Patreon, R&P Q&A #237

Stats: married, working, no kids yet, in my 30s Goal: be a bad ass dude enjoying life with lots of friends and have a happy wife / happy family (happy because they are orbiting a bad ass dude). Interestingly, I probably have some covert contract that I will get to f* lots of women after bettering myself, but that ship sailed and it's MRP for me at this point. I skipped the 'man whore' stage (Glover's term) and became monogamous pretty quickly about 10 years ago, and have been monogamous since. Recent actions: Physical pillar: I joined a weightlifting/powerlifting/MMA type gym In addition to keeping mostly on track with Calisthenitcs: - 100 push ups daily - 40 BW pull ups daily (assissted and unassisted) - Lower extremity / hip mobility and BW squats (goal = 100 daily) I added in 3x weekly supersets of: 5x5 - Power Clean - Front Rack squat - Push Press (overhead) Wk 1: I progressed from bar only, to 65lb, to 75 lb Wk 2: I moved too quickly to 90lb, regressed back to 75 lb and will continue building more slowly (lbs) For context, I'm getting back into lifting after a few years off (past PR was high 280s squat for reps, high 280s DL). Never was very good at benchpress, 150s - 180s PR. Style /Fashion: - Started wearing cologne most days - Found a new haircut place, closer to being a stylist than barber, might want to let my hair grow in a little. Hobbies: - Took more golf lessons - Can now adequately use irons, driver, sand wedge, and am starting to learn culture / rules of playing rounds of golf (beyond driving range) Mental / Emotional Pillar: Going through NMMNG. Breaking Free Activity #8: Moratorium x 1 week Being smart. Having a pleasant, non-threatening voice. Looking unselfish. Being different from other men. Being a good lover. Being nice. Never offending anyone. Note: These really characterize my nice guy traits well. Hard to get too far from, but refreshing to have tried x 1 week. Breaking Free Activity #11 (plan a solo trip): This one is very hard to even think about trying. I feel like my wife would immediately think I was going off somewhere to cheat on her or that it would implie I don't love her.... Actually, I once did this a year or two back and it precipitated my wife feeling really upset. We are still pretty codependent, but I think we are 'working on it' somehow (ex. , me woking on MRP self betterment). No planning done yet for any solo trip. (Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible. Use this time as an opportunity for self-observation and reflection. Keep a journal. Practice good self-care. Take along this book and spend time doing the Breaking Free exercises. When you return home, observe how you are different and how long it takes for you to begin returning to familiar patterns.) Assertiveness: There have been long standing problems with trash collection and noise nusiances that I just didn't complain about for months to my building's management because of...lack of asssrtiveness (and lack of prior response by them). Masochism is real, and I am probably a recovering masochist, along with being a recovering Nice Guy. Hate to say it, but I'm working on it. Despite recent months and months of me letting it slide, I complained directly to the person / people who could actually do something about it and at least one of issues was actually resolved fairly quickly. For outcome independnce I had decided that I have 365 days for them to comply (term of my lease) and that I can put with the bullsh*t for that time period, or I could choose to spend the money to break the lease if the situation was too insufferable at some point. Believing these and armed with a few other mental models motivated me to communicate the requests.

WG

Same as the guy above

Owning My Shit

Part 2: TL;DR: gf got pissed that I didn't tell her day of that I would be traveling internationally in Dec for 11 days. I tried to play it off, but ended up blowing up on her. She can't come with bc she's undocumented in this country and when I told her that's not my fault she said I could help her by marrying her, but was upset that I "don't want to help her." Full version: After we talk business at lunch (I'm considering contracting her for her marketing given her professional experience) I casually mention that I bought tickets yesterday to travel internationally for some dental work in December. She gets mad that I didn’t tell her the day before since we were together all day. If I didn’t tell her that what else am I not telling her? She tells me everything that happens in her life so why wouldn’t I tell her this. All her words not mine. Last time I traveled internationally for 2 weeks she cried several times because she said she was going to miss me, didn’t like the idea of me being so far away, doesn’t want me to get used to us being apart for so long, and when I came home my place was decorated with balloons, candles, and she had prepared a fairly elaborate meal for me. I initially laughed that she was so mad about that, tried to pull her into me, but she was pissed and distant. I DEERd and it didn’t go well. She started crying. We left and I lost it in when we got to the street. I don’t even remember what I said to her, but it wasn’t pretty. She said something about the reason she was upset is because she can’t come with me (she’s undocumented and can’t get back in if she leaves the country). I said that’s not my fault. She said if I married her she could get status, but I don’t want to “help her out”. She’s brought up the green card marriage twice in the past year. Last time we talked about it I said I would possibly consider entertaining the idea of marrying in 10 years, but that I am not promising anything. She said she would pay me. I declined and said that if it did come to that she would just need to pay for the iron clad prenup. I don’t really want to get married, but travel abroad quite a bit and would be nice to have some company. Anyway, she cried again. I told her if she didn’t like the way I was acting she could leave and then pulled attention and affection. Eventually she is apologizing again and again, sitting on my lap, rubbing my dick as she apologizes. I’m genuinely pissed and when she keeps asking if I’ll forgive her reply honestly that I need some time. Can anyone help me make sense of this. I think the citizenship angle is part of my appeal, but should I care? It’s def part of my appeal to her under the broader umbrella of security and lifestyle she gets being with me, but idk how much.