20. The Goddess

The voice sliced through the silence of the mind like a blade of glass. 

It isn’t my imagination, is it?

“Are you alright, young kin?” The voice called out again inquisitively.

Surprised, I spun around to face the strange voice. When facing the intruder, I took a step back in surprise.

It was a woman. Or at least she looked like a woman. She was tall, taller than anyone I had ever met before. She had long, silky black hair tied behind her back, and her skin was so pearly white it was almost blue. I looked up at her face. In the middle of which stood two piercing golden eyes with cross-shaped dark irises. Her scleras were black instead of white.

My heart squeezed in my chest as the surreal woman stared at me.

Her eyes felt like daggers piercing through me. Digging through my very soul. My mind told me I should be afraid, but something in my heart felt compelled by this woman. I couldn’t look away.

“Well, well, isn’t that cute?”

She said flatly, breaking eye contact. I calmed myself and looked at where she was staring. It was Darkie, still tucked in my arms.

I squeezed him harder, worried something might happen.

“It’s not ‘that’. His name is Darkie”

I retorted. 

A smile split her purple lips.

“I don’t see what’s so funny... And what is this place? Who are you?” I said angrily.

I didn’t like being mocked, and to my annoyance, my outburst made her chuckle.

“I’m sorry, young kin. I was simply surprised. It’s unusual to see a kin come here with such a thing. Even more so when coming to me.”

She looked me up and down.

“It has been quite a long time since I've had such a young rose visit me, too.”

I felt myself shrinking as I nervously looked up at her.

“What do you mean? Who are you?” I asked after the moment of silence began to stretch uncomfortably long.

She composed herself, the smile now only a fleeting impression on her lips.

“I am Scorn. I am Hate. This is the Evergreen Immaterium. A better question would be what brings YOU here, young rose? The smell of…”

She took a deep breath.

“...Meiriem permeates you.”

I looked at her, confused. 

Hate? She is Hate? But how..? Goldie wasn’t… She was kind! She fed me! She hugged me! She helped me escape that horrible place…

And Darkie… 

I… I don’t want to hate them! They’re good! 

“See, Silika? That’s why you have to pick Meiriem.” I remembered my mother’s voice whispering in my ear again.

I grabbed my hair, trying to make sense of my situation. 

This is wrong. This is all wrong! 

Something wasn’t right. There must be a mistake somewhere. Maybe I was just imagining all this? I can’t hear words, so none of this should be possible… Maybe this was an illusion? No! A dream! Maybe it was a dream! Yes, this had to be all a dream.

As I looked around in confusion, I felt her long fingers grab my chin and tilt my head upward. Her eyes locked with mine once more. 

Again, my gaze was transfixed by her cross-shaped irises. Unable to move, I gazed back into the trenches that were her eyes.

“Ah. I see.”

She said flatly.

I felt control come back to me and moved my chin away.

“You have experienced it. You know what hate is.”

She said without an ounce of doubt in her voice...

...But now I knew it was all in my head. I couldn’t hear, so what she was saying wasn’t real. 

I didn’t want to hate people in the first place!  I… I just didn’t want to be hurt again... 

“Yes. This must be very confusing to you.” She continued.

Ignore it. Ignore it. I told myself.

She wasn’t actually saying anything. It was in my head, just like when Darkie talked. 

“This is the Immaterium, young rose. Physical pain and illnesses have no effect here. Only things that are bound to one’s soul carry over.”

She tilted her head.

“It seems you have yet to accept deafness as part of you. Yet, somehow, this Darkie, as you call it, has been bound. It is curious how a young kin’s mind works”

I looked up at her, panicked.

“Death Ness?”

What’s death-ness? Like being dead? Almost dead?! Am I dying?!

She chuckled in earnest.

“Not ‘deathness’, child. Deafness. Being deaf is simply the word used to describe your handicap. Your ears cannot hear. It is not truly an illness… More so, the consequence of one. Or in your case, the consequence of an accident… Poor child, you’ve truly been kept in the dark, haven't you?”

Some things clicked in my mind. Handicap. Yes, that word I had heard before at church. So that’s what it meant… But… Wasn’t that something bad people had? Divine… Uh… Distribution..? Retribution! It meant you did something bad and the gods punished you.

“Is that why the bishop hit me?”

Her smile broke. 

“Young kin. Please look into my eyes.”

“I don’t really want t…”

“I said, look!”

Her voice shook something in me. My mind lost control over my body, and my head turned on its own. My eyes locked with hers once more. The cross-shaped irises stared deep into my eyes, as if clawing right into my soul. I felt cold sweat run down my back, and my eyes stung as they were forced to stay open, unblinking.

Finally, she closed her eyes, and I regained control over my body. My mind told me I should be afraid, but still my heart remained calm. It was very strange. Scorn remained frozen for a moment, eyes closed, deep in thought. She finally took a deep breath before opening her eyes once more and smiling at me vaguely.

“I am sorry, young kin, I didn’t mean to scare you. It seems there are things I did not know about occurring around the world.”

She reached her hands out to me.

“Regardless. Are you now ready for your baptism, young kin?”

I didn’t quite understand what was going on, but I sure wasn’t ready for any baptism!

“I...I’m sorry, but I don’t think I belong here. I don’t want to hate people.”

Her eyes looked sad for a moment.

“Yes, of course. A common misunderstanding.”

Scorn gracefully sat down on an immaterial chair while one sprouted from beneath me. This brought our eye level closer, and I could finally tell the delicate traits of her face apart. 

When I had imagined Scorn, I had always expected a face contorted by anger, wrinkled and ugly, but instead, her face was smooth, soothing and calm. An unspoken wisdom was hidden within her delicate face.

“Let's speak for a bit. What does hate mean to you?”

“It means… It means hating things. Hating what the gods created. Hating people.”

I said hesitantly. It felt like such a simple word that it was difficult to describe without using the word itself.

“Well, what if I told you that, sometimes, that was necessary?”

Was it necessary to hate people?

“I don’t understand.” I responded.

She smiled knowingly and gently took my hand in hers.

“I don’t blame you. Hate is a word carrying a simple meaning, but that doesn’t truly carry what I, Scorn, am. What I represent and bring to the world is not the ability to ‘hate’ others. That is simply an emotion. The same way love describes unity and peace, not just ‘love’. What I bring is the ability to separate, to split things apart. As you’ve probably learned at church in the past: before I came to be, everything was always together…”

“...Isn’t that a good thing?” I interrupted her, confused.

“Well, it should have been... but not when it was the only state of being. When life is forced to be together, it hurts itself, it suffers and then hurts those close to it. And a world of love turns into a world of pain… After all, those we hurt the most are those we are closest to.”

I felt a sting. Not in my head or my heart. In my soul. 

“Love is the indiscriminate appreciation for life, for creation, but what about loving something too much? Becoming obsessed and obstinate, hurting the other things you love in the process. That’s when hate comes in. Hate pushes this love away and breaks the shackles of obsession. It allows one to liberate oneself. Hate is what allows one to fight back, to point out injustice and fight those who seek to exploit it. Hate is just as important as love. Because when love is twisted and misplaced...”

She delicately lifted my sleeve, revealing the countless scars, stains and bruises on my arm.

“...It becomes part of you. Young rose, love should never hurt so much."

Was it true? Did love do this? I… I thought love was something good..? Something to be celebrated, but did love do this to me?

I felt my eyes itch. I didn’t know what to think. Will love always end like this? I looked down at Darkie.

Will he also eventually hurt me? Will Jade hurt me again? Will Goldie…

A palm rested on my head. Its warmth spread through my body, releasing the pent-up worries and turning them into tears. I looked as my tears slowly landed on Darkie. His big golden eyes troubled my mind. I… I don’t know.

“Young kin. I said that hate is just as important as love, but the opposite is true. Hate needs love just as much as love needs hate. Your love was taken from you, twisted into something that hurt. That wasn’t your fault, but it left something sharp. To protect you. That sharpness is mine.”

I felt scared.

“Does… Does that mean I won’t be hurt like this ever again?”

I asked as I lifted my head to meet Scorn’s eyes.

She smiled sadly.

“It is likely that you will experience this again. That is the nature of existence. A mysterious cycle of love and hate, life and death, chaos and order. No one can stop this cycle; you can only learn from it.”

I reflected on her words. Love was inevitable, and so was hate.

“So… It’s okay if I love Darkie?”

“Yes.”

“Jade?”

“Yes.”

“Hare?”

“Yes.”

“...Goldie?”

She smiled.

“Of course.”

I dried my tears. There were a lot of things I was still unsure about, but there was one thing I was certain…

“I think I’m ready for my baptism now.”

Scorn nodded, and the chairs slowly dissolved underneath us. We stood in front of each other, and I grabbed her extended hands.

“Please repeat after me.”

I nodded.

She closed her eyes and began reciting.

“I will not be bound by chains.”

“... not be bound by chains.”  

“I will not drink the poison of deceit.”

“... not drink the poison of deceit.”

“I will leave behind what no longer serves.” 

“... leave behind what no longer serves.” 

“I will resist the hand of oppression.”

“...resist the hand of oppression.”

“I will walk away without shame.”

“...walk away without shame.”

“I will speak the truth, even if it splits the world.”

“...even if it splits the world.”

“I wield hate, not to destroy, but to move forward.”

“...but to move forward.”

She opened her eyes and looked at me. 

“Young kin, what is your name?”

“Silika.”

“Silika, you are now a kin of Scorn. Hate will become your weapon and your shield. I grant you my blessing.”

Scorn chuckled to herself.

“Although it looks like someone already granted it in my name…”

I was about to question her cryptic words, but she interrupted me.

“Now go, Silika. Spread the meaning of hatred… And take good care of yourself.”

The darkness around us started to dissipate.

“Will I ever see you again?”

I asked hurriedly.

She again gave me a fleeting smile.

“Who knows? Maybe our paths will cross again someday.”

I nodded sadly as the darkness disappeared.