want to spend time on. Got her talking about some of her sexcapades. Went and got some ice cream and took her back to my place. We were at my place by 9PM. But 5 mins in she said she was tired and needed to go home. I told there's some time and kissed her. She kissed back but repeated she was tired and needed to go home. I consciously reminded myself again that the notch doesn't matter and to avoid any validation seeking behavior. Walked her back to her car and told her to let me know if she's free next Monday. She texted when she reached home saying thanks for the fun night * Should've kissed her on the couch when I sensed a spark. Her non-stop talking threw me off slightly. I think that hesitation to escalate at the right time is where I made the biggest mistake
Ban Mido
2024-01-11 17:34:10 +0000 UTCHall pass: I hate to break the news. She might have had her own pass and given you one to deal with her guilt. Friends: focus more on doing things with other men. Not talking. That could resemble bar hopping, softball, magic the gathering tournament… Tea parties,coffee , talking is more how women meet. You are deering. Every example you listed. You are training her to behave poorly. Try “interesting.” And stfu. Big dose of scorched earth is what you need to implement. As stripper points out. You fix things as you see fit. She does not approve: there is the door. She unleash her Emotions …. “Interesting” is your reply. The man usually will be the financials prudent one. If not you will be in debt. That is all on you. See a lawyer: you are afraid of divorce. Covert contract you need to break. You have allot of work to do.
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 17:29:55 +0000 UTC@Barbarian Boring doesn't come up. It's my own concern for myself. Mental point of origin. conversation tactics was shallow and basic. Sometimes remembering principles is good, sometimes you need something deeper. Good/Bad for what? Yeah, I like rsd as well. Rich reminded me why I love convertibles. A warm sunday morning, out on an empty highway with the top down. Few things are that destressing. Totally agree with you on 666 plan, king of betas. It's how I started. Reminded me to add one more section in the report. I see this king of beta mentality everywhere. It's kind of funny, how manipulatable people are when you praise their beta ness.
Op Sec
2024-01-11 17:28:06 +0000 UTCSounds like conversation tactics is not good? Or was it good?
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 17:13:15 +0000 UTCI agree with stripper. Rich’s advice rubbe me wrong as well. The 666 plan (extended to be captivating). Is all dancing monkey stuff. King of the bettas. I like rsd Tyler or Owen? Red head guy. Be present, pump state. (Bring people on an emotional roller coaster). You could be doing anything. Tv, grocery shopping, driving…. Rich advice is good for men that need a simple plan. Make money, fast car… But in the end it trying to impresses, it is for bettas. (Bottom 80 trying to be top 20). When boring comes up. I analyze and it always goes to: logic, problem solving, controlling, not present, not knowing and embracing the vibe/tone/atmosphere. Outcome dependent. Working to achieve a goal. Having a goal. Heavy vibe, deep in thought (future, past) All these things are at the core of masculine. And they lead to being boring. Ooda: Spot, labble when you think of yourself as a bore. Then embrace being present…. Outcome independent…. See what happens.
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 17:12:15 +0000 UTCHey Rian, The 30 year old is loads of sexual fun. I literally cannot remember when I felt so sexually serviced before. For days after her booty calls I wonder will I every want sex again. Well it lasts exactly 48 hours and then the desire is back. I am cold approaching chicks and hitting the OLD platform to make use of my total lack of thirst and see how that impacts my plate spinning. On another note, I have noticed I am very sensitive to threat - implied, perceived or worried about. Also, hyper sensitive to criticism - i immediately go to worst case scenario. I have a couple of hypers in my personality and have some ways of coping: Hyper Vigilance, Sensitivity and Excitability. This is sensory, dietary and has psychological parallels. This can manifest in work and relationships. It's like I need a thicker skin but at then same time on a sensory level I get a lot of pleasure out of it and the Hyper vigilance always leads to professional opportunity - it's just unpleasant. I take things very seriously and have often be described as intense. I know this is the area that is really holding me back. It's the intensity that's burning up my energy and then I say shit way to honestly. It's fucks up my options. STFU has been no end of help. But now I need to be more "out there" to cultivate options for myself professionally. In work threat is implied and/or hinted at. I called out the founders on it recently and they totally backed down. "Oh, don't take us seriously when we say that". I broken recorded on my points. And said it was unacceptable. Then they'll say share your load with the team - but the team leans back on me. What I am interested in here is how to avoid the sapping of my energy when I feel under threat. I have to admit, if I were to change roles it would be the same in any new role. This reduces my ability to give less fucks which I know is my key to power in my 2024 vision and mission. I see people have had my number on this. They use it on me - because nothing else really works to control me. Because I have taken a relatively independent career path - I do my own thing. But when I am in (relationships or companies - I go all in) its like a compulsive behaviour. . I want to change this. I presume boundaries and increasing my options are the key - any thoughts would be appreciated.
So Woke da Wookie
2024-01-11 17:09:28 +0000 UTCThanks Stripper.
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-01-11 17:08:43 +0000 UTCAll good points. I have used stfu on similar stuff in the past. She keeps ragging on me while I sit there. I have used strippers suggestion and it works well. I have not complied. Not got up an go to table in this example. It causes a fight which is ok. The example I posted technically was a deer. It is nuance to me (maybe it should not be nuance). Remapping her shitty narrative did seem to work. She took a pause and rethought it and moved on. I was surprised by this. Her “you are …”. Me, “no, I am … and there is the door if you don’t agree”. Then ate lunch. It worked. I have used it again and same results. Sometimes she will try and continue the nagging and then I stfu. Or walk away with the sandwich. (In this example). But the subtext has to be on point: I decide what I am not you. But all your points are good and I will take note.
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 16:45:00 +0000 UTC@barbarian. No she doesn't want a kid. No I don't think it's moving too fast. The relationship is working for me. My fruit is mostly bananas, but I don't eat much of it. @stripper. Thanks. Good feedback for the toolbox. I use negative inquiry in business. It's a great tool if you're being attacked by somebody or accused of something. I learned that trick from an old boss who was amazing at sales. Another tool I got from him was flipping the script. For example, if you fire somebody you might want to say something like, "You may be surprised by this but...". It's better to say the opposite... this shouldn't come as a surprise to you. If you think something is expensive and you're selling it, dont' say... "You might think this is expensive, but..." Better to say... "You may be surprised by this low price..."
Dave
2024-01-11 16:23:30 +0000 UTCBack after going Rambo… Background: 32 year old co-dependent nice guy in a dead bedroom (duty sex every 4-8 weeks). Been with wife for 11 years and married for 7. Have 1 kid together. Wife “gave me” a hall pass which I liberally used like a blue pill beta. I now realize I was sleeping with these other women, not for my own pleasure, but primarily to make her jealous in the hopes that she would realize what she was missing out on and that she was taking me for granted. A revenge fantasy if you will…”take that you ungrateful bitch, I’ll show you.” I assumed my wife would magically become more attracted to me and start to fuck me like I wanted. I assumed this all while pretending to work on the other areas of my life… my MAP. I basically wore “Alpha” as a skin suit. Eventually my Wife revoked the hall pass over the summer and I whined and pouted like a little bitch. Essentially I was blue pill cheating with a massive covert contract. Current Situation: Still married with same dead bedroom. Not seeing any other women, though several women I saw occasionally reach out asking to hook up. There are no issues around rasing our kid and no issues with either of our immediate or extended families. What I’m doing: Deciding what I want and creating a new MAP free from covert contracts. I’m re-reading the side bar while commuting on the train M-F. I re-read NMMNG and Praxeology Volume 1 Frame. I just bought Praxeology Volume 2 Dread and will start that soon, thanks Couch. I’m back working out consistently and started tracking the food I eat. I’m trying to talk to people I meet who share my interests as I currently only have one close friend and a brother I’m not too close with. I suck at initiating social conversations and finding stuff to say, though it’s relatively easy to talk about what other people are interested in once they drop conversational clues. Taking back control of the finances and focusing on getting rid of our credit card debt from excessive spending is my main priority. I let us get into debt by not leading and setting hard financial boundaries. At one point there were 3-4 random boxes of crap getting delivered daily, each coming with their own justification as to why they were necessary. The biggest issue I've had since re-starting the sidebar is outcome independence and establishing myself as my own mental point of origin. I’ve been trying to mentally get over my wife and not put her up on a pedestal. I remind myself to focus on her actions, not what she says she will or wants to do… like having more sex but then making the excuse that she has low self esteem and “needs to work on herself first” or that she “can’t focus” when she has so many things on her mind, or that there are chores that need to be done. I keep reminding myself that she’s not fucking me, so go do work to be more fuckable and give her the first crack at my libido but not sole custody. I also know I’m afraid of her emotions which leads me to attempting to keep the peace, mainly beause I’m afraid she’ll get mad, develop a grudge, then get fed up and over time eventually leaving me, cheating, or both. — I need help with the recurring situation below: My wife usually asks me to do a specific chore or fix something every weekend I’m off. I don’t mind a few requests now and then, especially if it’s something I know I would already do as the husband like fixing a sink or car maintenance. What bothers me is she keeps track of whether I get the task/project she asked about done and if it was completed within the time frame she arbitrarily sets. I tell her I prioritized project X or Y first, and I haven’t forgotten about it, but that it just won’t get done when she initially wanted it done by. She then makes a comment about how little time it should have taken to complete [to which I’m tempted to say “then why are you asking me to do it?”] and implies that I’m fucking around all weekend not doing shit. I usually use broken record reiterating that I will get to it, just not on her time frame. Occasionally she’ll wait a week or two and bring it up in a conversation. I tell her the same thing, that I have my own priorities and often have projects leftover from previous weekends that I will prioritize finishing first. This will push her thing down my list of shit to do. HER: “You not getting my few small tasks done makes me feel like you don’t care about me, that I don’t value her, and that I don’t respect her. ME: “I can see how you would feel that way, I’d probably feel similar in your shoes.” or “I’ll keep that in mind the next time you ask me to do something around the house.” HER: “It’s not like I ask you to do that many things, I don’t know why you can’t get what I'm asking you to get done, done. You have plenty of time to do it.” ME (USUALLY DEERING): “I do care about you. I am working on catching up with projects I've put off for a long time. Once I finish these more time consuming projects I’ll have more time to handle things that come up or help you out.” HER: “This is why I don’t ask you to do things… because there’s always something else that’s a higher priority than the simple stuff I ask you to do…” ME: I usually STFU, but sometimes add something like this… “I understand your frustration. I’m not attempting to ignore or disrespect you but I have a lot of my own personal priorities I need to take care of, all which directly benefit our family and not just me. Once I get these handled, I’ll have more time to help you out when I’m free.” HER: ….left feeling like she’s not being heard and upset she’s not my #1 priority. On one part, this seems like textbook female manipulation, choreplay, and her putting me to work (betaization process). On the other hand I also realize I am very slow at understanding the Red Pill concepts and these requests could be a standard part of a healthy red pill marriage, but they simply fall into the bucket of beta provider qualities. When my wife asks me to do something I immediately get on the defensive and assume she is trying to assert control and dominance over me, which could be my issue here. This might also be a shitty comfort test or a blatant shit test I’m too dumb and spergy to pick up on. I might also just be overthinking this, and a simple solution is to make sure her things get done, then move on with my weekend focusing on my priorities. This approach seems like I’m further operating in her frame. I should note we both split cleaning duties and I’ve already been through the process of establishing I will do my portion throughout the week in my own time and to my own standard, which she is starting to reluctantly accept. What do you all make of this? Any insight is appreciated.
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-01-11 15:32:26 +0000 UTCI have success with catch and release, then I get an ego about it, makes it hard to approach and then I suck, then I realize I suck and then I have success with it again. The cycles are dying down slowly. e.g. I was at the gym, thinking that I was shit, and asked a girl how her workout was, she pulled out her earbuds to talk to me happily. Most approaches aren’t even deliberate. I'm being a social person. I’m worried that I’m boring. Once all the Christmass stuff died down. I’m back to working out, judo, work, eat, sleep. “How was your weekend?”, meh. Funny enough, wife asked me to do an activity with her. Something about how all we do together is have sex. I was already thinking of things to do and she could join me, but this is a new level of investment. Something that a year ago she wouldn’t do with me when I asked. I get the sense that vulnerability is important, but not in the sense of spouting your retarded feelings all over someone. Approaching is a form of vulnerability. Flirting is a form of vulnerability. Initiating with your wife when you don’t know she will say yes is a vulnerability. Spouting this shit on the internet is a vulnerability. It’s like the whole point is to kill your ego, or at least kill the identity that you make up and instead base your identity on action. I finished reading Conversation Tactics which I saw on MRP. It was very basic principles on when talking to people. Some good, and sometimes it’s like listicles expanded to whole book. Near then end he tells you to stay hydrated, to which I couldn’t help but laugh. I've been scaling parts of my life back. My office has about half as much shit in it as it used to. So much easier to keep tidy and less mental clutter. I either choose to care about something or am done with it. I've been throwing stuff away left and right. I've been finding it easier to concentrate and spending less money because saving is something I care about.
Op Sec
2024-01-11 15:20:05 +0000 UTCThanks Barbarian! I like the cliff analogy, so true.
ErikTheRed
2024-01-11 15:11:33 +0000 UTCI think you are close. > If they don't behave like humans then I duck out and do my thing. Try this mental model. You are doing your own thing, they can choose to participate or not. Also to Covert's point, that stood out to me as well. It's common in most of your reports. She's made you lunch and is solipsistic(center of her world), everything she does is performative, chicks act like beta males(well beta males act like chicks) so it's also a covert contract. You aren't going to be able change any of that, nor would you want to, assuming you want a feminine wife. What you came back with was you wanting her to understand, she won't, and never will. Not only that but by engaging you reinforced the behavior you don't like. When she nags you like that next time, try not reinforcing it. > I replied in normal tone; doubtful > “I don’t like that you do … you are this … ” yeah, I get this from time to time. They are trying to figure out how to behave. Her "Let me nag him, oh he justified himself to me, good I'm still top dog, I can still push his buttons" When you say "ok", it's like a lazy fog. Anytime you engage, anytime you give attention, it's a reward. "Ok", maybe another "ok" if it is needed, and after that you tell her to stfu or just leave. Your attention is valuable treat it as such. Not something you give to bad behavior. Ignore tone focus on content. She made you lunch and you paid attention to nonsense. That's why you might say "Thank you". Nonsense isn't in your frame. Also, are you using social media for external validation?
Op Sec
2024-01-11 13:20:02 +0000 UTC“I was not expecting lunch. Ty. I was doing what I wanted, and it is fine.” — deering. Try “ok” next time. Or “cool .” Or “thank you” only.
CovertContractAttorney
2024-01-11 12:35:18 +0000 UTC“I am not looking for a one night stand.” Stfu. Don’t say a word. First to talk loses. Don’t ever show anyone your phone you don’t want to. You are your point of origin. Be a mystery. Stfu. When you get better you can implement agree and amplify: no, I am texting my harem! I just posted a dick pick on grinder. Got to go soon…. Fuck her. And her manipulation. Destructive force? Toxic thinking. Get that out of your head. She should thank you for the cock pounding! You are the prize. Keep posting. Keep working.
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 07:08:40 +0000 UTCHmmmmm… sounds like you want a pep talk for what you already know: Here you go: You are describing a hoe. Get as far away from that as possible. she is not in control of her own actions, her emotion are in full control… can’t keep her finances straight, loves the emotional rollercoaster of new boys.. a teenager. This is not a crossroads. It is a sign that says cliff ahead. Do not take the bait.
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 06:57:12 +0000 UTCIs this new relationship moving a bit fast? Does she want a kid? 70: 30. Diet to working out. Maybe even 90/10. Protein and veggies, be carful of fruit. Drop it if possible. I wear a continuous glucose monitor. Great diet coach.
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 06:46:21 +0000 UTCI did that a lot. I get over things quickly and don’t hold onto past problems. It’s a good attitude for living but it can have a downside. I had to constantly remind myself to remember the bad shit too so I wouldn’t get burned by the same bullshit.
Dave
2024-01-11 06:36:34 +0000 UTC42 Social animal, dealing with nagging and the holidays bridzilla behavior. Social animal New movie project this week gave me a chance to reach out. We are meeting and playing a tabletop rpg ( Fiasco, for Indi rpg enthusiast.) So, the movie project is covertly doubling as a game night which acts as a separate point of contact. It is taking time, mainly because I operate at half speed, but social groups are forming nicely. Many of the people I invite are very grateful. My gut tells me most middle-aged men are isolated. Certainly, they are not asked to do creative projects very often. I have only gotten good responses Opening In a script writing book the author says to elevator pitch your film to strangers. Basically, an opinion opener. “Hi, I am writing a movie can I get your opinion. pitch 1, pitch 2 pitch 3. Which movie excites you. Why… what about this…” End by swapping socials. I did this on my IG stories and got a lot of dms. But I aim to do it in person (future tense.) Added walkie talkies to my arsenal of social animal props. I give the kid a walkie when we go shopping. That way she (9) can run around the store, and we have fun. Me from the other side of the supermarket; “did you find the pasta. Over” her; “I can’t find it” me “Ask that person you’re standing next to.” …talk to them. “can you help my kid get organic pasta, without kidnapping them…lol” Also added a cb radio to my van. Working on creating a fun driving environment. It is a great way to keep up social animal muscles. Spinning negative narrative I was sick (cold) and playing a mind-numbing video game on the couch. Relaxing, being sick. Unknown to me, the wife made lunch and called for the child and me to come and eat. I was in the middle of a game that had no pause. She started yelling, "lunch is ready!" I responded that I would be there soon. 5 minutes later I got there. Her: “I don’t like that you do … you are this … ” I replied in normal tone; “I was not expecting lunch. Ty. I was doing what I wanted, and it is fine.”stfu. The vibe/tone/mood changed to less hostile, and we all moved on to eat. Analysis: She basically said I was bad. I said I was being whatever I wanted to be and that was just fine. The subtext of my response (tone,body language) , which was far more powerful than the words, is I am happy with how I live my life. There is the door if you don’t like it. She dropped her nagging. Dragging a woman to a good time I threw Christmas eve the way I wanted and refused their help. We had a great laid-back time. The women were stressed out as they normally are during holidays/bdays. Rp point: The neurotic women in my life are becoming accustomed the fact that I wont tolerate bridzilla behavior, they are starting to have a good time and relax. If they don't behave like humans then I duck out and do my thing. And I am clear and honest with them about it. "you are creating a zoo. I don't like zoos..."
Cousin Eddie
2024-01-11 06:25:51 +0000 UTCwas there a link somewhere you mentioned a few weeks back for you sharing your book(s)? we been smashing a bit lately. yesterday went twice in one day (which haven't done for a while). mostly just been raw dogging and going in/on her ass or stomach. last night, eat her out, eat her out, finger ass, then raw Dogg, cam on her stomach, (couldnt make it to her mouth) her: didn't want to go on my ass? me: I couldnt make it, was having too much good times grabs towel and snuggles in morning she wanted another go - round3. (fuk me .... how many head jobs are too many) however time wise it was getting a bit late. we fool around a bit her: its getting bit late and we gotta get the kids ready me: yeh it is (thank fuk) lets smash tonight lots of banter and keno etc. (might be at peak of hormonal cycle) in prior week she been shit testing about me always wanting to do anal and says she "doesnt like it" and she's not a homo and that I should go out with a man or something along those lines. I just fog it off. prior week I got stuck I my head. I find I tend to do this on off weeks, and go into her frame. "what will she think if I do XYZ" (go out by myself, go out to gym, go do a hobby / activity by myself) , I don't want to annoy her. delay going out and doing stuff or stuck in my head thinking about "what if/how "she" will react" her: you always selfish and get to do whatever you want etc me: yeh I do. met up with my new activity buddy at beach , we keep in text contact and try to schedule another catch up
Fez
2024-01-11 02:59:03 +0000 UTCAt least your touching grass now! You are a classic nice guy! Start from the beginning! Reread NMMNG and use it to navigate your current experiences. Focus on your Validation seeking behavior, Conflict avoidance, Covert contracts and Internalized toxic shame. "She tells me, she does not want to have a one night stand. " "“Yeah, sure” and turn my phone to her, so she sees " " “I guess, then I am sorry”. Not really feeling sorry for texting, but that she seems hurt. " "I am confused and unsure if I actually should go and start getting dressed while asking like four times if she really wants me to leave" Here are some of the obvious issues I found in your report. Do you know why they are issues?
will zill
2024-01-11 01:00:09 +0000 UTC@Dave. Very true I am making it hard, and I should keep moving forward. I wouldn’t say I’m not over her, more just not over having the happy family together, but this is a fantasy. It wasn’t a happy family, and I wasn’t happy, however it’s easy to forget all the bad times and just remember the good ones.
ErikTheRed
2024-01-11 00:33:04 +0000 UTC@Stripper. I totally agree, and also believe if I did go back the thoughts in the back of my mind would make me very resentful. Thanks for reaching out, I’m really glad you’re back! Take care bro.
ErikTheRed
2024-01-11 00:29:25 +0000 UTCYou're not over her and you still like getting validation from her. Stop cock teasing yourself. You're so vulnerable to being talked into doing something really stupid. You're like an alcoholic trying to stay dry at a New Year's party. Just leave the party already. Getting back together "for the kids" is usually a bullshit line and that's you rationalizing a bad decision. It's hard because you're making it hard. You can make this easier if you really want to.
Dave
2024-01-10 22:52:14 +0000 UTCI read the DiCarlo Escalation Ladder post which was pretty helpful 10/10. I also read Rollos articles on Plate Theory, connecting some dots. But he is actually hard to read. Many big words, for my small head. I did see the date from last FR again. We went to a Bar. Talked and made out in the bar. I was too timid and she actually was giving me loads of hints to first sit closer to her and then kiss her. I need to be bolder. Will try to do DiCarlo with the next girl. Anyway, it went from “You are not coming to my place” to “I can’t believe I am considering it” to “I can’t believe we are doing it. But we are not having sex.” to having sex (I brought the viagra lol). But things took a weird turn: First she asked me what I was looking for. She tells me, she does not want to have a one night stand. I said, “I am not looking for a one night stand, but I am also not looking to settle down on the second date.” Which hopefully was non-committal enough. I just watched your red pill coffee video on plausible deniability, and I really want to avoid that and the issues that could come with future faking etc. And Rollo writes in his Plate Theory to be honest but in an indirect way. I am unsure if I could have handled that better. The next thing was that she told me a lot that she is anxious about having sex. When we were laying in her bed she told me that she never had sex with anyone before. At this point I am considering getting out, as it seems to be a big deal for her. But then did continue anyhow. But as we are both so inexperienced it really was the blind leading the blind, which was awkward some of the time. Then the next day I came over to “watch a movie and sleep in”, we watched some Netflix and then made out and had sex. Afterwards she went to the bathroom and I looked at my phone and returned a text from a friend. She comes back and asks me “Are you texting your girlfriend?” in a playful way. I say something like “Yeah, sure” and turn my phone to her, so she sees me texting this person with a male name. (Unsure why I did show her the phone, doesn’t feel right recounting it now.) She asks me “Are you seriously texting your friend right now?”. She no longer sounds playful. I stop texting and ask her “Is it really that big of a deal”. She nods. “I guess, then I am sorry”. Not really feeling sorry for texting, but that she seems hurt. She then asks me: “Did you just come over to fuck?” I am at a loss for words, hum and huh a little and then ask: “So what you are asking is if I am only looking for sex?” She then says “I can not do this right now. Can you leave?” I am confused and unsure if I actually should go and start getting dressed while asking like four times if she really wants me to leave. And then I leave. She texted me a day later asking if we could meet and talk, she wanted to explain herself. I said sure, but it needs to wait, as the cold I was having last week got a lot worse. I am not sure what to make of this situation. I am anxious if this is going to come back and bite me. Notes on Stirlings Guide: I definitely liked it. It is of course not a magic fix, but it connected some dots for me. I do not regret buying it. Things I especially liked: It has no fluff. It applied a couple red pill things to this issue specifically. Outcome independence, mental point of origin, focusing on your own pleasure. Which helped put these mental models to work in those situations. “Fuck myself out of a funk”. Which for my personal situation is, I think, getting some notches under my belt and becoming “a guy who fucks” in my head. The “Selfish pervert frame” was probably the thing that clicked the most for me. Allowing myself to be aroused, allowing myself to enjoy the girl's body. My plan going forward is to try to “Fuck myself out of a funk”, applying the new mental models and also eat a little more after his recommendations and user L-Arginin. So far I noticed an improvement for my erection while using viagra and hopefully will be fine without it soon. Let’s see. But after the encounter described above I did some reflecting. I think some of my mental issues around my erection are that I am not always interested in sex, but the validation that comes from it. Feeling like I am now finally valuable enough. That something that was out of reach so long is now achievable. There is a person here that thinks I am good enough to have sex with. And it does not matter what I think about them. Just their validation makes me feel desired, powerful, worth a damn. That's kind of fucked up. And she probably does feel used because she could pick up on that. Makes me think I need to do something different. Or I’ll just be a destructive force in women's lives. But why do I want to avoid being a destructive force? Because I don’t want to get myself into trouble by leaving women worse than I found them. Because I don’t believe I can handle the trouble. And why get into useless trouble? I don’t need to make my life harder than it is. I'm too neurotic, right now. I need to get back to the gym… Man I am starting to feel like I am not looking too good in these reports lol.
Am I red yet
2024-01-10 21:40:13 +0000 UTCFr 24 So just when I thought I would have nothing to write about this week my ex wife called me yesterday. She wants to break up with her boyfriend and get a quiet house in the country together. She says her values have changed and she wants to start fresh together focus on raising our family; because of the way I looked at her at our kids Christmas concert. She thinks our marriage failed as a product of our environment. I didn’t say much, mostly just asked questions to try to understand her, ironically it didn’t work, I still don’t understand her. Wants to buy a house with someone she’s barely seen for a year, based on a look a few weeks ago… wtf? This is the pattern I’ve noticed. I don’t understand why she does it. - October 2022, right after our separation. Takes a trip to back East, wants to get back together after returning, hooks up with a guy two weeks later. - January 2023, asks me to move back in and be exclusive. Starts secretly dating a week later. - April 2023, asks to go to counselling together. Starts a relationship with another guy a week later. - July 2023, asks to move across the country together and live a simple life. Starts a relationship with another guy a week later. - January 2024, just got back from Vegas a few days ago. Wants to buy a house in the country together. Usually when these things come up I don’t give them much value, I mean now that I’ve typed it all out, it sounds fucking ridiculous. My son has been really depressed lately and I am pretty sure it’s because of the separation. The only reason I would get back together with her would be to have my kids full time and raise them in possibly a better environment, but that’s hypothetical. I mentioned in my last FR that I don’t really feel love or anything the same as I used to. This has trickled over to relationships, women seem to all be about 90% the same, remove Jane and insert Sally, it really doesn’t matter that much to me. So last month we had to dissolve and separate the kids’ RESPs because my ex was in debt and needed the money, she also no longer contributes to the fund. I still contribute the max amount, because it’s important to me to give my kids the option to go to post secondary if they choose to. It didn’t piss me off or really surprise me, I guess mostly opened my eyes and kind of made me sad, that she was in that much debt to take the kids education money, but still booked a girls trip to Vegas. I know this FR is really “she” heavy, but I was really struggling with this one. In the moment I almost said, yes let give it another try. Now that I’ve typed all this out it’s clear to me that her words don’t match her actions. I believe she just wants to use me to buy her this simple life fantasy, and I don’t think she has my best interests in mind. I’ve worked hard over the past year building my life, and building a good amount of savings. Yeah it sucks paying child support and alimony, having to live in your parent’s rental property in order to get ahead, but is it really that bad. Last night watching a movie with my girlfriend, she gives me a bj and I finish in her mouth, life’s pretty good. I look at the product of my marriage, it changed me as a person for the worse. People used to ask what happened to me, I had gone downhill so much and I didn’t even notice at the time. I look at the product of my situation now and I’m better than I ever was. Of course after writing this I came across Mids Watch 90, Taking a wife back after she crosses the line. This is almost exactly my situation, replace his cancer with my severe depression and gas lighting of course. I am using my kids as a shield here. Not so much as loss aversion, as my disposable income is higher without the ex wife, so what am I using them as a shield for? I think maybe it’s that juvenile programming that I need something to fight for, some kind of drama in my life, some kind of self sabotage, “so I really work harder in the gym”. I’m not positive and I really need to think about this one more. I honestly think I’m scared of getting my life wrong. When I come to these crossroad decisions in my life I’m scared of looking back on them thinking I made the wrong decision and regretting my life. I think I already got this marriage wrong and to think I can walk back into it as a different person and fix it is delusional. I know what I need to do and it’s move on with my life, but it’s so much easier said than done.
ErikTheRed
2024-01-10 21:15:46 +0000 UTCFitness – All good. 3 workouts, 3 runs last week. Diet – I was down 6 pounds from my peak of 226 at the end of December in less than a week. I think wheat, beer and sugar made me bloated because I shed that weight a lot faster than calories burned. Cutting wheat, sugar, alcohol and dairy from my diet have always made my body operate better. Red pill talks a lot about working out, but less about diet. My $0.02… Try a strict clean diet for a month and watch how much better you feel. Keep it simple… protein, veggies and water (coffee/tea OK). Fruit between bigger meals is fine. Don’t eat after dinner. Throw in a day of fasting each week. You’re going to look better, feel better and function better. Lawyer – My ex-wife filed a court motion in December which her lawyer informed me of last week. I engaged my lawyer this past Monday and had another consultation (mostly him getting the details/facts). He’s not bothered that I sat on this for a few months. I like my lawyer. He says it like it is. For example, he talked about getting a business evaluation but added those assessments are mostly garbage. He’s right from my experience. The fancy lawyer recommended the same thing, but he didn’t add his experience to the discussion. Ironically, I just had a valuation done by a professional as I am looking to purchase/merge with a couple smaller companies. Interestingly, Chat GPT nailed the values of everything. Girlfriend – Had a comfort test last weekend. She wanted me to come to her place on Friday night (she lives an hour away) and I said I’ll think about it. Come Friday, I told her I was staying home so I could go for a run and workout the next morning and get some shit done. When I came out on Saturday she was upset, and so I talked it out with her over dinner. I told her my time with her is valuable to me, but my time with me is also valuable and that sometimes, I need to put my needs first. She said she felt that she was more committed to the relationship and vested than I was. I told her that I’m sure you’re concerned that I don’t post about us on social media and that you haven’t met my closest friends yet (they live 4 hours away), but I can’t rush that given my situation. She was amazed that I ‘just knew’ and brought up the issues (i.e. social media / friends) she had in her mind. She asked me three times on the weekend how I knew exactly what she wanted to talk about. She’s pretty direct and blunt for a chick, but even at that, they prefer to have their minds read. She said I have also done this a few times before with her. Lots of sex was had on the weekend. I think she had some tears after I had exhausted her in one session. That’s not the first time. I’m dominant in bed and during the act, I slap her, bite her, hold her down and give a bit of choking. When she’s done, I give her comfort (e.g. hold her, rub her back, etc…). Seems to work.
Dave
2024-01-10 20:04:15 +0000 UTC
