57. A Conundrum of Hate and Anger

-Alright, Silika. Focus. You can't just want it to move; you have to want it NOT to be there.- Jade signed.

I focused on the small black rock in front of me as hard as I could, but nothing happened. I let out a sigh.

-It's not working!- I complained.

Jade looked perplexed and turned to the bishop for help. 

Mili was also in the room, but she had succumbed to the summer heat and was snoozing in the shade of a bookshelf a few tables away.

The bishop explained something to Jade with a calm expression before motioning to me.

-It isn't that the blessing is not working. The blessing works. The issue is that you think it won't work. Anger creates misdirection and turns into frustration. You must stay calm if you want to direct your hate properly...-

After she repeated what the bishop said, Jade thought for a second before continuing.

-Think of it this way. Imagine the Ferrous stone is a boy. If a boy is annoying you, you have to look unhappy, but not get angry. If you have an outburst, or worse, give up, he will just do it again!- I looked up at Jade, confused.

-Is that how it works? I just punch them.-

I didn't have much experience interacting with boys at all, so it was more confusing than anything.

Jade's smile became crooked.

-It is how it works.-

I let out a sigh and looked at the rock again before taking a deep breath.

-Ok, no backing down. I stay angry until it moves.-

The bishop shook his head with a slightly exasperated look. He went on to another extended explanation.

-Not angry, Silika! How many times do we have to tell you?- She signed with an irritated expression.

Jade calmed herself down before continuing.

-Anger comes from frustration. Frustration means that you're giving up. Pure anger could work, but only those experienced in the way of scorn and in control of their emotions can achieve that. You need to learn how to hate calmly first.-

Hating calmly? That’s easier said than done…

-Wait, what’s the difference between anger and pure anger?-

She blinked a few times, surprised by my question, and turned to the Bishop, who only said a few words.

-The confidence to carry it out.- She signed dryly.

I let out a sigh.

What does that even mean?

-Why are Scorn’s blessings so complicated?-

Jade shrugged.

-All blessings are complicated at first.-

-Really? Even for you?-

Jade nodded.

-Here, let's take a break. I’ll show you one of my Diid blessings. Maybe it'll give you an idea?- 

She took out a dice from her pocket.

-If I roll this dice…-

She rolled the dice, and it landed on 6.

-It will always fall on one of three sides: 1,3, or 6. That is because mentally, I have, with full confidence, established that 6 means that I rolled successfully, and 1 means I have rolled unsuccessfully. So by using my blessing, I give only two possible outcomes when 6 should exist…-

-What about 3?- I signed as I looked at her curiously.

Jade smiled wryly.

-That’s when Diid wins. He’s capricious, so you always need an outcome for him to win.-

I thought about it for a second.

-That doesn’t sound so difficult…-

Jade made a knowing grin.

-Ah, but that’s the catch! IF I rolled my dice and it fell on 2, for example, what do you think that would mean? Wouldn’t that be a sort of failure as well? What about 4? 5? If I use the blessing on something else than a dice, the possibilities become infinite and, at that point, there would be no point to the blessing. So that means that I must think, with absolute certainty, that falling on 1 means that I failed; otherwise, it won’t work.-

She rolled the dice again, and it fell on three.

Jade made an annoyed expression while I saw a discreet smile draw itself at the corner of the Bishop’s lips. 

She stood up and threw her head up, and began to laugh maniacally.

-What are you doing?- I asked her, worrying she had lost her mind.

Jade turned toward me with an embarrassed expression.

-Ah, well, you see, when Diid wins, you need to do something unexpected, otherwise it’s bad luck and your next blessings will always go wrong.-

I blinked several times, confused.

-Is that like… A prayer?-

-You could say that, but there are very few Diidkins who enjoy losing to Diid, so it’s not a very good prayer… But that’s how it goes when you follow the teachings of the god of chaos…-

She shook her head and composed herself as she put on her serious expression.

-Now, let's get back to it! Focus properly this time.-

The bishop nodded affirmatively. He had been sitting quietly at her side during all this time while reading a thick book. He must have been getting a bit bored just waiting like that.

I turned my attention to the rock on the table once more.

I must hate it, but nothing is working. Maybe thinking that I hate it isn’t enough? What about I look at it from another way? Why is it that I hate the cube? 

Maybe the issue is that I actually kind of like the cube? 

It does change shape and looks like a useful tool, so maybe hating its existence might not work… Maybe I should focus on something that I hate about it that would make me want to move it?

That’s it!

I focused my mind and let my thoughts flow.

[You ungrateful rock, I keep you nice and by my bedside, and you won’t even move for me? Maybe I should just get another rock altogether!]

I mumbled as I focused all my attention on it, doing my best to control my emotions and not to get angry.

After a few seconds of hesitation, the rock finally rolled on itself and moved.

I looked excitedly toward Jade and Feldor, who both wore satisfied expressions.

-You did it! You did it! Great job!- Jade signed as she ran up and lifted me off my feet. 

She hugged me so tight I thought I would suffocate. It looked like she was almost more excited about it than I was. 

The bishop walked up to us and began talking to Jade. 

Jade released me. Her expression suddenly became a little less enthused, but she still translated.

-You should continue practising your Unimaterium Ferrous Glass manipulation every day, even when on the road. Your current skill is on track to be ready for your communion next year, although your knowledge of the scripture could use some work…-

I gritted my teeth, but still managed to keep smiling. 

Reading is so difficult…

-...The bishop also says he will send word to his colleague in Clotop so he will be able to continue guiding you once you get there.-

I nodded and bowed in thanks to the Kinsmann.

He gave a fleeting smile before taking his leave. Mili woke up in a startle as the door shut. She looked around and, after noticing the bishop was gone, she started picking up my things.

-So you’re really leaving?- Jade asked me, a nervous expression on her face.

I nodded.

It was only two nights ago when Lionheart announced to me that his father was sick. 

At first, I thought it would take some time to prepare, but the very next day, preparations had already begun. 

I spent all of yesterday with Mili and an older maid shopping for warm clothes. As they claimed, a ‘southern’ girl like me needed something ‘much warmer’ to survive the winter in Norland. I was a bit confused at first, especially since we were in the middle of summer, but from what I gathered, the cold was more a matter of weather than it was a matter of season, the further north you went. 

I didn’t really get it, but all this to say that I spent the whole of yesterday on a tailor’s stool getting all kinds of dresses, coats, hats, mittens and all manner of clothing fitted. I wish Lionheart had come with me, but from what I gathered, he had many things of his own to take care of before we left.

That also meant that I had not come to the church today only for my usual classes, but also to inform the Bishop and the wider Scorn Church that I would be moving under a different parish. Not that there was much of a Scorn order in the church to begin with. If it had been, I wouldn't have been taught by the Bishop himself. 

Stash had come with us, but had left after talking with the Bishop. From what I gathered, my upcoming ‘communion’ had been the main topic of discussion. Not my blessing practice. That’s why it had been so important to the bishop that I at least learned this blessing before leaving today.

-When?- Jade added to her previous question.

I hesitated.

-I’m not sure. A few days? Dad said as soon as possible.- I signed with a shrug. 

The situation somehow didn’t feel real to me. How could it be? I had only known two places in my life. The estate in Oblon and the city streets of Evergreen. 

One I hated and the other I loved. 

Why would I leave a place I love? It doesn’t make sense at all, and yet…

Jade put her chin on my head and hugged me tightly from the back.

I grasped her slim arm for a second, feeling a bit more relaxed in my trail of thoughts.

-I’m okay.- I signed, thanking her for worrying about me, but she tightened her grip and signed back.

-I’m not.-

I felt something warm drip on my forehead. And then another.

Ah.

I didn’t… I didn’t think of that. 

I didn’t consider that Jade might actually be sad that I was leaving. 

We had already said goodbye once at the orphanage, so I thought… 

Mmh… Maybe I had been looking at things too simply? 

-I’m sorry.- I signed, not sure what else to say. 

I felt guilty for not being as sad as she was, but it just didn't really feel real to me.

-It’s okay, I’ll miss you a lot, Silika.-

-I will miss you too.- I confirmed as I gripped the arms hugging me, as if to ground me in reality.

I’m leaving. I’m actually leaving Evergreen. 

Not just going to live in another house this time, but half a kingdom away. 

I felt a weight grow in my stomach as I forced myself to actually accept what was about to happen. 

[So far…] I whispered to myself.

A shiver ran down my spine, and I turned around to bury my face into Jade’s dress.

How did I not realise it? Why had I thought it would be so simple? Would I still be able to see Jade as often? When will I see her again? Will I ever see her again?

-Can you come with me?- I asked her, but I already knew the answer.

She shook her head.

-No, Silika. I can’t. I belong here, I’m not like you.-

-You’re lying. We’re the same. You’re like a sister to me.-

Jade held me by the shoulders reassuringly and bent down so our faces were at the same height.

-I know. You’re like a sister to me, too, but I’m different. There’s something I need to do here… While you have something to do there.-

I shook my head.

-Can’t you do it with me over there? I’ll help you! I’ll…-

She put a hand on my head and smiled sadly.

I understood there was nothing I could say that could change her mind.

-I’ll write to you. As often as I can.- She signed.

I looked up at her.

-You promise?- I asked her.

She nodded.

-I promise. Will you write to me too?- I nodded back.

-I’ll ask Mili for help.-

Jade laughed, making the said Mili turn to us curiously.

-It would make me happier if you wrote it on your own, but I guess that’s better than nothing. Make sure to practice writing so you can write it all by yourself as soon as possible, okay?-

I nodded again and hugged her tightly.

After that, we slowly made our way out of the library while following Mili, who was carrying my things.

We talked all the way, not wanting for this moment to end, but inevitably, we reached the threshold of the church door where a carriage was waiting for me.

We hugged one last time before I entered the carriage, leaving the church and Jade behind.

My heart felt heavy, but I didn’t cry. I knew we would see each other sooner rather than later.

I kept looking out the window, imagining the road we would take to Norland. I had never been there before. 

Would I like it? Will it be as cold as everyone says?

Will I be happy there as well?

-Are you alright, my lady?- Mili asked, noticing that I looked distracted.

I nodded and smiled at her.

-I’m alright, Mili… And why are you calling me ‘my lady’-

I asked her, confused.

After all, she normally addressed me by my name. She looked embarrassed for a moment.

-I got scolded yesterday by Sir ᐊlẕn for being too casual.- She signed hesitantly.

ᐊlẕn… She must mean Stash. 

That was very in character for him.

-Don’t mind him, I prefer you keep calling me by my name… And you’re supposed to be my playmate, not a maid, so I’m not even 'your lady'.-

I commented, a bit annoyed at how stiff Stash could be.

-Ah, but if the butler sees me doing it again…- She signed before scratching her messy red hair nervously.

I guess it’s really bothering her.

-Then just do it in front of him.- I said with a shrug.

She seemed hesitant, but nodded nonetheless. 

For whatever reason, her meek behaviour was bothering me. To be more specific, I found it annoying. 

It felt as though she was worrying about stupid things, while here I was on the cusp of leaving my whole life behind…

It wasn’t long before we arrived home, and I stepped out of the carriage. Mili quietly guided me through the door into the main hall. 

Immediately, I noticed something odd; someone was waiting for me.

Not just anyone, but a man. As large as a bull and as tall as a horse. The same man who had arrived, uninvited, two nights ago, bringing ill news.

The man my father had introduced to me as my great-uncle.

It was the first time I had seen him since that night. As we walked closer to him, I noticed just how gigantic he was. He was looking at me intensely, not twitching a single muscle.

Mili greeted him respectfully with a bow. Although I didn’t really like the man, I figured there was no point in being rude, especially since he was family, so I curtsied as well.

I stood straight again and looked up at him, but still he didn’t move. Well, that is, nothing else but his eyes. They were fixed right on me.

He looked angry. I started feeling anxious.

He finally looked at Mili and barked a few words.

Mili immediately looked confused and surprised. She seemingly tried to say something back, but the man had already gone back to staring at me.

She looked down at me nervously.

-Uhm… My lord wishes to have a meal with you, my lady…. Alone.-

I felt my blood run cold.

Alone?! With him?! 

He’s not gonna eat me, is he?!

I looked at Mili, quietly begging her to do something, but it seemed her hands were tied.

The man turned around and started to walk down the hall toward the dining room. He stopped and looked back at me, waiting.

I took a deep breath and followed him reluctantly.

Most disturbingly, I almost thought I noticed a smile at the corner of his lips.