April 29, 1992

"There was a riot in the streets, tell me where were you?"

I'm not proud to say, but I stayed home. And the next day. 

And the next day.

"I have work to do." I kept waiting to feel better. "Surely, tomorrow I'll wake up and feel better, and I'll get back on track." 

But I didn't, so I didn't. And again and again.

And it's not just a feeling; it's a complete exhaustion every single day, all day. It's the overwhelming sense that nothing I do matters, nothing good can last. You can know intellectually that those things aren't true, but still feel them. And it hurts the people around me (you guys included!) and I feel guilt about that.

The Pandemic shocked us all. I'm still reeling from that, we all are. It's still going on. I was barely starting to recover and garnered the enthusiasm to rally models and writers to get the mag going again. Going out and about, exercising, driving around in the sunlight, meeting people at shoots or events, and socializing are some of the few things standing between me and depressive episodes like this.

And then, the video of the white woman calling the police on that black man in the park came out. And then the video of George Floyd's murder came out.

And just like that, everything got worse again. Make no mistake, I 100% support the Black Lives Matter movement. I do. These are necessary growing pains for the human race. But that doesn't mean the conflict has not further aggravated my depression. 

At first a lot of people on social media were calling for white allies to stop promoting themselves and promote a black-owned business instead. Then the tone changed to calling white allies to action, to speak up.

So I felt I needed to be silent for a while. It went on a little too long. It's my own fault, and I'm sorry. 

Seeing so many of my friends and peers protest for justice made me feel proud for a while, but I was still afraid to talk about it on here in case I alienate a secret alt-right fan base (?) that may or may not exist. And like... what a stupid, selfish thought.

Because you know what? If that's you, I don't want you here. I don't give a fuck. I want to build a real community, a real viewership/readership with people who like what we do and what we represent and come back for more, I can't have cantankerous racists in my ranks.

And I don't want to minimize the issues of systemic racism or police violence, but there is a lot more at stake here than meets the eye. If you're white and you think this doesn't affect you, please understand the right is losing their grip on reality, for real-real. I'm fucking terrified of my countrymen. I have the strong feeling that this country's divide is going to get worse before it gets better (and that is the only way it's gonna get better.)

I guess I thought I was playing it safe here, shying away from taking a political stance (although systemic racism is a global human rights issue, not a partisan line item) but everything I do is inherently political anyway.

How can I advocate for women without advocating for women of color? How can I advocate for models and sex workers without railing out against racism? How can I be devoted to understanding and truth without speaking openly against racism, bigotry, and the capitalist machine that's killing us?

So please be advised, SWAYMAG will be openly anti-racist and progressive from here on out. If you don't like it, you might be part of the problem. Life is not all fun and games and nip slips. We have to fight for the right to continue to enjoy these privileges.

All this to say: I'm sorry for the lapse in posts. I'm attending my first peaceful protest on Sunday and will be catching up on content over the next couple days (back to your regularly scheduled programming!)

As a reminder, your pledges here are enormously appreciated and all go towards helping me:

- get out of student debt from my undergrad (!!!)

- cover business expenses like wardrobe, equipment, props

- pay models, writers, etc. fair compensation

- get into grad school (UCLA PhD program, here we come!)

- and eventually move into a position to make real lasting change in this weird world (via clinical research, becoming a professor, offering private scholarships for the underserved, and organizing non-profits.)

A lot of people are promising to donate "a portion of proceeds" or whatever to support the cause, but I'm not doing that. Peddling my business using the guise of  'raising funds' for a social cause never sat right with me...

Instead, here are some links you can use to donate directly to benefit the protestors and the Black Lives Matter movement 100%. I love you and appreciate you all, thank you for your kind hearts.

BLM: https://secure.actblue.com/donate/ms_blm_homepage_2019

Bail Funds (by area): https://bailfunds.github.io/

Some smaller & more focused funds: https://nyulocal.com/where-to-donate-your-money-and-time-to-help-protesters-ef2727d7a9d2