13. New life

The white haired man led me inside the building by the hand. As we crossed the threshold, I saw two kids run out of a door and another pop up behind them. They turned toward us for a second while giggling before chasing after one another.

As we walked down the hall, I noticed more and more children. Different ages, different faces. And not a single adult besides the man holding my hand.

This place… Could… Could it really be…?

I looked around, trying to make sense of it. But by the time we reached the end of the corridor and stepped into a wide hall filled with small beds, the truth was obvious.

This was an orphanage.

The man guided me to a bed just by the door.

“But you’re not an orphan, Silika…” Darkie spoke softly.

I paused for a moment. Was I an orphan? What IS an orphan exactly? Was it when a parent died? Or was it just when you weren’t with them anymore… Or perhaps, it was when you didn’t see them as your parents at all. 

Yes, that had to be it. There’s no other way.

[I am now.] I said decisively.

I don’t have a father. I don’t have a mother. There is only THAT man and THAT woman. 

As I looked at the bed pensively, the white-haired man smiled at me and opened the bag he had carried here from the coach driver. Inside, it seemed to mostly be filled with paperwork and a few trinkets and some simple items that Goldie must have put in the bag before we left. He took out a few daily necessities:  a single change of clothes, a yellow dress, a hairbrush, a toothbrush and a hairband and placed them in  a chest at the end of the bed. I didn’t recognise any of them. None of it felt like they were mine in the first place. 

There was the same balm Goldie and the coach driver had applied on my wounds, but he put it back in the bag. I also had no use for all the paper he didn’t take out from the bag, as I couldn’t read. The only important thing to me was in my arms, and he wasn’t going in the box.

After placing my things, he took my hand again and led me back down the corridor. We turned at a door into what looked like a large playroom filled with children. Some played with toys, others sat around older kids while they read books to them.

The man clear his throat and said something loudly. I couldn’t tell just how loud, but suddenly I felt the entire building shake and two dozen more kids poured in from behind us. One bumped into me and kept running without another glance.

Once everyone was gathered, the red-eyed man made me stand in front of him with his two hands on my shoulders. He spoke to the other children for a while. I assumed he was introducing me to the others.The younger ones struggling to keep still as he dragged on, but, eventually, they were all allowed to return to their games. 

Some of them came to greet me or simply waved as they left. He motioned toward a girl a bit older than I was to come forward. He told her something and then lightly pushed me in her direction. 

[Uh? What?]

I turned back tward the man, but he was already waving as he left the room.

And there I was, alone, with yet another stranger…

I looked at the girl. She was almost a head taller than me and had jade coloured eyes and blond hair. She smiled kindly and took my hand. 

She led me to a corner of the room with a big toy box. She let go of me for a moment and dug out something from the box.

It was a brown horse plushie.

[Wow! You have a plushie too?]

She grinned proudly and I excitedly sat down with her.

“Hi there, I’m Darkie!” Darkie waved.

“Hi! I’m Horsie!” said the horse with her help.

The girls extended the horse's leg toward Darkie, which he happily bumped with his paw. After that, the girl raised the plushie in the air and spun around excitedly. She looked back at me, expectantly, as she got ready to run.

“I bet you can’t keep up with me!” Horsie declared.

[No way, we’ll catch you!] I exclaimed.

And began to run toward the girl, but the excitement was short-lived. My legs couldn’t keep up with Horsie and the girl, and it made my bruise ache. After rounding a corner while running after her. I tumbled down to the floor, making my bruises ache. The sudden jolt of pain brought tears to my eyes, and the girl rushed toward me.

She tried to say something with a panicked expression, as I tried my best to hold back my tears.

She dropped down and made Horsie kiss my face repeatedly. The rough fur of the plush tickled me as she continued until I was too busy laughing to cry.

I slowly sat back up and raised Darkie with a smile.

“It’s the first time I've talked like that with someone else! Normally, I only talk to my friend Silika.”

Darkie pointed at me.

“Really? I have a lot of friends! Let me show you.”

The girl stood up and helped Horsie up to the toy box. They dug for a few seconds and took out a wooden soldier with a stick for a sword.

“Look! This is Mr Knight!” Horsie exclaimed

“Wow! He’s so cool! But isn’t his armour too hard to ride on you?”

“Not at all, look!”

The girl put the toy soldier on the horse and made it ride on its back.

I laughed. The horse was way too big for the wood soldier.

“But sometimes he does this weird thing…”

I watched as the girls grabbed the sword from the soldier's hand. I felt a sting in my chest.

“...Where he hits me with his thing.”

She took the wooden stick and smacked it against the horse’s backside. 

The back of my neck stung as I felt my throat dry up instantly. 

“All I can do is run faster when he does that, but it hurts…. So… Much…”

I felt the sting of the crop as Horsie was hit by the wooden soldier in the shadow of the girl’s golden hair. Horsie was hit over and over again as he struggled to move faster.

The light left my eyes…

The toys disappeared...

The room melted away… 

And I was back on the marble floor. 

A shadow filtered through the open door. 

I tried to turn and run, but the crop lashed out first.

It hit me, tearing at the skin of my back, leaving red streaks across my arms... I screamed for it to stop through the tears… But it didn’t stop. I curled in on myself, holding Darkie as I continued to beg and beg.

 I continued emptying my lungs, hoping to drown out the pain, but the hits kept coming over and over again.

I couldn't how long it went on, but the pain slowly began to fade, and the lashes of the crop on my back turned into soft, barely perceptible pats. 

I wasn’t on the marble floor. Instead, I was being rocked back and forth.

Through my swollen eyes, I saw white hair dance above me. I was in the man’s arms as he sat on the floor, eyes closed, trying to soothe me.

He was moving his mouth slowly as if singing. I couldn’t hear it, but the idea was comforting. 

He opened his eyes and saw that I had calmed down. He picked up Darkie from the ground and gave him to me. I hugged the bunny tightly.

“Are you ok?” Darkie asked.

[I’m ok now.]

The man stood up while holding me in his arms while the other children stared on. All I could see were scared looks on their faces. He carried me across the hallway intoe an officewhere he set me down on a couch.

As I settled in, I notice my sleeves were torn in several places, and there was a sharp pain coming from my arms. The man fetched the balm and started rolling up my right sleeve, but he had barely raised it up to my elbow when he stopped. 

I followed his gaze to the countless bruises covering my forearm. They didn’t hurt that much anymore, but it was an ugly sight. The white-haired man tried to maintain his composure, but his eyes couldn't meet mine, and his skin looked even paler than it had earlier. 

I looked at him strangely. Those wounds were nothing to me anymore. Nothing compared to the kicking, the choking, or even just the smell of that room and the stomach-churning stickiness of the marble floor, and yet… It was enough to disturb a full grown adult.

He bit his lip as he proceeded to finish rolling up my sleeve and began applying the balm. He still didn’t meet my eyes as he did. 

Maybe he was upset with me? Or maybe he just didn't know how to react?

The rest of the day went by in a blur. I sat in the office while the man worked at the desk. He wrote letters, notes and occasionally left the room and came back a while later. He would glance at me anxiously every so often as if I could have disappeared at any moment. 

Meanwhile, I tried my best not to think about anything. I didn't even speaking to Darkie. There were memories and thoughts at the edge of my consciousness. I was afraid that if I let myself feel something, anything… The pain and the memories would come flooding back just as quickly.

When the sun began to set, the man stood up from his desk, took me by the hand and led me to a dining hall. 

The older children were cooking a meal while the younger ones were setting the tables.  The man sat me down at his side at the end of the table. An older kid placed a bowl of stew at every seat around the table, and finally in front of me. 

Once everyone was served, they all looked toward the man. After giving a satisfied nod, he said a few words before dipping his spoon into his food, announcing the beginning of the meal to the whole table.

There was no serious bowing nor prayer, or anything I could notice. It felt strange, as though we were doing something forbidden… And yet it felt so natural. After all, I had never prayed before eating in my room… Before or after they started serving me moldy bread.

I hesitantly picked up my spoon and dipped it in the stew in front of me, but it took me a long time to bring it to my mouth. I didn't have much of an appetite. 

By the time everyone had finished their meal, I had barely finished half. 

The man insisted I try to eat more, but after a few more spoonfuls, my eyes felt heavy and I couldn’t hold in a long yawn. It had been a very long day, and it was already dark outside. 

Probably noticing how tired I seemed, the man took my bowl away and walked me down the corridor, back to the dormitory. No one else was in bed yet, while he helped me settle in.

He help me nestle Darkie under my shoulder and tucked in the blanket around me. 

After weeks on the road, the bed felt like a cloud. It wasn’t long before I drifted off… 

…Or so I thought.

It was the dead of night when I woke up to the unfamiliar ceiling again. It was only illuminated by the pale moonlight now. 

I turned to my side and saw a boy, maybe 7 or 8 years old, sleeping in another bed a few feet away from me. It was strange that boys and girls were sleeping in the same room, but, before I thought any harder about it, something else distracted me…

From the corner of my eye, I saw it. 

A pale pink flutter. 

I turned towards it, but it was already gone. 

Then, another flutter at the bottom of my vision, and I covered my mouth to muffle a scream.

I sat up quickly as my eyes darted around the room.

Mother…! She's here! She has to be!

Panicked, I searched for her in the dimly lit room but couldn’t find her...

Suddenly, a long strand of pink landed on my face. I fell off my bed in fear as I tried to fight it off. I scrambled on the floor, trying to get her off me… But the strand of her pink hair wouldn’t come off. 

They were attached… To my head.

The hair… Her hair… It’s part of me. She’s part of me.

I ran out of the room. 

I need something. 

Anything to take her out of me.

I reached the kitchen and began looking through the drawers for something… And then I found it. Gleaming in the darkness, a knife was now resting in the palm of my hand.

I looked at it with a shaking hand, but then another strand came into view, I closed my eyes and started cutting. 

I cut and cut until every pink strand that came into view was gone. 

I dropped the knife on the ground and stared at the result of my handiwork.

An emotion rose in my chest. I exhaled repeatedly as my chest rose over and over again, and the corner of my mouth widened. 

I was laughing. 

Laughing alone in the dark while staring at the pile of pink hair on the floor in front of me. 

She's no longer part of me. I'm safe again.

I turned away and walked backdown the hall towards my bedwhere Darkie was waiting for me.

“What happened?” Darkie asked.

[I saw something scary.]

“Is it gone?”

I thought about it for a second, before nodding.

[Yeah, it’s gone. Forever.]

I hugged him tightly and quickly fell asleep again, my heart light.