Chapter 135 - 9 Gaw (Interlude: Rathos):
Added 2020-09-22 20:36:13 +0000 UTCThoughts on a title?
Also, do the characters seem off to you all? My editors says that something is just wrong. Please comment.
Comments
That's not really what i meant. the problem wasn't that they said sensible information it's that they said common knowledge like if nobody knew about it. its like if you were in a bar and said to the barman "you just served me a beer". it doesn't serve any purpose and as such it doesn't make sense for it to appear in a conversation.
guipe
2020-10-01 21:55:02 +0000 UTCMaybe the Kitsune don't feel the need to keep it a secret before the relatively so much weaker ppl. But it does feel off. It feels like it just spins the different strings together, but doesn't continue them, I think.
sb3n
2020-10-01 20:39:36 +0000 UTCI guess I kind of agree with your editor, Since some answer seems to be forced. For exemple: "Only half our number are pregnant. He must do his duty." is a very strange sentence to say as for the kitsune since the only person who would need to know that are the people from the city or the reader. Honestly, the beginning of the chapter was pretty much on point but the end (beginning when the kitsune first land (why aren't they with the rest of the army?)) made me cringe a little.
guipe
2020-09-23 03:46:56 +0000 UTCThings that are off: 1) The kitsune believe that Quasi can hide from them to the extent that they won't even try (Quasi != stealthy) 3) Quasi being fine with the bracer off, even running Away from a horde of hot kitsune who want to jump his bones 4) Rose is a typical "good" side character noble in this chapter, she is having insecurity about Rathos leaving instead of actually doing something and having everyone else dance to her tune like she is wont to do 5) Rathos is an apathetic side character in this chapter... 6) This whole chapter is pretty much the prologue for the next chapter Opinion: You made each one of the characters involved a main character, but now that they are meeting the main, main character they are becoming side characters Recommendation: Write each point of view separately before combining them whenever the stories intersect instead of writing as one piece, I am going to guess that it will actually be faster that way.
Gavriel
2020-09-23 02:47:51 +0000 UTC
