47. What is a Father?

Without any warning, Silika crumpled to her knees right before my eyes just as I entered the house.

“What’s going on?! Alzan! Get a doctor immediately!” I ordered the head butler, who nodded and immediately rushed out of the door.

I looked back at Silika, but her expression was blank.

“Uhng…” She let out in an unintelligible moan as tears pooled in her eyes. 

Panicking, I tried to reach out to her, but she fe immediately recoiled, falling backward with a terrified expressionon her face. 

At her side, I noticed Gelsare’s daughter panicking as she went to help her up.

Was today the day she was starting as her playmate? I should have been there for that… 

The girl was about to to touch Silika when I stopped.

“Don’t. It might make it worse.” I whispered.

I turned back to Silika.

“It’s okay, sweetie. There are no bad people around.” I said out loud as I approached her. 

I knew she couldn’t hear it, but Delian had recommended doing so anyway. 

He explained that acting calmly and kindly when Silika panicked would help her feel less threatened, but her eyes remained the same, focused on an empty point in front of her.

“Hnnnnnnngggg…..” She began wheezing painfully. 

A passerby could have easily mistaken it for the cries of a dying animal. Never would they have guessed that its true nature was... 

“There’s no monster, Silika. I took care of all the bad people today. No one can hurt you now.” I said as I carefully walked toward her, but to no avail as she fell over once more as she tried to back away, but struggled to move her arms and legs correctly. 

“Uh, Syieee!” She suddenly yelled in my direction, fear plastered across her face.

Was she afraid of me?

“It’s me, Silika! Marshall! Lionheart! Dad!” I pleaded, feeling a pang of guilt for even mentioning the last one, but I pushed down the feeling. 

Now was not the time for that.

I kept walking slowly towards her, but I could see her getting more and more agitated. 

What should I do? What would Delian do? What would the Bishop do?

“Ulh gooooo! Uh ta nu tu! Ple doun…” She screamed as her breathing became erratic. 

It’s about to happen. I need to act.

She opened her mouth, tears completely clouding her eyes and a painful expression straining her face.

Time has run out. I need to act.

I dropped everything I was holding and, in the same motion, grabbed Silika and held her tightly.

“Oh Steinnher…” I barely had time to begin praying, when Silika let out a piercing screech so loud my ears felt like they would shatter.

Holding her against my chest, I rushed toward the second floor, toward her room, before anyone else got hurt.

“Oh Steinnher, lest I forget. Please, lest I forget.”

Luckily, it seemed Steihnner’s blessing was holding up, but for how long?

I closed the door behind us and walked to the bed as her screams continued to assault my ears. 

I felt scared. 

Not for me, but for her.  

What if this never ends? What if this pain never leaves her? 

I shook away the thought. No, not now. Silika needs me now.

There must be something. 

I need a solution. I don’t know any blessings like the Bishop, so there must be something from the orphanage…

I remembered a story Delian told me about the first day he met Silika. The first time she panicked at the orphanage and how he'd managed to calm her down… It was worth a try.

I cleared my throat and took a deep breath.

I need to remain calm. I need to be strong. It won’t work if I can't stay calm.

I took one last breath before starting.

“Please do not cry for me, The other birds will hear you…”

I sang as slowly and as calmly as I could

Her screams turned to wailing. I could feel the pressure on my ears becoming almost too much to bear, but I couldn’t leave. Not without her.

I pushed on.

“And their tears as well, will be shed but for you. I am but an aging crow…”

She choked on her own throat, and her breathing became raspy, but the screaming did not stop.

“...Whose wings can fly no more. And you are a young swallow, Who has yet to see the shore…”

Her arms started thrashing about uncontrollably, and her head tilted up. I held on to her and gently grasped the back of her head so she wouldn’t hurt her neck.

“...So do not cry for me. The other birds will hear you. I have seen many dew. And have flown many winds…”

Between two screaming fits, Silika started coughing uncontrollably. I gently rubbed her back until she passed it.

“...Yet when I’m with you. I forget it all, but your grins.”

I took a deep breath as I held on to her. Tears were still flowing from her eyes as she cried, but the screaming seemed to have passed.

“So do not cry for me. Do not grieve for me. Do not shed tears for me. I want you to feel the wind. And your laughter to fill the clouds.”

Slowly, the wheezing coming from her throat became quieter, and her breathing became less erratic. I slowly rubbed her back while continuing to slowly rocked her side to side.

“When this dream becomes true. Only then, please sing a song. And I will shed your tears. While the other birds love you for me.”

By the time I finished the song, her breathing had steadied. She was still crying profusely and coughing painfully, but at least she wasn’t hurting anymore. I continued embracing her and sang back the song to her several times, until Alzan slowly opened the door and quietly walked to the bedside, water carafe in hand. 

He poured a glass and brought it to me.

“For the lady, my lord.” He whispered.

I nodded and slowly loosened my hold on Silika. She sniffled and lazily wiped the tears from her eyes. She looked tired, but thankfully the fear and pain were gone from her face. 

She tried to look up at me, but it looked difficult. 

I showed her the glass of water, and she slowly nodded before grabbing it with both her hands. They looked unsteady, so I supported the glass from the bottom. After a few long gulps, she gave the glass back to me.

“Shall I fetch the young lady Milie Gelzare, my lord?”

I  glanced up at Alzan and then back down at Silika.

“Give us a few minutes.”

“As you wish.”

He bowed and gracefully left the room.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. 

Now that things have settled down, I need to figure out what happened. Delian had explained at length that, although she did have a moody streak, Silika's panics always had something that provoked them and that it was important to learn what these might be to work on them with her.

I was about to ask her about it, but noticed her eyes were focused elsewhere. 

I followed her gaze and spotted her bunny rabbit plush on the nightstand. Alzan had probably picked it up and placed it there. I stretched my arm and handed it to her.

[Agh shf gnn.] She mumbled to the bunny as she hugged it tightly. 

I sat her down more comfortably on my knees.

-Are you okay, now?- I asked her.

After some hesitation, she slowly nodded her head.

I let out a sigh of relief. This was the first 'Daymare', as Delian called them, I had experienced with Silika… Excluding the one when she was abducted.

-Why were you so scaredÉ- I asked her as gently as I could.

She looked surprised, almost as though this should have been the most obvious thing in the world. She held my gaze for a while before looking down and looking at her hands.

-The stick.- She simply said.

-What stick, Silika?-

-The horse stick.-

The horse stick… Did she mean the horse crop? I was holding one when entering the house, but…

-Why are you scared of the horse stick?-

-It hurts.- She said with a serious expression.

I guess it does, but so do swords and knives… She’s never been scared of those.

-Horse sticks are only for horses. They don’t hurt humans.- I told her reassuringly.

She looked up again, and stared straight into my eyes.

-They hurt me.-

I immediately felt a sickly feeling in my guts. 

As she moved her hands, the collar of her dress shifted, and I saw the long streak on her collarbone. The same that covered her entire body.

I had spent many days wondering what could have been used to cause such injuries, and now… Now I know and wish I didn`t.

But I needed to understand her pain. It's the only way I could earn the right to be called her father.

A tear formed in the corner of Silika's eye, but she wiped it away quickly and looked down at her rabbit plush.

“I gdw gnn.” She whispered to it. 

Sometimes I wish I could switch places with this stuffed animal for a day and be the one she whispered all those secrets to.

She sat on my lap quietly for a while. 

The sound of her low controlled breathing hung in the room.

I wanted to reassure her, but the words didn’t come to me, or rather, I felt unqualified to communicate them to her.

I looked up at the door. I could hear the sound of shifting cloth. The girl and Alzan must be waiting outside.

Ashamed of my own cowardice, I called out.

“You can come in.”

It was not a moment later that Alzan and Milie Gelsare entered the room. I could tell the girl had been crying. Despite being twice Silika’s age, I guess she is still only a child.

They approached us, and Milie kneeled at the side of the bed facing Silika.

-I sorry! I sorry! You okay?- She signed clumsily

Silika looked at her with a confused expression before nodding.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Milie.” I told the girl as I lifted Silika up from my lap and sat her on the bed.

“I’m glad t’hear it, m’lord. Will Sil–... Will m’lady be alright?” She said while drying her heye with the back of her hand.

Truly a Gelzare. She speaks the same way her father does.

I nodded.

“She will. Please take good care of her from now on.”

She bowed respectfully.

“I will, m’lord. Thank you for trustin’ me.” She declared before turning back to Silika as she continued to apologise to her profusely despite my words.

I looked at Silika as well. 

I should say something here. Something that sounds reassuring or father-like…

I placed my hand on her small pink head, which surprised her and she turned to me.

It will be alright, okay? We're always here for you.-

Silika seemed unsure about something for a second, but then nodded.

-Okay.- She finally signed.

I turned to Stash and Milie and smiled.

“Why don’t we have Silika take a bath? I’m sure it would make her feel better after a long day.” I suggested.

“Well advised, sir. I will have the maids bring a tub and hot water. I’m sure Ms Gelzare wouldn’t mind attending…?”

Milie nodded.

“I don’ mind, sir.”

I turned back to Silika and smiled.

-I will see you at dinner, okay?-

She had a complicated expression on her face, but she eventually nodded.

-Okay.-

I stood up, and after smiling at them one last time, I left the room, followed by Alzan. 

We made for the stairs, and only once we'd reached the third floor did I address him.

“Anything to report?” I asked seriously.

The butler nodded.

“I left a more complete report on your desk related to the ‘meat’ matter, if you wish to consult, but I fear it raised more questions than it answered.”

“Elaborate.”

Alzan opened the door to my office on the third floor and closed the door behind us. I picked up the report he left on my desk. As I started reading, he explained.

“From my current understanding, I believe that the lady’s ability to digest meat products comes from the heavily carnivorous diet of her Seeir ancestry counteracting her obvious Meiriem descent…”

“Wait, Seeir? Are you sure you understood right?” I interrupted him, to which he nodded.

“Positive, my lord. As a matter of fact, it is the Scorn blood which appears to be completely absent from her family tree.”

I took a moment and read over his notes. There truly was nothing remotely hinting at Scorn blood. Perhaps she was an illegitimate child, then. Could this be the reason behind the way she was treated...? 

“There are two more things, my lord.”

I looked up from the paper, finally understanding why he had waited until I was seated to explain everything.

“Speak.”

He nodded and continued.

“The lady claims her eyes weren’t always gold but were instead silver.”

I nodded.

“Post-natal trait development. I’ve heard of it, although I heard it normally incurs either in infants or teenagers.”

“As you just said, my lord. It is suspicious that this process occurred to a child of her age.”

I rubbed the stubble on my chin.

“Theories?”

He shook his head sadly.

“None that are too pleasant. We may wish to consult a physician… Speaking of which, the doctor you requested is still here. Shall we have him examine the lady?”

I nodded. 

“Please do. Also mention the trait development, but double his pay to make sure he keeps quiet about it. We don’t need my daughter’s heritage becoming public knowledge on the grey market.”

The butler bowed and started heading for the door.

“Wait. You mentioned there were two more things. What’s the other?”

“Oh, by Diid, I almost forgot! When I questioned the lady regarding her Scorn heritage, she brought up something interesting. Apparently, she has only ever met a single scorn back in her previous household… A maid with whom she grew very close. She’s the one who made the stuffed rabbit the lady always carries around.” 

Alzan turned to the door and started leaving, but turned back toward me one last time.

“She seemed… Very fond of her.”

After a moment of hesitation, he gave an uncertain nod and closed the door behind him.

I once more read Alzan's notes, and as he said, the resolution of the meat mystery only brought on just as many questions.

There was a lot of information we had already gathered on Silika beforehand, but this was something new. 

From her mannerisms and the information Delian had disclosed, she appeared to be from a noble household, most likely in the western part of the kingdom. They appeared to have been assiduous Meiriem believers, which explained Silika's dislike for her hair. 

Her deafness was also not innate and would have been acquired as a result of some accident in the last year or so as a doctor had confirmed. 

I felt my fist tightened. 

According to this same physician, had Silika been properly attended by a Fey Kinsmann, it could have, in all likelihood been treated, but the internal wound had now scarred and healed over. 

The damage was permanent.

The last thing we knew for a fact was that both her mother and father were the main perpetrators in her mistreatment….  I had tried to get more information out of Delian, who apparently had had a direct correspondence with at least one member of that household, but he was bound by a contract from the church to never disclose information regarding the orphans beyond what these ones had allowed. 

For their own safety.

I let out a long sigh, dug through the cabinet behind my desk and pulled out a carafe of whiskey and a glass. I poured the copper liquid, spun it a few times before taking a sip.

I felt the alcohol spread trickle my throat and then through the rest of my body.

It might not resolve issues, but it sure made the symptoms more manageable…

I sighed again.

What a day.

At least the Green Palace had paid off, and the 'heir' issue was taken care of. 

As of today, Silika was officially recognised as Lilica and I's daughter. 

The official story was that Silika was born shortly after Lilica and I first got married in secret some six years ago. She had been kept a secret and lived with friends until we could get our parents’ approval for the marriage, but Lilica died before this came to pass. After the fact, she had been sent into hiding at a local orphanage until she could be arranged to come live with me…

The story had just the right amount of lies, truth, and uncertainty to earn the seal of approval from the Green Palace. 

Of course, that didn't make it so Lilica's family or my own would accept it as well, but I was confident I could manage that much when the time comes… 

As long as Silika agreed to it.

But, I’ll have to earn her trust first before that.

I took another sip from my drink.

I think I now underestimated Delian’s words from back then.

Silika isn't an easy child. It was one crisis after another. Anything could send her into a panic, and one misplaced word could see her mood spiral. 

I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, and I know I’ve been relying on Alzan too much… 

I need to start acting like an actual father, but I’m afraid that I’ll fail… 

Or worse: that I’ll hurt her.