36. Stone floors

I woke up face down against the cold floor. My whole body ached as I tried to raise myself from the ground. My memories were blurry.

Where was I exactly? 

As I slowly opened my eyes, I knew immediately something was very wrong. The floor was made of stone.

My heart instantly started racing in my chest. A surge of energy ran through my body, and I jumped to my feet. I backed away quickly, away from whatever the blur that still clouded my eyes hid in front of me. My back roughly hitting against the wall behind me, trapping me.

It’s finally happening, isn’t it? 

I’m back. Back at the estate.

A ball began forming in the back of my throat.

How did they find me? Did they know where I was all along? Were they just waiting for an opportunity to take me away and hurt me again?

It became difficult to breathe as the panic set in. It felt as if I was choking on the air around me. I grasped for Darkie in the dark, but he was nowhere to be found. 

I was alone.

I blinked rapidly to clear my eyes and try to see where they were hiding better... Those terrible blue eyes… But to my surprise, I wasn’t in my room as I had expected. Instead, I was in some kind of Iron cage within a larger room. Through the gaps of the iron bars blocking the way, I could see lanterns hanging on stone walls some distance away.

I was finally able to steady my breathing.

[It’s alright. This isn’t the estate. Just another stone floor. Another stone floor.] I repeated to myself over and over again.

Slowly, my beating heart slowed down, and I was able to breathe and think normally.

So, if this wasn’t the estate, where was I exactly?

I tried to remember how I got here. I was at the Spring Bloom Festival with Jade… And then someone grabbed me… Then it becomes blurry again…

Confused, I approached the iron bars and looked around.

There was another cage across the room, but I couldn't see if anyone was inside in the dim light of the room. I turned toward the source of light and almost yelped when I saw an armoured guard sitting right underneath. I must have made too much noise because his head immediately swung toward me. He immediately stood up from his seat, and I reflexively backed away, scared he would come for me, but thankfully, he turned his head to the side as he yelled something. He then went off to the side. He brought back two chairs and a small table that he placed at the centre of the room. Once he was done, he started approaching my cage.

I rushed to the back of the cell as he turned the key in the door, but there was nowhere to run. He grabbed me by the collar, carried me to the table and sat me on a chair facing the door before returning to his spot by the door, this time, remaining standing.

I could feel my heart beating as the seconds dragged on. I thought about trying to run away several times, but the only door was the one in front of me… I would never make it. 

I almost screamed when the door finally opened and two people entered the room.

One was a young woman with golden hair kept in a short ponytail, while the other was a silver-haired man with stubble for a beard. Both were dressed in the clothes that I vaguely recognised as those belonging to Royal Knights, but instead of the usual blue colours, their uniform was a muddy grey. 

For a moment, I felt a wave of relief, thinking someone had come to save me, but then the woman sat in the seat in front of me, and I understood that I was actually their prisoner.

What did the Royal Knights want with me? Unless they really weren't knights and this was just a trick?

She placed a large sack on the table from which she pulled a pile of paper, along with a quill and an ink bottle, and placed them in front of her.

She looked up and finally met my eyes. 

Her expression was strangely neutral. Not angry nor happy. As if emotions were not something her face was able to show.

She asked me something and waited expectantly for a response. 

Unsure how she would react, I simply remained silent. She asked something else, but I still kept quiet. This went on for a while, and every time she asked something, she wrote something down on the paper in front of her.

I couldn’t help wondering what she could possibly be writing about since I wasn’t saying anything. Thankfully, she didn't look annoyed by it, so I decided to stick to doing just that.

After a while, she put down her quill and raised her hands.

-What is name?- The woman signed to me.

My eyes grew wide with surprise as I saw her trace the symbols clumsily.  It took me a long moment to even react. 

Apart from Jade and Hare, I had never seen anyone use the secret language; it felt like something out of a dream… 

Could it be? Was this a dream?

-Silika- I finally responded, having calmed down after the initial shock.

She looked surprised to see me move, the first expression she had shown since she entered the room. Almost as if she had not expected an answer.

-Repeat words.-

Her signing was extremely clumsy. It looked like she wasn’t very familiar with the symbols. Maybe she was still learning? I repeated slower.

-Si Li Ka- I spelt once more for her as slowly as I could.

She seemed to reclaim her composure as she nodded and took notes.

-Family?- She continued.

I felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders. If she was asking, that meant that she was not sent to take me back to the estate after all! I better keep it that way…

I shook my head to the question.

-Family name?- She insisted.

-I don’t know what my family name is.- I told her a white lie. 

I knew my family name, of course, but I actually had no idea how to spell it, so putting it into symbols was impossible. Hare had once mentioned he could teach it to me, but at the time, I had been more surprised that he knew my complete name at all, so the focus of the conversation had shifted that way.

The woman frowned at my answer. She wrote something on her piece of paper. 

Did I mess up? Maybe she knows I’m lying after all?

I was about to clarify that I simply couldn’t spell it, but she started signing again before I could.

-Where were you sent from?-

Sent from? What does that even mean? Did she mean where I came from? Her signing is really bad…

Afraid of her reaction if I gave another white lie, I honestly answered.

-I'm from Salland.-

Lucky for me, one of the few subjects I had started studying since I learned the secret language was geography, so I could tell her that much… But my answer displeased her.

-Don’t lie.- She signed as her brow furrowed.

I felt confused and angry about her accusation.

-I’m not lying! I was born in Salland!- I rebuked strongly.

It’s rude to assume people are liars! 

She stood up from her seat angrily and slammed both her hands on the table, making me jump back. The chair tilted back dangerously, but I was able to catch myself before falling to the floor.

-I no ask where born! I ask where sent from! Who give you work?-

Anger flashed in her eyes, but she seemed to realise her outburst was excessive and sat back down on her seat as she tried to compose herself once more.

I could feel my heartbeat in my head. That woman is dangerous, I should be very careful what I say next…

But what can I answer? I don’t work yet, so I wouldn’t know who gives me work… Maybe she was talking about the festival?

-I live on Plum Street. At the Orphanage. I help kinsmann F’ĺḉ for the Spring Bloom Festival. That’s all.- I tried to explain, but she continued tapping her finger angrily on the table.

I wish I had Darkie with me right now… Where did he go?

-Kinsmann give this?.- She asked as the other knight dug through the sack and pulled out my yellow satchel.

-No, it was a baptism gift.- I simply answered.

-What is name?-

I felt sweat drip down my neck. I had only met the man 2 or 3 times briefly, so I'd never come up with.

-I don’t know.-

-You don’t know who give?-

Now that she was saying it, it was a bit rude not to know who gave you a gift…

-I don’t know his name.-

She sighed as she rubbed her temples. The man at her side raised an eyebrow at her and asked something, but she simply shook her head. 

The conversation was obviously very tiring for her. I remembered when I had just started, I used to feel exhausted after only a few minutes…

-Do you want to take a break?- I asked her, trying to put on a friendly smile despite my own fear, but this seemed to anger her greatly.

-You take break when I say you take break!-

I clasped my hands together under the table. She looked very scary when angry.

-Where keep secret word?- She said as she opened the bag.

Secret word? Did she mean the secret language? What did she mean by where do I keep it? Did she mean the book?

-I already know the secret language. I don’t keep the book.-

She looked confused at my answer.

-What language?-

-The one we’re speaking now.- I tried to explain, but it seemed to irritate her. 

Was she having a hard time saying what she meant?

-No, not talk Ŝľṁn language. Talk secret words on paper. Where keep things in bag?-

A flurry of nonsensical signs flew by, and I was extremely confused trying to figure out what she was trying to say. 

Despite this, she angrily showed me the bag.

-Where are secrets in the bag? How give secret words?-

-I keep all my things in the big pouch right the…-

As I tried to point at the entrance of the pouch, she slapped my fingers.

[Ouch!] I yelped as I held onto my bruised finger.

-No touch. Only words. That is rule for you.- She said, but I felt confused. 

Why wasn’t I allowed to touch my bag? It was MY bag…

She took the bag and emptied it on the table. My things tumbled down on the table. Amongst them was Darkie.

[Darkie!] I exclaimed.

I went to grab him, but the woman raised her hand menacingly. I retracted my hands.

She looked at me suspiciously before turning her eyes to Darkie. She picked him up from the table.

-Careful!- I said.

She ignored me as she continued handling Darkie roughly. Inspecting him from feet to ears. She turned to the other knight and showed him my bunny plush. He traced his hand over its fabric and shrugged. She put down Darkie on the table and pushed everything off to the side. 

She said a few words to the man at the door, who nodded and left the room. She stood up and walked around the table, standing right beside me. In front of me still stood the silver-haired knight who looked on calmly, scrutinising me with his red eyes. 

What's happening now? Why did they stop asking questions? Why is everyone standing and looking at me? Where did the other man go?

My heart was beating so strongly that I thought I might drop dead right there and then. The woman placed her hand on the back of my chair, right behind my head. I held my breath, trying to be as small as possible, but I knew that was impossible.

After what felt like an eternity, the guard returned, and in tow a man dressed in a now ruined doublet. The man was a mess. His face was swollen and red. He could barely stand without the help of the guard at his side.

He was made to sit on the chair facing me. The silver-haired knight stood right behind him, holding the man’s shoulders up so he wouldn’t fall from the chair. The woman yelled something at the broken man, but he didn’t move. 

The knight behind him grabbed him by the hair and forced his head up.

I gasped as I got a better look at the man’s face. 

He could barely open his eyes. His jaw hung half open, and I could tell several teeth were missing. His nose was bloody and looked like a pudge of putrid yellow and green colours. My stomach churned as I looked at him. 

His face… It looked like the skin of my arms back then… How could they do that to him? 

She asked the man a question, but the man didn’t react immediately. She slapped him roughly across the face, sending a shiver down my spine. His eyes lazily traced upward before locking with mine.

The woman repeated her question. 

He kept looking at me. Tears streamed down his face. He slowly shook his head. His jaw followed the movement of his head like a broken puppet. 

There was nothing in his eyes. Only pain and sadness.

The woman turned to me and signed.

-Did he give yellow bag?-

Uh? Give me the bag. 

I looked at the man, and it hit me. Despite his roughed up appearance, l recognised him. He was the curly-moustached merchant I first met at the orphanage the night of my baptism. 

He was definitely the man who had given me the bag, but how did they know?

My throat felt parched as I hesitantly nodded.

Almost immediately, the knight behind the man smacked the merchant's face into the table.

I let out a scream and tried to look away, but the woman gripped me by the shoulder and forced me to watch as the man’s head was lifted once more.

Bloody chunks oozed out of the man’s face and nose, and I felt my stomach turn. I couldn't hold it in anymore and threw up on the ground beside me and started crying.

They asked him something again. This time, his jaw moved slightly, but he had barely made a full syllable before his head was once more shoved into the table.

I shut my eyes. I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt confused and scared. Why did they hurt him like this?! Are they going to do the same to me? Is that why they're showing me?

I peeked as his head was raised once more, his eyes were upturned as if he was looking inside his skull. A moment later, he started convulsing violently.

Unable to hold it, I gagged once more, but nothing came up. I felt myself go limp. I would have fallen if the woman hadn’t painfully kept me on the chair.

The red-eyed knight put his hands on each side of the man’s head, and slowly the convulsion stopped, and the merchant slumped into his chair, eyes closed.

I watched in horror from the other side of the table. Did he just kill him?! 

To my relief, I saw the man gasp for air, but his eyes remained closed this time.

He was picked up from his chair by the door guard and roughly tossed into one of the cages off to the side of the room. The woman circled back to the front and sat in front of me.

-How mission get? Give information how?-

Her hands were shaking slightly, but her face stayed blank as she signed to me while glancing at the collapsed man.

-I don’t know what you’re asking me. I only met him a few times!- I tried to explain, but it seemed she understood the wrong thing.

-You met him before?-

-Yes, but just shortly at the orphanage and on errands!-

She arched her brow.

-Orphanage say to give bag to you? Does orphanage also mission?-

What was she saying?! She made no sense at all!

-No! He just gave me the bag! He came to the orphanage and just gave it to me as a gift!-

-So you only one with bag?-

[Why does it matter!?] I couldn’t help but scream out in frustration. 

The woman was unmoved by my outburst and repeated her question.

-Only one with bag?-

I tried to compose myself before continuing to sign.

-Yes, he only gave the bag to me.- I answered quickly.

That woman is insane! Ragging on: bag this, bag that! Beating people because they gave someone a bag!

Slowly, she reached out to Darkie once more.

-Give this, too?- She asked.

-No! That’s mine! Give it back- I signed before trying to climb over the table to take Darkie back from the mean woman, but she simply pushed me back, making me fall back on my chair. The rough wood left a splinter in the skin of my leg.

I tried to keep myself from crying, but the tears had started flowing a long time ago. I looked up at the knight angrily. Why were they doing this? What did they get from it?

She stared at Darkie intently, looking up and down from all angles. Weighing the ears with her fingers. Suddenly, she took out a dagger from her belt and started bringing it toward Darkie.

[No!!! Don't do that!] I screamed. 

She turned to me once more.

-If not here, where secret? What mission? How give information?-

"What's going on, Silika?" Darkie asked in a worried voice.

He'd been silent all this time, but now…

[It's nothing, Darkie! Everything is going to be fine!] I tried to say reassuringly.

 I looked up at the woman.

-There’s no secret! There’s no mission! There’s no information! Please just…- I started signing desperately.

She looked me up and down, unimpressed. She turned away and brought her knife to the stitching of Darkie's arm. 

"Silika! I'm scared! Don't let them hurt me, please!"

I felt a terrible throb at Darkie's words. It bounced in my head and my chest, making me sick and my vision blurry. I have to do something!

[Stop that!] I  screamed out as I tried to stand up on my wobbly leg.

Her knife stopped in its tracks. She looked at me for a moment before glancing back at the man behind her, who was saying something. 

She shrugged at his words.

"Silika!!!" 

Her dagger sliced Darkie open.

Pain shot up my arm. As if the dagger was piercing my own skin.

"Ah… Ahhh…… AAHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

The screams. I could only scream. I could and couldn't hear them. Were they coming from me? Were they coming from Darkie? Were there screams at all?!

My vision started spinning. The woman’s blue eyes had stopped looking at me and now stared with macabre interest at the Darkies' remains. She dug her finger into his body, ripping out stuffing as she did.

The edge of my vision slowly grew darker. I fell to my knees as I gagged on every breath I took. The shadows and colours around me started twisting and warping. The woman’s golden hair slowly turned a shade of pink. 

She looked up at me, but her face had changed, or maybe I'd imagined it all along. 

The woman in front of me was my mother.

All I could do was scream in horror. 

She had a horrible rictus on her face, her blue eyes staring at me with pure sadistic glee as she dug her long fingers into Darkie.  I threw up once more on the floor and continued screaming.

[Please stop! Please stop!] I tried to call out, but simply couldn’t stop screaming. 

I tried to sign, but my body wouldn’t listen to me anymore.

I watched as the stones of the floor turned to marble and the walls into wallpaper.

I felt the ground tremble.

The steps. 

They were coming.

I am back.

I am really back.

Or maybe, I had never escaped in the first place.

My vision grew dark as the silent screams continued, leaving my mouth under the heinous expression of my mother.

The marble under my hands stung like ice. The air smelled of rotten food and blood. I tried to regain control, but it was too late… There was only silence now, endless unknowable silence.

I will never escape.