Publish: Chapter Three (Rewrite)
Added 2024-03-31 15:06:14 +0000 UTCIt took a little longer than expected, but I've
Comments
As always, super helpful. Thank you! I'll go make those fixes.
David Sanders
2024-04-03 09:47:04 +0000 UTCAs Julia say really good! The meeting with Julia now flows really well. I found a typo and a couple of non updated names:- 1 Even though sex came the closet to 2 “Jesus, Emma, I’m so sorry. How’re you holding up?” Katie looked sad, and forced a watery smile. “Better,” she said, and turned away. 3 Melanie becomes Melissa in :- (although I suspected Melissa, that bitch)
Asklepios
2024-04-01 13:19:08 +0000 UTCThanks! Glad the revisions worked for you. The bulk of them were made ages ago, when I picked up chapter 4 and realised the continuity between chapters needed work. I can only vaguely remember it at this point, but I really was running out of steam when I dropped Constant all those years ago, and I think chapter 3 initially reflected that; it just sort of ended. IN any case, I've tweaked it throughout. I also went back and fixed the clothing continuity error. It's a small thing, but I think those small details make a difference. When would he have changed? ANd more to the point, why would he have had an outfit on hand to swap into? It would've undermined his protestations that he'd intended to go home. (Which could work, I suppose, but in a different way.) I'll try and spot the typos as I pubish to TGS.
David Sanders
2024-04-01 09:04:14 +0000 UTCOnce again your edit/revision is astoundingly good. I've read this chapter on FM in it's original form a few times so I'm very familiar with it, and this version is measurably better and more polished. The Volumina cast have come to life. The tweaks and trims on Cindy's office life play more fluidly and the night out at the Noir is to top notch, from Dan's 'nice guy predator' that David mistakenly relates to, to Davids angst at being the prey. The new revised introduction of Jules was a lot more organic than previously, as well as being a massive cliff hanger for the chapter. A few minor typos, but I'm afraid I didn't take notes this time. I recall they were real words in place of the right word, so not the type to show up in spell check unfortunately. One continuity problem (although maybe its not and I missed somthing) is the clothes at the Noir don't sound like the office attire Cindy wears. Think there was mention of bare shoulders while the last office description I can recall has him in a blouse and V neck sweater. But those small things aside, a really, really good chapter.
Julia
2024-03-31 22:01:01 +0000 UTC
